Time Travel...To The 70s and 80s

A bit random…but I am just going to throw it out there…

Is it only me or do any of you with you could just go back in time to the late 70s or early 80s?

I loved that time…I mean sure…I got into some trouble and drove my parents absolutely insane…but I was a boy growing up in rural New Hampshire and there were no video games, addicting TV shows, cell phones to distract us.

I loved cruising around with my friends, hanging out, causing trouble and having good old fashion boy fun.

These days things are so much more complicated…yes, I know that much of that comes from being a father to 6 kids, but even when I put myself in any of their shoes…with the texting and Internet shit that they get into, the drama with all of the cliques in schools, the gangs, teens driving all over creation, etc. it is enough to drive a man nuts!

We just grounded our 12 year old and she has absolutely no clue what to do. She can’t go hang out with friends and can’t use her cell phone. We told her that she could use the house phone to call and talk to her friends and she said, “No thanks…I don’t want to talk to them…I want to text them.”

How fucking impersonal are cell phones and IMing, email and all of the other Internet communications making our kids?

We just allowed her to use AIM and she has been at the computer for 3 hours and counting….WTF!?

Now I guess we will have to limit her use. I know that kids don’t have the self control that we wished they did…shit I don’t have the self control that I wished I did…but the fact of the matter is that ….when I was a kid, and none of that stuff was around…life just seemed much more innocent, fun and …shit….easier.

What the heck is a LAG?

I am not only amazed at the speed in which pre-teens can speak, but my ability to think I understand what they are saying…and being way off base.

Driving down the street with our fast talking 12 year old when we cam to a stop light. As we were waiting, a young woman began crossing the crosswalk with her dog. All of the sudden, Megan spits out, “Dang…She has a GREAT lag!” I quickly look at the woman. I looked right at her ass, thinking that a lag was her rear. Then I realized who was in the back seat and concentrated on the woman’s walk…thinking a lag might be a kind of strut…like the old school ‘pimp walk.’

Not seeing anything special…(though I did take another sneak peak at her ass) I turned to look over my shoulder and asked, “What the heck is a lag?”

Megan laughed and faster than I could tune my ears, recited, “ I didn’t say lag…I said lag! L as in Larry, A as in Army, B as in Boob!”

I, trying to control my laughter turned and (tried to) sternly say, “Megan…B as in Boob? What about Bob…or Beach?”

After the clarification…I did realize that the woman was walking an very cute Black Lab.

Damn….I nee to keep up.

a freakin chipmunk on Crystal Meth

I am sitting here tired as shit! I don’t know what to write…so I suppose you are going to hear me bitch about the current state of me.

I have had my sister (14 years old) here for the past ten days. Don’t get me wrong, I love her and have not seen her in 4 years so it was great to spend this time with her. BUT

She is 14 and it was like us adding another child to our family. To top that off…I just found out that for several days, she has been stuffing her pockets with the freaking Ridaline that she is supposed to be taking. No wonder she has been up til all hours of the night and chatty as a freakin chipmunk on Crystal Meth.

That said, I also had my boys here this weekend and my youngest had a fever and was just feeling a bit off both days. Poor guy. But it did lead to a very sleepless night for me. He threw up a few times, which scared him and just made it an all around rough night. Anyway, I got about 3 hours of sleep last night and then drove the boys back to their mother’s this evening.

Now I am home…exhausted and announce that I was going to take a nap. About 30 minutes later…all I can hear is the loudest laughing, clanking and screaming that I think I have ever heard coming from the dining room. I tried to stay in bed…hoping that it would dissipate as I needed this nap cuz I have to drive my sister to the airport for her 11:30 PM flight out of LAX tonight.

The volume from downstairs seemed to steadily increase until I just lost it. I marched over to my bedroom door, whipped it open and screamed down the stairs the most sarcastic “Thanks for letting me take a nap! I appreciate it!” Thinking that my pissiness would have settled them. Then I hear a fucking response…”No problem!...Any time!”….followed by a burst of laughter...from my sister.

Shit I was pissed. I wanted to run down the stairs and throw her ass in the car, take her to the airport and drop her ass of. Let her irritate the shit out of her fellow travelers for 4 hours until her flight.

Getting a bit of satisfaction from that though…I walked down stairs with a death scowl on my face and sat right freakin here.

Fuck milk…SLEEP IS WHAT A BODY NEEDS!

….as she is my sister…does she need to show me respect? I AM 27 years older than her. I am the dad of the house that she is staying in. I KNOW that she would never attempt to say some shit like that to my parents. WTF?

TentCampress And His Moon

I may have to see some sort of doctor…or scientists or something. Why you ask? Well, as most of you know, I live with Insane Mama and her 3 daughters and her son. The women in the house are 9, 11, 16 and, well, Insane Mama is in her 30’s.

I know that when women/girls who live together often start to ‘synchronize’ with their periods (or ‘moons’ as we call it here in the house of insanity.)

Now the reason that I may be in need of some sort of specialist is because I think that I may be….’synchronizing’. Right around the time that Insane Mama and 16 year old Amanda are entering into their spell of Pre Moon Syndrome (PMS), I start to crave ALL food, I get cranky, short tempered, I get cramps (from gas) and nothing that goes on in my life (for that week span) is ever right…or good enough.

I am scared! I say that cuz…what is next? I fear that I’ll wake up one morning lying in a pool of my own blood. Where will I bleed from? Shit that scares me!

With all of the others in the house…my irritability is irrational. It makes no sense. There is no logical reason for my MOODS and I have no way of explaining what is happening. I try to equate it with men’s sympathy pains during pregnancies…but that does not fly around here. When the two eldest females of the house are…irrational…I am the one who is supposed to be there to hold down the fort.

Now I don’t want any of you to feel bold enough to say something like, “maybe you are part woman and you actually GET PMS.” Or, “that maybe I am turning into a woman. That shit don’t fly on my blog!

Anyway…I don’t know if I need a doctor, a scientist/researcher or a freaking shrink.

PLEASE HELP ME!!!

Remote Fun - Continued

We hung out there for a little bit…then we started talking to some of the people playing darts. It was obvious to us that they had seen how we were groping one another by the way they were inconspicuously watching every one of our hand movements. We …kind of liked that. We continued our playfulness…not trying to hide any of it. It seemed to be turning the other couple on a bit and …we liked having that effect on them. The few times that I ‘buzzed’ her while talking with the other couple. I saw Mariah move her hand to her nether region while letting out a slight moan. I knew that the other woman had put two and two together and offered up a slight smile and approving nod to Mariah.

After another drink, Mariah and I moved back over to the bar area and squeezed onto two empty bar stools. This gave me the ‘access’ that I had been wanting. She sat facing me…with her legs slightly spread. I watched as they opened and closed every time I hit my little secret button. We sat, making small talk while I worked one of my hands up her thigh…to her incredibly wet panties. Her thighs clenched around my hand…keeping it in place. Rubbing her in small circles, I felt her rocking back and forth on her stool…pushing herself into my roaming fingers. My hand felt as if I’d been soaking it in hot, sweet massage oil. I slowly pulled my hand back, careful to keep all of her sweetness on my fingers. I began raising my hand, to my mouth when she quickly grabbed me by the wrist and pulled my soaking fingers to her lips. Not caring who was watching, she began licking and sucking on each of my wet fingers. I was rock hard. I raised my glass, indicated a toast and downed the rest of my beer…she followed in suit. I jumped up from my stool, realizing that both my pants had an obvious bulge in them and she had left an unmistakable wet spot on the stool that she had just jumped off. I led her by the hand to the front door of the bar. Once outside, I pulled her around the corner into the alley. It only took a second for my trained eyes to find a slightly dark spot for us to slide into. ‘Our spot’ was not completely out of sight…but enough for us. Being seen…was a bit exciting.


TO BE CONTINUED…….

one with the cart...one with the coupons

The domesticated, mature, sensible, man that I am….I do make runs to the grocery store. I like to go with Insane Mama. We work well as a team. One with the cart, one with the coupons…and both people watching.

Walking into the store, we have our mission and the plan of attack is simple. It seems though that after poking, prodding and squeezing everything in the first aisle (produce of course) we tend to get a bit bored. Not that grocery shopping for a gaggle of children is supposed to be fun…but yes…we get bored.

That is when we usually split up…not saying anything to each other…but both of us know what is coming. Insane Mama heads for the woman’s “personal feminine products” and I do a bee line for the beloved selection of condoms, lubes and such. After loading our cart with a nice assortment of “unmentionables” we head back to begin rummaging through the second aisle.

Why did we collect such an assortment of ‘goodies’ you ask? I’ll explain why this has become one of our favorite shopping pastimes.

You see…about 2 years ago…while at the grocery store. We were strolling along when this couple walked by…they were obviously in a bit of a tiff. Both glaring at one another and exchanging nasty comments. I thought it would be funny to, ‘stealthly’ drop a tube of “Tingly K-Y Jelly” into their basket when they were not looking. We followed them around the store until IT happened. The woman saw the K-Y and freaked on him. She was mortified…and the guy seemed to not know how to hold back a smile…while denying putting it into the cart.

We got a kick out of it and it has become a …shopping tradition.

Tampons for gay men, condoms for gay women, sex lube for snooty women and couples, lube for college kids, personal 'massagers' for prude looking women, extra large condoms for couples…and 65+ men, etc.

It tends to be the funniest if they don’t realize that the products are there until that are loading everything onto the register belt thingy. The looks on their faces are priceless. They always look at the cashier and the people right behind them to see who saw.

Anyway, I am SURE that the security personnel (the people watching the camera monitors) talk about us in their national corporate meetings.

Am I…are we…TOO CHILDISH?

40 Year Old Child!

Getting up this morning and making my way to the computer…I had no idea of what to write about today…and still don’t. I knew that I should post something…just did not know what.

I guess that this may end up being one of those posts where I just spew vomit from my brain. I am one of those people that, on any given day, will go through periods of random thoughts and jumbled up moods. The hard parts for me are most evident in my moods. I consider myself a, very laid back and playful kind of guy. I love kids and playing with them. At parties and get-togethers, if someone is looking for me, their best bet is to find where the kids are playing…usually I am the guy in the middle of them being attacked…like an animal being ravaged by a pack of hyenas…or the “monster” chasing them all over the yard. I actually love this role, and think I do it well. One of the problems for me is … do I do this because I love children or because I tend to dislike random adult conversation? The other day, we all went to a friend’s house for a barbeque and when we got there, there were already about 8 adults and 9 other children. I only knew 4 of the adults and half of the kids. I began by sitting down with the adults and introducing myself, but soon reverted to playing with the kids. After playing for a bit I grabbed a plate of food and then went back to sit with the adults. While eating, I listened to the conversation that was going on and I just had no interest in participating. For the most part, I considered 4 of the adults to be annoying, inappropriate, pompous and rude…not to mention very inattentive to their kids.

The conversation (that I wanted no part of) went from drinking, to Korean culture (one of the families had just moved to Korea), to pre-schools, to joking about the pre-school’s dean hosting drug parties, to secretaries, to “full service” spas for men. All of this was within the ten minutes I was sitting at the table eating. And then, as I was just about ready to get up, our hostess (whom we are very good friends with) walked over commenting that she had some sort of food stuck on her thigh. Most of us chuckled with her…but the guy at the end of the table, sitting next to his wife, said, “hey…I’ll lick it off for you.” Now, I don’t know about you…but I felt that his comment was RUDE! In front of his wife and to the wife of his friend. What the fuck?

I then decided to get up and go play with the crazy, but more respectful, kids. After a little bit, the hostess came up to me with a pile of firewood and asked if I could get a fire going in their fire pit…she is not so outdoorsy and does not know how to do that kind of thing. I took the wood, gathered some dried branches and leaves and started one of my professional fires. She came out a minute later with a few bags of marshmallows for the kids. As I distributed the marshmallows, I noticed that not all of the kids seemed to be so careful around the fire. I appointed two of the older kids as “fire marshals” and went back to the “adult table” to let the parents know that their kids were at the fire pit and that they should all keep an eye on them. I was quite thoroughly brushed off.

I have to say that all I felt like doing was walking over, peeing on the fire (to ensure the safety of the kids), flipping off the table of ridiculous adults, having a beer and walking home. What I ended up doing was having a beer, sitting in a chair near the fire pit and then playing with a few of the kids.

Am I immature? Am I anti-social? Do I just have nothing in common with this group of people? …or is it that their high powered jobs and enormously high incomes intimidate or embarrass me?

I don’t know…but in a nut shell…kids are far more interesting and fun to hang with than adults. With the exception of Insane Mama and …whoever ends up meeting us at Dukes on Sunday night.