Saturday, August 9, 2008

The Peace Corps...Not So Peaceful

This friend of mine joined the Peace Corps a few years ago. He was a young guy and wanted to do something special…something for others. He was soon sent off to some desert area near Egypt for his first mission (or whatever they call it) to help build school houses and teach children in need. What a great guy. Smart, loving, dedicated, honest and giving.

Anyway, when he returned we got together for a few beers and to talk about his “journey.” After he had downed more than a pitcher, he began telling me a story that I don’t think he ever intended on telling anyone…but I just sat there nodding my head…and listening.

The story goes as follows:

“So once I got to the desert Corps camp, I was shown into the camp manager’s office. He had me sit down and proceeded to go over all of the rules, timelines, jobs, personnel, etc. When he was done he showed me to my bunk house. I got my stuff situated and joined up with the rest of the workers and started on my journey to help those in need. After a few weeks, I noticed (out of nothing more than my manly urges) that there were no women at the camp. I brought it up to one of my co-workers who said that due to the local customs, women were not allowed to work here and that I should go talk about it with the camp manager. I was a bit embarrassed so I did nothing about it at the time. After a few more weeks, the urges were getting pretty bad and the sleeping quarters and showers were not conducive for pleasuring my self. I decided to bite the bullet and go talk to the camp manager about it.

I went into the office and told the camp manager that I’d been there for more than 6 weeks and was wondering if there were any women that were around…I was getting pretty frustrated and kind of wanted some release. The manager looked at me and said, “Well…around the back of the office…there is a camel…” I cut him off there and said, “Thanks but I’ll be ok.” And I bolted from the office.

It was about a month later when I went back to the office, basically clutching my groin…as if I were going to explode. I told the manager, again, about my situation and he once again said, “OK, there is a camel in the barn behind this building and that is what most of the guys here use…” I cut him off again and ran from the office…thinking about how nasty that would be…especially after all off these other guys…fuck that!

Now I had been there for 3 and a half months…I ran into the manager’s office, with duress on my face. I sternly asked about that camel. He pointed out the back window to the barn. I ran out the door and around to the barn. After grabbing a stool from the side of the barn and placing it behind the tied up camel, I jumped up on the stool, ripped my pants down, lifted the camel’s tail and ….OH MY GOD! I have to say that it did not take me long at all. It did not even really click that it was a camel until after…and at that point…I didn’t care.

I ran back into the manager’s office, with a huge grin on my face and said, “That was great!...Can I do that whenever I want?” The manager looked at me with the strangest eyes that I’d ever seen and said, “what the hell are you talking about? What happened?” I told him that I grabbed a stool from the side of the barn and placed it behind the tied up camel, I jumped up on the stool, ripped my pants down, lifted the camel’s tail and …you know. The manager, let his head fall into his hands and then, after a few seconds, looked up at me with a shitty grin and said to me, “Holy shit boy! Most of the guys get the camel and ride it into the town about 20 miles east of here!”

That was my last day at that camp…I insisted on being transferred to a completely different region where I finished out my 6 months...from that point on…I decided to wait til I got back to the states to get laid.”

I have to say that I really hope that this story was not true…I never brought it up with him again, but these days I’m thinking that he’s not as smart as I used to think he was.

Friday, August 8, 2008

I Guess Pleasantries Are Overrated

After we got back from our day at the beach, Insane Mama and I got a big tent set up in the back yard for the girls’ sleepover tonight, checked in with all of you nice folks and then planned out our dinner for the evening.

Once all of the “parental” stuff was done, I realized that the evening’s IMPORTANT task was still outstanding… I was out of beer and had to make a quick run to the store to restock on my Samuel Adams. Not that I was sweating or frantic or anything…I just KNEW that it was time to go.

I jumped into the car and bee-lined it to Rite Aid (I know where MY beer is on sale.) Got back to the beer cooler and…THE FUCKING SALE WAS OVER! Now what? Do I submit and buy a beer that I really don’t like as much, do I pay a ridiculous price for the beer I like? Do I jump back in the car to head out to another store? … You guessed it…I headed for the parking lot. As the sliding door almost hit me in the ass, I realized my frustration. It is not that big of a deal, but then I thought to myself (I’m sure that it showed on my face) With the price of gas these days, going to another store will most likely be more expensive than getting the beer here at Rite Aid. I paused, almost turned around, but then, since I was already out of the store…well I headed over to the car.

Just as I was walking up to the car, a couple of guys …in their twenties…were getting out of the car next to mine. I gave a quick smile (as a pleasantry) The guy closest to me, looked at me, then up to my Boston Red Sox hat, then…looking me square in the eyes said, “I hate the Red Sox!” I thought about saying…due to my beer anxiety… "Yeah, probably cuz they kick your team’s ass!” I knew that that would most likely cause some sort of confrontation, so I just looked back at him and said, “Yeah, well.” and then a harmless shrug. (Nice enough…right?) They guy stopped, turned back to me and proceeded to say, “You look like a nice enough guy…but I hope you get into a car wreck tonight.” And then continued to walk with his friend through the parking lot.

I stood there for a minute…stunned. Now, I kind of wanted to follow him in…to get my beer of course…as well as to find out what his big issue with me was. I knew that no good would have come from that so I jumped into the car, backed out, thought about running him over, and headed out to the grocery store.

Now that kind of thing happens now and then and I expect that there are some foolish people in the world, but this fool, made me nervous about getting into an accident all the way home (and that people seemed to be intentionally gunning for me.)

Bottom line – don’t mess with a guy’s head during moments of beer anxiety

Now That Is Talent!!!

Most of you have read some of my posts where I talk about my two sons, who live with my ex-wife. I have not written much about them so far but this past weekend was my oldest son’s 7th birthday....and what better way to contribte to Carrie's Friday Foto Fiesta

He was so cute and very happy to have two birthday celebrations (and cake) two days in a row.

I look forward to every one of the visits that I get with them, which are now on a frequent and regular schedule.

At his SECOND party this year…he schooled the other kids on how to properly wear frosting…and how to eat cupcakes. “This is how it’s done everyone!”…as he posed for the camera. Maybe he’ll get some work as a model for Sara Lee.

Even though I do not live with them….there seem to be some traits of mine that he has acquired…cupcake eating is one of them. I am known for disappearing a cupcake in one monstrous bite. (I do it very delicately and with the utmost precision.) I now know that when it comes to cake, he is right on my trail.

Just a few more of these mouth exercises and obviously more cupcakes…maybe we could get on Letterman…stupid father and son tricks.

They are two of the coolest, cutest and most charismatic little guys that the world has ever seen. (at least in my book)

HAPPY Birthday J-Bird!!!!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Bears, Balls & Sex

Last night I had a horrendous nightmare…well, I guess it was kind of funny too.

So, Insane Mama and I are going camping up in the Sequoias next week. We are going for 5 nights and it will just be the two of us. Now I have never been there and Insane Mama has been telling me about the bears and that EVERYTHING needs to go into the bear boxes. That the bears will go after pretty much anything; sun block, lotion, food…and the list goes on.

Anyway, my dream last night was one that had me waking up in a cold sweat and clutching my …privates.

So since we are going alone on this little getaway, I know that there will be a bit of beer, a glass or two of wine and...I imagine…a whole lot of sex. We have planned it out where we will be bringing our BIG tent and a queen sized air mattress (we usually camp without the Aero bed, but we plan on doing some bouncing!) We have also decided to bring along our “travel bag”…you know….the one that holds our “adult” gear.

Oh yeah…back to my dream. So, without getting into too much detail. I was wondering if bears would be attracted to “SEX.” The juices, the odor, the taste… (I know for a fact that dogs are…is there a big difference?)

My dream brought me to a horrific place...I woke up in the morning, after a long night of counting money, to find a huge black bear gnawing on my penis and with his claws holding me down by my balls. From deep within my mind I heard this big black monstrosity lean towards me and say, “Just lay there bitch…I’m not done.” Like something out of a bad prison movie.

Then after Butch, the Black Bear was done violating me, I crawled, clutching my genitals (or what was left of them) out of the huge hole in the tent to see a little baby bear cub prancing out of the campground with Insane Mama’s favorite vibrator dangling from its mouth.


Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Barts & Bumper Stickers

Our little 9 year old day camper (you know the one that never stops eating) decided that while Insane Mama had her back turned to watch a soccer practice, and while I was walking to the bathroom, that it would be the right thing to do to rifle through both of our bags to look for food...cuz the cooler was empty. Dose she have no respect or self control?

Insane Mama and I were talking about our upcoming camping trip to the Sequoias (with no kids) and how there is nothing but trees and big Black Bears. Then we joked about having a little pot while we were up there. My instantaneous response…no….what I blurted out was, “I would much rather see my kids than get high with bears.” We thought that might make for a funny bumper sticker.

Other bumper sticker thoughts:
There is nothing sexier than an Insane Mama
Sex is best with a Tent Camper
My Tent’s pole is bigger than your tent’s pole
Forget…check into a nut house

11 year old Megan…on the car ride home today said, “Excuse me…I just barted." Not knowing, at that point what the hell she was talking about…we just shrugged and smiled. I’ll have you know that a Bart is when your burp smells like a fart.

And to top it all off…9 year old Christie, who had to pee on the way home, ran inside and said, “You’ll all have to excuse me…I’ll be in the bathroom…for a long minute.”

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

40 Year Old Child!

Getting up this morning and making my way to the computer…I had no idea of what to write about today…and still don’t. I knew that I should post something…just did not know what.

I guess that this may end up being one of those posts where I just spew vomit from my brain. I am one of those people that, on any given day, will go through periods of random thoughts and jumbled up moods. The hard parts for me are most evident in my moods. I consider myself a, very laid back and playful kind of guy. I love kids and playing with them. At parties and get-togethers, if someone is looking for me, their best bet is to find where the kids are playing…usually I am the guy in the middle of them being attacked…like an animal being ravaged by a pack of hyenas…or the “monster” chasing them all over the yard. I actually love this role, and think I do it well. One of the problems for me is … do I do this because I love children or because I tend to dislike random adult conversation? The other day, we all went to a friend’s house for a barbeque and when we got there, there were already about 8 adults and 9 other children. I only knew 4 of the adults and half of the kids. I began by sitting down with the adults and introducing myself, but soon reverted to playing with the kids. After playing for a bit I grabbed a plate of food and then went back to sit with the adults. While eating, I listened to the conversation that was going on and I just had no interest in participating. For the most part, I considered 4 of the adults to be annoying, inappropriate, pompous and rude…not to mention very inattentive to their kids.

The conversation (that I wanted no part of) went from drinking, to Korean culture (one of the families had just moved to Korea), to pre-schools, to joking about the pre-school’s dean hosting drug parties, to secretaries, to “full service” spas for men. All of this was within the ten minutes I was sitting at the table eating. And then, as I was just about ready to get up, our hostess (whom we are very good friends with) walked over commenting that she had some sort of food stuck on her thigh. Most of us chuckled with her…but the guy at the end of the table, sitting next to his wife, said, “hey…I’ll lick it off for you.” Now, I don’t know about you…but I felt that his comment was RUDE! In front of his wife and to the wife of his friend. What the fuck?

I then decided to get up and go play with the crazy, but more respectful, kids. After a little bit, the hostess came up to me with a pile of firewood and asked if I could get a fire going in their fire pit…she is not so outdoorsy and does not know how to do that kind of thing. I took the wood, gathered some dried branches and leaves and started one of my professional fires. She came out a minute later with a few bags of marshmallows for the kids. As I distributed the marshmallows, I noticed that not all of the kids seemed to be so careful around the fire. I appointed two of the older kids as “fire marshals” and went back to the “adult table” to let the parents know that their kids were at the fire pit and that they should all keep an eye on them. I was quite thoroughly brushed off.

I have to say that all I felt like doing was walking over, peeing on the fire (to ensure the safety of the kids), flipping off the table of ridiculous adults, having a beer and walking home. What I ended up doing was having a beer, sitting in a chair near the fire pit and then playing with a few of the kids.

Am I immature? Am I anti-social? Do I just have nothing in common with this group of people? …or is it that their high powered jobs and enormously high incomes intimidate or embarrass me?

I don’t know…but in a nut shell…kids are far more interesting and fun to hang with than adults. With the exception of Insane Mama and …whoever ends up meeting us at Dukes on Sunday night.

Monday, August 4, 2008


So, on Saturday, I was invited to go to my oldest son’s 7th birthday party (hosted by my ex wife.) The party was at UltraZone – a laser tag place with an arcade that was filled with about 50 very determined and pushy kids (not mine…or the kids in his party)…it was the other kids there that felt it necessary to step on my toes and push there way past me to get to that video game that apparently won’t be there if they don’t get to in 2 seconds.

Anyway, It was great to be at the party with my son. He seemed to really be happy that I was there. ( I will post about my sons and the party at another time) As I did not know many of the other adults there as they were my ex wife’s friends and the parents of my son’s friends…but there were a few people there that I had not seen or talked to since my ex and I split up. For me, it was great to see two of them; Jim and Eric. Now Jim, I had known since 1992 when we both lived in Boston. Then after we both lived out here in Southern California, we worked together, lived together and started a business together. Jim was the best man in my wedding and was both a fishing partner and a trusted friend. As for Eric, I became friends with him in 1995 when he married a friend of my ex wife. He was also from the East Coast and a big sports fan. I really liked to hang out with him.

Now that I feel that I have thoroughly gotten off track, I’ll get back to my point.

It was really great to see these guys. I had missed their friendships over the past 3 years and have recently been rather sad about my lack of guy friends. There is one other guy that was, along with Jim, one of my best friends since moving to CA…RM. We were pretty tight and he also lived with me when he and his fiancĂ© broke up. We would sit up nights, talking about EVERYTHING. RM knew me inside and out and I felt a very special bond with him. It was he, Jim and I that were …like brothers – for about 6 years. We fished, golfed, and talked about life and all the other shit that guys talk about. RM began his acting career and started getting big roles and sort of drifted into a new crowd. It was sad, but I guess I can understand that.

At the party Jim, Eric and I were only able to talk a little, being that we were all there to focus on my son along with keeping an eye on the other 20 kids in his birthday party. When I got home, after the party, I told Insane Mama about Jim and Eric and that I hoped that I’d be able to re-form friendships with them.

I have sent emails to both Jim and Eric and I hope that I get some sort of response. I know that after my ex and I split up, they all remained friends and I actually don’t know what was said to them or what they think of me at this point…I feel a sort of stupid anxiety….kind of like after the first day at a new school. Wondering if any of the new people you met would like you and talk to you the next day.

I know that this post is kind of random and not put together well, but I just had to get this stuff out of my head.

PHEW…….I feel better now


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