Annual Physical Update

So, this morning I woke up at about 7AM to birds squawking outside my bedroom window and the looming memory that I have a physical and can’t have any coffee. Pissed off I slam the window shut and yank the covers back up over my head. I did not want to get up until 15 minutes before seeing the doc.

Per the norm, our 10 year old honored us with a visit every 3 or 4 minutes…for one thing after the next…but 5th grade picture day is a special day….so…I reach under my pillow for the remote and on goes the news. (yes…I sleep with the remote under my pillow…don’t ask)

So there I was, laying there under the blankets, half tuning out both the child and the news, grumpy about not being able to have coffee and anxious about the doctor appointment. I guess my state was obvious because with only a few across the pillow glances, I felt Mariah’s hand moving up my thigh and coming to rest on my…package.

My guess is that the wonderful morning romp in the sheets was an attempt at elevating my mood (I am quite OK with that.) But what may have happened is that while breaking my foulness…she pumped up my blood pressure enough so that the doctor had questions for me.

Now on to my appointment. After filling out all of the stupid and redundant forms I was called in to start the exam. The first stop was height and weight…my weight was about 165ish…normal, but what the fuck is with my height? I made the nurse measure me 3 times…I am fucking shrinking!!!!! A year ago….and since I was like 18 I was 5’9” (borderline 5’10”) TODAY I AM 5 fucking foot 8”.

Ok, then I was shown into the exam room, told to undress, put on a gown and have a seat. After changing, the nurse came back in and took my temp and blood pressure (which was high’ish 138/89 - due to sex, nicotine, anxiety and no coffee.)

Then in comes the doc. Long hair, low cut v-neck top…my kind of doctor. Not good looking…but strides ahead of the fat, wrinkly old men that I’d been used to. Anyway, she proceeds to assault me with health related questions, lashing at me about smoking at every opportunity and then begins her exam.

First was checking the ears, eyes and throat with that little mini magnifying flashlight deal. She made no comments, so I felt safe. Then it was on to breathing. She whipped out her stethoscope and listened to my chest from the front and then the back while instructing me to breathe heavily (sounds kind of …adult – but it was far from that.). Then my heart, a few seconds to listen and she backed away from me.

At that point the gloves went on and she asked me to stand up. Flashes of my late night conversation with Mariah flooded my head. (I’ve been doing some recent ‘manscaping’ ….to the point of …well, I believe that I had about the same amount of hair down there when I was born. Tool and jewels…bare as a babies bottom! I told Mariah last night that I was nervous about that if the doc wanted to do a hernia test…but then I thought about it and had not had a hernia test in like 15 years. Mariah laughed for about 15 minutes, but I felt assured that our secret was safe.) Anyway, the doc grabbed the bottom of my gown and told me to hoist it up. And there it was…my clean shaven manhood dangling about a foot from her face. Luckily the doctor (who is also our kids’ doctor – freaking great) was pretty professional and only shot one inquisitive look up at me.

After coughing as instructed, while she tried to cram my balls up into my stomach, she asked me to turn around. I paused and fearfully looked at her as she squeezed about a third of a tube of KY onto her fingers. I looked at her with my best sad puppy dog eyes and said, “Really? I just had a prostate check last year.” She responded with “You are over 40….it comes with the physical now.” I indicated to her that it would be fine if she wanted to use MORE KY…to no avail. I turned around, leaned over, grabbed the sides of the table and WHAM! No warning, no gentle pat on the back…not even a brief reach around. She pulled out (shit that sounds weird) and told me that things were in order and I could get dressed before the nurse comes back to take blood.

HOW LUCKY AM I TODAY!?

I got dressed, waited for the nurse, quickly filled a few vials with my red man juice and was about to leave when Dr. KY came back and handed me a slip that I was to bring to another office….to get a chest x-ray, then she slipped out the door and out of sight.

Curious if she wanted the chest x-ray because she noticed something that she failed to tell me about or just as a routine part of the physical…I don’t know.

I left, went to get the x-ray and now am sitting home awaiting her call to discus the results of the blood tests and the chest x-ray. OH JOY!!!!!

Pee...for you and me!!!!!!

OK, I am not going to get into any detail about how this conversation got started…or why it lasted so long, but Mariah and I found ourselves talking about pee…and its existent or non-existent health benefits. Although most of you think I am all about the pee…I think it is pretty gross and would only use it in the case of a jelly fish sting.

Anyway, she was telling me that people swear by first morning pee…that they use it to wash their faces, drink it, etc. Just plain foul!!!

I decided to do a bit of research. Here is what I have found.

Urine consists mostly of watern with small amount of urea (a substance that can be harmful if it enters the blood stream) and excreted enzymes, minerals and hormones--which many believe can be beneficial to the body. Urine therapy involves using one's own urine to address a number of illnesses and conditions. In addition to helping maintain general health, urine therapy has been shown to be a beneficial part of skin care.

For best results, allow the urine to dry on your skin as you massage it in….

For larger problem areas or areas that are sore or sensitive to the touch like large acne outbreaks, eczema patches or large scars or blemishes, apply a compress. With a large urine sample, soak a small washcloth or rag in the urine, then lay the rag on the area. Leave it there for up to ten minutes…

…put urine in a clean spray bottle and spray it onto your skin, then let it dry there like a body mist…..

The middle stream of fresh, warm, morning urine is the most potent, and drinking it mixed with freshly squeezed orange juice is probably the fastest way to accomplish this task, although it is best not to mix urine with other foods or drinks or to take it within an hour before or after eating.

Oral drops of fresh urine can be placed directly under the tongue. Urine therapists suggest their patients start with 5 drops of fresh morning urine on the first day, increase to 5 or 10 drops on the second day, and take 10 drops on the morning of the third day and the same amount that evening before going to bed.
Self-urine may be used as eye drops and ear drops, in foot baths and even as effective enemas. Nose drops can help loosen mucus and clear up blocked nasal passages. Gargling with it is helpful for a sore throat, and inhaling it relieves sinus and respiratory congestion. Taken internally, it has a laxative and diuretic effect, as it cleanses the digestive tract.

it also works as an excellent cosmetic for moisturizing and healing skin blemishes, burns and scar tissue. However, for this usage, it is preferable to use urine that is 4 - 8 days old.

Anyway, this is quite disturbing to me. Who the F is gonna sit there, groggily piss into a cup and then rub it on their face, followed by a nice big swig…to get their morning going?!

Absolute shit I say.

Oh, but did you know that eating a pound of carrots can make you see in the dark? And if you masturbate you palms will grow hair? (not sure what happens to women.)

Please be honest and let me know if I am missing the pee boat…cuz you know…pee is what I do.

Do any of you do this? Know anyone who does? Believe in it?