Tinkle In My Tent - Super Human

Have you ever known someone who truly has super-human or god-like abilities? As a non-denominational/agnostic person…I am now becoming a believer of powers beyond this Earth we live on. I have been in horrid moods – that soon became exhilarated. I’ve looked out the window to a gloomy, overcast day - which suddenly turned sunny (with birds chirping and all.) I’ve been witness to kids irritating the crap out of me – whom suddenly turned into little angels that I called over to cuddle. I’ve been served “day before the grocery store / throw it together” meals – that taste like gourmet dining at its best. …And so on….

I finally, through years of thorough detective work, have figured out what this power is.

Insane Mama’s Super-Human Coochie!

No matter what is going on, where I am, who I’m with or how I feel….Life seems 100 times brighter and happier after she unleashes her pelvic powers upon me.

So, until I become a regular member of a traditional place of worship….I will bow down before Insane Mama’s nethers in thanks for making my life a more pleasant place. I am surprised that there are not houses of worship ‘erected’ in her honor.

Now, I don’t want to be seen, in Blogville, as the nasty guy who does nothing but sprinkle pee and sex all over everyone…but…I am going to continue to use my blog as an outlet for my past and my daily life. Don’t get me wrong. I plan on posting about ALL of my life…I’m just saying that some of it will be a bit adult in nature.

I do not intend to annoy, embarrass or insult anyone with what I write…I am very open to any and all comments.

A FINE-ASS Day At The Beach

We had yet another fine day at the beach with the kids. Both Insane Mama and I were a bit out of sorts this morning. She seemed to have a fairly short fuse and I just felt somewhat foul. None the less we packed up our beach cooler and headed off to the beach…just south of Venice beach. After getting there and lugging the blankets, boogie boards, towels and such down to “our spot” the kids took off into the water and Insane Mama and I broke out our books and got comfy.

It was a great day (not too hot nor too cold) and I was about 20 pages away from finishing the book I was reading. Mind you that this is a 240 page book that I started on June 20th 2007. It was a great book…but I have never been a “reader.” We continued like that….going back and fourth between our books and watching the kids try to surf on their boogie boards…for a while. Insane Mama was then suddenly jolted from her book by me jumping up and yelping, hopping around our blanket chanting, “I finished it! I’m done with my book!” She looked over at me, rolled her eyes, and said, “Great! Now what?” I looked at her with a puzzled stare and shrugged…but I was still smiling.

I rested my head and relaxed for a few minutes…then noticed that several more families and couples were infringing on “our beach.” The people watcher that I am…I sat up and …just watched. I love to sit and watch (mostly making fun of what people are wearing and all the crap that people tote to the beach.) Yesterday, we actually watched as a family unpacked two wagons full of “stuff” and then proceeded to blow up a pool. Yes…you heard me…the fools brought an inflatable pool to the freaking beach!

Anyway, as I was watching the folks around me…and I’d finished my book….I notice a few couples around us…snuggled up together, rubbing lotion on each other and just being cute with each other. Suddenly, I became aware of an increase in blood flowing to my …nether region. I looked down and watched as Insane Mama was laying on her stomach, reading her book. Panning down and letting my eyes rest on her cute-as-shit booooootay, I proceeded to slide my hand down the small of her back, across the back side of her bikini…resting it so that my fingers dangled down in just the right place. She gave me a courtesy moan and a wriggle of the rear as she continued with her book. I looked around and saw that from where other people were sitting…nobody would ever be able to see what we did.

Slowly, I began to curl and extend my fingers – just enough for them to lightly brush up against her…privates. She began to move with my hand for a minute and then rolled over onto her side. I removed my hand and stopped what I was doing. She looked at me with a look saying to me “what the F are you stopping for?” I looked at her and said…”just keep reading your book baby.” She quickly repositioned herself (exactly as she was) and I let my hand find its way back to “that good spot.” I kept rubbing and stroking (all of this ABOVE her bikini….NO nudity.) That continued for a few minutes until I knew that she was ….”happy.” after a moment…catching her breath, she rolled her head toward me and said, “Thank you mister!” with a large as life smile on her face. I think that the ocean, waves, being in public…all of it made things a bit exciting for her. She sat up, still smiling, and plopped her book on her lap. Smirks and giggles escaped as she tried to find where she left off in her book. Looking at her…I saw that she had found her place and sporting a content look, continued reading.

I don’t think that more than ten seconds went by before I interrupted her…
Me – Hello?
IM – Yeah baby? (smiling)
Me – Um…are you forgetting someone?
IM – What?
Me – What about me?

Then I felt her hand move down to my board shorts as she looked over both shoulders, making sure we were not being watched. I was lying down on my side and she was sitting, leaning her back against my thighs. She continued stroking me, then I felt a tug at the drawstring of my shorts…giving her a bit more access. Needless to say, within a few minutes (and most likely and arm strain)…we felt the need to put our beach blanket and my shorts directly into the wash when we got home.

The next hour or so that we were at the beach…although it was a bit overcast…it seemed sunnier and much more beautiful out there…in “our spot.” Our moods had most definitely improved since morning.

That F'er Is Gonna Die!

I am not a violent kind of guy (well, except if you drive too slow on the highway, hold up the line at the grocery store, wear clothes that are obviously NOT YOUR SIZE…well you know what I mean) I am just not the violent type.

I love nature and all that comes with it (for the most part.) The line, for me, is usually drawn at bugs that ATTACK me…and by attack, I mean fly near my face or land on me. I take that as an act of aggression. Anyway… Living with Insane Mama, who loves all living things, I have learned to extend nature’s creatures an added luxury, the luxury of living if she can scoop them up and remove them from my “personal space.”

Now, on to the main topic. I am a guy who will actually admit that he enjoys hearing animals in nature, coyotes in the distance, ocean waves crashing, crickets chirping, birds singing, etc. …until recently, that is. Being summer and fairly warm here in Southern California, we usually leave our windows open, day and night, letting the cool ocean breeze flow through the house.

A few months ago, Insane Mama and I would sit out in our front yard watching mom and dad Mockingbird, fighting off a gnarly band of crows in an attempt to protect their new family nesting in a tree in the yard. We’d sit there and cheer for the Mockingbirds. (we hate the crows.) That went on for a few weeks and the Mockingbirds did quite well in fending off the evil crows. We were then very happy to have this family of rough and tumble creatures taking up residence on our property.

These days…there is only one Mockingbird around…don’t know what happened to the others…but …well….let me explain. At 11PM EVERY night, this bird proceeds to (I will not call it sing) Destroy the night with a barrage of a set of about 8 different bird calls (chirping, tweeting and whistling) at the top of it’s lungs. Normally I would not mind, but this banter goes on from 11PM until sunrise…and never during the day. This intrusive noise is so bad that even from its roost in the front yard, I can hear it over the volume of the TV at the back of the house.

I and our teen have been driven completely mad with this F’ing irritating creature. I comment to Insane Mama on a regular basis about it and she responds with, “Let the poor thing be. He is probably lost or something.” I’ve been holding off on any military action and did so as long as I could. The other night it just got under my skin to a point where I just could not take it any longer. I ran down stairs into Cody’s room, found his sling shot and proceeded to the front door. As I set foot on the front walk, the bird went silent. This stupid, shit-ass bird was some sort of mind reader and knew that there was only one reason for me to be in the front yard at midnight, dressed in fatigues and holding a slingshot and a handful of rocks.

I actually sat my old, tired ass in a bush (one with a clear view of the tree that was hosting the little F’er.) Sitting in a bush at midnight after having a few beers was not the ideal situation for me. I sat there for about 15 minutes. It was like I was a sniper in a war and I would lie in wait longer than my target….”do or die little birdie!!!!” Finally, it started up again. At first I could not tell the exact location of the pesky thing and did not want to spray rocks all other the neighbor’s house – might be hard to explain to the police…alcohol, fatigues, sling shot, middle of night…you get the picture. Then I saw…branches slightly move. I honed my eyes on that very spot and continued to wait. (legs cramping, I had to burp, hard to focus eyes, etc) then there was movement again. Stealthily slipping a rock into the leather of my weapon and slowly extending the projectile…I gave one last check of my aim and let the rock fly. Listening intently, I heard the rock whiz through the tree hitting a few branches…and then the roof of the neighbor’s house. Shit I hope I don’t have to wait another 15 minutes for this thing to move again. I didn’t…a second later it moved again….and started singing. I think it was singing…”you suck…you have no aim…you old fat fart!”

I reloaded and with every bit of precision that I could muster, sent another rock into the tree, this time hitting something that did not sound like tree…it was a bit more hollow. I remained in my sniper position to see if there would be any further enemy movement. I waited about 2 or three minutes…there was nothing. My eyes widened, huge grin on my face….I stood up. In my head telling myself, “I knew I should have been a sniper.” It was too dark for me to search the area for splattered bird at that point so I jumped out of the bush and ran inside, dropping my weapon and ammo on the ground as I entered. I raced upstairs and banged on teen’s door (I knew she was up by the reflection of the TV under her door.) As she turned her head to me, I blurted out, “I killed that freaking Mockingbird. She smiled and gave me a high five. I then went into my room, slipped out of my fatigues and curled up with Insane Mama with a sense of complete accomplishment…and slept very well that night.

The next morning I rushed outside to marvel at my fallen enemy…but could not find any trace of him. Maybe the crows and a raccoon made off with him… there was nothing but I still did not hear any sign of that bastard. I was satisfied.

Not For The Weak

As the professional storyteller that I am, I am going to tempt fate by posting a story/fantasy that I wrote a while ago. Now I have toned it down a bit and even cut out some of the detail as I wanted it to be in the NC-17 range as opposed to X.

WARNING: This post is a fictitious story that contains sexually explicit written content.
Please do not read this post if you feel that you may be offended (or if you have any current heart conditions.)

If you would like to proceed to the fantasy, please click HERE.