I am homophobic

Well, here goes with trying to air out an issue that I have been living with for a long time now. Now, none of you know me, not like we spend time together like my friends and family in “the real world” so I will try to make this simple.

I get a lot of shit from people saying that I am homophobic, hate gay men, am prejudiced, etc. I guess that I am, in a sort of way, but I am going to take this opportunity to explain. I have wanted to write this…and then not wanting to…I think that means that I should. I will give you the nutshell version and maybe one day the full details.

Over the past ten or fifteen years, I have been known to give dirty looks to gay men, glare at them with hate and even give them ‘fightin eyes’ while clenching up my fists. It is not that I have any real issue with their personal choices or that I have any problem with people being gay…just don’t do it or show it around me.

I used to live in an area where there were an abundance of gay men and every trip to the grocery store would get my blood boiling. Having men in the produce isle winking, smiling and making eyes at me just sent my head spiraling into REALLY BAD places.

The people in my life would always give me dirty looks and tell me to relax, let them be, take it as a compliment…or something like that. I try. What has gotten me to this place where I seem to be punishing all gay men is an experience that happened in 1993.

I lived in Boston and had been going through a hard time with going out and drinking a bit too much. On one night, I was at a bar near South Boston “Southie” and as I exited the bar, a bit inebriated, and began my stumble home I walked by an alley where all of the sudden a guy grabbed me from behind, put a large knife to my neck and led me out of sight. The guy was bigger than I, he had a big knife and I was drunk…not a good situation for protecting one’s self. Now I was ready to hand over my wallet and watch when I noticed that that was not what he wanted. Right. I was sexually assaulted by a man. Now I had not talked of this with many people because I felt that it made me feel like less of a man. I know that my choices in that alley were limited…I could have tried to fight, but the steel of the knife blade was a consistent reminder of reality, pressed to my neck. After the assault, I filed a police report, went to the hospital and then tried to forget. Shortly after the incident, I moved to CA.

I know that the gay men that I see in daily life are most likely NOT the man that did this to me, he probably was not even gay…just a sick drug addict or something…but my head has made a connection that I can’t seem to break. I know that I need to get past this because I don’t want to go through the rest of my life with that hatred in my head…so that is why I am posting this.

Yes – I can be serious and deep and personal…no pee in sight.