Saturday, July 19, 2008

Tinkle In My Tent - Super Human

Have you ever known someone who truly has super-human or god-like abilities? As a non-denominational/agnostic person…I am now becoming a believer of powers beyond this Earth we live on. I have been in horrid moods – that soon became exhilarated. I’ve looked out the window to a gloomy, overcast day - which suddenly turned sunny (with birds chirping and all.) I’ve been witness to kids irritating the crap out of me – whom suddenly turned into little angels that I called over to cuddle. I’ve been served “day before the grocery store / throw it together” meals – that taste like gourmet dining at its best. …And so on….

I finally, through years of thorough detective work, have figured out what this power is.

Insane Mama’s Super-Human Coochie!

No matter what is going on, where I am, who I’m with or how I feel….Life seems 100 times brighter and happier after she unleashes her pelvic powers upon me.

So, until I become a regular member of a traditional place of worship….I will bow down before Insane Mama’s nethers in thanks for making my life a more pleasant place. I am surprised that there are not houses of worship ‘erected’ in her honor.

Now, I don’t want to be seen, in Blogville, as the nasty guy who does nothing but sprinkle pee and sex all over everyone…but…I am going to continue to use my blog as an outlet for my past and my daily life. Don’t get me wrong. I plan on posting about ALL of my life…I’m just saying that some of it will be a bit adult in nature.

I do not intend to annoy, embarrass or insult anyone with what I write…I am very open to any and all comments.

Friday, July 18, 2008

A FINE-ASS Day At The Beach

We had yet another fine day at the beach with the kids. Both Insane Mama and I were a bit out of sorts this morning. She seemed to have a fairly short fuse and I just felt somewhat foul. None the less we packed up our beach cooler and headed off to the beach…just south of Venice beach. After getting there and lugging the blankets, boogie boards, towels and such down to “our spot” the kids took off into the water and Insane Mama and I broke out our books and got comfy.

It was a great day (not too hot nor too cold) and I was about 20 pages away from finishing the book I was reading. Mind you that this is a 240 page book that I started on June 20th 2007. It was a great book…but I have never been a “reader.” We continued like that….going back and fourth between our books and watching the kids try to surf on their boogie boards…for a while. Insane Mama was then suddenly jolted from her book by me jumping up and yelping, hopping around our blanket chanting, “I finished it! I’m done with my book!” She looked over at me, rolled her eyes, and said, “Great! Now what?” I looked at her with a puzzled stare and shrugged…but I was still smiling.

I rested my head and relaxed for a few minutes…then noticed that several more families and couples were infringing on “our beach.” The people watcher that I am…I sat up and …just watched. I love to sit and watch (mostly making fun of what people are wearing and all the crap that people tote to the beach.) Yesterday, we actually watched as a family unpacked two wagons full of “stuff” and then proceeded to blow up a pool. Yes…you heard me…the fools brought an inflatable pool to the freaking beach!

Anyway, as I was watching the folks around me…and I’d finished my book….I notice a few couples around us…snuggled up together, rubbing lotion on each other and just being cute with each other. Suddenly, I became aware of an increase in blood flowing to my …nether region. I looked down and watched as Insane Mama was laying on her stomach, reading her book. Panning down and letting my eyes rest on her cute-as-shit booooootay, I proceeded to slide my hand down the small of her back, across the back side of her bikini…resting it so that my fingers dangled down in just the right place. She gave me a courtesy moan and a wriggle of the rear as she continued with her book. I looked around and saw that from where other people were sitting…nobody would ever be able to see what we did.

Slowly, I began to curl and extend my fingers – just enough for them to lightly brush up against her…privates. She began to move with my hand for a minute and then rolled over onto her side. I removed my hand and stopped what I was doing. She looked at me with a look saying to me “what the F are you stopping for?” I looked at her and said…”just keep reading your book baby.” She quickly repositioned herself (exactly as she was) and I let my hand find its way back to “that good spot.” I kept rubbing and stroking (all of this ABOVE her bikini….NO nudity.) That continued for a few minutes until I knew that she was ….”happy.” after a moment…catching her breath, she rolled her head toward me and said, “Thank you mister!” with a large as life smile on her face. I think that the ocean, waves, being in public…all of it made things a bit exciting for her. She sat up, still smiling, and plopped her book on her lap. Smirks and giggles escaped as she tried to find where she left off in her book. Looking at her…I saw that she had found her place and sporting a content look, continued reading.

I don’t think that more than ten seconds went by before I interrupted her…
Me – Hello?
IM – Yeah baby? (smiling)
Me – Um…are you forgetting someone?
IM – What?
Me – What about me?

Then I felt her hand move down to my board shorts as she looked over both shoulders, making sure we were not being watched. I was lying down on my side and she was sitting, leaning her back against my thighs. She continued stroking me, then I felt a tug at the drawstring of my shorts…giving her a bit more access. Needless to say, within a few minutes (and most likely and arm strain)…we felt the need to put our beach blanket and my shorts directly into the wash when we got home.

The next hour or so that we were at the beach…although it was a bit overcast…it seemed sunnier and much more beautiful out there…in “our spot.” Our moods had most definitely improved since morning.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

That F'er Is Gonna Die!

I am not a violent kind of guy (well, except if you drive too slow on the highway, hold up the line at the grocery store, wear clothes that are obviously NOT YOUR SIZE…well you know what I mean) I am just not the violent type.

I love nature and all that comes with it (for the most part.) The line, for me, is usually drawn at bugs that ATTACK me…and by attack, I mean fly near my face or land on me. I take that as an act of aggression. Anyway… Living with Insane Mama, who loves all living things, I have learned to extend nature’s creatures an added luxury, the luxury of living if she can scoop them up and remove them from my “personal space.”

Now, on to the main topic. I am a guy who will actually admit that he enjoys hearing animals in nature, coyotes in the distance, ocean waves crashing, crickets chirping, birds singing, etc. …until recently, that is. Being summer and fairly warm here in Southern California, we usually leave our windows open, day and night, letting the cool ocean breeze flow through the house.

A few months ago, Insane Mama and I would sit out in our front yard watching mom and dad Mockingbird, fighting off a gnarly band of crows in an attempt to protect their new family nesting in a tree in the yard. We’d sit there and cheer for the Mockingbirds. (we hate the crows.) That went on for a few weeks and the Mockingbirds did quite well in fending off the evil crows. We were then very happy to have this family of rough and tumble creatures taking up residence on our property.

These days…there is only one Mockingbird around…don’t know what happened to the others…but …well….let me explain. At 11PM EVERY night, this bird proceeds to (I will not call it sing) Destroy the night with a barrage of a set of about 8 different bird calls (chirping, tweeting and whistling) at the top of it’s lungs. Normally I would not mind, but this banter goes on from 11PM until sunrise…and never during the day. This intrusive noise is so bad that even from its roost in the front yard, I can hear it over the volume of the TV at the back of the house.

I and our teen have been driven completely mad with this F’ing irritating creature. I comment to Insane Mama on a regular basis about it and she responds with, “Let the poor thing be. He is probably lost or something.” I’ve been holding off on any military action and did so as long as I could. The other night it just got under my skin to a point where I just could not take it any longer. I ran down stairs into Cody’s room, found his sling shot and proceeded to the front door. As I set foot on the front walk, the bird went silent. This stupid, shit-ass bird was some sort of mind reader and knew that there was only one reason for me to be in the front yard at midnight, dressed in fatigues and holding a slingshot and a handful of rocks.

I actually sat my old, tired ass in a bush (one with a clear view of the tree that was hosting the little F’er.) Sitting in a bush at midnight after having a few beers was not the ideal situation for me. I sat there for about 15 minutes. It was like I was a sniper in a war and I would lie in wait longer than my target….”do or die little birdie!!!!” Finally, it started up again. At first I could not tell the exact location of the pesky thing and did not want to spray rocks all other the neighbor’s house – might be hard to explain to the police…alcohol, fatigues, sling shot, middle of night…you get the picture. Then I saw…branches slightly move. I honed my eyes on that very spot and continued to wait. (legs cramping, I had to burp, hard to focus eyes, etc) then there was movement again. Stealthily slipping a rock into the leather of my weapon and slowly extending the projectile…I gave one last check of my aim and let the rock fly. Listening intently, I heard the rock whiz through the tree hitting a few branches…and then the roof of the neighbor’s house. Shit I hope I don’t have to wait another 15 minutes for this thing to move again. I didn’t…a second later it moved again….and started singing. I think it was singing…”you suck…you have no aim…you old fat fart!”

I reloaded and with every bit of precision that I could muster, sent another rock into the tree, this time hitting something that did not sound like tree…it was a bit more hollow. I remained in my sniper position to see if there would be any further enemy movement. I waited about 2 or three minutes…there was nothing. My eyes widened, huge grin on my face….I stood up. In my head telling myself, “I knew I should have been a sniper.” It was too dark for me to search the area for splattered bird at that point so I jumped out of the bush and ran inside, dropping my weapon and ammo on the ground as I entered. I raced upstairs and banged on teen’s door (I knew she was up by the reflection of the TV under her door.) As she turned her head to me, I blurted out, “I killed that freaking Mockingbird. She smiled and gave me a high five. I then went into my room, slipped out of my fatigues and curled up with Insane Mama with a sense of complete accomplishment…and slept very well that night.

The next morning I rushed outside to marvel at my fallen enemy…but could not find any trace of him. Maybe the crows and a raccoon made off with him… there was nothing but I still did not hear any sign of that bastard. I was satisfied.

Not For The Weak

As the professional storyteller that I am, I am going to tempt fate by posting a story/fantasy that I wrote a while ago. Now I have toned it down a bit and even cut out some of the detail as I wanted it to be in the NC-17 range as opposed to X.

WARNING: This post is a fictitious story that contains sexually explicit written content.
Please do not read this post if you feel that you may be offended (or if you have any current heart conditions.)

If you would like to proceed to the fantasy, please click HERE.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Tinkle InMy Tent 3

Just like my life… when you pee in the wind, the stream tends to splatter and spray everywhere. There are so many things in my life that I could post about and I don’t really know where to start. I have posted about a small fraction so far and could look at my logs to see what you all really want to hear about…but I don’t know how accurate that would be.

So, I have posted a poll on my sidebar. Please take a look at it and answer so that I can continue spilling my guts pee all over you guys.

I am sure that most of you have noticed that I DO NOT re-read, edit or spend time preparing my posts. I think that it is the most honest (and beneficial for me) to think of a topic, start writing and then clicking that infamous “PUBLISH POST” button. I hope that you do not mind the grammar and spelling errors…and the occasional …confusing post.

Thanks for your eyeballs!!!!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008


This little poem, I wrote for Insane Mama. I told her to give me a subject to write about and she said..."fingers."

Brothers and sisters all linked together
Gripping me hard, or light as a feather
Fingers so sexy, a delight for me to see
One stroke by them is never enough for me
One at a time, searching my skin
Finding the best place for caressing to begin

Brushing on my face or grabbing me below
Your gentile touch make my juices start to flow
From the fist touch until the last
It seems to me that an eternity has past
Touching, licking and sucking them – I like
How to work them - like riding a bike

I love your fingers, so sexual and sweet
Just remember…NEVER touch my feet

Blast From The Past

I just got back from a day out with the kids and decided to check my email. Among the spam and other miscellaneous emails, I had one from someone that I did not know. I almost deleted it but decided to see what it said. When I opened it, all it said was the name of my high school and the town I grew up in with a question mark.

My mind raced…who was this? I did not recognize the first name. I went to a very small school…I can usually place people…this time I could not. I replied to the email just saying, “Yes. Who is this?” About 15 minutes later I had another email from her. As it turns out that while I was in High School, we “spent some time together” one weekend. Now, am I an ass hole for this not connecting for me? I still had no idea who she was. She remembered me and her name or what she said that we did had no effect on my geriatric memory. Instantly I began to freak out…even before finishing the email. Please don’t …please don’t say something about a child. I quickly zoomed my eyes over her email for certain key words……SHIT! "Kid" is there…I thought I was going to throw up all over the keyboard. I tentatively scanned back to the beginning of that sentence and read it in full. Phew!!!!! It read, “I am not writing about a 20 year old kid.”

What a relief. I did have a few high school years when I thought that I was some sort of mini playboy in training. Still…nothing with regards to who this girl is. The other people she mentioned in her email …I remembered them…just nothing on her. Was it “selective memory deletion?”

Then I replied to her email with the first thing that came to mind…”I am sorry, but I don’t remember you.” Now I don’t know if that is something that I should have just kept to myself or not…..but shit, this was actually 25 years ago. When I told Insane Mama about the email and my response, she responded in a way that made me think that my reply …could have been phrased differently. OOOOPS!

Anyway, I asked her a bit more and about what she is doing and where she lives these days and found that she is still on the east coast, is a few years younger than me and is married with a 7 year old son.

It is always good to hear from people from the past…especially when they are not contacting you about something … unexpected… but I suppose it would have been a bit more nice if I actually knew who the heck she was.

Insanely Peeing In The Wind - Part 6

The day that Insane Mama left the hospital, I felt my level of anxiety rise to a level that I did not even know existed. I was actually scared. I feared that she would not call me. I was scared that we’d never get together…but most of all, I was scared that she wouldn’t like me …outside of that place. We spoke on the phone a few times and made plans to meet. The anxiety was killing me. All I could do was think about her. I don’t know that I’d be able to handle her drifting away. I could not let that happen.

The day of our first meeting arrived and I had no idea what to expect, or what to do once we met. But…I was going to see her again and that is what was important. I spent more time getting ready to meet her that day than I ever have.

Then she cancelled!!!!!! What the F? What is this all about? Now I really did not know what to think. Did she really just have some other things that HAD to be taken care of…or was this the first step in her starting to drift away? I did not want to push it too much or interrogate her…knowing that it would be about the same as chopping my own penis off. I had knots in my stomach and had an unrelenting urge to vomit….all day.

After a few more calls and texts, we set up another meeting. At this point I would have driven to Egypt to meet with her. Things were going very well between us on the phone and I knew that she had her hands full with her 4 children. At the same time, she empathized with me about my situation. I was glad that we had this extra time to talk as it really showed me that our relationship “outside” would not be one of those short-lived, physical “flings.” I was happy about the meaningful talks that we were able to have.

The morning of our, new, meeting was a bit different for me. I did not take more than 5 minutes getting ready. I think that was part of my problem the last time. Taking a long time getting ready and being all anxious thinking about it…made it worse when she cancelled. This time it was quick…and we did meet. We decided to meet for coffee at a shop in between our respective houses. I did, though, have a small bucket in the front seat… just in case I was going to blow chunks while driving. As I pulled into the coffee shop I did not see her. I picked up my bucket and set it in my lap while I parked. Just in case. I sat there in my car for a few minutes…I did not want to be that guy who goes in, orders two drinks, gets a table and then watches one of the drinks get cold while the staff makes humorous remarks about him. NO WAY! That guy is not me. Well….It could have been cuz that’s what I ended up doing. Well, all except the other one getting cold.

When she pulled into the lot I had the most intense urge to pee that I had ever had in my life. Then I had a flash of me going into the bathroom to pee, her looking around and not seeing me and then taking off, thinking that I stood her up. F NO!!!!! I got up with the coffees and walked outside. She was still parking so I set the coffees on a wall and waited there for her. As she walked up to me, I was about to say something lame like, “you look nice…or how are you…or Hi there.” My brain went into Rain Man mode. As I was fumbling for the right words, Insane Mama ended her bee line to me by grabbing me and planting her lips on mine with one of the most intense kisses that one could imagine. Our embrace and kiss seemed to last for about an hour (who know for sure?) I do know that we did catch the attention of some of the other patrons who seemed to enjoy watching us “make out.” The fireworks that were going on in my head were making their way through my heart and landing in my groin. Yes…dry humping, slow grinds are still “in.”

That meeting happened 3 years ago and about 2 months later I was out of my house and at the beginning of the “never ending divorce.” Insane Mama makes fun of me, to date, claiming that I’ll never be divorced…I beg to differ, but I can’t seem to secure any paperwork that says different. “Lord help me!!!!!!!!” The divorce has been granted in court….twice, but the final judgment that “her” attorney was ordered to prepare...twice…has never been done.

I will marry that Insane Love Bug of mine one day. I just hope that she sticks it out. She is the one!!!!!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Insanely Peeing In The Wind - Part 5

After leaving the …hospital, I was a wreck. I did not know what to do with myself. I thought of Insane Mama all the time and could not call her because my wife continually checked my cell phone log on the Internet (damn T-Mobile). I wrote to her (never mailed anything) to keep her close to me in my head.

A few days had gone by and I was loosing my mind. I went to T-Mobile and got a pre-paid cell phone chip – which was “untraceable” – that my wife knew nothing about. I then was able to text and call Insane Mama…affording me added pleasure, above and beyond spending time with my two young sons. I spent most of my time either with my sons, writing, doing errands, or texting Insane Mama. I did what I could to be away from my wife. I could see how things were playing out and I knew that we were headed for disaster. The few times that I tried to talk to my wife about my past, what had been going on and my feelings…most of the time I would get responses like, “why would you feel like that? You shouldn’t feel like that.” Or “It doesn’t help anything or any one for you to act all depressed.” That is where communication ceased.

I made a trip back out to the hospital that weekend for a support group meeting….that I knew Insane Mama would be at and as soon as I started driving out there…I began beaming with excitement and felt my whole body open up, as if to reclaim the life that had been drained from it. I basically broke every speed limit and ran several red lights all the way there…at least until I got to a nearby gourmet coffee shop, I knew that she could use a HUGE, rich, dark roast coffee. The coffee at the hospital was nothing more than murky hot water…and it was decaf.

After getting the coffee, I darted off and was there in no time. I pulled up to where the meeting was, parked and (heart pounding) pulled out my make believe sniper scope to find her. Then I saw her, breaking through the crowd of people, seemingly with no concern for anything but me…or the coffee that I was holding…who knows? We embraced. She swooped the coffee out of my hand and took a long slug, smiled and then gave me a big kiss. We talked for a bit as we took a short walk through a field, before the meeting. After the meeting was over, we promised each other that we get together in a few days, when she got out.

Sadness filled my soul as I left. The only thing holding me together was that I knew that we’d see each other in a few days. Or at least that’s what we had agreed upon. I noticed that since I had left the hospital, that there were several other guys vying for her attention. I tried to put all of that out of my head as I drove home…wanting only to remember her touch, her feel, her smell and the words that flowed from her mouth straight into my soul.

To Be Continued…..

Tinkle In My Tent

I am about to leave to go pick up my boys for our visit today so I will not be doing much in the way of blogging today. I will, though, leave you with one question, that has been bouncing around in my head for a while:

What would happen if; Candid Carrie, Black Hokey Jesus, Flutter, Always Home And Uncool, PreTzel, Buffalodickdy, Kandace, Lula, Literal Dan, Insane Mama and I all lived on the same block?

When I first thought about that I could only imagine complete and utter chaos…mixed in with some very interesting block parties. It would either be some incarnation of that new show Swingtown or …. The locale for the next season of Cops.

Either way, when I think about that it makes me laugh..just wondering what would really happen. Are we all really like we are here? Or are our Blog personalities very different than our lives?

Just another random thing that I ponder.


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