Cyber Sociopath

So, as most of you know, I have been going through a shitty time with my ex and her ridiculous behavior. I know that I tweeted a few things last night when she started texting me with .... the following.

Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 9:47 PM

I'm in Brentwood at a dinner and am hearing that you and mariah can't handle my young boys and give them the attention they need. Should I come get them and bring them to their home where they are loved and appreicated?


FROM ME TO HER
Whatever. I am sitting watching a movie with them. Fuck off and don’t text me with this stupid shit anymore.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 9:49 PM

Especially sice Mariah complains about them every time they are there and they hate being there anyway. I'd rather my sons be happy.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 9:57 PM

Really? I heard you're playing poker while jaden sleeps on the couch again. They tell everyone how they hate being with you. Poor Jaden told sarah XXX's husband stu that he wishes he was his dad instead of you because stu actually pays attention to the boys. Michelle XXX listened to the boys complain about how much they hate going to your house the whole way there today. You're a pathetic excuse for a dad. Why bother trying? Just make them happy. It's so easy. All hey want is your attention and love and you are just too selfish.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 9:59 PM

They are happier home withe where they are suurpunded by people that care and pay attention to them. At least let them have that.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 10:03 PM

I'll come get them. Because if they are awake as you say watching a movie, they shouldn't be anyway. It's way past bedtime for kids their age. I'm 10 mins from your house.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 10:14 PM

I'm not drinking. But I hear you've had your share of beer tonight. And I'm keeping a log of the boys complaints and begging to not be with you for court. God knows you haven't gotten anything yet because you're a pathetic human being. I'm just trying to support my boys. You don't deserve them and are harming them every second they are there.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 10:16 PM

At least I have enough respect for my children to keep this private. You care about Twitter more than your sons.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 10:18 PM

Way to go 'dad'! You know that jaden's teachers found your blog? Ok. I'm done. Hopefully, I won't have to dealwith tu again because my boy will he what they want. To not be with you ever again.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 10:19 PM

Hopefully I won't have to deal with you again because my boys will get what they want. To not be with you ever again.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 10:25 PM

Awww. Did it hurt your feelings that your boys prefer other dads to you??? You just slandered me. Judge who already hates you will love that.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 10:27 PM

Funny. Your own mother called you a sociopath.

Am I wrong...or is she out of her freaking mind?

Peeing in a Tornado

OK….What gives?

Let’s just say that reflecting on things…sitting or lying down trying to assess my current situation… has become quite the nightmare of a task.

Basic summary:

I am unemployed.

I have been looking for work for about a year and have literally come up dry. I won’t say that I have been out on the streets banging on doors every day, but I have sent my resume to thousands of people and still….nothing.

I know that the economy and the current job market suck right now…and that huge numbers of people are out of work…which just makes it that much harder.

There seem to be many reasons that I am not finding work:
Over-qualified
No experience
Felony record

Now, over the past 25 years, I have done the following for work; Restaurant (dishwasher, server, bar back, assistant manager), Construction (roofer, grunt for wood framing contractor), Mental Health (worker and then manager for 2 different group homes for mentally handicapped adults), Public Relations (in-house for House of Blues, then started a PR firm which I ran for 8 years), Internet/Magazines (co-founded 2 successful online magazines and acted as Executive Editor for another), Professional (General administration and then promoted to Operations Manager for an LA based financial consulting firm.)

When I apply to PR/marketing companies…I usually get, “too qualified” or “we found someone who better matches our needs.”
When I apply to offices for Admin jobs…I did not work in that field long enough or I am over qualified (what the fuck does that mean?...both over and under????)
When I apply at McDonalds and grocery stores (which I have) I get turned away upon them seeing a felony record.
When I apply for general labor jobs, I do not have current experience…15 years ago does not seem to count.
…WHATEVER… The point is, I CAN”T FIND A FUCKING GOOD JOB!
(**if you know of anything…feel free to let me know)

Am I going to have to move to freakin Greece and become a fisherman? Try out for Deadliest Catch, leverage everything I can and give it a shot as a professional poker player?

What?...you ask what my dream job is? I would start as a crew member and then an owner of a sportfishing charter…fishing the big boys off southern Baja. Shit…I’d take cleaning the docks in Marina Del Rey.

AND THEN…..My (pending) divorce…
This case has been going on for more than 3.5 years. She has a (well she is on her 5th) lawyer and I (since the start) can’t afford one and did not think that there was enough to argue about to really need one. MY BAD! So, I am still not, technically, divorced (although the judge granted the dissolution more than a year ago.) All I want is to have fair / standard time with my boys. I suppose that if I got a job, I could hire an attorney and get this whole thing over with…but scroll back to the top.

With 6 kids – it is hard not to feel like a total fucking loser. The situation is absolutely Maddening!

Well…..enough of this pity / venting shit and back to actually feeling like shit.

Fake Fuckers, Exes and the Internet

I will start by throwing out a quick question….
Why the fuck has Blogging and Twitter become so cliquey?

I think it is stupid that people’s circles tend to grow by the number of noses that they can fit up their asses and how many bung holes they themselves can snuggle with.

I started blogging and using Twitter as they were good tools for throwing out your honest thoughts and feelings. I no longer feel this way. I am seeing all of these little cliques of people pretending to be people that they are not…gravitating towards the folks that have a bit of a following already. It is like being in high school all over again.

The fact that people can’t be comfortable just being themselves is beyond me. As you may have noticed, I have not posted anything in a while, have not been commenting and Twittering has been less frequent. I am about at a loss of words.

My ex Twitters and blogs and has seemingly gathered a little, mentally challenged, group of folks that she has convinced that I am some kind of devil and now these people follow my blogs and tweets as well as everything that Mariah writes.

Yes, I know…this post is morphing…but not that much off point.

Anyway, this woman, my ex, is soooooo not the person that she leads you to believe. (I will distribute email addresses for a handful of folks that know her quite well that can tell you ….if you are interested) She has sole legal and physical custody of my boys , yet has been evicted from 4 houses in 5 years for not paying rent. She has been booted from several banks for being fraudulent, has had my boys switch schools cuz she does not pay the tuition, etc, etc.

I’d be fine with her doing whatever she wants but now I am having my boys complain to me about having to live with their friends …and having to move…AGAIN.

She and her lawyers (who she is on number 4 now…yes…unpaid bills) have done a pretty good job convincing the judge that I am not a capable father(…yet am side by side with Mariah, raising her 4 children) and a drug addict (yet I’ve passed every urine and hair follicle test thrown at me.

I don’t know…this whole thing is making me sick and I wish people could just be real, say what is on their mind and not worry so much about what the fuck other people think about them.

People who are friends with my ex….unfollow me and and Mariah and mind your fucking business! You don’t know us and have never met us...(with the exception of one back-stabbing fucker...who knows who he is.)

Those of you who just need to belong to a popular clique…I hope you grow up…for your families’ sake.

Guess that is enough for now…

I will undoubtedly lose some followers from this one!!!! I could care less.

AND IT TOOK LESS THAN AN HOUR TO GET THESE TWO EMAILS FROM THE TIME i POSTED THIS...

You lying son of a bitch. I've switched schools bc of tuition!? Our sons were in PUBLIC school and I switched them to private. I've been evicted 5 times? You're a lying sob and I'm filing for a restraining order as (My lawyer) already said I should. Especially since I've been told you said you'd commit homicide if you were here. I think that's the 3rd time you've said that? (And yes, people got screen shots before you deleted that tweet)

You don't know the truth but are lying about me. Yet you have no job, fraudulently claim the kids on your taxes, neglect the kids. You are in for the biggest shitstorm of your life. You owe me tens of thousands in child support, our children witness prostitutes with you, you don't properly care for our kids, I could go on. I have kept quiet for the sake of (The Boys), but since you don't care about them, I guess it is time to stoop to your level. I didn't before but I'm done.

And then you attack Jim? He knows who you are. He's a real man. He is an amazing dad. You are a pathetic, lazy, drug addict, liar who would rather focus on me because that's easier than looking at your own flaws.

Real smart to do this right before we're headed to court and I've gotten an earful from some of your "friends" already in Chicago.

Off to mingle with more of your 'friends'

…

And then…

Oh - and about the address. Mail any supposed check to (My Lawyer’s) office. We're telling the court about your recent actions including helping someone who has been stalking us and threatening homicide yourself, so in addition to a restraining order we are seeking to limit your visitation and prevent you from knowing where I live.

Please do not email me anymore. All communication needs to go through my lawyer (and no, he's not my 4th lawyer), since you are harassing me.

3 Fucking Years!!!!!!

You ever have something that you really want to do (for many reasons) and you just can’t seem to get it done…no matter how hard you try?

Well that is MY LIFE!

As you all know…I married the wrong bitch-ass, cunt, troll, psycho person the first time around. We separated in September of 2005 and the divorce proceedings started shortly afterward.

Now…3 FUCKING YEARS LATER…I still can’t seem to get the freakin troll off my back!

I love my two young boys (who live with their motherfucker) to death…but I want the legal issues to be finalized so that there is no more back and forth and we can all move on.
I fell in love with Mariah (Insane Mama) and her kids…I want to marry her, but I can’t until my divorce is finalized.
I want to be able to get along ok with mongoloid cunt…but she is a nasty, backstabbing piece of shit…and I have to say that I’ve had some pretty evil thoughts about her…and her well being…and continue to find myself smiling after each thought.

How can a divorce case last more than 3 years when there is no fight over money or property? Well…let me tell you:

She has ‘changed’ lawyers 4 times…each time the new one would be granted a continuance.
She has come to every court appearance with long lists of accusations, which the judge (by law) has to examine.
She makes a point to state at every opportunity that she will not agree to, but is willing to ‘discuss’ overnight visits down the road…knowing that that is what I want…so we have to go back to court and fight again.

On another note….but about as frustrating…I had this throat problem since last December, where I irritatingly clear my throat every 5 minutes or so…EVERY DAY!!! At first I thought that I was just a bit sick, then tried some random over the counter meds that by reading them I thought might work. Then I went to see my Dr. who told me that it must be an allergy….although the allergist and blood work up that I had done said that I am not allergic to anything. My doc put me on Zyrtec D and the shit stopped…after about 2 weeks…but in the meantime…I got a cold and now, although not clearing my throat…I can’t get rid of my hacking cough. Just another thing that I just can’t seem to have ‘closure’ with.

TALK ABOUT PEEING IN THE WIND!

Notes From The Planet EX

The following is a sampling of some of the recent emails that I’ve gotten from the EX.
I am convinced that she is COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL...what do you think?


Chris,

We already know how it will go based on past experience and I know what is best for my boys who I am with everyday. I am the one that has to deal with them not getting up for school and being cranky the next AM.
I was hoping you would finally work with me but if I have to go to court to have visitation amended, I will since you are being unreasonable and unwilling to make a small change that is in the boys best interest. I'm sure the judge will agree as usual. .

But I guess I shouldn't expect cooperation from people who let 11 year olds operate motor craft and don't call 911 when someone overdoses to protect them from CPS. I suppose its my obligation to report such issues and concerns too. Good thing I grabbed screen shots about the not calling 911 and fear of CPS before that was removed.

I owe my lawyer $20000 thanks to having to go to court with your unfit self, so I had to cut him loose. I can't afford his bills when I am raising the boys. But he will finish the work he was retained for and he referred me to another great but more affordable lawyer to take over from here.
-----

Hi -

I know we agreed to 930a - 530p this Sunday but is there any way you can come earlier just this Sunday? You can still bring them back @ 530p but my plans got moved around a bit so it would make a huge difference if you could help me out by picking them up as early as possible.

I know you're probably not inclined to help me, but perhaps we can finally put all the craziness aside and this could be a first step in trying to help each other instead of working against each other? My friend, Kim, who you met at Jack's school has such a good relationship with he ex-husband (and his new wife) despite some very similar issues they went through, and I'd like for us all to get in a similar place someday and just put the past aside. I think I finally see that you have the boys' best interests at heart and wouldn't do anything to hurt/damage them, and I'd just like to move forward. All this drama is exhausting.

Let me know what you think.
-----

I know you emailed Jim too.

And I'm sorry that it is sad for you, I really am, but these are people that are VERY ACTIVE -- as in almost daily -- in our lives. We go on vacations with Jim and his family, he's like an uncle to the boys and has become like my brother over the past few years. He has really been there for us. And you know already that Linda and I are very close.

I will leave it up to them but I just think its very hard. -- especially because these two men are so close to me.

I too am happy that we seem to be getting along better and I hope we can keep it that way, but Eric and Jim have been huge parts of my support system during the very bad times and I think that it will be very hard to maintain active friendships.

I really don't want you to think I'm being intentionally mean, territorial or anything. I also don't want to speak for them...I just wanted to relay that Jim and Eric and very important people in our lives and it will be very weird -- for all -- to try to reconstruct what you had with them before.
-----

Jaden's camp counselor just told me that he said something about going to the beach with you and the waves had carried him far off to the side and he couldn't see you (? Not sure exactly what he means) and he couldn't see you. Apparently she asked who was with him and he said no one, that the adults weren't in the water.

I haven't talked to Jaden yet, but the boys have just learned how to swim literally this summer and don't go to the beach often, so I would feel much more comfortable if you could stay close to them if possible. We also know someone whose 6 year old just died a couple of months ago (drowned in a pool and his parents were literally right there...and he could swim -- it was because of it that I pit the boys in a 10 day intensive swim class) so I'm extra sensitive about it.
-----

I know…he has been lying a lot about little things and it has been going on for some time. I address it with him and his therapist has been working on it. And, yes, he has a lot of anger and jealously about Mariah and her kids that he hasn’t told me about but that does come up with his therapist. She has been working with him on it. But, I really don’t think he would steal anything…maybe intentionally hide it.

I also recently started seeing someone pretty seriously who he’s not happy about either. He has been acting out more again and we think it’s about that, even though he hasn’t met him yet but he knows of him. I was actually supposed to go away with him this weekend but cancelled my trip because Jaden was so unhappy / acting out. His behavior has been a problem and we’re working hard on it. I think it really is just a product of everything that has gone on…Jack was so young but Jaden had to deal with a lot.

Anyway, we’re working on it and I will let you know if I can find out anything about the iPod.
-----

I’m still so pissed off about this. Jaden says he didn’t touch it and I believe him. YOU, as his FATHER, should believe him. He admitted to scribbling on Megan’s book. He told me about it too. He is angry and he is a CHILD. He acts out. The fact that you are accusing him of doing something to someone in your new family without being sensitive to the child that put up with so much trauma because of YOU and because of MARIAH and that you are sticking up for those kids and throwing yours under a bus is so sad.

I have been trying to take the high road lately and brush all the crap that has gone on, the crap that I read about that makes me want to keep my boys far away from you and Mariah, the crap that others tell me, the fact that you don’t support your own children and all you get $10,000 checks for doing nothing from Mariah’s family while I work my tail off to support the kids you also brought into this world… I have been trying to forget all that just to civil for the sake of Jaden and Jack.

But this really pushed me over the edge. That, combined with Mariah’s evil comments about MY CHILDREN.
-----

Things were going well
...and then you and Mariah decided to accuse Jaden of something he didn’t do. And now posting half-truths about me on her blog. Why did I send you the emails I did? Because I am defending MY AMAZING SON that you and she judged.

Everything was FINE until you guys accused Jaden of stealing and then MARIAH posted about Jaden on Twitter. Even if it’s gone now, I saw it and grabbed a screenshot and it was WRONG.YOU and MARIAH are the ones that decided to get nasty – not with me, but with MY SON.

This isn’t about me – I don’t care WHAT you think about me. And, all of the friends you miss so much want nothing to do with you – they are still my friends…even “RM, the actor” – he didn’t get famous and fall out of the circle, he was also disgusted by you.

The reason I am mad is because you turned on your OWN SON and Mariah, who has NO RIGHT TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT JADEN decided to get nasty about him.

And boy, was that a mistake because I am about to use every freaking bit of ammunition I have been holding back in court again. I will NOT have my boys around people like her who don’t treat them the way they should be treated. If my boyfriend treated the boys badly or said evil things about them, you wouldn’t be happy either. Of course, I would never be with someone like that.
-----

In the morning.

I would have Mariah quit bad mouthing me on Twitter and talking about something she doesn’t know about. Isn’t it bad enough that your son hates you? Bad mouthing their mother isn’t going to help.
-----

We have a conflict on 9/21 so unfortunately you will have to miss the visit that day.

Also - we will need to go back to court to discuss visitation in light of some serious issues that have been brought up - including that Jaden was injured at your home on his last visit because you allowed him and Jack to jump out of a window multiple times, my concerns about your drinking as well as the stability of the others in your household and their influence on Jaden and Jack.

You will receive notice of the court date via mail.
-----

MY LAST EMAIL TO HER SAID THAT I DO NOT WANT HER TO EMAIL ME ANYMORE.

I can not deal with her BS anymore!

I wish I were a Jason Bourne-like sniper

As my first ‘Private’ post, I thought it proper of me to offer up some sort of explanation as to my desire to pee a bit more stealthily.

WARNING: This post WILL contain VULGAR language and TRAMATIC imagery.

As many of you know, I took my blog ‘private’ because my (soon to be) ex wife and her friends have been reading it…and using much of what I write against me.

I will give you all a bit of background and will do my best to get you up to date on where things stand as of today.

About 4 years ago, I realized that the woman that I fell in love with 18 years ago…was not the same woman that I married…actually, she was not a woman at all (not the way some of you sick, twisted fuckers are thinking) she was actually a psychotic, self-centered, fake-as-shit, fat, ugly, deceitful, non-sexual, nasty, egotistical, loud-mouth, fucking bitch of a person…but she IS…my baby’s mama. Even to this day...every time see or talk to her...it takes every inch of my will power not to vomit or poke her eyes out, knock her down and piss all over her.

It was September of 2005 when I finally had had enough of her and all of the shit that she dished out to me. Leaving was a very hard decision. I had two small boys, 4 and 1 1/2 , I knew though, that staying would be misery for us all.

The divorce proceedings began in December of 2005 and are STILL looming over my head. I am here, lingering in some divorce court limbo with that demon I was married to jabbing me in the face with her pitchfork at every opportunity.

Now, I understand her being upset with me…and I understand her general dislike for Insane Mama, but her tactics are so out of control that …. Well, let’s just say that I’ve had dreams that include; blood, severed body parts, ripped out intestines, wild animal attacks…well…I guess you know what I am getting at.

I will just name a few of the things that CUNT has done in her attempts to attack both Insane Mama and myself:
1. Refused to let me see or talk to my boys for almost a year
2. Insisted, in court, that a professional monitor must accompany me on all visits with the boys
3. Accused me of being an uncontrollable drug addict
4. Filed (and received) a restraining order against Insane Mama (provided fraudulent documents in court)
5. Changed lawyers every 6 months (for 3 years now) to slow the whole court process down
6. Schedules family trips and doctor appointments on my visitation days and does not offer opportunity for me to make up the visits
6.When I call the boys (every night) she puts the phone on speaker and monitors every word
7. Tells the boys to say things to me on the phone when we talk (i.e. “mommy wanted me to tell you about my play again…she said that maybe your were drunk or something and forgot.”
8. Is accusing me in court of neglect because my 7 year old got a scratch on his knee
9. Spends her free time trolling my and Insane Mama’s blogs for content that she thinks she can use in court against me
10. Published a whole blog to trash me and disparage my blog and my name
11. Continually threatens to call CPS on Insane Mama

12. Emails me stating how fucked up Insane Mama and her kids are...that they are nasty, white trash, uneducated losers.

Well…the list goes on…but I will spare you the additional 1,000 words.

Please catch up with: the backstory...an the backstory 2

Now...Everyone sing with me

(in the tune of the old Oscar Meyer commercials)

"Oh, I wish I were a Jason Bourne-like sniper...I'd be rid of nasty bitch, and finally free.

There's nothing she could do to make me like her...All I want to do is vomit and pee!"

As this story has...a lot of…substance…I will have to say that this post is…
TO BE CONTINUED…

BIRTHDAY PARTIES and GUY FRIENDS

So, on Saturday, I was invited to go to my oldest son’s 7th birthday party (hosted by my ex wife.) The party was at UltraZone – a laser tag place with an arcade that was filled with about 50 very determined and pushy kids (not mine…or the kids in his party)…it was the other kids there that felt it necessary to step on my toes and push there way past me to get to that video game that apparently won’t be there if they don’t get to in 2 seconds.

Anyway, It was great to be at the party with my son. He seemed to really be happy that I was there. ( I will post about my sons and the party at another time) As I did not know many of the other adults there as they were my ex wife’s friends and the parents of my son’s friends…but there were a few people there that I had not seen or talked to since my ex and I split up. For me, it was great to see two of them; Jim and Eric. Now Jim, I had known since 1992 when we both lived in Boston. Then after we both lived out here in Southern California, we worked together, lived together and started a business together. Jim was the best man in my wedding and was both a fishing partner and a trusted friend. As for Eric, I became friends with him in 1995 when he married a friend of my ex wife. He was also from the East Coast and a big sports fan. I really liked to hang out with him.

Now that I feel that I have thoroughly gotten off track, I’ll get back to my point.

It was really great to see these guys. I had missed their friendships over the past 3 years and have recently been rather sad about my lack of guy friends. There is one other guy that was, along with Jim, one of my best friends since moving to CA…RM. We were pretty tight and he also lived with me when he and his fiancé broke up. We would sit up nights, talking about EVERYTHING. RM knew me inside and out and I felt a very special bond with him. It was he, Jim and I that were …like brothers – for about 6 years. We fished, golfed, and talked about life and all the other shit that guys talk about. RM began his acting career and started getting big roles and sort of drifted into a new crowd. It was sad, but I guess I can understand that.

At the party Jim, Eric and I were only able to talk a little, being that we were all there to focus on my son along with keeping an eye on the other 20 kids in his birthday party. When I got home, after the party, I told Insane Mama about Jim and Eric and that I hoped that I’d be able to re-form friendships with them.

I have sent emails to both Jim and Eric and I hope that I get some sort of response. I know that after my ex and I split up, they all remained friends and I actually don’t know what was said to them or what they think of me at this point…I feel a sort of stupid anxiety….kind of like after the first day at a new school. Wondering if any of the new people you met would like you and talk to you the next day.

I know that this post is kind of random and not put together well, but I just had to get this stuff out of my head.

PHEW…….I feel better now

The Battle

I wrote this while at the hospital (with Insane Mama). I was exploring the transition from where I was to where I was headed.



Internal battles within the war
Climbing from the trenches
Fighting uphill
Dazed and confused
The landmines of life

Shrapnel hits from the ones I love
I fear the fight and want to lie down
Sink into a fox-hole
Watching life go by
The danger above rivals the pain inside

Can’t climb out
Too weak
Sitting too long
Paralyzed
Tree roots and vines snap from my weight

Helpless and hopeless
Starting to give up
A rope swings down
Reaching feverishly
Hope is in sight

Is there enough strength to climb out again?
Gripping for life
I need to be pulled up
I hold on for life
The life I know I can have

Insanely Peeing In The Wind - Part 4

The day I left was complete and utter misery. We were both crying. I continued my lame attempts at negotiation with the doctors to keep me just one more week. They told me that there was no way that I could stay because of insurance issues.

Now, all in all, I felt mentally pretty good. I had my head on straight, was making progress on dealing with many of the things that had landed me there and I had identified the things in my life that needed to change. On the other hand, the one person that I felt closest to and who had been one of the biggest reasons for me getting to that mental state would soon be far too distant for me to swallow.

That morning I had breakfast with her and we exchanged numbers and emails…along with our fears and thoughts. It was one of the hardest mornings I’d had. After breakfast, I had to go to a session with my therapist who wanted to go over all of the discharge things and what my plans were when I went home. My mind was preoccupied with other things at that point and all I could muster to say was, “I don’t want to go home with her.” That was it. The therapist continued to talk as my soul floated away. After my session, I went looking for Insane Mama. I could not find her anywhere. I started to freak out. There were so many more things that I wanted to talk with her about. We needed to make plans for “us” on the outside and spend as much time together as possible before I had to go. I’m sure that I seemed like I was jonesing for drugs, just plain looney or like a psychopathic stalker…the way I was running around, basically yelling at people to tell me where she was. I was a complete lunatic.

I had about given up and was sitting on a bench with my head in my hands. Then I saw her walking down the path towards me. I felt like a child that has just been give a free trip to the moon. My face ignited and I leaped up from the bench and ran to her (kind of like one of those stupid beach commercials about Viagra or something). Our embrace was overwhelming. It was like we just melted into one another. We spent the next 30 minutes together, during which time she told me that she was hiding out because she knew how hard this goodbye would be. We held each other, cried and made out plans for down the road.

It was then that we heard over the loud speaker that I was to report to my room to collect my things and then report to admitting. We stood up, still holding hands, then we hugged and kissed for what we feared would be the last time. I felt every inch of her seeping into me. I knew that If I could keep this feeling and vision inside me…I could make it through anything until we were together again.

Our hands slipped apart as I started down the path to my room. I did the best I could to hide the tears and feelings of dread while on the drive home with my wife. The hard part was enduring the hour ride home hearing her complain about the cost and how much of a waste of time and money it was.

Insanely Peeing In The Wind - Part 3

Now, remember, at this point I was…well shit, still am... married. I did not really want to do anything out of spite, revenge or anything to worsen an already bad situation. BUT… there was no getting around this one. I knew that the feelings that I had, the lust in our eyes and our rendezvous were in several ways, the wrong thing to do…but on the other hand, hiding and subduing my feelings was something that I was at the hospital trying to overcome..

I tried several time…not to like her, but every time I saw her, spoke with her, touched her, and even looked at her…I completely melted inside. I could see in her eyes, her intense honesty, genuine care for me but I also saw that she felt bad, in a way, about what was happening. I knew that she did not want to be any part of my marriage not working out, she told me so. I am sure that this was very hard for her as I knew how she felt, yet she told me several times that we should stop and step away from one another. I knew that I had to be sure about the future of my marriage… as I also did not want a salvageable marriage to be destroyed by …. An intense, lustful relationship centered within the walls of a “loony bin.”

Insane Mama and I spent the next 4 or five days almost solely talking about our marriages, past relationships, what we want in a partner and what we felt that we was missing in our lives. I NEVER thought that I could/would have these conversations with any woman (besides a professional.) I think that goes back to my past, “sub-adult,” relationships with girls where I was the cool guy and they were the pretty girl (that’s all it was.) Also, my wife was not one to listen to feelings or one that would accept that there are importannt things in life that men need …that some women don’t understand. Over the years, I learned to just keep it all inside.

Crap…where am I going with this? Oh yeah…I finally had someone that actually listened, understood, cared, did not judge and could relate to so much of my life. I honestly thought, at points, that she was an angel (well maybe not an angel, but rather a…force(?), an incarnation of GOOD.) No matter what we said to one another or what we did together, the common feeling was honest and genuine caring. I had been able to talk with guy friends in the past and talk with my mother (a psychotherapist) and siblings to an extent, but nothing like this. I could not shock her with my insane past. I could not make her run with my… “issues.” And thankfully, I could not scare her off with bold lustfulness towards her.

As we sat in trauma group sessions, talking about horrific times in our lives, I saddened, to my innermost core (tears flooding the inside of my body) listening to her talk of the ways in which she had been cheated out of aspects of happiness in her life that I knew she deserved. In some of the other group sessions, there was some note passing, winks, smile and attempts at fantasy mind reading. Meals, we always sat together…and if one of us was not there…the other would prepare a plate for them to put aside. Breaks and free time …we were inseparable…except when I had phone calls from my wife. She would give me my space to handle family issues. But as soon as I hung up, she was there to see if there was anything she could do for me…or just to offer an ear. (I know that she heard me yelling, screaming and crying on the phone.)

I think that what “sealed the deal” between her and I was my mastery of a few certain things, that she witnessed (and I am sure could not get out of her mind:) playing cards (poker and spades,) farting and burping on command (with complete tone control,) and especially my unmatched skills on the wiffel ball diamond.

As each of us was to be there for 30 days, and I got there a week before her, I knew that I would be leaving before she did. This thought terrified me. I did not want to leave her. I didn’t know if we would ever see each other again after this place. I was sick to my stomach with these thoughts…I actually tried to convince the doctors that I was not ready to leave…so that I could stay with her. My last week there was filled with nightmares. I did not know that to do. I also remember telling her to just come with me…for her to check herself out with me and that we would just run off together.

As we approached my last days, our time was filled with tears, hugs, prayers and letters to one another, so that we could always have each others thoughts and feelings close. The day I left…

To be continued…

Divorce Court - Part 3 Of A Gazillion

As I explained everything to IM, we headed up to the courtroom. As we entered the courtroom, we saw IBM and her lawyer up in the front row whispering to one another. My stomach knotted up and head started to spin, thinking of all of the things that I wanted to say/do.

I walked up to the clerk to check in while IM found us some seats a few rows behind IBM and her trusty attorney. I then joined IM and took a sip of water, since my mouth had suddenly been stripped of every drop of fluid. While listening to the first few cases, I rummaged through my files, pulling out what I thought I might need.

All of the sudden, I got a poke in the ribs from IM who, pointing at IBM, said , “look.” I peered past the heads of a few people fidgeting in their seats awaiting their turns to be in the “hot seat” and saw what IM was referring to…a printout of my blog. I almost burst into laughter as I knew she would try to use it against me. She (IBM) whispered a few things to her attorney while smugly smiling and chuckling under her breath. Then…up it came…a print out of IM’s blog. We looked at one another and just smiled. I was smiling and thinking that IBM was just digging and trying to use anything she could to hurt me and my chances of seeing my boys….but at the same time my brain was franticly trying to think of anything that I may have said that COULD be used against me. (yeah, I have some mal feelings about her and have stated that in my blog. Yeah I do think that she is just being malicious and vengeful, but I don’t recall EVER making any accusations about her or attacking her in any way. In my head, at least, my blog was just a digital, out there for people to read, diary.

Anyway, as we waited, I wrote down all of the things that I wanted to make sure got addressed;

Finalize divorce (order for final judgment)

Inform the judge that IBM has not adhered to the same order that she is saying that I did not adhere to

Reinstate my visitation request

Offer the court my reasoning for not going to the drug test

As I was listening to the judge, making rulings and discussing cases with the people ahead of us, I noticed that he did not seem to be in any mood for any crap that day. I hesitantly pushed everything out of my head and thought it best just to go up there with nothing prepared and just answer his questions the best way that I could. (MISTAKE)

Finally, we were called. IM squeezed my arm and wished me luck. I made my way to the front table throwing up, crying and wetting myself all at the same time (on the inside.) After being sworn in, I realized that I had no clue what the best way for me to explain my side of things was. I suppose that is one of the major obstacles in a divorce when the other side has a Nasty-Ass attorney and you have none. I could tell that things were about to go wrong when I had the out-of-body experience where I floated up and over to the judge’s chair and looked at me sitting at the table with the look of a retarded, uneducated, vagabond who had no business speaking to a judge, let alone representing himself in a bitter divorce. As I floated back into myself, and wiped the vomit from my lower lip, I tried to shake off the feeling that I was beaten before things even got started.

After reading the OSC request, the judge asked IBM and her attorney for confirmation and reasoning for their request for supervised visitation. Among the things that her attorney rambled on about, the one thing that caught the judge’s attention was that I failed to show up for a drug test. The look in the judge’s eyes told me that he was not pleased. I decided to not try to make excuses for it and reiterate to him that “I DID miss it but that I did appeal to IBM and her sidekick right after we all got back from our Christmas vacations, that I would be happy to go in for the hair follicle testing” (it goes back 3 months – I had not and have not been doing anything that I needed to hide.) They refused saying that I violated the order and that we’d have to go back to court.

As IBM’s attorney was throwing out accusations, legal jargon and snide remarks, my brain …got a flat. At that point, all that I could do was to sit there and take the beating. I felt like a piñata being pounded on by a horde of teenaged boys.

…More to come…

Divorce Court - Part 2 Of A Gazillion

We got right into the courthouse and made our way to the mediation office. We were there before IB. Ha ha ha. I filled out my paperwork and walked Mama out to the courtyard to sip some coffee and wait for the mediation part to be over. As I walked back inside the courthouse and started up the hall to mediation to wait to be called, I spotted IB. Flashes and spinning took over. It was like the fourth of July inside my head. Not for the reasons you may think though. It was mostly…”Damn she is NASTY. Is THAT who I married? That tight, ugly dress makes her look even worse.” Anyway… I was almost not almost…I was embarrassed to let strangers (let alone IM) know that I was married to …whatever that is. I instantly sat down and texted IM “My God! She’s like a satanic Rhino. Big nasty pig!”

I then was called into the mediation office for my meeting. The mediator had me sit down and then proceeded with the “interview.” It went something like this:

Mediator: So when is your court date? (as if it was not written on the forms I jus handed to her)
Me: This morning
Mediator: Why did you want to meet separately from the petitioner? It can go a lot quicker if you are in here together.
Me: We tried that last year and it was a mess.
Mediator: Ok, what would you like to accomplish today in mediation?
Me: Well…I just want to have “fair visitation” with my two boys.
Mediator: What does that mean to you?
Me: What I would like is 1st 3rd and 5th weekends as well as splitting school holidays and breaks.
Mediator: Do you know what SHE is asking for?
Me: Yes, her lawyer sent me a threatening letter, just the other day, along with their request. I’ll show it to you

Excerpt from said letter –
In an effort to expedite resolution of this issue, we have prepared the enclosed
Stipulation re: Modification of Child Custody and for Monitored Visitation; [Proposed] Order. We are hopeful that you will agree that this is in the best interests of all parties, especially your sons. If the stipulation is acceptable, please sign and date where your name is indicated and return the signature page to us immediately.

As you know, the hearing on Ms.XXXX's OSC is set for Tuesday, June 10, 2008. In order to avoid having to appear at that hearing, we must receive the signed Stipulation no later than noon on Monday, June 9, 2008.

We want you to be aware of the fact that if the hearing proceeds on June 10, 2008, we are compelled to inform the Court that you are in violation of your probation. (I will explain in another post some time.)

Mediator: Well….that’s just lawyers
Me: Are you kidding me? Isn’t that bribery or considered a threat?
Mediator: Well…I don’t know.
Me: Well, that is the way I see it.
Mediator: Why is she asking for supervised visitation?
Me: Because I failed to show up for a drug test (now if I did drugs…maybe it would have been worth it…but I don’t…maybe I should …whatever.
Mediator: Well that is pretty serious and it was against the court order.
Me: Well I was told by the courts that what transpired in court last June was not legal until her (punk-ass) attorney filed the Final Judgment, which he never did. Then I was told later on by an office at the court house that the judge granted the divorce, but that there were no orders on file.
Mediator: Well, if the judge ordered it…it’s an order. And the drug test thing is a serious violation.
Me: Maybe if I were doing drugs it would be, but it seems like you are treating me as guilty of drug use.. and you don’t even know me.
Mediator: Failure to go is like a positive result.
Me: ….OK, well I think we are done here. (and I stood up and waited for her to escort me out.)

I went back outside to find Mama and found her “loitering” in front of the women’s bathroom. I did not even ask.

We walked outside while I explained to her what had just gone on.

More to come.......

Divorce Court - Part 1 Of A Gazillion

I jumped out of bed at 6AM to the miserable sound of our alarm clock. Basically still asleep I reached over and “barfed” (story for another time) Insane Mama, telling her to get her sleepy ass in the shower. We both knew that this was going to be a stressful day. Obviously, the stress was teetering at the edge of unbearable due to the fact that I almost blew chunks all over the bedroom four times before even getting into the shower.

Now, for the purposes of this post I will refer to my ex as Insane Babies' Mama (or IBM). IBM and I had an appointment with the court’s mediation counselor at 7:45AM (just prior to the court appearance.) I knew that the mediation was going to be a joke, as we had tried it once before….and …did not see eye to eye.

Leaving the house before any of the kids were even awake was …kind of eerie, no yelling, fighting, clanking of breakfast bowls or shower towels strewn about. As we made our way down the street to our local coffee shop, we basically said nothing to one another. Just a few glances followed by gutturals barfy sounds. I think we were both nervous and anxious to get this all over with.

We picked up our coffee and headed to the highway. After getting on the highway, I noticed that we were in the red and about out of gas. I turned to Insane Mama and said”… we….should …make it down there. On the inside, kind of hoping that we’d run out of gas and not have to go. As my head was spinning, about all of the things that I wanted and needed to bring up in court, I felt as though I could not even see the road…I definitely should not be driving. But then…letting miss slow driving ass Insane Mama take over, we’d be late as hell. I continued to drive. Now any of you who are familiar with Los Angeles traffic will know that not only does it SUCK, but people seem to want to stop and cause traffic jams for not reason at all (again…story for another time). Every time I had to hit the breaks and slow to 10 MPH, my heart would begin sink and I’d get that twisty, knotted feeling in my stomach. All in all, every time the traffic slowed I felt like I would poo, toot and throw up all at once.

Anyway, we made it down to the courthouse parking lot at 7:40. I was freaking out that there would be a line to get in (happens a lot). Picking up the pace and walking like a “power walker on steroids” with Insane Mama trailing behind me throwing me those looks that state, quite clearly….”we will get there in time, relax, don’t be a lunatic, you spaz.” But I know that she did not say anything because she knew how stressed I was. Thanks Mama!

More to come!

Divorce Court Update

I know that I promised you all an update on how things went in court today.

I will post the full, unedited, recount of todays journey to the courthouse tomorrow morning.

Please stop by tomorrow for an earful eyeful of my rantings about ....that lady and her smug ass lawyer.

stupid, nasty, pig-headed, psycho, (cont.)

Well….here is the latest update ….and it looks as though I have been PEEING IN THE WIND once again.

OK, so I call my kids in the evenings just about every day to see how they are and talk about their days, etc. Now I know that when I call, the phone (on their end) is put on speaker – so that Boss Lady can listen to everything that is said. I think that I have done a pretty good job ignoring that fact. Tonight though, the conversation went something like this:

(parts that are relevant)

Son 1 – Hi daddy
Me – Hi buddy
(whispering on the other end)
Son 1 – guess what daddy?
Me – What buddy?
(whispering on the other end)
Son 1 – My school performance is in 2 days…mommy said I should remind you.
Me – I know. It is on Friday at 1PM …right?
Son 1 – Yeah, mommy said that you might have forgotten
Me – No way. I will be there.
(whispering on the other end)
Son 1 – OK..and don’t throw up.
Me – What?
Son 1 – Mommy said that you might throw up.
Me – Why would I throw up?
(whispering on the other end)
Son 1 – I don’t know…mommy just said that you might
Me – I promise I won’t throw up.
Son 1 – OK
(whispering on the other end)
Son 1 – and you have to be nice to mommy
Me – Huh? I am nice to mommy. I was not mean to her.
(whispering on the other end)
Son 1 – Mommy said that I should tell you again not to throw up if you see her.

It clicked. Someone has been reading.

Me – I won’t buddy.
(whispering on the other end)
Son 1 – The performance is only going to be about 15 or 20 minutes
Me – That’s ok…I will be there.
(whispering on the other end)
Son 1 – well it is going to be really short
Me – Well I want to see you and the performance
Son 1 – OK daddy, I’m done talking. I love you.
Me – I love you too. Bye buddy

So….in addition to everything. The 4 and 7 year old boys are now relaying her inappropriate messages to me when I call at night. I would think that any parent would try to keep young kids out of this sort of thing. But….I’m sure that it will be turned around on me anyway.

stupid, nasty, pig-headed, psycho, vindictive, delusional, idiotic, pompous...

So, have any of you ever met someone that is so vile that every time you see them, talk to them or even think about them…you get weak, sweaty and have uncontrollable dry heaves? Some of you, I’m sure, know the feeling.
Now imagine that no matter what you do or say…that person continues to haunt you. Like having Freddy Kruger creeping into your head…day and night.
Well……you guessed it…we now have the pleasure of exploring my … (oops….sorry…just blew chunks) ex-wife (well actually not even ex yet.)

My god this is a long, exhausting and terrifying tale of frightening proportions.

I will talk more about the back story later (or upon request) but the basics of the story now are that she, stupid, nasty, pig-headed, psycho, vindictive, delusional, idiotic, pompous, BigFoot, bitch has not allowed me to see my two young boys for 7 months and we are now headed back into court next week. I fear that I will just vomit all over her right there in the courtroom. This divorce was originally filed 3 years ago and …. Is now that never-ending nightmare. If there were just one day where there were no laws :)