Thursday, June 5, 2008

How Things Change

Participating for the first time with Candid Carrie and her Friday Fun Photos
So, here is the question of the moment...

How does this little guy....

Turn into...this guy

Then turn into ....this guy?

Please help me to understand.

All comments are welcome...I am curious to see what you all think happened to me. :)

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

stupid, nasty, pig-headed, psycho, (cont.)

Well….here is the latest update ….and it looks as though I have been PEEING IN THE WIND once again.

OK, so I call my kids in the evenings just about every day to see how they are and talk about their days, etc. Now I know that when I call, the phone (on their end) is put on speaker – so that Boss Lady can listen to everything that is said. I think that I have done a pretty good job ignoring that fact. Tonight though, the conversation went something like this:

(parts that are relevant)

Son 1 – Hi daddy
Me – Hi buddy
(whispering on the other end)
Son 1 – guess what daddy?
Me – What buddy?
(whispering on the other end)
Son 1 – My school performance is in 2 days…mommy said I should remind you.
Me – I know. It is on Friday at 1PM …right?
Son 1 – Yeah, mommy said that you might have forgotten
Me – No way. I will be there.
(whispering on the other end)
Son 1 – OK..and don’t throw up.
Me – What?
Son 1 – Mommy said that you might throw up.
Me – Why would I throw up?
(whispering on the other end)
Son 1 – I don’t know…mommy just said that you might
Me – I promise I won’t throw up.
Son 1 – OK
(whispering on the other end)
Son 1 – and you have to be nice to mommy
Me – Huh? I am nice to mommy. I was not mean to her.
(whispering on the other end)
Son 1 – Mommy said that I should tell you again not to throw up if you see her.

It clicked. Someone has been reading.

Me – I won’t buddy.
(whispering on the other end)
Son 1 – The performance is only going to be about 15 or 20 minutes
Me – That’s ok…I will be there.
(whispering on the other end)
Son 1 – well it is going to be really short
Me – Well I want to see you and the performance
Son 1 – OK daddy, I’m done talking. I love you.
Me – I love you too. Bye buddy

So….in addition to everything. The 4 and 7 year old boys are now relaying her inappropriate messages to me when I call at night. I would think that any parent would try to keep young kids out of this sort of thing. But….I’m sure that it will be turned around on me anyway.

Camping Gone Bad

This post is going to relate to one of my main passions, camping and the outdoors.
I absolutely love the outdoors and have been tent camping since I was a child.

Now, over the years, I’ve been seeing more and more of those 20, 30, 40 even 60 foot RVs motoring through our campgrounds and forests. Now I get it a bit, if you are touring the country or something like that, but its when I sit at my campsite, beer in hand, and see this monstrosity pull in (blocking my view) and proceed to unload for about 2 hours…until they have their complete set up configured. Oh…this set up includes;

offloading the golf cart (exercise should be saved for the gym), and the configuration and placement of;

24-hour a day generator (which makes normal communication with your fellow campers impossible),

a 75 square foot roll of fake grass laid out in front of the mobile “waste of money” (so that no dirt gets tracked in onto the carpet),

a set of plastic pink flamingos strategically positioned around the site (“to ward of the annoying birds”),

the completely enclosed screen porch (incase there are bugs or squirrels around),

the propane gas fire pit (“cuz the smoke of a campfire gets into the fabric in the RV – and stinks”),

the side-mounted, pull-out TV with satellite dish (incase Jerry Springer or People’s Court are on),

several pole-mounted bug zappers and motion sensor outside flood lights (to scare intruders),

strings of neon and twinkle lights outlining the RV and entire site ( incase it gets dark),

the 20 x 20 foot dog pen (for that little annoying beast that yapps its ass off all night and every time ANYTHING goes by – people, birds, squirrels, …anything), the two EZ Ups (just in case the sun comes out),

the misc. games and the radio with speakers mounted outside – continuously playing (…. Something that 95% of us hate), ….and then there is the nasty old woman that you never see…she sits inside the whole time barking commands and yelling at hubby and the kids to do this or that (she hates camping but they are not allowed to leave her home.)

Most times, after watching a “full set up”, I can bank on looking over the left side of my chair to see a pile of vomit. We do take pictures when we are not laughing too hard or while on breaks from completely dissing every item that they roll out. I guess I just don’t understand why they don’t go to a hotel or theme park or something.

I guess I was curious to see if I were alone on these feelings and am just insanely irritated by things other people like that I don’t, or if some of you shared my thoughts.

Any other tent campers out there? And if you are one of those people with a big RV and the above mentioned “camping gear” PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND.

stupid, nasty, pig-headed, psycho, vindictive, delusional, idiotic, pompous...

So, have any of you ever met someone that is so vile that every time you see them, talk to them or even think about them…you get weak, sweaty and have uncontrollable dry heaves? Some of you, I’m sure, know the feeling.
Now imagine that no matter what you do or say…that person continues to haunt you. Like having Freddy Kruger creeping into your head…day and night.
Well……you guessed it…we now have the pleasure of exploring my … (oops….sorry…just blew chunks) ex-wife (well actually not even ex yet.)

My god this is a long, exhausting and terrifying tale of frightening proportions.

I will talk more about the back story later (or upon request) but the basics of the story now are that she, stupid, nasty, pig-headed, psycho, vindictive, delusional, idiotic, pompous, BigFoot, bitch has not allowed me to see my two young boys for 7 months and we are now headed back into court next week. I fear that I will just vomit all over her right there in the courtroom. This divorce was originally filed 3 years ago and …. Is now that never-ending nightmare. If there were just one day where there were no laws :)

Modern Day Nature

I thought that you all might get as much a kick out of these as I did. Now I know that some may be jokes but…If you are going to go visit a campground or hiking trail…what the “F” do you expect?

These are actual comments left on U. S. Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by campers:

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake.
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."

I say to all of these people, ….. I don’t even know what to say. Are people idiots?
Oh…and speaking of pathetic…I will get to my homicidal thoughts about RVs.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Am I Really A Nasty Bastard?

… Or Is It Just A Man’s Way Of Trying To Do The Right Thing

So let me set this up for you.

A few weeks ago my “woman” (we will call her M Cool for now) got up in the morning and was acting all pissy. I asked what was wrong. She looked at me and gruffly said, ”nothing.” I backed off a bit to see if she just needed some space.

About an hour later, after no change, I, tenderly, approached her again to ask what was wrong. Her head whipped around (kind of Exorcist-esc) and with glaring eyes she informed me that she was a shitty mother and a lazy piece of poo (but she used the S word.) I jumped back, not knowing what to expect, and asked why she felt like that. She told me that she hates waking up late and not being able to see the kids off to school. It makes her feel like a pile of steamy dog poo.

From that point on I have been making a point to set our alarm so that we have time to get up and spend some time with the kids before they leave.
OK…I am almost there.
Anyway, M Cool is ….how should I put it?....NOT A MORNING PERSON!
Now, as the alarm is on my side, it is my job to turn it off and make sure that Mrs. Cool gets up. This is one tough job. After weeks of trial and error, this morning I turned over onto my side, scooched myself into her until she reached around me so that we are in a loving spooning position. Then I proceed to work some of my “inner magic” and push out a nice, loud, morning toot. Eyes still closed, I felt the stabbing sensation of an elbow connecting with my ribs followed by what sounded like snapping bone, while instantaneously leaping from the bed repeating, “You NASTY, DISGUSTING BASTARD. You are so nasty and gross.” I stayed in bed…trying to take back my gases by saying that I was kidding and was just trying to get her out of bed like she wanted.
After coming out of the bathroom, she threw me a glare calling me nasty again and then abruptly left the room.

After pondering my decision and weighing the pain and insults, I have decided that I will go back to the drawing board.

Vomit Call (continued)

Yeah...It is kind of nuts. I guess that hard part for me right now is visualizing the conversation.

Here is what I see:
Me – Ummmm. Hi. How are you? (throw up)
Her – I am fine…it is so nice to finally meet you (starts crying)
Me – Oh…shit….don’t cry. (throw up)
Her – I’m just….so…. (sobbing)
Me – Please…. (starts tearing up)
Her – (reaches out to hug me)
Me – Um….(hugs “mom”)
Then we compose ourselves.
Her – I’m sorry
Me – that’s ok…….what have you been up to? (shit I am stupid) (quick barf)
Her – I’ve thought about you every day. (starts sobbing again)
Me – So… well… umm…ok…I… a nutshell, over the past 40 years (wanting to keep talking as to not throw up or start crying again) I was beat up a lot in grade school, was one of the first to have Atari in my neighborhood, was great at track and hockey, started drinking and smoking in my teens, moved around a lot, was intimate with a girl at 13, partied a lot, moved away from home before I should have, got into more drinking and drugs, had some trouble with the law, married a self-centered, pig-headed, power-happy, useless bitch of a woman, had two kids, checked into a nut house, broke it off with “witchy”, met another woman, parent 6 kids, can’t keep a job….so now I live in front of my computer blogging.
Her – (odd look)
Me – oh….was that too much?

I think I need to plan this a bit.

The Vomit Call

Originally, I started this blog to post some of the stupid stuff that goes on in my life…but after thinking about it…it is kind of scary how much of my life really seems like I am pissing in the wind. And the saga begins…

Have you ever had a phone call where you instantaneously felt the need to vomit, poop, pee, fart, cry and scream all at the same time? That is the call I got the other day.

Sitting at my desk, the phone rang. I picked up. (the description from my wife was) my eyes went bloodshot and teary, mouth gaped open, face turned to stone and I began to sweat profusely as I sunk into my chair. I guess I then began to talk as if I had a mouthful of vomit and that my side of the conversation was limited to one syllable gurgling sounds. On the other end of the phone was my natural mother! HOLY F!!!! I am 40 years old and was adopted when I was 10 days old. Here comes the vomit again just thinking about it. Not that I did not like the call but I literally thought I had to run and change my pants.

I know that there are a lot of adopted people out there and that you never really know how things will work out until you just do it. Well…forget peeing in the wind. This one was more like peeing straight up and letting it come down all over my head. I think I’m going to go throw up….or poo …or both.

More later

Monday, June 2, 2008

And the pee continues

OK. I thought that the excitement for the night was over, I settled back into my trusty chair by the fire and ... low and behold... little miss 9-year-old "I have to do everything that you do" decided that she needed to go pee in the bush too. I had had quite enough pee for the evening and felt that she would be just fine peeing behind a bush. About a minute later...walking like a bow-legged cowgirl, I see my little 9 year old approaching me with a sad, disgusted face on. I knew exactly what happened as I saw the flickering of the campfire dancing on her dripping legs. I asked her what happened and she told me that she didn't think that if she peed ON the bush that her pee wold run down the leaves and branches right back onto her legs. I burst into laughter, instantly making her cry, then gave her a big hug stating that we were now the PEE King and Queen of the campsite.

Enough was enough...we all used the "real" bathrooms for the rest of our trip.

My Lesson On Pee

So, I just got back from a weekend camping trip and it was one of those trips that will stick in my head for quite a while. It’s funny how things just happen.

Anyway, we were all sitting by the fire on Saturday night and my son kept looking at me…you know, with a weird look in his eyes. I finally asked him if something was wrong and he leaned over and said that he had to pee. I instantly burst out a little chuckle and said …well the bathroom is right over there. He looked at me with “big boy” eyes and said, “I want to pee in the bushes.” I smiled at him and gave him that look like (my little boy is growing up.) I said, “Cool! Go right over there” (I pointed). He shook his head and demanded that I go with him.

We got up and headed over to what I guess was the perfect bush. I got in position a few feet from him and told him, “the most important rule of peeing outside is …NEVER PEE INTO THE WIND.” He seemed to ponder that for a moment and then nodded that it made sense. I was about to start going myself and he, after pulling his pants down a bit, told me to face the other way. I turned away from him and let loose. Now I don’t know who up above was playing a joke on me, but the wind picked up and I’ll be damned if I didn’t pee all over my leg. Cussing under my breath, I zipped up and turned to go back to the campfire to dry off, I saw my son cracking up and pointing at my leg.

Last time I pee with that little guy!!!!


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