Saturday, August 2, 2008

I'm Just Sayin !!!!!!!


Focus! Pay attention! This is one of the most important posts that I will be serving up all weekend.

Now, knowing many of you…as well as I do, I know that prestige, fashion and trendsetting are among the most important things in your life. Well besides sex, family and …of course the internet.

Well…enough of that. What I am here to let you know is that I am about to clue you in on one of the Internets best kept secrets…a place where each and every one of you can ...not only be your community’s “Trend-Setting Hero” but also seen as a sexy, fashion guru.

Are you all ready?

Wait a minute…If I tell you about this and you do not act on it…I may have to track you down and ….pee on you.

Oh…you also have to promise to tell all of your friends and family about this…hidden gem.

Now you all can pee in the wind with me and show everyone that you are proud to be a Tent Camper. Whether you go with the trendy, hot, sexy panties or the uber cool T-shirts and bumper stickers, this store has it all.

Now for the special treat…. If you would like a T-shirt or bumper sticker that says something else….I DO take requests! I’d be happy to create custom products for any of you.

e.g. Sex Is Best With A – Tent Camper
Tent Camper Loves Me
Peeing In The Wind Makes Me Happy

So please…go check out the store and after your initial purchase…I’d love to hear your feedback.

Thank you all for your patronage!!!!

A Dump In The Ocean

Our little trip to the beach today was….very uneventful, in the way of Public Displays of Affection. We were only there for about 2 and a half hours, Insane Mama was ….Pre-MOON, everyone seemed a bit out of sorts (boogie boards, then swimming, then laying out, back to boards to collecting rock, looking for crabs…)

I was trying to sink my head into the new book that I’ve started when all of the sudden, strange, little, 9 year old Christie speeds past us. As we all sit up to see what in the hell she was doing, we (along with everybody at the beach) saw her tiny little figure running, at top speed, down the beach towards the water, WITH BOTH OF HER HANDS DOWN THE BACK OF HER BATHING SUIT! She jumped into the water and went out about 15 yards, squatted, wiggled around for about 30 seconds and then pranced back up the beach to where our blanket was. As she approached, I looked at Insane Mama, who’s mouth was gaping open and who had a very perplexed look on her face. We shrugged at one another. Then I shouted to Christie, “What the heck was that all about?” Christie looked at me, smiling and with her big eyes gleaming she said, “I had a bunch of sand in my tooshie…I had to in the water to take a quick dump.”

Insane Mama and I burst into laughter…and extreme disbelief …and were finally able to get out, “What did you say? What did you do in the water?”

Christie repeated (more slowly this time) in an irritated fashion (cuz obviously we do not listen to her,) “I, had, sand, in, my, butt, and, had, to, jump, in, for, a, dump.”

Again we rolled in laughter…or at least I did. Insane Mama looked concerned and then asked Christie if she meant “dip.”

Christie looked at her questioningly then smiled and said, “oh…..yeah a quick dip.”

We all laughed together and …well…at that point, I had enough of the …questionable, water…so we packed it in for the day.

I will tell you that amidst the PMS, grumpy 11 year olds and super hot sun….Christie’s little English language mix-up…made my day an amusing one!

Friday, August 1, 2008

What The Fuck!!!!!!!!

Now, I thought that I came up with a pretty good name for my blog. I mean, with MY life… I seem to, quite often, pee into the wind, and have little warm, yellow, droplets of human waste come flying back at me, covering me with proof that I am not the perfect guy that I sometimes feel that I am. After doing a quick scan of my stats on Google Analytics, I am now scared that I could have done it once again. I can be fairly sure that my name is rising on the government watch lists. The last thing I need in my life at this point is to go to federal prison for child porn. Not that I have anything to do with it….but….when you take a look at the Google search terms that landed people on my blog, over the past week, it may seem that I’ve got something completely WRONG going on. For your viewing pleasure, and so that I have some witnesses that can back me up if I get picked up, I have pasted the terms below.

12 years old peeing, 13 years old peeing, 9 to 12 years old peeing, Candid tinkle, How to, pee in a one piece, Jerk me off mom, Jerked off by mom, Little boys having a pee, Little sister peeing in my mouth, Nasty peeing, Nasty pig sex in my tent, Peeing at beach on people, Peeing boobs, Peeing child movie list, Peeing girls naked eleven, Peeing on bus seats, People don’t have feathers, Woman tree peeing, Sexy mama pee

Now…first of all…when the hell did I ever post something having to do with people having feathers? Secondly, seeing what kind of people are landing on my page…I could be picked up …by association…that would really suck…cuz if I got thrown into a holding cell with any of those freaks…I know I’d then be charged with homicide.

I’ve now been thinking that changing my blog’s name to something a bit less “RED FLAG-Y”. Now, trying to stay within the same scope…or along the same lines, I had a few thoughts for my name change…Let me know what you think.

I make some choices that are not so good
Things in life can come right back and get you
The good, the bad and the ….oh ….shit…who knows what’s coming next
Sometimes what you choose, may not be the best thing
Don’t make decisions until you are inside and sitting down

Well the list goes on, but I just don’t think they are as good as the one that I have.

My last comment on this is that I now feel strongly that with the technological powers that Google has, that they should be gathering IP and other information from people doing searches like the above (and worse) and supplying the authorities with all information possible. Even if it does not catch these freaks, it may slow them down, make them think twice or at the very least…keep them away from my prude, family oriented, online journal.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

World's Best Martini Party

Attention Everyone!!!!

This post serves as the official announcement and invitation to the year’s most spectacular Martini Party!

This prestigious event will be star studded; martinis will be shaken by Tom Cruise and Jessica Alba, the MC for the night will be none other than Hugh Heffner and the party will be located on the set of one of Wicked Pictures’ newest “adult” films.

All drinks will be courtesy of Molly and as for food….I am sure that there will be plenty of MEAT there for everyone!

While enjoying the martinis, all guests will enjoy watching all of the on camera and behind the scenes antics of the adult film industry. Autographs, photos and the after-filming party will continue at the infamous Playboy Mansion in Beverly Hills.

Some of the celebrities that have already been confirmed include; Brittney Spears, K-Fed, Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinski, Matt Damon, Angelina Jolie, along with the cast and crews of the new hit TV show Swingers and the blockbuster film Boogie Nights, just to name a few.

Into The Depths Of Hell

So the other day, Insane Mama, 11 year old Megan, 9 year old Christie, some kids from our day camp and I decided to head out to Malibu for a leisurely hike.

We got out to the state park around 11:30AM. The parking lot was full of trucks and movie trailers. I was worried that after getting all the way there that it would be closed off for some dumb movie being filmed. Luckily, it was open and we watched as both general visitors and crew members from the set were walking into the park.

After parking and gathering the “boat-load” of “things” everyone thought we’d need…we headed down the trail. None of us had been there for quite some time…so it was a bit unfamiliar to us all. I was holding a bunch of stuff but I did not mind cuz from what I remembered…It would not be far until we got to a really cool grotto with trees, a waterfall and a swimming hole.

It was about 95 degrees and I was tiring quickly. As we rounded a corner of the trail, we caught a glimpse of a small airplane in the bushes. Nearing it, we realized that it was a prop for the filming and was a staged plane crash. I stopped and asked the security guard what they were filming (hoping for 24, Prison Break, LOST…or something cool like that.) He told us that it was for the show NUMBERS. We watch that show and thought that it could be cool to see a little behind the scenes…action.

As we moved on (with the 40 year old slug) …oh…I mean me, losing uumph, we had to stop to re-distribute all of the “stuff” that we, so badly, needed to bring. Looking around, we saw no picnic areas, no streams, no waterfalls and no swimming holes. Everything was DRY! The trail stretched out in front of us, for what seemed to be 100 miles. After the next corner, we saw a small visitor’s center with picnic tables out front. The VC was closed, but we decided to stop for lunch there. Cold drinks, sandwiches, etc…you know…re-fueling. Right then my phone rang. It was 16 year old Amanda…calling from the beach. “Did you feel the earthquake?!?” I had not clue. She filled me in on the 5.4 quake that had just happened. Either the walking or my already shaking bones made me unable to feel the quake. The center of the quake was about 30 miles away. Freaked out by the size of the quake…could be a precursor for something much bigger…we decided to get a move on…at least get in a quick swim before the end of the world.

As we were finishing up, a truck with a ranger came by. I asked if there was a cool place for us to sit, eat and play in the water. He pointed down a trail and said that it was another 5 minutes or so. We happily and enthusiastically packed up our stuff and did a bee line to the trail. Around the first turn, we bumped into the crew for the show. It was kind of cool seeing everything up close…but I did not see "Agent Don Epps" or "Professor Epps". As hot as it was, we moved on quickly…wanting to get into the shade up ahead…and find the magical waterfall that I had been spouting off about.

After about a mile and a half hike (from the parking lot) we came to the swimming hole. There was no waterfall (too dry this time of the year) but there were about 7 billion bees. Now, I don’t want to come across as some sort of sissy, but I HATE BEES. I always have. The last time I was stung…my arm swelled to the size of a baseball. I went over to the picnic table to put down my cargo and noticed that there were bees everywhere. I started to back away slowly…then burst into a run. From about 50 yards away, I …yelled…to Insane Mama that there were too many bees for me. As she smiled, acknowledging my fear…I mean…allergy…Christie and Megan started to poke fun at me. Typically…I poke fun, they poke fun, it’s all good…but today, 8 billion bees, heat stroke, a sore neck (from the night before…TY baby) and …oh...did I mention all of the fucking bees? I did not want to hear any crap from the little peanut gallery.

I started a very strategic attempt to get up to the swimming hole that all of them were now in. I’d scan small areas, one at a time…if there were no bees, I’d move into that spot….and so on until I was up to the water’s edge. YEAH RIGHT!!!!!! Those little flying pricks wanted me DEAD!!!!!! I know it. They easily backed me out of the entire area. I was watching IM and the kids swim from about 100 yards away. Everyone kept saying to just get in the water…there were no bees out there. Yeah, well I know that as soon as I started to get undressed…I’d have a gang of bees up my shorts …stinging my nethers! Real freakin fun! Maybe it was the beginning of the end…instead of locusts…they sent bees…just for me. With the heat, the bees, the earthquake, the bees, the hike, the bees, the troop of kids nagging me, and the bees…..oh boy….good times were had!!!!!!

Standing in the hot sun…on high alert for bees for about 45 minutes… Thanks Insane Mama and kids for coming to say hi once in a while!...oh….they didn’t! Finally, I heard IM tell the kids that it was time to pack it up…that we had to go. I quickly did a 180 and said that I’d meet them up the trail a bit. Happy to get out of the freakin hive…I started to relax. About a minute later, they all caught up to me…and what do you think the first thing out of the kid’s mouths was? Yup…”you’re afraid of bees, you’re afraid of bees!” Oh just fuck yourselves! (at least that’s what I was thinking as I smiled and explained that If I had been stung a bunch of times and lived…I’d be a nasty, unreasonably angry, grumpy ogre of a man…and would they want that? The conversation luckily ended there. I smirked as we hightailed it the mile and a half back. Just before we hit the parking lot…we did see a van pass by with “Don Epps” in his FBI garb speeding down the little dirt road to where they were filming. At least that gave me some happiness.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Late Night Buzz

It is not the buzz of the alarm clock that wakes her, with a smile...

A few nights a week, Insane Mama crawls into bed an hour or so before I do. That is when I sit there half watching TV and half watching her sleep. Per the norm…I let my imagination take control of me. I notice my PJ’s starting to rise.

Getting up from my comfy chair…I wander over to the closet and pull out “the bag.” Rummaging through the large assortment of sex toys, lubes, videos, fantasy stories, dildos, “personal massagers” and vibrators…I find what I was looking for….The Rabbit.

I quickly flip it on to check the batteries…testing the vibe on myself for a second. Then I proceed to the edge of the bed. As I crawl in, under the covers, and snuggle up with her, I gently pull her onto her back. Careful not to wake her…I position the Rabbit’s vibrating nub directly on her “hooded warrior,” I turn it on…creating a soft buzzing which emits from underneath the covers. Slowly gyrating the Rabbit in small circles, I begin to see Insane Mama…moving with it…in her slumber.

It is not long before gasps and moans begin dripping from her mouth, as she begins to wake. A small smile appears on her face as she realizes what is going on. She grabs my hand…pushing it harder onto her…thrusting against it. I use my free hand to slowly play with myself. I then feel her hand join mine, rubbing harder and faster.

Rolling her onto her side, facing away from me, I lift one of her knees, reach around to keep the vibrator in position while positioning myself between her legs, from the back. We start rocking and gyrating together…


Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I Jerked Off My Stomach….in the middle of the park

My history with my adoptive father is one that I will say I do not wish on anyone. He and my adoptive mother were divorced when I was very young and I mostly spent summers with him. At the time, everything was great. My brothers and sisters and I were pretty much free to do as we wanted while with him. It was fun to not have a parent telling us what we could or could not do.

There were a lot of things that went on over the years that (as I got older) put a wedge between us. At the age of 21, I was going through a rough time with regard to him (not calling, visiting, writing, sending birthday or holiday gifts, etc.)

To me, he was not a father, and never had been. I saw him as a guy that used to be married to my mother, never offered advice, did not spend much time ensuring that we (the kids) were safe and was only available…some of the time. Oh…did I mention that he was the first person to give me both beer and pot?... When I was about 8 years old? At first he said that he wanted me to try it so that I knew how bad it was and then would not want it later. He later said that he really just wanted to see what we (my younger sister and I) would do. It was hard for me…to not respect him as my father. I wanted to respect him…but could not.

At that point I decided to call him to discus my feelings. On the phone, I told him how I felt and that I needed him to tell me what role in my life he would like to be. If he wanted to be my father…he’d have to call more than once a year. If he just wanted to be in my life here and there…just let me know and that would be all that I would expect from him. He told me that he wanted to be in my life…as my father. I was elated. That is that answer that I wanted, so desperately to hear. I told him that we could start with phone calls once a month. I’d call him…the next month he would call me. Even if it was just to say “Hi” and that things are going well.

I did not hear from him for 9 months after that.

From that point on…I see him as the guy that used to be my father and was now going to get in touch every year or so. I don’t ever expect to hear from him…or even look forward to it. I have been hurt by him not following through with plans to visit way too many times. I suppose that being an adopted child…this transition and feeling of abandonment was somewhat easier for me to deal with.


I have gotten a few calls and emails from him over the last few days, that I have not answered. He left messages about plans to fly out for the holidays for a visit. I heard that both six and nine months ago…no visits. Today I picked up the phone when I saw his number (wanting the calls to stop.) He told me of his travel plans and I, not wanting to commit to anything, told him that I did not know if we’d be around…we may be going out of state.

Then the conversation turned to my two sons. As you know I and my ex-wife are not on the best terms (although things seem to be getting much better.) He said that he wanted to see them and that he missed them, etc. I can understand that and would have no problem with all of us getting together for a visit.

So there I am, at the park with Insane Mama’s 9 year old and a friend. I’m laying on the grass while on the phone. Insane Mama was sitting next to me, watching as I made faces into the phone and rolling my eyes (why is he calling to make plans that he knows he will not follow through on?)

Anyway, All of the sudden (Punk Dad – PD) spouts out…
PD – “This whole visitation thing is ridiculous. I am there grandfather and I deserve to see them. I want to be a good grandfather to them and be in their lives.”

What the FUCK?!?!?!?!

I instantly dry heaved and thought that I was going to puke all over some poor little kid walking by. I’m actually not sure what I said to him at that point. My mouth was gaping open, my eyes were definitely screaming “Your stupid dumb mother fucker!!!!” and all I could do was …jack off my stomach. (I made “the motion” over my stomach…so that Insane Mama knew what I meant…but kids passing by would not.

Insane Mama burst into laughter and had to step away. After finishing the phone conversation with dickhead…(he has no consistent name around here.) I called IM over to fill her in…who the hell is he to say that he deserves to be in their lives? That he wants to be a good grandfather to them? He could not even be a father to me. Now he thinks he DESERVES to be in their lives. FUCK THAT!

We had a good laugh and then I bad mouthed him a bit more and, well…that was about it…well, that and a little PDA between …consenting adults.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Meeting The 12 Year Old Me - a look back in time

The 12 Year Old Me

As I approached the young boy who was standing in the hall, at first glance he looked like a happy, outgoing, typical 6th grader. When I stopped to watch how he interacted with the kids around him, I noticed his uncomfortable posture. It was easy to see that he felt out of place. I could plainly see the internal struggle behind his cleverly constructed fa├žade.

After watching him for a few minutes, I decided to go up and talk to him. As I got closer, I knew that he would be dismissive. He saw me approaching and quickly looked away, as to not invite any conversation. I leaned up against the wall where he stood and plainly said, “Hello.” He looked at me briefly and responded with an unenthusiastic, “Hey.” Noticing several scars on his face and arms, I knew that he had been through quite a lot for a 12 year old boy.

After trying to strike up a conversation a few times and being brushed off by him, with his one word responses, I knew that I would need to try a new approach.

Not wanting him to leave, I invitingly said, “I grew up in a town…exactly like this one…and DAMN it was hard. How do you do it?” I felt that putting him in the power position or position of giving the advice might be the way to go. He told me that it was easy…”all about making friends. When everyone likes you…life is smooth.”

I could not help but to chuckle a bit and say, “I used to think that way too. It wasn’t until I grew up and left my childhood friends behind that I realized that I was not sure who I really was…as a man.” I looked at him, hoping for an inquisitive response. He, partially, turned to me and said, “Yeah, well…I gotta do what I gotta do to get through.”

I completely understood that attitude…as I still feel that way sometimes myself. I felt kind of frustrated that he wouldn’t really talk to me…and didn’t seem to be listening.. But then again, the things that I wanted to say to him…(level with people, stop and think, cry, be honest with yourself) are all things that I don’t even do all of the time. Do as I say…not as I do.

I looked back at him and uttered, “Well…I live here now and will always be her if you ever need someone to talk to. You can come to me with anything…questions about sex, girls, friendships, school, parents, siblings…anything…I’ve been through it all.” He just looked at me, with an enough already look on his face and said, “I can deal with it. Things are fine.”

I told him that I would still be there for him…day or night. Then I reiterated to him that I grew up in a situation just like his and that it all seemed good, but that I had no feeling of independence and that everything that I did was a direct effort to blend in, become a leader among my peers and increase the number of friends that I had…inside I felt very alone. At that point, he turned to me, looked me squarely in the eyes (wanting to end the conversation) and said, “Yeah…OK If I need anything, I’ll let you know. Then he started down the hall towards a small group of girls. I could almost make out his snide remarks ...which made the girls giggle and look down the hall in my direction.

Watching him go, I could not help but to realize that he would not come to me. That made me sad…and angry. Sad because I wanted that boy to fix what is wrong and to find some inner peace…Angry because I knew what the future held for him and I was not strong or pushy enough to get through to him.


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