Cyber Sociopath

So, as most of you know, I have been going through a shitty time with my ex and her ridiculous behavior. I know that I tweeted a few things last night when she started texting me with .... the following.

Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 9:47 PM

I'm in Brentwood at a dinner and am hearing that you and mariah can't handle my young boys and give them the attention they need. Should I come get them and bring them to their home where they are loved and appreicated?


FROM ME TO HER
Whatever. I am sitting watching a movie with them. Fuck off and don’t text me with this stupid shit anymore.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 9:49 PM

Especially sice Mariah complains about them every time they are there and they hate being there anyway. I'd rather my sons be happy.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 9:57 PM

Really? I heard you're playing poker while jaden sleeps on the couch again. They tell everyone how they hate being with you. Poor Jaden told sarah XXX's husband stu that he wishes he was his dad instead of you because stu actually pays attention to the boys. Michelle XXX listened to the boys complain about how much they hate going to your house the whole way there today. You're a pathetic excuse for a dad. Why bother trying? Just make them happy. It's so easy. All hey want is your attention and love and you are just too selfish.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 9:59 PM

They are happier home withe where they are suurpunded by people that care and pay attention to them. At least let them have that.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 10:03 PM

I'll come get them. Because if they are awake as you say watching a movie, they shouldn't be anyway. It's way past bedtime for kids their age. I'm 10 mins from your house.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 10:14 PM

I'm not drinking. But I hear you've had your share of beer tonight. And I'm keeping a log of the boys complaints and begging to not be with you for court. God knows you haven't gotten anything yet because you're a pathetic human being. I'm just trying to support my boys. You don't deserve them and are harming them every second they are there.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 10:16 PM

At least I have enough respect for my children to keep this private. You care about Twitter more than your sons.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 10:18 PM

Way to go 'dad'! You know that jaden's teachers found your blog? Ok. I'm done. Hopefully, I won't have to dealwith tu again because my boy will he what they want. To not be with you ever again.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 10:19 PM

Hopefully I won't have to deal with you again because my boys will get what they want. To not be with you ever again.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 10:25 PM

Awww. Did it hurt your feelings that your boys prefer other dads to you??? You just slandered me. Judge who already hates you will love that.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 10:27 PM

Funny. Your own mother called you a sociopath.

Am I wrong...or is she out of her freaking mind?

Give a flock of chickens for the holidays!!

So the other day I got the below from a company that wants me to write about them. The company rocks and I think it is a great idea....BUT...when I got to the part where they gave the gift comparisons, I almost peed myself.

Maybe it was just the frame of mind I was in but I am fairly certain that water buffalo and diamonds or HDTVs should not be used in the same document.

Anyway...I'd like for you all to read on and come to your own conclusions.
---
Hi -

If you are going to include a blog on giving that makes a difference, you could tell readers about alternative gift translations. 2 benefits: it's fast and easy to do, it's green - no driving, shopping, wrapping, mailing, etc.

Here's what it looks like at an organization called Heifer International (www.heifer.org). Heifer helps poor families become self-reliant through gifts of farm animals and training. And then recipients "Pass on the Gift" of their animals' offspring and their new knowledge to another family in need. Here's what can happen when you give a gift through Heifer to honor everyone on your gift list, especially those who appreciate this kind of gift or folks who really don't want or need anymore stuff:

By replacing traditional holiday gifts with alternative gifts, you can help struggling farmers escape from poverty:

· Bottle of wine ($40) = 2 flocks of chickens and training to start an egg business

· Dinner for 2 at a nice steakhouse ($150) = 1 pig and a hive of honeybees and training in small biz

· Golf lessons ($500) = 2 water buffalo and training for a rice farmer to increase his yields

· Diamond earring studs ($1000) = 2 dairy cows for an African AIDS orphanage that will provide up to 8 gallons of milk a day to help improve children’s nutrition

· Burberry cashmere scarf ($200) = 1 llama, a trio of rabbits and a flock of chickens (and training!)

· Laptop computer ($800) = 1 cow and 2 goats and training in use of manure for biogas units

· Nintendo Wii game ($50) = Share of 1 dairy cow and community leadership training for women

· 42” HDTV monitor ($1200) = 10 high quality sheep for a women’s wool project business

· Rolex watch ($5000) = a whole “Ark” full of animals, 2x2, 2 cows, 2 sheep, 2 camels, 2 oxen, 2 water buffalo, 2 pigs, 2 beehives, 2 goats, 2 donkeys, 2 trios of ducks, 2 trios of rabbits, 2 trios of guinea pigs, 2 flocks of geese, 2 flocks of chicks, 2 llamas – and lots of values-based training to build strong communities

· Midsize company holiday party for clients ($30,000) = Fund an entire village’s escape from hunger and build a strong, just and equitable community through Heifer’s 12 Cornerstones training.

This year, celebrate your friends, family and colleagues with a gift in their honor to Heifer. It’s smart giving when giving has never been more important. Why not skip the presents this year, and change the world with lasting solutions for a better future.

The Mind, Body and Shit

Well - I think that the majority of you know how I sometimes throw out some major randomness and how speaking my mind is not something that I am worried about doing….so here goes another edition of TentCamper’s Random Thoughts.

I know that it is something that everyone has thought about and even most likely had in depth discussions about….Yawning.

How is yawning so contagious? Why isn’t sneezing, coughing or clearing your throat? It is only yawning. Why does the brain only fuck with us on the yawning thing? I mean, you can see someone across a room yawning and …there you go a big yawn and you are not even tired. It could be someone talking about yawning or yawning right next to you. Even someone writing about yawning can make our dumb-ass brains think that we need to yawn.

What is the point of a yawn anyway? Is there any medical or biological purpose for yawns…or was this our creator’s way of fucking with us?

(How many times did YOU yawn while reading that?)

What about sneezing? Why can’t we sneeze with our eyes open? In follow up…I kind of think that those folks out there with severe allergies, who sneeze a lot….maybe should not be allowed to drive during allergy season.

Lastly, why are women's boobs considered 'privates' and men's are not? I think that my nipples are bust as sensitive as a woman's. If the reasoning is that they are considered a sexual organ....what about mouths? Should we cover those too? Shit...even hands can be quite the sexual organ. I say that we all pe-TIT-ion to have the requirement for women to wear shirt lifted. Men and women....equal! (Fine....some women should remain clothed...but the same goes for men... I guess I think that it should be a person's personal choice.) Let's get this done people!

Why has nobody developed an in the bowl vent for toilets? (I claim this as my idea so back the F up!)

Many (if not most) bathrooms are equipped with exhaust fans in the ceiling. This is indeed a helpful product. BUT what it essentially does is take the looming odor, which is directly under you, and pull it straight up your body, across your face and then up to the vent. Why not have a vent built-in (or even an ‘aftermarket’ product) that would take the emissions from one’s stink pickle and whisk it away…BEFORE one has to hold their breath as the vapors cross the facial area?!

My New Catch 22

So, as you all know I went to the doctor about a week and a half ago and after getting the blood tests back, my doctor told me that to lower my skyrocketing cholesterol and blood pressure I would HAVE to quit smoking, change my diet and exercise regularly.

Now, if any of you know what the diet for high cholesterol is, you’ll know what hell I am going through. I am not a junk food junkie, but not being able to eat 98% of things found in a normal grocery store is…my new HELL.

On top of that, I am a week into weaning down my smoking and am at less than half of what I smoked up until now. If you have quit or know someone who has…you’ll know that the first thing you want to do is EAT! Problem number 1….I can’t fucking eat! Salads and nuts just don’t cut the ‘quit smoking cravings.’ In addition to the food aspect, my loving doc prescribed Wellbutrin (an anti anxiety drug) to help along the weaning process. The thought is good, but after reading the below ‘known’ side effects….What The Fuck?

Wellbutrin

All medicines may cause side effects, but many people have no, or minor, side effects. Check with your doctor if any of these most COMMON side effects persist or become bothersome when using Wellbutrin:

Constipation (everyone knows that a cup of coffee and a cigarette are like bowel draino); dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; headache (the smoker’s cure for any pain or ailment….smoking); increased sweating; loss of appetite(when I am not able to eat anything…I am going to get sick from mal nutrition); nausea; nervousness (again…smoking calms the system); restlessness (for this and the last one….mind you, this is an anti anxiety drug!); taste changes; trouble sleeping(can’t sleep….have a smoke…or eat…WTF?); vomiting (who doesn’t have a smoke after a good puke?); weight changes.

(I will not even get into the following SEVERE side effects.)

Seek medical attention right away if any of these SEVERE side effects occur when using Wellbutrin:

Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue); chest pain; confusion; dark urine; delusions; fainting; fast or irregular heartbeat; fever, chills, or sore throat; hallucinations; hearing problems; menstrual changes; new or worsening mental or mood changes (eg, concentration problems, panic attacks, aggressiveness, agitation, anxiety, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility, exaggerated feeling of well-being, inability to sit still); red, swollen, blistered, or peeling skin; seizures; severe headache or dizziness; severe or persistent joint or muscle pain; severe or persistent nausea, vomiting, or stomach pain; severe or persistent nervousness, restlessness, or trouble sleeping; shortness of breath; suicidal thoughts or attempts; tremor; unusual swelling; vision changes; worsening depression; yellowing of the skin or eyes.

So….here I am, smoking less, wanting to eat, not being able to eat, suffering from side effects that make me want to smoke, but can’t smoke more, needing to exercise more, but lacking the nutritional energy to do so….basically making myself nuts.

Lastly…I may be wrong, or it may just be a smoker’s mind trick, but haven’t I heard somewhere that the worst time to quit smoking is when you are under a lot of stress? (i.e. out of work, struggling financially, going through divorce, etc….all of which apply to me at the moment! And my doctor knows this.)

Is my doctor a quack? Or is this my withdrawals from nicotine and fatty foods?

Pee...for you and me!!!!!!

OK, I am not going to get into any detail about how this conversation got started…or why it lasted so long, but Mariah and I found ourselves talking about pee…and its existent or non-existent health benefits. Although most of you think I am all about the pee…I think it is pretty gross and would only use it in the case of a jelly fish sting.

Anyway, she was telling me that people swear by first morning pee…that they use it to wash their faces, drink it, etc. Just plain foul!!!

I decided to do a bit of research. Here is what I have found.

Urine consists mostly of watern with small amount of urea (a substance that can be harmful if it enters the blood stream) and excreted enzymes, minerals and hormones--which many believe can be beneficial to the body. Urine therapy involves using one's own urine to address a number of illnesses and conditions. In addition to helping maintain general health, urine therapy has been shown to be a beneficial part of skin care.

For best results, allow the urine to dry on your skin as you massage it in….

For larger problem areas or areas that are sore or sensitive to the touch like large acne outbreaks, eczema patches or large scars or blemishes, apply a compress. With a large urine sample, soak a small washcloth or rag in the urine, then lay the rag on the area. Leave it there for up to ten minutes…

…put urine in a clean spray bottle and spray it onto your skin, then let it dry there like a body mist…..

The middle stream of fresh, warm, morning urine is the most potent, and drinking it mixed with freshly squeezed orange juice is probably the fastest way to accomplish this task, although it is best not to mix urine with other foods or drinks or to take it within an hour before or after eating.

Oral drops of fresh urine can be placed directly under the tongue. Urine therapists suggest their patients start with 5 drops of fresh morning urine on the first day, increase to 5 or 10 drops on the second day, and take 10 drops on the morning of the third day and the same amount that evening before going to bed.
Self-urine may be used as eye drops and ear drops, in foot baths and even as effective enemas. Nose drops can help loosen mucus and clear up blocked nasal passages. Gargling with it is helpful for a sore throat, and inhaling it relieves sinus and respiratory congestion. Taken internally, it has a laxative and diuretic effect, as it cleanses the digestive tract.

it also works as an excellent cosmetic for moisturizing and healing skin blemishes, burns and scar tissue. However, for this usage, it is preferable to use urine that is 4 - 8 days old.

Anyway, this is quite disturbing to me. Who the F is gonna sit there, groggily piss into a cup and then rub it on their face, followed by a nice big swig…to get their morning going?!

Absolute shit I say.

Oh, but did you know that eating a pound of carrots can make you see in the dark? And if you masturbate you palms will grow hair? (not sure what happens to women.)

Please be honest and let me know if I am missing the pee boat…cuz you know…pee is what I do.

Do any of you do this? Know anyone who does? Believe in it?

Vanity - A Nationwide Illness

One of Mariah and my favorite things to do while driving around is …well…besides dissing up people’s outfits and driving skills and pointing out and laughing at the nose pickers, seat dancers and singers…vanity plates. There are tons out there, some foolish and some that make no freaking sense whatsoever.

For the ones that are evident, we read them and then try to get a good look at the driver to see if it is a good fit or not…usually NOT.

Then there are the more difficult ones…the ones that must be vanity plates, but that could just be a coincidence with the mix of letters and numbers.

Anyway, I thought I’d share with you all a few that were quite evident. I would have loved to get a good look at these drivers!!!!

What the hell are people thinking getting shit like this on their cars?!

Corn and the Mysteries of the World

WARNING! This post might be a bit on the crude side, but it is an honest, random thought that has drifted through my mind a time or two.

*AND I am trying to weed out my sissy-ass, prude and generally boring readers. (PLEASE leave an honest comment...It will help me in the weeding department.)

What is the nutritional value of corn? How much of it is taken in by the body?

I ask because I know that when I have a healthy serving of corn with a meal…pretty much the same amount comes out in my …movements.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not bashing corn…I love corn and will eat it as long as I have teeth.

I am just curious as to its nutritional value and how much of the corn the body ingests.

I know that with one kernel of corn, inside the ‘skin’ is a mushy center…is that all that is consumed by the body? I also know that the outer skin is what is…’left behind.’ What the hell kind of alien food is eaten but the body refuses to or cannot break it down?

Feel free to check out the evidence here if you dare.

If you have crazy Yoda-like corn knowledge and can enlighten the rest of the world…Please do. I’d put this mystery up there with Bigfoot, Amelia Earhart and the Loch Ness Sea Monster.

Normal Chilhood - Military Training

We gathered at the edge of the woods as the sounds of clanking dishes filled the air. Full from the dinners we had all just finished, we sat and waited for the last two members of our squad.

All dressed in our fatigues (or as close as we could get) we had our briefing. The seven of us agreed that minimal talking/noise …and of course only using our code names would be the only way to keep our top secret mission intact.

We spread out slightly as we entered the woods. For the next ten minutes all we could hear was the faint crackling of pine needles beneath out boots and a random twig snapping as we pushed our way through the trees to our hide-out.

The air was still, breezes blocked by the acres of pine trees on all sides. We entered our 2 story fort one at a time, without making a sound. Once we were all inside, we began planning our day’s activities. In low, but commanding, whispers we discussed the three traps we were going to set along the paths to our hideaway.

*We’d seen enough Vietnam and random other war movies to know the best ones to ensnare the mistaken or intentional intruders.

Over the next 5 hours all seven of us worked diligently to perfect our military works of art. We split up into 3 groups; Pain, Sniper and Grunt worked on the bungee pit, Hammer, Red and Cap worked on the spring snare while Gunny, Top, Nuke and Camo perfected the suspended log (or mace trap).

**I will not tell you which of the above my code name was.

We regrouped as it began to get late in the day and began rounds to check out all of the work that had been done. All of the traps were set…satisfied with our ingenious success, we all headed home for dinner.

Around 8PM, we got back together, armed with flashlights to inspect our newly crafted traps…and to make sure that they were still in place.

The bungee pit was the first that we got to. It was just fine…a 4 foot deep ditch, which spanned the width of the path, covered with branches, twigs and leaves – hiding the bounty of sharpened wooden spikes that were positioned at the bottom, awaiting their first prey.


The spring snare was next. It was set with a young white birch tree, pulled back with a very sensitive network of ropes, a large slip knot and trip wire. We had high hopes for this one. We tripped it a few times and were thoroughly impressed.


Lastly we came to the mace trap. This was the hardest to set as the log, suspended 20 feet in the air, had to have weighed at least 100 pounds. Held in place only by a small stick attached to the rope acting as the trip wire…this was a sensitive one and we were all very careful not to trip it by accident.


Stay tuned to the ending of this story…in my next post.

(until then...go read the first, second and third installments about my childhood)

Time Travel...To The 70s and 80s

A bit random…but I am just going to throw it out there…

Is it only me or do any of you with you could just go back in time to the late 70s or early 80s?

I loved that time…I mean sure…I got into some trouble and drove my parents absolutely insane…but I was a boy growing up in rural New Hampshire and there were no video games, addicting TV shows, cell phones to distract us.

I loved cruising around with my friends, hanging out, causing trouble and having good old fashion boy fun.

These days things are so much more complicated…yes, I know that much of that comes from being a father to 6 kids, but even when I put myself in any of their shoes…with the texting and Internet shit that they get into, the drama with all of the cliques in schools, the gangs, teens driving all over creation, etc. it is enough to drive a man nuts!

We just grounded our 12 year old and she has absolutely no clue what to do. She can’t go hang out with friends and can’t use her cell phone. We told her that she could use the house phone to call and talk to her friends and she said, “No thanks…I don’t want to talk to them…I want to text them.”

How fucking impersonal are cell phones and IMing, email and all of the other Internet communications making our kids?

We just allowed her to use AIM and she has been at the computer for 3 hours and counting….WTF!?

Now I guess we will have to limit her use. I know that kids don’t have the self control that we wished they did…shit I don’t have the self control that I wished I did…but the fact of the matter is that ….when I was a kid, and none of that stuff was around…life just seemed much more innocent, fun and …shit….easier.

Fake Fuckers, Exes and the Internet

I will start by throwing out a quick question….
Why the fuck has Blogging and Twitter become so cliquey?

I think it is stupid that people’s circles tend to grow by the number of noses that they can fit up their asses and how many bung holes they themselves can snuggle with.

I started blogging and using Twitter as they were good tools for throwing out your honest thoughts and feelings. I no longer feel this way. I am seeing all of these little cliques of people pretending to be people that they are not…gravitating towards the folks that have a bit of a following already. It is like being in high school all over again.

The fact that people can’t be comfortable just being themselves is beyond me. As you may have noticed, I have not posted anything in a while, have not been commenting and Twittering has been less frequent. I am about at a loss of words.

My ex Twitters and blogs and has seemingly gathered a little, mentally challenged, group of folks that she has convinced that I am some kind of devil and now these people follow my blogs and tweets as well as everything that Mariah writes.

Yes, I know…this post is morphing…but not that much off point.

Anyway, this woman, my ex, is soooooo not the person that she leads you to believe. (I will distribute email addresses for a handful of folks that know her quite well that can tell you ….if you are interested) She has sole legal and physical custody of my boys , yet has been evicted from 4 houses in 5 years for not paying rent. She has been booted from several banks for being fraudulent, has had my boys switch schools cuz she does not pay the tuition, etc, etc.

I’d be fine with her doing whatever she wants but now I am having my boys complain to me about having to live with their friends …and having to move…AGAIN.

She and her lawyers (who she is on number 4 now…yes…unpaid bills) have done a pretty good job convincing the judge that I am not a capable father(…yet am side by side with Mariah, raising her 4 children) and a drug addict (yet I’ve passed every urine and hair follicle test thrown at me.

I don’t know…this whole thing is making me sick and I wish people could just be real, say what is on their mind and not worry so much about what the fuck other people think about them.

People who are friends with my ex….unfollow me and and Mariah and mind your fucking business! You don’t know us and have never met us...(with the exception of one back-stabbing fucker...who knows who he is.)

Those of you who just need to belong to a popular clique…I hope you grow up…for your families’ sake.

Guess that is enough for now…

I will undoubtedly lose some followers from this one!!!! I could care less.

AND IT TOOK LESS THAN AN HOUR TO GET THESE TWO EMAILS FROM THE TIME i POSTED THIS...

You lying son of a bitch. I've switched schools bc of tuition!? Our sons were in PUBLIC school and I switched them to private. I've been evicted 5 times? You're a lying sob and I'm filing for a restraining order as (My lawyer) already said I should. Especially since I've been told you said you'd commit homicide if you were here. I think that's the 3rd time you've said that? (And yes, people got screen shots before you deleted that tweet)

You don't know the truth but are lying about me. Yet you have no job, fraudulently claim the kids on your taxes, neglect the kids. You are in for the biggest shitstorm of your life. You owe me tens of thousands in child support, our children witness prostitutes with you, you don't properly care for our kids, I could go on. I have kept quiet for the sake of (The Boys), but since you don't care about them, I guess it is time to stoop to your level. I didn't before but I'm done.

And then you attack Jim? He knows who you are. He's a real man. He is an amazing dad. You are a pathetic, lazy, drug addict, liar who would rather focus on me because that's easier than looking at your own flaws.

Real smart to do this right before we're headed to court and I've gotten an earful from some of your "friends" already in Chicago.

Off to mingle with more of your 'friends'

…

And then…

Oh - and about the address. Mail any supposed check to (My Lawyer’s) office. We're telling the court about your recent actions including helping someone who has been stalking us and threatening homicide yourself, so in addition to a restraining order we are seeking to limit your visitation and prevent you from knowing where I live.

Please do not email me anymore. All communication needs to go through my lawyer (and no, he's not my 4th lawyer), since you are harassing me.

A Better Man

Conflicted, twisted, can’t get it straight
Feelings of uselessness invade the mind
Is there a better man for them?
A candle flickering, the sun peaking through clouds
Fighting off the self disgust
Jealousy, insecurity...the stabbing pain
Is there a better man for them?
Doing my best…not nearly enough
Happy but hating
Loving and loved…but is it enough
Things can’t go on in the manner they are
Is there a better man for them?
The scale teeters, weight on both sides
What is for the best – love or money
Clutching to a thread, unable to choose
I had better be right, I’ve got everything to lose

Am I helping or hurting?

‘Normal’ childhood? – Part Two - Fork Dinner

Be sure to read part one before this one

We were all sitting around our gi-freaking-normous dinner table one night and B1 and S2 were sitting at the head and the foot of the table. It was the usual banter, bickering and chaos that it had always been and our parents had grown fond of eating their dinner at the kitchen bar.

At the table, something B1 said to S2 made her pissed. I, to this day do not know what it was but she was furious. The tone between them became more like Carrie and Freddy Kruger going at it and the rest of us just sat there staring at the two of them…it was actually getting pretty good….until, out of nowhere, S2 picked up her fork and (as if she’d been secretly studying with Ninjas) threw her fork across the table with such precision that it stuck, squarely in my brother’s forehead. (The fork mind you, sticking straight out of his head, was about an inch above but directly between his eyebrows)…held there by the 3 prongs that neatly wedged themselves ever so slightly into his forehead.

All of us just sat there …mouths on the floor, eyes open wide with amazement…but nobody said a word…not even the two of them. Our parents, not hearing any more yelling, instantly KNEW something had gone awry, came running in to see what had happened. Both of them stopped abruptly when the saw the fork, that was protruding from B1’s head, drop to the table with a loud clanking sound.

They then ran to him and checked his head and proceeded to load him into the car and off to the emergency room.

After all was said and done, and my brother had no serious injury (except for the line of three dots in the middle of his forehead that were visible for about a year) that story has been told by us all, parents included, with a smile.

Stay tuned for the next glimpse into my childhood… The Bat and the Broom

‘Normal’ childhood? - Part One - The Mini Hulk

When I look back on my childhood, I think of it as a happy, ‘normal’ childhood…just like everyone else who was growing up in the 70s and 80s. We had everything that we needed and parents who loved us and tended to us the way parents should.

Recently I’ve found myself telling wild stories from my childhood, that lead me to believe that we were anything but normal.

Growing up with 5 siblings (3 sisters and 2 brothers) there was always a lot going on and there were always rifts springing up between sets of us. For the most part, our parents just sat back (and now reflecting on it were most likely cracking the fuck up) and letting us sort things out ourselves…as learning experiences.

M=Adoptive Mother
F=Step Father
S1=sister (older by 2 years)
S2=sister (younger by 4 years)
S3=step-sister (younger by 6 years)
B1=brother (younger by 2 years)
B2=step-brother (younger by 4 years)

I will summarize a few of the questionable stories for you over the next week or so. Then you can tell me if my childhood sounds normal to you or not.

‘Normal’ childhood? - The Mini Hulk

I was a bit of an instigator (still am) and would make it a point to pick on (almost to the point of crying) B2. Now being 4 years younger, he knew that standing his ground with me would be a drastic error in judgment…so he never did…until one day. It was right after school and I was mentally jabbing at him and making him feel as close to a pile of dog shit as I could. Then something happened…the boy freaked. His eyes changed. His skin flared up in a deep red and he screamed, “I HAVE HAD IT!” I responded with some bully-ish retort that sent him flying over the edge. With that, he, moving faster than I’d ever seen him move, ran past the wood stove, snatching up the large iron fire poker and proceeded to chase me around the house…swinging at will trying to silence my banter. Realizing how serious he was, by the trail of broken vases and lamps in his wake and the near miss to the back of my head, I found the only lockable room in the house (my parents) and securely locked the door behind me. Sitting on the edge of their bed, listening to his threats of violence…I figured that the homicidal rage would soon subside and we could all go about our day as per the norm.

All of the sudden, my thoughts were interrupted by the crashing sound of the fire poker connecting with the door knob that was currently saving both of us from a great deal of pain. I watched as the knob became looser and looser, heard wood of the door cracking and I knew that it would be any minute that mini Hulk would come crashing through the door.

I took that as a sign that he was not in a frame of mind to calm down and that I should seek refuge elsewhere. I scrambled over to the window and lowered myself as far as a 12 year old could and jumped the remainder of the two story drop…then bolted (with a slight limp) over to a neighbor’s house until my parents got home.

Come back to read the next installment…Fork Dinner

Determination

Finding the truth within oneself
Like climbing a mountain of gravel with no footing to be found
Many get stuck, more get scared - yet we go on
Ledges are loved ones and loose sand our enemies
We must choose the right path
repel and try again until we get it right
Reaching the top is a long hard journey

But once it’s done, it’ll be easy to see
Determination and a good heart is all that you need

all for a carton of smokes

As many of you know…or can tell…I have not had what most would refer to as a ‘normal’ life.

This is a story that changed a lot within me and will never be forgotten.

From early in the day, the cellblock was busier but quieter than usual. This always happens when something big is coming. The quiet before the storm. The Black and Latino gangs seemed to have more distance between them than usual. As the day drifted on there was a lot of quick meetings and whispering happening within the gangs. The rec yard and mess hall were tense, yet uneventful, which was far from typical. Looking down from the third floor balcony, the common room looked like a pair of hypnotic eyeglasses, swirling groups of people on either side and a few misplaced guards in between.

Gangs in lock up are simple yet complex. They can be quite large but only the top three have any say on what happens that day. Many have no interest in being in a gang, or taking part in the insane schemes, yet protection…a family is an unavoidable need.

It was about 8PM when there seemed to be a lot more scampering around. The volume on the TV was turned up as the Latino leader and his 2 under-bosses emerged from their “office.” Simple gestures by him sent the Latino soldiers on their missions. As a group of about 15 men all converged on the level one balcony, the lookouts began signaling. There seemed to instantly 2 dozen Black soldiers surrounding the Latinos. At first there was just a lot of tough looks, talk and pushing going on. The tension was high, it felt as if it were 100 degrees on the block. The looks on everyone’s faces were looks of fear and confusion mix with honor and duty – reminiscent of soldiers on a battlefield. With another nod from the leader everything seemed to start moving in slow motion. 3 men entered a cell. Outside it was like a scrimmage line on a football field. Hitting and pushing with nobody gaining ground. Moving nearer, There were glimpses of a fellow block-mate backing into the corner of his cell, with his comrades unable to help him. The sight was frightening, even though he was the enemy.

As the muffled calls for help emerged from the cell, it was clear to everyone that his time had come. There seemed to be a slight pause before the view of stabbing motions filled the cell. All watched quietly as the victors emerged from the cell with blood-soaked hands. Quickly, with tear-glazed eyes, the sight of people running, weapons disappearing and smiles from the balcony were seen. It was clear that many involved were filled with hidden emotions. Beneath the smiles and cheers, it was easy to see the fear and sadness. Returning to the cells, hearing the jingling of keys on the guards’ belts as they ran into the block, everyone laid in their bunks, closed their eyes…all this for a carton of smokes.

What the heck is a LAG?

I am not only amazed at the speed in which pre-teens can speak, but my ability to think I understand what they are saying…and being way off base.

Driving down the street with our fast talking 12 year old when we cam to a stop light. As we were waiting, a young woman began crossing the crosswalk with her dog. All of the sudden, Megan spits out, “Dang…She has a GREAT lag!” I quickly look at the woman. I looked right at her ass, thinking that a lag was her rear. Then I realized who was in the back seat and concentrated on the woman’s walk…thinking a lag might be a kind of strut…like the old school ‘pimp walk.’

Not seeing anything special…(though I did take another sneak peak at her ass) I turned to look over my shoulder and asked, “What the heck is a lag?”

Megan laughed and faster than I could tune my ears, recited, “ I didn’t say lag…I said lag! L as in Larry, A as in Army, B as in Boob!”

I, trying to control my laughter turned and (tried to) sternly say, “Megan…B as in Boob? What about Bob…or Beach?”

After the clarification…I did realize that the woman was walking an very cute Black Lab.

Damn….I nee to keep up.

I am a wood slut

Ok…so if you haven’t guessed yet…I have a slight problem. You see, we are a family that loves the outdoors and we tend to camp a lot and we also take advantage of the great weather here in Southern California and sit out by our fire pit several nights a week.

The problem is that I have gotten to that place where I refuse to buy that stupid freakin ‘balsa’ fire wood that the local grocery stores sell for $6.00 per bundle of 5 logs. I am also unwilling to spend $50 per load of wood from the local firewood yard.

My thing is that I drive around town and stop at lumber yards and construction sites, ask them for any of their scrap wood. It works perfectly for camping and our fire pit…and it is free. I can load up the back of the car and have a week’s worth of wood with only a little bit of cutting with my saw.

I’m sure that this does not sound so bad right now, but it has gotten bad…I could be compared to a drug addict, on a quest for my next fix. I have been known to slam on the breaks, with a car full of people, throw the car in reverse…just to check out a new construction site. Driving down the street, I crane my neck as I pass by lucrative site, to see if there is any junk wood. When I start getting low on wood, I make a point of dedicating a 2 hour window of my day to troll the streets for my pot of gold.

Given the above…Mariah and the kids have all begun calling me; “Wood Slut”, “Wood Whore”, “Scrap Addict”, “Scrap Junkie” and other derogatory names. At first I did not mind, but ….an I sick? Do I need help? Is there a 12-step support group for this?

Well…I gotta run. It is Friday and I need wood for the weekend!

HOW DUMB ARE PEOPLE?

Why don’t printing companies use spell check and have someone who proofs their work?

I see it all the time but just recently I came across two instances where I just can’t believe that someone actually printed thousands of pages with fucked up things on them.

I was at a restaurant the other day (in a snooty part of town) and was looking at the menu when I noticed potato spelled P-O-T-A-T-O and P-O-T-A-T-O-E. I quickly brought it to Mariah’s attention. We exchanged weird looks and the proceeded to continue scrutinizing the menu, at which point we found the same issue with the word tomato…spelled with and without an E at the end.

Then yesterday, I was looking through some of the store circulars in the Los Angeles Times and came across this 4 page, full color ad for a store that is closing a location and has a huge sale going on….but nowhere in the ad does it say the name of the store or an address….WTF?! The funny part is that Mariah and I were very interested in going to the store to get some stuff...but we have no clue what it is ...or where it is.

By the way...why are the weekly store ads called circulars? English is stupid!

Who the fuck at the paper or the store’s marketing department…or the restaurant’s printer is there to ensure that everything reads well? Obviously nobody. I don’t know why this gets under my skin so much…but it does!!!

The English language pisses me off enough…now, on top of that I have to come across shit like this ….HOW DUMB ARE PEOPLE?

Rub It

I think that there are a lot of cool tattoos out there...but on the same note, I now wish that I did not have any. I went through a phase (if you can call a 5 year span a phase) where I thought that tattoos were the ultimate in cool.

To me, they said something about the person who's skin they wove themselves into. I could tell a little soomething about people by their tattoos (biker, neo nazzi, gang member, ex-con, mamma's boy, etc.)

Then again...as things are today...you can't tell if it says something about the person or if it says something about who the person wants to be...or

if they are just doing it cuz someone else did it.


I don't mind the folks that 'ink up' because it is something internally meaningful to them...but it is the people who get tattoos like they are jewelry (or make up) that kill me. I know that I have three tats, but they are all concealable (unless I am at the beach...or getting down to business.) You would not know that I had any if I have a t-shirt on.


I have seen some sexy as shit tats...have seen some on guys that look really good...and have seen some that are absolutely FUCKED!!!!

And even with all of that...Look what I have done to myself

This does not rub off?!

Each of my tattoos does mean something to me...but I do have MANY days when I wish that I never got any...or some freaky scientist would come up with some "Tat-Be-Gone" lotion and you could just ...rub it off.

Who Is He?

The view from afar is a man so complete
His body looks good and his clothes very neat
Moving closer, squinting your eyes
It is now apparent that he is no prize

The attractive façade begins to crumble
You hear his words, a drug induced mumble
The sorrow you feel, like a knife in his heart
Deflating his soul as he falls apart

He trips over everything and tries to get up
Like playing fetch with a crippled pup
The shame he feels is guilt on his mind
He takes another hit…the blind leading the blind

Beaten down at the foot of his queen
He can’t help to think, “Why is everyone so mean?”
The train’s last stop is at a place of healing
The substances gone, he begins to regain feeling

Hurt and sadness about the past
Working through it brings happiness at last