I Guess Pleasantries Are Overrated

After we got back from our day at the beach, Insane Mama and I got a big tent set up in the back yard for the girls’ sleepover tonight, checked in with all of you nice folks and then planned out our dinner for the evening.

Once all of the “parental” stuff was done, I realized that the evening’s IMPORTANT task was still outstanding… I was out of beer and had to make a quick run to the store to restock on my Samuel Adams. Not that I was sweating or frantic or anything…I just KNEW that it was time to go.

I jumped into the car and bee-lined it to Rite Aid (I know where MY beer is on sale.) Got back to the beer cooler and…THE FUCKING SALE WAS OVER! Now what? Do I submit and buy a beer that I really don’t like as much, do I pay a ridiculous price for the beer I like? Do I jump back in the car to head out to another store? … You guessed it…I headed for the parking lot. As the sliding door almost hit me in the ass, I realized my frustration. It is not that big of a deal, but then I thought to myself (I’m sure that it showed on my face) With the price of gas these days, going to another store will most likely be more expensive than getting the beer here at Rite Aid. I paused, almost turned around, but then, since I was already out of the store…well I headed over to the car.

Just as I was walking up to the car, a couple of guys …in their twenties…were getting out of the car next to mine. I gave a quick smile (as a pleasantry) The guy closest to me, looked at me, then up to my Boston Red Sox hat, then…looking me square in the eyes said, “I hate the Red Sox!” I thought about saying…due to my beer anxiety… "Yeah, probably cuz they kick your team’s ass!” I knew that that would most likely cause some sort of confrontation, so I just looked back at him and said, “Yeah, well.” and then a harmless shrug. (Nice enough…right?) They guy stopped, turned back to me and proceeded to say, “You look like a nice enough guy…but I hope you get into a car wreck tonight.” And then continued to walk with his friend through the parking lot.

I stood there for a minute…stunned. Now, I kind of wanted to follow him in…to get my beer of course…as well as to find out what his big issue with me was. I knew that no good would have come from that so I jumped into the car, backed out, thought about running him over, and headed out to the grocery store.

Now that kind of thing happens now and then and I expect that there are some foolish people in the world, but this fool, made me nervous about getting into an accident all the way home (and that people seemed to be intentionally gunning for me.)

Bottom line – don’t mess with a guy’s head during moments of beer anxiety

Now That Is Talent!!!

Most of you have read some of my posts where I talk about my two sons, who live with my ex-wife. I have not written much about them so far but this past weekend was my oldest son’s 7th birthday....and what better way to contribte to Carrie's Friday Foto Fiesta

He was so cute and very happy to have two birthday celebrations (and cake) two days in a row.

I look forward to every one of the visits that I get with them, which are now on a frequent and regular schedule.







At his SECOND party this year…he schooled the other kids on how to properly wear frosting…and how to eat cupcakes. “This is how it’s done everyone!”…as he posed for the camera. Maybe he’ll get some work as a model for Sara Lee.




Even though I do not live with them….there seem to be some traits of mine that he has acquired…cupcake eating is one of them. I am known for disappearing a cupcake in one monstrous bite. (I do it very delicately and with the utmost precision.) I now know that when it comes to cake, he is right on my trail.



Just a few more of these mouth exercises and obviously more cupcakes…maybe we could get on Letterman…stupid father and son tricks.

They are two of the coolest, cutest and most charismatic little guys that the world has ever seen. (at least in my book)

HAPPY Birthday J-Bird!!!!

Bears, Balls & Sex

Last night I had a horrendous nightmare…well, I guess it was kind of funny too.

So, Insane Mama and I are going camping up in the Sequoias next week. We are going for 5 nights and it will just be the two of us. Now I have never been there and Insane Mama has been telling me about the bears and that EVERYTHING needs to go into the bear boxes. That the bears will go after pretty much anything; sun block, lotion, food…and the list goes on.

Anyway, my dream last night was one that had me waking up in a cold sweat and clutching my …privates.

So since we are going alone on this little getaway, I know that there will be a bit of beer, a glass or two of wine and...I imagine…a whole lot of sex. We have planned it out where we will be bringing our BIG tent and a queen sized air mattress (we usually camp without the Aero bed, but we plan on doing some bouncing!) We have also decided to bring along our “travel bag”…you know….the one that holds our “adult” gear.

Oh yeah…back to my dream. So, without getting into too much detail. I was wondering if bears would be attracted to “SEX.” The juices, the odor, the taste… (I know for a fact that dogs are…is there a big difference?)

My dream brought me to a horrific place...I woke up in the morning, after a long night of counting money, to find a huge black bear gnawing on my penis and with his claws holding me down by my balls. From deep within my mind I heard this big black monstrosity lean towards me and say, “Just lay there bitch…I’m not done.” Like something out of a bad prison movie.

Then after Butch, the Black Bear was done violating me, I crawled, clutching my genitals (or what was left of them) out of the huge hole in the tent to see a little baby bear cub prancing out of the campground with Insane Mama’s favorite vibrator dangling from its mouth.

PLEASE…IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT BEARS BEING ATTRACTED TO THE SCENT OF SEX…PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

Barts & Bumper Stickers

Our little 9 year old day camper (you know the one that never stops eating) decided that while Insane Mama had her back turned to watch a soccer practice, and while I was walking to the bathroom, that it would be the right thing to do to rifle through both of our bags to look for food...cuz the cooler was empty. Dose she have no respect or self control?

Insane Mama and I were talking about our upcoming camping trip to the Sequoias (with no kids) and how there is nothing but trees and big Black Bears. Then we joked about having a little pot while we were up there. My instantaneous response…no….what I blurted out was, “I would much rather see my kids than get high with bears.” We thought that might make for a funny bumper sticker.

Other bumper sticker thoughts:
There is nothing sexier than an Insane Mama
Sex is best with a Tent Camper
My Tent’s pole is bigger than your tent’s pole
Forget Match.com…check into a nut house

11 year old Megan…on the car ride home today said, “Excuse me…I just barted." Not knowing, at that point what the hell she was talking about…we just shrugged and smiled. I’ll have you know that a Bart is when your burp smells like a fart.

And to top it all off…9 year old Christie, who had to pee on the way home, ran inside and said, “You’ll all have to excuse me…I’ll be in the bathroom…for a long minute.”