Saturday, June 14, 2008

Divorce Court - Part 3 Of A Gazillion

As I explained everything to IM, we headed up to the courtroom. As we entered the courtroom, we saw IBM and her lawyer up in the front row whispering to one another. My stomach knotted up and head started to spin, thinking of all of the things that I wanted to say/do.

I walked up to the clerk to check in while IM found us some seats a few rows behind IBM and her trusty attorney. I then joined IM and took a sip of water, since my mouth had suddenly been stripped of every drop of fluid. While listening to the first few cases, I rummaged through my files, pulling out what I thought I might need.

All of the sudden, I got a poke in the ribs from IM who, pointing at IBM, said , “look.” I peered past the heads of a few people fidgeting in their seats awaiting their turns to be in the “hot seat” and saw what IM was referring to…a printout of my blog. I almost burst into laughter as I knew she would try to use it against me. She (IBM) whispered a few things to her attorney while smugly smiling and chuckling under her breath. Then…up it came…a print out of IM’s blog. We looked at one another and just smiled. I was smiling and thinking that IBM was just digging and trying to use anything she could to hurt me and my chances of seeing my boys….but at the same time my brain was franticly trying to think of anything that I may have said that COULD be used against me. (yeah, I have some mal feelings about her and have stated that in my blog. Yeah I do think that she is just being malicious and vengeful, but I don’t recall EVER making any accusations about her or attacking her in any way. In my head, at least, my blog was just a digital, out there for people to read, diary.

Anyway, as we waited, I wrote down all of the things that I wanted to make sure got addressed;

Finalize divorce (order for final judgment)

Inform the judge that IBM has not adhered to the same order that she is saying that I did not adhere to

Reinstate my visitation request

Offer the court my reasoning for not going to the drug test

As I was listening to the judge, making rulings and discussing cases with the people ahead of us, I noticed that he did not seem to be in any mood for any crap that day. I hesitantly pushed everything out of my head and thought it best just to go up there with nothing prepared and just answer his questions the best way that I could. (MISTAKE)

Finally, we were called. IM squeezed my arm and wished me luck. I made my way to the front table throwing up, crying and wetting myself all at the same time (on the inside.) After being sworn in, I realized that I had no clue what the best way for me to explain my side of things was. I suppose that is one of the major obstacles in a divorce when the other side has a Nasty-Ass attorney and you have none. I could tell that things were about to go wrong when I had the out-of-body experience where I floated up and over to the judge’s chair and looked at me sitting at the table with the look of a retarded, uneducated, vagabond who had no business speaking to a judge, let alone representing himself in a bitter divorce. As I floated back into myself, and wiped the vomit from my lower lip, I tried to shake off the feeling that I was beaten before things even got started.

After reading the OSC request, the judge asked IBM and her attorney for confirmation and reasoning for their request for supervised visitation. Among the things that her attorney rambled on about, the one thing that caught the judge’s attention was that I failed to show up for a drug test. The look in the judge’s eyes told me that he was not pleased. I decided to not try to make excuses for it and reiterate to him that “I DID miss it but that I did appeal to IBM and her sidekick right after we all got back from our Christmas vacations, that I would be happy to go in for the hair follicle testing” (it goes back 3 months – I had not and have not been doing anything that I needed to hide.) They refused saying that I violated the order and that we’d have to go back to court.

As IBM’s attorney was throwing out accusations, legal jargon and snide remarks, my brain …got a flat. At that point, all that I could do was to sit there and take the beating. I felt like a piƱata being pounded on by a horde of teenaged boys.

…More to come…

People In Glass Feathers Don’t Fall Far From The Goats

I am going to take you all on a short journey through time. You ready? Seat belts on?

About a year ago, Insane Mama and I were sitting at our favorite coffee shop enjoying a fun game of Scrabble (There will be a post on Scrabble) while eavesdropping on everyone around us. Now, I have to say that what the eavesdropping sparked was a long and drawn out competitive yet collaborative venture that we enjoyed for months to come.

At the coffee shop that day, we heard some of the most ridiculous pick up lines, witnessed horrifying first dates and a plethora of odd people having conversations with their, clothed, dogs. But the funny thing was that what caught both of our attention was when a woman, sitting with her friend made a comment regarding it “raining cats and dogs” and if that was not enough, she followed that, a few minutes later by saying something about a goose and a gander.

Insane Mama and I, at the same moment decided that it was extremely important to put together a list of all of the sayings that really “got our goats.”

As we began this list, we attempted to not only figure out what some of them meant, but why they became sayings and what their origin was.

Our list was somewhere between 50 and 100 …..and now I can’t find the list. All that time, effort and “important” research …down the drain.

So here is what I am asking of you.

Please post a comment with a saying that really “gets under your skin”, why it bugs you and what you think the origin is.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Cool, Creepy, Scary...I don't know

As IM and I were walking on the sidewalk in front of our house, we paused to look up at the big spider web that we have been passing for the last week. Every day, the web was getting a little bigger, but we never saw the spider. I am...not so into spiders, but in this house…you do NOT kill (or even “relocate”) spiders. (more on that…see Insane Mama.)

Tonight, there it was….a monster! Simultaneously, we both jumped back, as if we were in “Attack of the Killer Spiders” and the thing was going to jump onto our faces and suck our brains out through our noses. We stepped back and I knew I’d have to photograph this one. I ran inside to get the camera…and of course our 9 year old. Christie is one of those….nutty, animal-freak kids. We remove “unwanted” critters from her room on a daily basis. Snails, lady bugs, worms, rollie pollies…anything she can catch. Christie is that girl who would need therapy if she (even by accident) stepped on an ant.

I asked her if she wanted to go see the big spider while I took pictures. She was out the front door before I had a chance to turn around. We walked up to where the spider was, I pointed, she looked up and (with her mouth gaping open said, …”Oh My.” I started taking pictures (knowing I had to get the perfect shot for you all. Once I had about 5 shoots, I showed them to Christie who responded to me with…”Wow! He’s HUGE!”...(then I got to a good close up) she looked at the picture and then turned to me and said, “That’s sep-spatula…I mean scepatula…um….slaptulaR. Wait, what is that word?” I responded “spec tac u lar”
“Yeah! That’s it!”

Then I said…...”Hey, let’s go check out the one on the other side of the house.” We trotted down the driveway to the side of the house, Christie chanting under her breath, “spectacular, sptcatipillar, ...UH… do you think this one is gonna be as big?”

Chuckling, I said, “Hold on to your britches Little One….we’re about to find out.”
As we turned the corner, we looked up to the web (that we had really only seen from far away …until now. We (both of us with jaws dragging the floor) stared and as I said, “Holy Mackerel” she barked (like an army sergeant), “That thing is a...MONSTER!”

I clicked away and now, even though I have some cool photos, I don’t even know what kind of spiders these are. I kinda hope that one of these super-sized, creepy-assed spiders bites me. I'd be the ultimate Spider-Man!!!!!!

But...since all of you seem to think that IM kicked my butt…..can I at least kick Carrie’s Toad’s ass with “My Spider Invaders?”


Dear Carrie - Here is my subision for Phriday Photo Phinish Phiesta! Hope you like it!




Thursday, June 12, 2008


I just wanted to thank you all for your support and ...of course your visits and comments.
Today was my best day s far. I've blogging for 9 days now and today my number of visitors beat my (lame-ass) record.
Well... I am proud - and I thank you!!

Divorce Court - Part 2 Of A Gazillion

We got right into the courthouse and made our way to the mediation office. We were there before IB. Ha ha ha. I filled out my paperwork and walked Mama out to the courtyard to sip some coffee and wait for the mediation part to be over. As I walked back inside the courthouse and started up the hall to mediation to wait to be called, I spotted IB. Flashes and spinning took over. It was like the fourth of July inside my head. Not for the reasons you may think though. It was mostly…”Damn she is NASTY. Is THAT who I married? That tight, ugly dress makes her look even worse.” Anyway… I was almost not almost…I was embarrassed to let strangers (let alone IM) know that I was married to …whatever that is. I instantly sat down and texted IM “My God! She’s like a satanic Rhino. Big nasty pig!”

I then was called into the mediation office for my meeting. The mediator had me sit down and then proceeded with the “interview.” It went something like this:

Mediator: So when is your court date? (as if it was not written on the forms I jus handed to her)
Me: This morning
Mediator: Why did you want to meet separately from the petitioner? It can go a lot quicker if you are in here together.
Me: We tried that last year and it was a mess.
Mediator: Ok, what would you like to accomplish today in mediation?
Me: Well…I just want to have “fair visitation” with my two boys.
Mediator: What does that mean to you?
Me: What I would like is 1st 3rd and 5th weekends as well as splitting school holidays and breaks.
Mediator: Do you know what SHE is asking for?
Me: Yes, her lawyer sent me a threatening letter, just the other day, along with their request. I’ll show it to you

Excerpt from said letter
In an effort to expedite resolution of this issue, we have prepared the enclosed
Stipulation re: Modification of Child Custody and for Monitored Visitation; [Proposed] Order. We are hopeful that you will agree that this is in the best interests of all parties, especially your sons. If the stipulation is acceptable, please sign and date where your name is indicated and return the signature page to us immediately.

As you know, the hearing on Ms.XXXX's OSC is set for Tuesday, June 10, 2008. In order to avoid having to appear at that hearing, we must receive the signed Stipulation no later than noon on Monday, June 9, 2008.

We want you to be aware of the fact that if the hearing proceeds on June 10, 2008, we are compelled to inform the Court that you are in violation of your probation. (I will explain in another post some time.)

Mediator: Well….that’s just lawyers
Me: Are you kidding me? Isn’t that bribery or considered a threat?
Mediator: Well…I don’t know.
Me: Well, that is the way I see it.
Mediator: Why is she asking for supervised visitation?
Me: Because I failed to show up for a drug test (now if I did drugs…maybe it would have been worth it…but I don’t…maybe I should …whatever.
Mediator: Well that is pretty serious and it was against the court order.
Me: Well I was told by the courts that what transpired in court last June was not legal until her (punk-ass) attorney filed the Final Judgment, which he never did. Then I was told later on by an office at the court house that the judge granted the divorce, but that there were no orders on file.
Mediator: Well, if the judge ordered it…it’s an order. And the drug test thing is a serious violation.
Me: Maybe if I were doing drugs it would be, but it seems like you are treating me as guilty of drug use.. and you don’t even know me.
Mediator: Failure to go is like a positive result.
Me: ….OK, well I think we are done here. (and I stood up and waited for her to escort me out.)

I went back outside to find Mama and found her “loitering” in front of the women’s bathroom. I did not even ask.

We walked outside while I explained to her what had just gone on.

More to come.......

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Quick Note - Inventions and Insane Mama

If it has not already been invented…I call dibs!!!!
So, we have a bathroom downstairs…”the kid’s bathroom” and only use it during the daytime when at our computers.

What I need is:
A toilet seat lifter. It could be like those trash picker uppers that you see people in the park picking up trash with. There is nothing (well not much) grosser than lifting the toilet seat (on the very edge of the side) and realizing that your thumb and index finger are completely pee soaked.
I am thinking of just locking that door and making the kids all pee outside.

On another note:
So Insane Mama and I basically sit right next to each other while blogging (man she smells!) Just kidding baby.
We rip on each other and throw playful insults back and forth throughout the day. But today….I was hit with a new one.
I made a wise crack about her helping someone else out with that Twittering stuff and not me…then I gave her the finger.
She turned to me, stood up and proceeded to slip her hand underneath one of her DDs (cupping it from the bottom) and then she proceeded to flip (or bounce) it up 5 or six times while making a “never heard before noise” with her mouth. Then she just marched away from me.

How do I compete with that?

Divorce Court - Part 1 Of A Gazillion

I jumped out of bed at 6AM to the miserable sound of our alarm clock. Basically still asleep I reached over and “barfed” (story for another time) Insane Mama, telling her to get her sleepy ass in the shower. We both knew that this was going to be a stressful day. Obviously, the stress was teetering at the edge of unbearable due to the fact that I almost blew chunks all over the bedroom four times before even getting into the shower.

Now, for the purposes of this post I will refer to my ex as Insane Babies' Mama (or IBM). IBM and I had an appointment with the court’s mediation counselor at 7:45AM (just prior to the court appearance.) I knew that the mediation was going to be a joke, as we had tried it once before….and …did not see eye to eye.

Leaving the house before any of the kids were even awake was …kind of eerie, no yelling, fighting, clanking of breakfast bowls or shower towels strewn about. As we made our way down the street to our local coffee shop, we basically said nothing to one another. Just a few glances followed by gutturals barfy sounds. I think we were both nervous and anxious to get this all over with.

We picked up our coffee and headed to the highway. After getting on the highway, I noticed that we were in the red and about out of gas. I turned to Insane Mama and said”… we….should …make it down there. On the inside, kind of hoping that we’d run out of gas and not have to go. As my head was spinning, about all of the things that I wanted and needed to bring up in court, I felt as though I could not even see the road…I definitely should not be driving. But then…letting miss slow driving ass Insane Mama take over, we’d be late as hell. I continued to drive. Now any of you who are familiar with Los Angeles traffic will know that not only does it SUCK, but people seem to want to stop and cause traffic jams for not reason at all (again…story for another time). Every time I had to hit the breaks and slow to 10 MPH, my heart would begin sink and I’d get that twisty, knotted feeling in my stomach. All in all, every time the traffic slowed I felt like I would poo, toot and throw up all at once.

Anyway, we made it down to the courthouse parking lot at 7:40. I was freaking out that there would be a line to get in (happens a lot). Picking up the pace and walking like a “power walker on steroids” with Insane Mama trailing behind me throwing me those looks that state, quite clearly….”we will get there in time, relax, don’t be a lunatic, you spaz.” But I know that she did not say anything because she knew how stressed I was. Thanks Mama!

More to come!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Divorce Court Update

I know that I promised you all an update on how things went in court today.

I will post the full, unedited, recount of todays journey to the courthouse tomorrow morning.

Please stop by tomorrow for an earful eyeful of my rantings about ....that lady and her smug ass lawyer.

Feeling The Love Drifting Away

The only way to discribe the way I am feeling right now is......UNLOVED!!!!!!!!!!!
I know that I have only been blogging for about a week, but my "love" refuses to:
1. teach me how to Twitter
2. show me what she is doing to keep her traffic so much higher than mine (I am WAY cooler than she is)
3. help me with getting ads onto my blog (so tht we an be the next blogging millionaires)

Where has the love gone? All I hear these days is....Carrie this, Kandace that, did you see Litteral Dan's post?, Lula is so cool, Buffalodickdy is so funny, and on and on and on. CAN WE PLEASE STOP THIS MADNESS?

Maybe I will just take the money from her ads and pay you all for your love, attention, frequent visits and a few twittering and advertising tips.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Oh My!!!!!!

I must speak with my Therapist !!!!

Uh Oh!!!

Anyone know a good pet attorney?

Unwanted Pups

This is just great! On top of the divorce issues I am going through right now….This is the last thing I needed.

I am on the hunt for my daughter's little, stuffed animal, black lab’s “babies’ mama” She said something about a wandering, nymphomaniac dog named Koko. Dam you Kandace! I will be suing for pup support.

Anyone want to buy any Unwanted Pups?

Sunday, June 8, 2008


So, with the lack of quality programming on TV these days, Mama and I have been spending quite a bit of time …out on the Bering Sea…with…The Deadliest Catch. Now that is some quality “filler TV!”

Anyway, we watched the 20 hours that we had recorded and had nothing to watch last night. As I was scrolling around, I came across the World Poker Tour. I love poker and Mama knows and appreciates that. I left it on and said that something was on Bravo in about 15 minutes. After the first 5 minutes of…”what just happened? Who’s winning? Why did he win? And They really win that much?” Mama looked over at me and said, “Holy crap…this is intense! I can hardly breathe.” I burst out in laughter, nodding, as I showed her the palms of my sweaty, balled up hands. Long story short, we watched the remaining 3 hours of the tournament…during which I was told to shut up so that she could hear and was instructed to rewind several times … “Just do it! I missed what just happened.”

So, this morning I decided to register and play in my first online Hold Em tournament. I have to say that I am quite proud of myself. Out of the 1,181 people in the tournament….I came in 11th. Yeah for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday Garbage

First of all… I want to say sorry for being a bit slow on posting, since last week.
My head has been …a bit scrambled with everything that is going on.

I think that I may have enough of an opening to actually get a few posts done tonight…so keep coming. If none of this makes sense … either try to piece it together…or just picture me saying, “Just Kidding!!!!”

First of all, I’d like to say…”Have you ever been really irritated with one thing…not even a big thing…actually, very irrelevant…but that irritation spreads to everything in your world?”
That is me right now. I could get a coffee at the local shop and if it is not ALL THE WAY FULL I instantly think to myself ( I hope I don’t really say it out loud) “What the hell is wrong with that idiot behind the counter? Trying to jip me out of caffeine that I obviously need. Isn’t it obvious how irritable I am?” I scowl at people for no good reason. I honk my horn at the undeserving people who just can’t seen to get their MINI FREAKING COOPER out of a HUGE parking spot. I literally run (pushing my cart) to get in line in front of that elderly lady who I know is going to drop her 45 THOUSAND coupons on the floor, have the bag boy run the isles doing several price checks and rummage through her purse for the 98 cents in pennies “oh…I need to get rid of these pennies honey…Do you mind?” I went to this end of season party for our 13 year olds soccer team today and decided that I would just hang out by the pool with the kids….far away from the other parents. Every time I saw a parent walking my way I could hear myself yelling (on the inside) “don’t come over here, you with your stupid laugh” or “don’t talk to me. You are annoying as SHIT!”

Now..I don’t want to get a “virtual beating” but I will now admit to you all what started this whole “devil man” thing.


I love my evening time. After getting the kids tucked in, we sit down in our room with a glass of wine or a Sam Adams and watch a few of our favorite shows. This is OUR TIME. So for the last month or so, we’ve been watching, in disgust, the finales of Prison Break, Lost, 24, Criminal Minds, Without a Trace, ER, The Unit, NCIS, etc. Basically crying on a nightly basis because there is nothing to watch. All I can say is that the “NETWORKS CAN GO STRAIGHT TO ……H E double hockey sticks!!!!!!!!!!!! Are they really spending their time and money on; Wife Swap, Extreme Home Makeover, Real Housewives, Big Brother 206, Army Wives, Next Top Model, The Mole, Bachelorette, Supernanny, America’s Got (Freaking) Talent? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

This is COMPLETE GARBAGE! I feel like throwing the TV straight out of the freaking window (but no man would actually do anything to harm a TV). Why can’t they spread the good shows out to cover the whole year?

Anyway. I just wanted to get something up and let you all know that I am still here.


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