People In Glass Feathers Don’t Fall Far From The Goats

I am going to take you all on a short journey through time. You ready? Seatbelts on?

About a year ago, Manic Mariah and I were sitting at our favorite coffee shop enjoying a fun game of Scrabble (There will be a post on Scrabble) while eavesdropping on everyone around us. Now, I have to say that what the eavesdropping sparked was a long and drawn out competitive yet collaborative venture that we enjoyed for months to come.

At the coffee shop that day, we heard some of the most ridiculous pick up lines, witnessed horrifying first dates and a plethora of odd people having conversations with their, clothed, dogs. But the funny thing was that what caught both of our attention was when a woman, sitting with her friend made a comment regarding it “raining cats and dogs” and if that was not enough, she followed that, a few minutes later by saying something about a goose and a gander.

Manic Mariah and I, at the same moment decided that it was extremely important to put together a list of all of the sayings that really “got our goats.”

As we began this list, we attempted to not only figure out what some of them meant, but why they became sayings and what their origin was.

Our list was somewhere between 50 and 100 …..and now I can’t find the list. All that time, effort and “important” research …down the drain.

So here is what I am asking of you.

Please post a comment with a saying that really “gets under your skin”, why it bugs you and what you think the origin is.

OCD Sucks

Due to some technical difficulties…or my ever-present OCD…I had to erase all of the timers for shows set to record on our satellite system. There were some conflicts and things just weren’t working right (as smooth as I’d like them to be.)

As to not forget any shows…and again letting some OCD seep out, I first made a list (I love lists) of everything that we, as a household, wanted recorded on a regular basis.

35 freakin shows!
And 25 of them are shows primarily for Mariah and I.

What the hell are we thinking? How are we supposed to watch 25 hours of TV a week?

That made me think about it in relation to other things in my weekly schedule…fine…It was an excuse for me to make another list.

Here is what I cam up with…In order:
Sleep – 56 Hours
TV – 25
HoursWriting / computer / work – 25 Hours
Homework help – 10 Hours
Laundry/cooking/household chores – 8 Hours
Carpools – 8 Hours
Sex – 6 Hours
Volunteering at the school – 4.5 Hours
Shopping – 3 Hours

A TOTAL OF 145.5 HOURS!

Being that there are only 168 hours in the week…I have about 22.5 hours unaccounted for. (I know I do other things so I will not stress about ‘losing time’ or anything.)

Now, looking at this list…I know that I need to move SEX MUCH HIGHER in the list, additionally, I am spending roughly 47% of the hours in the week sleeping and watching TV…WTF!? Like I don’t have better things to do.

Vanity - A Nationwide Illness

One of Mariah and my favorite things to do while driving around is …well…besides dissing up people’s outfits and driving skills and pointing out and laughing at the nose pickers, seat dancers and singers…vanity plates. There are tons out there, some foolish and some that make no freaking sense whatsoever.

For the ones that are evident, we read them and then try to get a good look at the driver to see if it is a good fit or not…usually NOT.

Then there are the more difficult ones…the ones that must be vanity plates, but that could just be a coincidence with the mix of letters and numbers.

Anyway, I thought I’d share with you all a few that were quite evident. I would have loved to get a good look at these drivers!!!!

What the hell are people thinking getting shit like this on their cars?!

Confucius Vs. Dr. Phil

I don’t know about you but recently I have been having some issues with the sayings like, “Money can’t buy love.” and “Money doesn’t equal happiness."

I know that literally they are true, but at the core of what they mean….I have always thought it to be… without the ‘pad’ of money, it is much easier to feel/experience what love really is.

Now…Philosophers and ‘wise men’ may say these things, while at the same time, psychologists and socioeconomic studies say the complete opposite. “The lack of money and financial hard times are proven to be the root of a great deal of divorce, break ups, and household dysfunction.”

WTF!?

With the economy, lack of work and rising costs of having 6 kids (schools, groceries, movies, ice cream, birthday gifts, etc., etc.) The ‘lack of funds’ is proving to have a devastating effect on our whole house.

Mariah and I worry about ‘making it’ through the month, while the kids, increasingly, need things - and we don't need the kids worrying about our money situation. Continually telling the kids that we can’t afford it or that it will have t wait kind of puts a damper on their day and makes them wonder how stable our family really is. Meanwhile, Mariah and my stress levels rise and it tends to come out in the form of a cold, angry, or unhappy attitude…which then equates to the Gods pissing on our ‘flame.’

I love Mariah. I love all of the kids. I love the time we are able to spend together. I love what we have. But these days it seems that, whether it is Mariah and I or one of us with one of ( or a group of ) the kids…tempers are short, attitudes uneasy and the lovey, cuddly sides of us all are pushed aside from the stress. I feel like at any given time…someone in the house is in a foul mood…and does everyone else have the right to be cheery and happy?

I miss the constant smiles that we all once shared. I miss the spontaneous love making. I miss the luxury of being able to take Mariah out for an evening.

I want it all back!

I know that it is all part of being an adult, being a parent, being out of work and struggling through hard times…but it is plaguing me and I fucking hate it!!!!

Talk About A Complete Woman

The first time I saw her, sitting across the room from me, I was in awe. Her very presence threw me off balance. Thinking of what to say to her was futile. I could not get words to pass my lips. I sat there, hypnotized by her.

After a day of continuous thoughts and dreams, I took the leap and uttered a string of words to her that to this day I have no recollection. Something happened. I did not have to think of what to say …the words just flowed out. Talking to this stranger was the easiest thing I had ever done.

We bonded very quickly and talked about everything. We shared our secrets, likes, dislikes, histories…our entire lives. After only a few days, it was as if we’d known each other since birth. The number of things that we have in common is absolutely amazing.

This was 3 ½ years ago. Today I feel the same way. We are very similar, but even with our differences…we balance each other in the most perfect way.

In this woman…with her; old man fetishes, quirky weirdness, yearning to ‘rescue’ any and all animals to keep as pets…her love for religion and her uncontrollable and overwhelming tendency to emotionally be sucked into ANYONE’S misfortune…..I have found the woman that I’d do anything for…that I will be with til the end of time…that makes me strive to be better every day…that STILL makes my heart beat faster in her presence.

This sexy, smart, funny, outgoing, loving and honest woman is the woman of my dreams.

**I wonder if she knows who she is.

Fake Fuckers, Exes and the Internet

I will start by throwing out a quick question….
Why the fuck has Blogging and Twitter become so cliquey?

I think it is stupid that people’s circles tend to grow by the number of noses that they can fit up their asses and how many bung holes they themselves can snuggle with.

I started blogging and using Twitter as they were good tools for throwing out your honest thoughts and feelings. I no longer feel this way. I am seeing all of these little cliques of people pretending to be people that they are not…gravitating towards the folks that have a bit of a following already. It is like being in high school all over again.

The fact that people can’t be comfortable just being themselves is beyond me. As you may have noticed, I have not posted anything in a while, have not been commenting and Twittering has been less frequent. I am about at a loss of words.

My ex Twitters and blogs and has seemingly gathered a little, mentally challenged, group of folks that she has convinced that I am some kind of devil and now these people follow my blogs and tweets as well as everything that Mariah writes.

Yes, I know…this post is morphing…but not that much off point.

Anyway, this woman, my ex, is soooooo not the person that she leads you to believe. (I will distribute email addresses for a handful of folks that know her quite well that can tell you ….if you are interested) She has sole legal and physical custody of my boys , yet has been evicted from 4 houses in 5 years for not paying rent. She has been booted from several banks for being fraudulent, has had my boys switch schools cuz she does not pay the tuition, etc, etc.

I’d be fine with her doing whatever she wants but now I am having my boys complain to me about having to live with their friends …and having to move…AGAIN.

She and her lawyers (who she is on number 4 now…yes…unpaid bills) have done a pretty good job convincing the judge that I am not a capable father(…yet am side by side with Mariah, raising her 4 children) and a drug addict (yet I’ve passed every urine and hair follicle test thrown at me.

I don’t know…this whole thing is making me sick and I wish people could just be real, say what is on their mind and not worry so much about what the fuck other people think about them.

People who are friends with my ex….unfollow me and and Mariah and mind your fucking business! You don’t know us and have never met us...(with the exception of one back-stabbing fucker...who knows who he is.)

Those of you who just need to belong to a popular clique…I hope you grow up…for your families’ sake.

Guess that is enough for now…

I will undoubtedly lose some followers from this one!!!! I could care less.

AND IT TOOK LESS THAN AN HOUR TO GET THESE TWO EMAILS FROM THE TIME i POSTED THIS...

You lying son of a bitch. I've switched schools bc of tuition!? Our sons were in PUBLIC school and I switched them to private. I've been evicted 5 times? You're a lying sob and I'm filing for a restraining order as (My lawyer) already said I should. Especially since I've been told you said you'd commit homicide if you were here. I think that's the 3rd time you've said that? (And yes, people got screen shots before you deleted that tweet)

You don't know the truth but are lying about me. Yet you have no job, fraudulently claim the kids on your taxes, neglect the kids. You are in for the biggest shitstorm of your life. You owe me tens of thousands in child support, our children witness prostitutes with you, you don't properly care for our kids, I could go on. I have kept quiet for the sake of (The Boys), but since you don't care about them, I guess it is time to stoop to your level. I didn't before but I'm done.

And then you attack Jim? He knows who you are. He's a real man. He is an amazing dad. You are a pathetic, lazy, drug addict, liar who would rather focus on me because that's easier than looking at your own flaws.

Real smart to do this right before we're headed to court and I've gotten an earful from some of your "friends" already in Chicago.

Off to mingle with more of your 'friends'

…

And then…

Oh - and about the address. Mail any supposed check to (My Lawyer’s) office. We're telling the court about your recent actions including helping someone who has been stalking us and threatening homicide yourself, so in addition to a restraining order we are seeking to limit your visitation and prevent you from knowing where I live.

Please do not email me anymore. All communication needs to go through my lawyer (and no, he's not my 4th lawyer), since you are harassing me.

A Better Man

Conflicted, twisted, can’t get it straight
Feelings of uselessness invade the mind
Is there a better man for them?
A candle flickering, the sun peaking through clouds
Fighting off the self disgust
Jealousy, insecurity...the stabbing pain
Is there a better man for them?
Doing my best…not nearly enough
Happy but hating
Loving and loved…but is it enough
Things can’t go on in the manner they are
Is there a better man for them?
The scale teeters, weight on both sides
What is for the best – love or money
Clutching to a thread, unable to choose
I had better be right, I’ve got everything to lose

Am I helping or hurting?

Manic TentCamping Road Trip

As most of you already know, Manic Mariah and I are going on a road trip. We are driving from Santa Monica to northern Georgia on June 23rd and will be leaving Georgia around the 6th of July and going from Georgia to Mammoth, CA for a few more days.

We would love to meet any of you guys and would also like suggestions on where to go, what to see and where to eat along our route. If any of you live (anywhere) along our route and are interested in grabbing a drink or giving us some tips on things to do…PLEASE LET US KNOW.

Below is a map (with a link to an interactive map) of our route…Please check it out and hook up with us along our drive.

Cars and Tents and Roads...Oh...Manic

Quick little post here.

For this year’s family reunion in Georgia, Mariah and I are going to drive out and back.

Yes…we are driving and the kids will be flying. Ain’t no way I am driving 5,000 miles with all that fighting and pushing…hell no.

Anyway, we will be leaving Los Angeles towards the end of June and driving (pretty much the whole way) along the 10 freeway. Through Arizona, New Mexico, Northern Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas and Tennessee.) For the return in early July, we will be touring around a bit through the southern states (Savanna-GA, Mobile-AL, Baton Rouge & New Orleans-LA, Little Rock & Fort Smith-AR, Oklahoma City-OK, Amarillo-TX, Santa Fe-NM and then heading over to the Grand Canyon.

*** and we will be camping the whole way (in tents…with drinks and campfires…well..no fires in the tents.)

Well at least that is roughly what we are planning.

Here is what we need from you all.

If any of you have suggestions of places to see, cool campgrounds or things to do along our route…PLEASE LET US KNOW!
Additionally, If any of you live anywhere near our route and would like to have a few cold beers or a glass of wine…and meet us….PLEASE LET US KNOW!

We are kind of doing this trip blind and will get to where we get to. Mariah is not letting me …do my thing and make charts and lists and all that shit. So please….I AM BEGGING FOR YOUR HELP HERE.

I am a wood slut

Ok…so if you haven’t guessed yet…I have a slight problem. You see, we are a family that loves the outdoors and we tend to camp a lot and we also take advantage of the great weather here in Southern California and sit out by our fire pit several nights a week.

The problem is that I have gotten to that place where I refuse to buy that stupid freakin ‘balsa’ fire wood that the local grocery stores sell for $6.00 per bundle of 5 logs. I am also unwilling to spend $50 per load of wood from the local firewood yard.

My thing is that I drive around town and stop at lumber yards and construction sites, ask them for any of their scrap wood. It works perfectly for camping and our fire pit…and it is free. I can load up the back of the car and have a week’s worth of wood with only a little bit of cutting with my saw.

I’m sure that this does not sound so bad right now, but it has gotten bad…I could be compared to a drug addict, on a quest for my next fix. I have been known to slam on the breaks, with a car full of people, throw the car in reverse…just to check out a new construction site. Driving down the street, I crane my neck as I pass by lucrative site, to see if there is any junk wood. When I start getting low on wood, I make a point of dedicating a 2 hour window of my day to troll the streets for my pot of gold.

Given the above…Mariah and the kids have all begun calling me; “Wood Slut”, “Wood Whore”, “Scrap Addict”, “Scrap Junkie” and other derogatory names. At first I did not mind, but ….an I sick? Do I need help? Is there a 12-step support group for this?

Well…I gotta run. It is Friday and I need wood for the weekend!

HOW DUMB ARE PEOPLE?

Why don’t printing companies use spell check and have someone who proofs their work?

I see it all the time but just recently I came across two instances where I just can’t believe that someone actually printed thousands of pages with fucked up things on them.

I was at a restaurant the other day (in a snooty part of town) and was looking at the menu when I noticed potato spelled P-O-T-A-T-O and P-O-T-A-T-O-E. I quickly brought it to Mariah’s attention. We exchanged weird looks and the proceeded to continue scrutinizing the menu, at which point we found the same issue with the word tomato…spelled with and without an E at the end.

Then yesterday, I was looking through some of the store circulars in the Los Angeles Times and came across this 4 page, full color ad for a store that is closing a location and has a huge sale going on….but nowhere in the ad does it say the name of the store or an address….WTF?! The funny part is that Mariah and I were very interested in going to the store to get some stuff...but we have no clue what it is ...or where it is.

By the way...why are the weekly store ads called circulars? English is stupid!

Who the fuck at the paper or the store’s marketing department…or the restaurant’s printer is there to ensure that everything reads well? Obviously nobody. I don’t know why this gets under my skin so much…but it does!!!

The English language pisses me off enough…now, on top of that I have to come across shit like this ….HOW DUMB ARE PEOPLE?

Nothing Neighborly About My Hood

I will start by saying that I live in a very nice, safe and …sort of upscale neighborhood and love our proximity to the ocean (7 blocks.) This is great and good for the kids. They can walk to the beach, shopping, schools…and we have no need to worry about their safety.

The one thing that has lodged itself beneath my skin is how different this neighborhood is from the one that I grew up in. As a kid, I remember knowing everyone in the neighborhood. My parents knew everyone and got together for dinner or drinks with them regularly. We, as kids, would cruise around and go door to door hanging out with each other. It was a very comfortable feeling…one of community and friendliness.

Here on the other hand, no matter how hard we try, our neighbors SUCK!!!! Even on our block…nobody hangs outside. Nobody is invited to anyone’s BBQs or get-togethers. There is not even a “hello” while walking down the street. We may get a little head nod, but I just don’t get it.

This is a house that Mariah grew up in and her family has been here for more than 25 years…still nothing. There are a few kids on the block that are the same age as our kids…yet none of them play together. Some of the adults are our age, yet socializing is unheard of. What the fuck?!

The only neighbor that is friendly and eager to talk and be involved is the family directly next door…but they barely speak English. They are Chinese and the language barrier is more of a brick wall than a barrier. Mr. Neighbor does come over when he sees me outside, to spark up random little conversations (which is nice and I do appreciate the effort) but often I think that we both get a bit frustrated with our inability to communicate effectively.

As an example (because it just happened) he asked me and I had to try to explain about TPing. (Some girls who have a crush on our son snuck over the other night and did their best to cover our hedge and tree out front with toilet paper.) Mr. Neighbor was concerned, so I had to explain that it was all in fun and that it was something that young teens do as a sign of affection and playfulness. This conversation was one that lasted at least 30 minutes and was primarily me talking and him nodding with a blank look on his face.

Anyway…we have been seriously considering moving. We love the area we are in but this un-neighborly neighborhood that we are in is a shitty feeling that is too hard to shake. I would, quite frankly, rather live in a trailer park in tornado alley with neighbors who hung out together, looked after one another and were just plain neighborly.

Enough venting for me…for now…I have to pee!

Kids Are A Reflection

As a parent, I can say that I find it funny how much you can tell about the parenting by the attitude of kids. I truly think that when you encounter those smart-ass kids with disrespectful attitudes and a filthy mouth…it is the parents’ fault. Those bratty kids that whine and can’t do a damn thing on their own…parents’ fault. The kids failing at school…parents’ fault. The trouble makers, the bullies, the sissies, the druggies and the sluts…all the parents’ fault. Yes….there are exceptions, but for the most part I think that much of the above can and could be quickly sqashed if the parents act quickly and tend to their kids the way a parent should.

This also goes the other way. You know when you meet that kid who seems 5 years older than they really are. The one’s that consistently say please and thank you. The one’s who do well in school. The ones that surround themselves with decent friends. The ones who enjoy being home as much as going out with friends. The ones who, by nature, offer respect to elders and don’t talk back.

You meet those kids and suddenly wonder what you could do to get your kids to act more like them…”Have I done something wrong? Why doesn’t my kid act like that?”

Yes…you guessed it. I am talking about Mariah and her kids. For any parent…or Mother for that matter, there is no better compliment than someone telling you how great a job you have done in raising such well rounded and wonderful children.

I am saying this to you Mariah. You have done the impossible. You’ve raised 4 great kids who all have the ‘good’ qualities that I mentioned above. No matter how you feel about yourself on any given day. Know that you have successfully out-parented 90% of the nation.

Happy Mother’s Day M-Cool !!!!!!!!

Legal Drug Dealers

It kills me, when Mariah and I are sitting with our drinks and watching our TV shows at night. Well…THAT in itself is great…the part that kills me is when the commercials come on. I am not talking about the HoverRound or the Sham Wow…I am talking about those medicine commercials.

We watch and listen as the narrator walks us through the symptoms and then on to how this great new medicine will bring peace and harmony to the sufferer…and their loved ones.

The ones that really ‘get my goat’ (that was just said for Mariah’s benefit) are the ones for allergies and insomnia….which in my mind are not the most severe illnesses in the world. Yeah, fine, if you can’t sleep or sneeze when you go outside…it must SUCK…but you really need to listen to the end of the commercials, when they start talking faster and announce all of the possible side effects. Read the following two lists of side effects and tell me if you’d rather sneeze a bit …or have trouble sleeping rather than potentially suffer from the side effects.

Allergy medication:
side effects
skin rash, bruising, severe tingling, numbness, pain, muscle weakness;
mood or behavior changes, anxiety, depression, or thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself; tremors or shaking; severe sinus pain, swelling, or irritation; or worsening asthma symptoms.
Less serious Singulair side effects may include:
headache; stomach pain, heartburn, upset stomach, nausea, diarrhea; tooth pain; tired feeling; fever, stuffy nose, sore throat, cough, hoarseness; or mild rash. (Isn’t this the symptoms of allergies?)


Insomnia medication:
side effects:
Constipation; diarrhea; dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth, nose, or throat; excitability; headache; loss of appetite; nausea; nervousness or anxiety; trouble sleeping (Hello? A medicine for insomnia); upset stomach; vomiting; weakness.

Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue); dark urine or pale stools; difficulty urinating or inability to urinate; fast or irregular heartbeat; hallucinations; seizures; severe dizziness, lightheadedness, or headache; stomach pain; tremor; trouble sleeping; unusual fatigue; vision changes; yellowing of the skin or eyes.

To me…any of the possible side effects listed would be worse than the original symptoms.

It is like these drug companies know that we are all suckers and that we will take anything to relieve long-standing symptoms…then the fuck us again by making us take something else to counteract the side effects…and so on and so on.

Can’t we just go back to when we cured our ailments with what Mother Earth put here for us? Snake bile, peyote, smoke from a burning termite nest, leaches, etc.

I give up!!!!

Fingers

When I first me Manic Mariah we used to exchange little poems and note about how we felt about one another. It was very sweet and I still have many of them. Then one day I asked her to just name something for me to write about. She blurted out, "my fingers." This is what I came up with...

Fingers

Brothers and sisters all linked together
Gripping me hard, or light as a feather
Fingers so sexy, a delight for me to see
One stroke by them is never enough for me
One at a time, searching my skin
Finding the best place for caressing to begin

Brushing on my face or grabbing me below
Your gentile touch make my juices start to flow
From the fist touch until the last
It seems to me that an eternity has past
Touching, licking and sucking them – I like
How to work them - like riding a bike

I love your fingers, so sexual and sweet
Just remember…NEVER touch my feet

The English Language Sucks!

I know that it has been a while since I last posted, but there has just been a lot going on in my life lately. Not to mention my latest issue.

The kids are off visiting with their father and the house is virtually empty. These are the times that I reserve to get some shit done around the house. The project at the top of my list right now, though not a huge one, is the cause for both anxiety and deep thought.

The project itself is simple…repair the leak in our shower. Remove the shower knob. Remove and replace worn inner part(s). Re-attach knob and seal. Simple…yes, I know.

The issue is as follows: I have no caulk. (No…I did not say COCK…I said caulk.) This is where the anxiety comes in. I hate the fact that I have to walk into my local hardware store and ask the burly guy that runs the place if he has caulk. What do you say? “Excuse me…I am looking for caulk.” “Do you have caulk?” “Where can I find caulk?” “Do you have light brown caulk? My wife does not want white caulk.”

What the fuck is wrong with the guy who invented and named caulk? Wouldn’t you think that he’d know how it sounds and that the majority of people buying it would be plumbers, builders, DIY “manly men” and the such? He could have just named it; goop or sealer or even sticky shit. (Although there may be similar issues with “sticky shit.”

So basically, I have not started my project and have a feeling that before I do, I will be down at the hardware store scanning the aisles for the caulk display as so this manly mo fo will not need to inquire with anyone about caulk.

I even thought about sending Mariah to make the purchase…but I know her. She would have too much fun with it and would be all, “Excuse me big boy….can you show me your caulk? I need some very badly.” OH HELL NO….I ain’t with all that!

A step parent needs your HELP

I don’t know how many of you have step kids, but I think I have dug myself into quite the hole around here.

I bitch and moan that I want the kids to look at me as a parent / equal to their mother (obviously not counting the ‘I came out of her vagina bond’ thing) But I want them to come to me with problems, to ask permission for things, for a kiss goodnight, etc.

I have not pushed the goodnight kisses, hugs whenever, etc…so now I feel kind of uncomfortable/scared hugging or kissing the girls. Are they going to think that I am being inappropriate? Will they wonder why the big change? Will they start thinking about why I have not been doing it all along?

I love Mariah’s kids as I do my own and would do anything for them. The one thing I fear is doing something that would make one (or all) of them pull away from me.

I just don’t know what to do. Start doing it religiously from now on. Continue the way that I have been and gradually begin to do it more and more. I am at a loss.

I Am SOOOOOOOOOOO DEAD!!!!!!!!

I am completely freaked the fuck out right now!!! I woke up about 30 minutes ago from a horrifying nightmare. I don’t know where I was but I was being attacked by birds. They kept swooping down and pecking at my head and face. It was all that I could do to swat them away. I was able to catch a few as they came in, and would just twist their heads around until I felt them snap. After taking out a half dozen or so, I saw a huge flock flying in….and that is when I woke up.

But when I did…I found Mariah’s bird Sammy…dead….in a crumpled pile next to me.

WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO? Mariah is out back with her grandmother and has been since early this morning….she must have brought the bird up to our room earlier and…. OH SHIT! I don’t know what I am going to say to her when she gets in. SHIT FUCK!!!!!



APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!