Peeing Up A Tree...and In The Wind

So, when is the point were a man can lay down the law with his “soon to be step-children?
I’ll start by saying that all 4 of IM’s kids are incredible. I love them all to death. I love the way IM parents and feel that she has done a great job raising them.

That being said…I guess I am kind of torn and on the fence for several reasons. (Please bear with me on this cuz I’m guessing that you will get confused.)

I am not, yet, their step father.
I, in several ways, have differing (from IM) reactions to things the kids do and say.
When asked something by one of them, I often say…”Let me run that by Mama.” I really don’t want to have to do that for the basic stuff…but SHE is their mother.
I have lived with them for more than 2 years.
I will be marrying her….someday soon.
I am introduced, by them, as step dad, parent or …future step dad.
I am here for them every day (groceries, preparing meals, tucking in at night, helping with homework, making lunches, going to school events, etc.)

Why do I not feel comfortable making final decisions? Why can’t I feel that it is OK to say “NO”? Why do I feel that IM should do the grounding and punishments?

One part of me thinks that it is for selfish reasons…I still feel that I want/need them to like, love, accept me…and I don’t want to do or say anything to make them not like me.
But then again…I am a man in the house and will only be treated as one if I act like one.
I’ve made it very clear to the kids that I, in no way, want to or am trying to take the place of their dad. I want them to ALWAYS see him as their Father. Shit.. I am starting to confuse myself.

Even today, Megan asked if she could go to a friend’s house to watch a movie, just for a few hours. I said “sure” and offered her a ride. Then, Megan turned to me and said, “should we go find Mama to tell her…and see if it is ok?” I looked at Megan and said to her, “no. I said that you could go…so you can. I will tell your mom exactly where you are.” She smiled and we got on our way. It was no big thing but it made me think…about me, my position here and how we will accept each other when our responses to the children differ.

I guess that I am stuck because I want to be a parent to them, but do not want to over step my bounds. I have been strict about some things, but have NEVER disciplined (grounded, yelled at, etc.) any of them. Not that I want to…but I do want to be comfortable that I can if needed.

Damn I am lost!

I do want your feedback. And, if I did not explain this in a way for people to understand…let me know and I will try it again.

Mystery Photo

As an eager paticipant in Candid Carrie's Friday Foto Finish Fiesta - Here is my submission.

I knew that I wanted to post a picture of a part of my, “GOD-LIKE” body and did not know what part I should photograph. I thought long and hard…and after perfecting my fancy camera work, I came up with this.

I am fairly certain that none of you will know what part of me this is...so I will give you a few hints:

It has nothing to do with "perky boobs"
It gets strained a lot
It makes noise when air rushes through it
I often rub it when I am cold
Sweat trickles down it when it is really hot out




But... it is not my butt.

A Poet & I Know It

Well everyone….since you liked my last poem, I thought I’d shoot another masterpiece out there for you.

US

Insane Mama to you, Mariah to me
Whatever she’s called, she is Hot indeed

Her sexy body and loony mind
Boy we’re lucky she one of a kind

She love animals, dogs, monkeys and owls
But really hates when I talk of my bowels

Her kids are smart, say thank you and please
She sits and blogs, with her perky double D’s

A woman with the kindest heart
She even giggles when I burp and fart

She’s been called a MILF and a hottie too
Treating her right is all I can do

I will not discus details of my loins
But we see stars while counting coins

Getting lost in the woods is a regular thing
But being with her, I feel like a king

I’m going to keep her, forever if I can
With her on my arm, “I am THE MAN!”

Forever and ever, I envision it every day
Holy crap!…I’m glad I’m not gay!

No Matter How Brief

For only a moment in time
Loosing reality
An abyss within one’s self
A place where down is up and up is down

For only a moment in time
Emerged in selfishness
Filling the inner void
A place where out of sight is out of mind

For only a moment in time
Senses shut down
Only the heart can speak
A place where inner love is born

For only a moment in time
Consciousness comes alive
The lost has now been found
A place where dreams come true

For only a moment in time
Meeting after so long
I’ve finally found her
A place where life becomes complete

Meeting My Birth Mother - Part 2 0f 2

…As the door slowly opened…I instantly freaked out! Was I supposed to hug her? kiss her cheek? shake her hand? ..show her my ass? ….what!? As the sunlight hit her face I saw HER for the very first time. She looked nothing like what I had imagined. She did not look super-human…where did I get my powers?

An anxiety filled smile came across her face as a single tear ran down her cheek. SHIT! What do I do? Her lips opened and all that came out was a quivering, “oh my god.” Then she reached out to give me a hug. Our brief embrace was one filled with meaning. She then dabbed the tear from her face and asked us to come in. I moved through the door and as ManicMariah entered, she too was the recipient of a BM “power hug.” She showed us into the living room. Meanwhile, I still had no idea of what to say. (Nice planning Dude!)

We all sat down, she asked if we would like anything to drink. I responded, “how bout a shot of something strong?” we all chuckled for a second and then the room became quite again. Then;
Me – um, ah
BM – so….
Me – Not really sure where to start
BM – I just can’t believe you are really here
Me – I know, this is incredible
BM – you are so beautiful
Me – thank you
BM – I….
Me – I guess I will start by saying that I have no bad feelings about you or anything. From what I know about the situation back then and why things happened the way they did….I am ok with it. I know that for a lot of adopted children, their main fears are rejection and confusion (why did they not want me?). I don’t have these fears. I am really ok with it and I don’t blame or hate you for giving me up. (WOW WHAT AN ICE-BREAKER!)
BM – ---jaw on the floor, and teary-eyed
Me – I had a good life and now can check off on the list that we have met.
BM – this is just amazing
Me – I know that you did what you did out of love…and I was raised in a great, loving family
BM – Yes I did. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done
Me – I brought some pictures for you to look at
BM – oh…that is great. I’d love to see them.

IM went out to the car and brought in the laptop. Not mentioning the technical difficulties, I got the slide show set up and we sat on the couch together to go through the pictures. I put together 15-20 family pictures going back to about 1975. She was pretty much speechless as I went through the images and narrated who was in each one. I then talked a bit about my adoptive parents and siblings and my two boys, ManicMariah's family and kids and where everyone was…spread around the country.

With my 6 siblings, my parents, ManicMariah's immediate family and myself – we “represent”; CA (northern, central and southern, TX, OH, PA, FL, NY, ME, NH & GA.
We then talked about my natural father (NF) her and her family. BM & NF were never married, they dated while he was in the Air Force and her family lived on base (due to her father.) He was shipped out to Japan and was gone when she found out that she was pregnant. He did not know about the pregnancy or adoption until a year later.

Please picture the situation… 17 year old daughter of an Air Force officer, 19 year old BLACK Air Force GI, 1966-7, pregnant girl, forbidding mother, military police…

After she told NF what had happened, he offered help in any way he could, asked why she did it all alone and told her that she should have told him and gone to live with his parents (she knew that that would not have worked.) They did not speak after that day until I re-connected with BM. She contacted him and then gave me his email address. (another story)

A few years after she gave me up, she met, fell in love with and married a man. They had one son (my half brother) together (he had two from another woman). They lived together and raised their 3 sons for the next 15 years, until their divorce.

We then all got up to go out to lunch. That was the plan as long as things were going well. The ride was a bit quite (a lot of digesting going on I guess) but I talked a bit about my parents and step parents and the relationships that I have with them. Once we got to the restaurant and got seated, BM began telling us stories from back in the late 60’s (my NF and her parents) she also indicated that when she was 6, she had a very serious illness that paralyzed her from the shoulders down for 6 month. She talked of her travels (being a military brat) and all about the close relationship she had with her father.

We briefly discussed the tension that we felt and experienced in dealing with bi-racial issues in the late 60s and how my mother’s parents and BM’s mother were …not so accepting.

About my BM; she is very sweet, personable, funny, down to earth, very in touch with her feelings and surroundings, filled with love and cherishes family. Even though I was and still am all twisted inside…I would not trade that visit for anything in the world.

Anyway…the reunion went VERY WELL!!!!!!!!! (All 211 minutes of it.) There was so much more talked about, we played with my half brother’s dog, took some pictures and talked of another visit down the road.

As we were about to leave, she grabbed me and gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek and then turned to ManicMariah and did the same, and whispered, “thank you for that phone call.”
(another story)

We walked back out to the car, pausing to look over our shoulders to wave and smile…and then got into the car and headed off.

The first few minutes, we spoke about our thoughts of her and how we were feeling. Then I called my mother to fill her in. She was very excited for me and eager to hear all about the visit. Once she was filled in, I told ManicMariah that I was going to try to sleep for a few minutes…I think I was in overload.

Now, I know that women are more chatty than guys are and they tend to explain things a bit better sometimes, so I have asked ManicMariah to post her views of the visit/meeting. Keep an eye out for her rendition.

Thanks for listening/reading.

Meeting My Birth Mother - For The First Time

The 2 hour and 30 minute drive was absolutely the longest 2 ½ hours of my life. In addition to the urges I had every 5 miles or so to jump off one of the exit ramps and speed home, my mouth was seemingly full of cotton, head was spinning out of control and still had no idea what I would say once I met her.

Oh, for those of you that did not read the back posts…I went to go meet my birth mother (BM) (oh, I am using BM just to annoy ManicMariah) for the first time today. I was adopted at 10 days old and until this year barely knew anything about her or my natural father.

So anyway, we arrived in the area where we were going to meet about 45 minutes early…so what better to do than get a car wash? We handed over the keys, paid and then went out front to pace back and forth until the car was ready. Did the city planners and business owner know that I’d be making this trip when they situated all of the businesses in the area? I have a sneaky suspicion that they did...because low and behold…DIRECTLY across the street was a very inviting (not really, but it fit the circumstance) establishment. The sign on the front of the small, beautiful building read, “BEER, POOL TABLES & GAMES”

I turned and with a mischievous smile whispered to ManicMariah, “You think we have time for a little drinky-poo?” Her response was both swift as well as direct…”Yeah…RIGHT! Not a good idea!”

I let it go, knowing that at this point she was the one with the level head. I paced a bit, sat a bit, but was too anxious to do anything more than a bit. Looking at my watch, I peered around the lot and did not see our car…but the people that came in at the same time were conveniently done and gone. Did they “loose” our car? What was the hold up? Did they not get the memo about MY BIG DAY?

A few minutes later the car emerged from the mechanical cleaning monster. Knowing that we would be meeting BM in less than 20 minutes, I looked over at ManicMariah and hesitantly smiled, then noticed that she had chewed ALL of her fingernails down to, on the verge of bleeding, stubs. I guess she was not as calm as I had thought.

After navigating the last 2 mile to MY HALF BROTHER’S house, I stopped the car a few houses away, made that lovely BARFING sound (and action) … just checking to see if I would puke or not. Luckily, since I am super human, things were good…no puke today.

We parked, gave each other that look, you know, the one that you give someone when you don’t know if you should just bolt or bite the bullet. Not letting myself think, we slowly made our way up to the front door. I hesitated before ringing the doorbell, did another dry heave test run, then thought….SHIT! What if she is watching me through a window? This will look good.

I rang the bell, fidgeted with my hands and waited. As the door slowly opened…

Sensual Visions...In My Head

Looking at you from the doorway. Seeing your body, glistening with sweat from the intense lovemaking that we had just finished. I move to the edge of the bed, gently gliding my fingers down your moist body. I use the fingers of both hands to softly stroke your inner thighs. You moan. I see goose bumps begin to rise in the whole area between your belly and thighs. I lean down, and use my tongue to lick your sweetness, using long soft strokes. You grab my head and roughly pull me into you. I gladly indulge. Exploring every part of you with my tongue makes me just as excited as it makes you. You moan again, begging for more. I stand up, watching your body gently gyrating. The site of your glistening boody is more than I can take. Standing by the edge of the bed, I take myself in my hand and, while looking deep into your eyes, I begin stoking myself. You moisten your lips with your tongue. You lean your head towards me. Laying on your side, taking me in. You begin moaning, a kind of continuous moan. ……(had to be edited out)…. I remained deep within you, not moving, feeling the intensity of our intimacy. I then begin to make love with you in a deep and slow. As we both get excited, I the pace quickens. Feeling you … for the 3rd time, I roll us over. You move your body back and forth. You begin impaling yourself on me. As I begin matching your movements with my own, we both feel such intensity building that we embrace, continuing, incredibly in-sync. Grabbing each other tight, we explode in ecstasy. Shaking, twitching, primal sounds filling the room, we collapse together and look into each others eyes and smile.

Nothing Like A Little Monday Morning Drive

Tomorrow morning, ManicMariah and I are going to head out to meet (for the first time) my natural mother. It is bad when even typing it makes me want to puke all over my keyboard. Kind of like the thought of going to the doc for a prostate exam (story for another day)...anxiety, despair, wretched fear, clammy skin, dry mouth, sweaty (in all the wrong places)…but you just know that you HAVE to do it.

I guess that the worst thing is thinking about what I will say. The fear of rejection is not there (we’ve spoken on the phone a few times and exchanged emails) but how do you start that conversation? So...what have you been up to…FOR THE LAST 40 YEARS!?

Do you talk about “things?” The weather? Work? …..
I just don’t know what is going to happen...see...this is why it sucks that I can’t tell the future. I have NO powers!!!!!! Boo hoo!

Anyway…just a not explaining why there is no new post today (well, except this one.)

I will update you all tomorrow…unless I’ve checked myself in somewhere for…”Observation.”