People In Glass Feathers Don’t Fall Far From The Goats

I am going to take you all on a short journey through time. You ready? Seatbelts on?

About a year ago, Manic Mariah and I were sitting at our favorite coffee shop enjoying a fun game of Scrabble (There will be a post on Scrabble) while eavesdropping on everyone around us. Now, I have to say that what the eavesdropping sparked was a long and drawn out competitive yet collaborative venture that we enjoyed for months to come.

At the coffee shop that day, we heard some of the most ridiculous pick up lines, witnessed horrifying first dates and a plethora of odd people having conversations with their, clothed, dogs. But the funny thing was that what caught both of our attention was when a woman, sitting with her friend made a comment regarding it “raining cats and dogs” and if that was not enough, she followed that, a few minutes later by saying something about a goose and a gander.

Manic Mariah and I, at the same moment decided that it was extremely important to put together a list of all of the sayings that really “got our goats.”

As we began this list, we attempted to not only figure out what some of them meant, but why they became sayings and what their origin was.

Our list was somewhere between 50 and 100 …..and now I can’t find the list. All that time, effort and “important” research …down the drain.

So here is what I am asking of you.

Please post a comment with a saying that really “gets under your skin”, why it bugs you and what you think the origin is.

Where Have The Years Gone?

I have to say that this whole getting old thing is getting under my skin.

I was having a conversation with our 14 year old son (big hockey fan) yesterday and I proceeded to tell the story of going to my first hockey game. Bruins vs. Penguins. I continued saying that I was so excited because Bobby Orr was playing and I had seats right behind the bench.

He threw me an odd look and said, “who the heck is Bobby Orr?” I, feeling old, said, “what?! He was like the …Pele of hockey.” Then I got…”and who is Pele?” I said, “OK…he was like the Tiger Woods or Kobi Bryant of hockey.” The response to that was, “Oh…he cheated on his wife with prostitutes?”

This conversation went on for a few more minutes, until I finally got through to him with comparing him to Michael Jordan and Wanye Gretzky.
It is sad to me how many of my sports heroes are not known by today’s youth.

The one good thing about my …aging is that Mariah has a ‘thing’ for little old men. I think that I am going to give in and invest in a walker.

The Human Mind Is A Mean Fucker

Now I know that everyone ages differently, but I have to say that I think that the human mind is a devilish little fucker.

As many of you know…today is my birthday. I turned 42. SHIT!!!!

For the most part I feel great…when speaking generally. I can run around with the kids, love roller coasters, camping, acting foolish at the beach, ridding in the cart at the grocery store…you know…a typical man who acts like a kid.

On the other hand, my mind has been playing some god awful tricks on me over the last few months. Maybe it is from all of those stupid commercials that spotlight an aging man with his joint pain, or the ones for Viagra or the Hover-round…maybe it is from watching TV and movies with aging men…who know?

What I do know is that I wake up most mornings with a sore back. I get a stiff neck when the is a chilly breeze. I (even though I live in Southern California) even get literally chilled to the bone when it drops below 55 degrees. I get joint pains. I need to rest and massage my shoulder after throwing a football with the boys…and I am now at the stage where I NEVER pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

I really believe that most of it is in my head (seeing as I had a physical not too long ago where I was told that Cholesterol was the only concern.)

I woke up this morning to find that …one of our kids had taped up notes all over the house, such as: the one on the coffee pot that read, “all old guys need coffee to wake up…” or the one that was in the stairwell the said, “Careful old man…you don’t want to throw a hip coming down the stairs” or the one on my computer asking (in very big letters) if I needed glasses to read it.

Bless the kids for their sense of humor…but F them for reminding me of what is to come…and reminding my brain that this is a great day to make me feel old.

Well…this is a lot of writing…I think I need a nap.

Cyber datting at its finest

I just now received this email...

What are the odds that she beats Mariah as the woman of my dreams?

Should I mess with her and send her an email?

You make the call.

Greeting my dear,

my name is grace i am a young beautiful girl with full of love and caring also romantic,
well i saw your profile today and i love it,i think we can click together please i will like you to use your email address (grace_kbaby@yahoo.com) to contact me directly to my email box at the same time i will show you my photo and you also know more about me. thanks for your understanding please contact me with this email address below

grace.

Cyber Sociopath

So, as most of you know, I have been going through a shitty time with my ex and her ridiculous behavior. I know that I tweeted a few things last night when she started texting me with .... the following.

Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 9:47 PM

I'm in Brentwood at a dinner and am hearing that you and mariah can't handle my young boys and give them the attention they need. Should I come get them and bring them to their home where they are loved and appreicated?


FROM ME TO HER
Whatever. I am sitting watching a movie with them. Fuck off and don’t text me with this stupid shit anymore.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 9:49 PM

Especially sice Mariah complains about them every time they are there and they hate being there anyway. I'd rather my sons be happy.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 9:57 PM

Really? I heard you're playing poker while jaden sleeps on the couch again. They tell everyone how they hate being with you. Poor Jaden told sarah XXX's husband stu that he wishes he was his dad instead of you because stu actually pays attention to the boys. Michelle XXX listened to the boys complain about how much they hate going to your house the whole way there today. You're a pathetic excuse for a dad. Why bother trying? Just make them happy. It's so easy. All hey want is your attention and love and you are just too selfish.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 9:59 PM

They are happier home withe where they are suurpunded by people that care and pay attention to them. At least let them have that.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 10:03 PM

I'll come get them. Because if they are awake as you say watching a movie, they shouldn't be anyway. It's way past bedtime for kids their age. I'm 10 mins from your house.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 10:14 PM

I'm not drinking. But I hear you've had your share of beer tonight. And I'm keeping a log of the boys complaints and begging to not be with you for court. God knows you haven't gotten anything yet because you're a pathetic human being. I'm just trying to support my boys. You don't deserve them and are harming them every second they are there.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 10:16 PM

At least I have enough respect for my children to keep this private. You care about Twitter more than your sons.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 10:18 PM

Way to go 'dad'! You know that jaden's teachers found your blog? Ok. I'm done. Hopefully, I won't have to dealwith tu again because my boy will he what they want. To not be with you ever again.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 10:19 PM

Hopefully I won't have to deal with you again because my boys will get what they want. To not be with you ever again.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 10:25 PM

Awww. Did it hurt your feelings that your boys prefer other dads to you??? You just slandered me. Judge who already hates you will love that.


Contact: 1323919991X
Date: 11/21/2009 10:27 PM

Funny. Your own mother called you a sociopath.

Am I wrong...or is she out of her freaking mind?

Give a flock of chickens for the holidays!!

So the other day I got the below from a company that wants me to write about them. The company rocks and I think it is a great idea....BUT...when I got to the part where they gave the gift comparisons, I almost peed myself.

Maybe it was just the frame of mind I was in but I am fairly certain that water buffalo and diamonds or HDTVs should not be used in the same document.

Anyway...I'd like for you all to read on and come to your own conclusions.
---
Hi -

If you are going to include a blog on giving that makes a difference, you could tell readers about alternative gift translations. 2 benefits: it's fast and easy to do, it's green - no driving, shopping, wrapping, mailing, etc.

Here's what it looks like at an organization called Heifer International (www.heifer.org). Heifer helps poor families become self-reliant through gifts of farm animals and training. And then recipients "Pass on the Gift" of their animals' offspring and their new knowledge to another family in need. Here's what can happen when you give a gift through Heifer to honor everyone on your gift list, especially those who appreciate this kind of gift or folks who really don't want or need anymore stuff:

By replacing traditional holiday gifts with alternative gifts, you can help struggling farmers escape from poverty:

· Bottle of wine ($40) = 2 flocks of chickens and training to start an egg business

· Dinner for 2 at a nice steakhouse ($150) = 1 pig and a hive of honeybees and training in small biz

· Golf lessons ($500) = 2 water buffalo and training for a rice farmer to increase his yields

· Diamond earring studs ($1000) = 2 dairy cows for an African AIDS orphanage that will provide up to 8 gallons of milk a day to help improve children’s nutrition

· Burberry cashmere scarf ($200) = 1 llama, a trio of rabbits and a flock of chickens (and training!)

· Laptop computer ($800) = 1 cow and 2 goats and training in use of manure for biogas units

· Nintendo Wii game ($50) = Share of 1 dairy cow and community leadership training for women

· 42” HDTV monitor ($1200) = 10 high quality sheep for a women’s wool project business

· Rolex watch ($5000) = a whole “Ark” full of animals, 2x2, 2 cows, 2 sheep, 2 camels, 2 oxen, 2 water buffalo, 2 pigs, 2 beehives, 2 goats, 2 donkeys, 2 trios of ducks, 2 trios of rabbits, 2 trios of guinea pigs, 2 flocks of geese, 2 flocks of chicks, 2 llamas – and lots of values-based training to build strong communities

· Midsize company holiday party for clients ($30,000) = Fund an entire village’s escape from hunger and build a strong, just and equitable community through Heifer’s 12 Cornerstones training.

This year, celebrate your friends, family and colleagues with a gift in their honor to Heifer. It’s smart giving when giving has never been more important. Why not skip the presents this year, and change the world with lasting solutions for a better future.

OCD Sucks

Due to some technical difficulties…or my ever-present OCD…I had to erase all of the timers for shows set to record on our satellite system. There were some conflicts and things just weren’t working right (as smooth as I’d like them to be.)

As to not forget any shows…and again letting some OCD seep out, I first made a list (I love lists) of everything that we, as a household, wanted recorded on a regular basis.

35 freakin shows!
And 25 of them are shows primarily for Mariah and I.

What the hell are we thinking? How are we supposed to watch 25 hours of TV a week?

That made me think about it in relation to other things in my weekly schedule…fine…It was an excuse for me to make another list.

Here is what I cam up with…In order:
Sleep – 56 Hours
TV – 25
HoursWriting / computer / work – 25 Hours
Homework help – 10 Hours
Laundry/cooking/household chores – 8 Hours
Carpools – 8 Hours
Sex – 6 Hours
Volunteering at the school – 4.5 Hours
Shopping – 3 Hours

A TOTAL OF 145.5 HOURS!

Being that there are only 168 hours in the week…I have about 22.5 hours unaccounted for. (I know I do other things so I will not stress about ‘losing time’ or anything.)

Now, looking at this list…I know that I need to move SEX MUCH HIGHER in the list, additionally, I am spending roughly 47% of the hours in the week sleeping and watching TV…WTF!? Like I don’t have better things to do.

The Mind, Body and Shit

Well - I think that the majority of you know how I sometimes throw out some major randomness and how speaking my mind is not something that I am worried about doing….so here goes another edition of TentCamper’s Random Thoughts.

I know that it is something that everyone has thought about and even most likely had in depth discussions about….Yawning.

How is yawning so contagious? Why isn’t sneezing, coughing or clearing your throat? It is only yawning. Why does the brain only fuck with us on the yawning thing? I mean, you can see someone across a room yawning and …there you go a big yawn and you are not even tired. It could be someone talking about yawning or yawning right next to you. Even someone writing about yawning can make our dumb-ass brains think that we need to yawn.

What is the point of a yawn anyway? Is there any medical or biological purpose for yawns…or was this our creator’s way of fucking with us?

(How many times did YOU yawn while reading that?)

What about sneezing? Why can’t we sneeze with our eyes open? In follow up…I kind of think that those folks out there with severe allergies, who sneeze a lot….maybe should not be allowed to drive during allergy season.

Lastly, why are women's boobs considered 'privates' and men's are not? I think that my nipples are bust as sensitive as a woman's. If the reasoning is that they are considered a sexual organ....what about mouths? Should we cover those too? Shit...even hands can be quite the sexual organ. I say that we all pe-TIT-ion to have the requirement for women to wear shirt lifted. Men and women....equal! (Fine....some women should remain clothed...but the same goes for men... I guess I think that it should be a person's personal choice.) Let's get this done people!

Why has nobody developed an in the bowl vent for toilets? (I claim this as my idea so back the F up!)

Many (if not most) bathrooms are equipped with exhaust fans in the ceiling. This is indeed a helpful product. BUT what it essentially does is take the looming odor, which is directly under you, and pull it straight up your body, across your face and then up to the vent. Why not have a vent built-in (or even an ‘aftermarket’ product) that would take the emissions from one’s stink pickle and whisk it away…BEFORE one has to hold their breath as the vapors cross the facial area?!

My New Catch 22

So, as you all know I went to the doctor about a week and a half ago and after getting the blood tests back, my doctor told me that to lower my skyrocketing cholesterol and blood pressure I would HAVE to quit smoking, change my diet and exercise regularly.

Now, if any of you know what the diet for high cholesterol is, you’ll know what hell I am going through. I am not a junk food junkie, but not being able to eat 98% of things found in a normal grocery store is…my new HELL.

On top of that, I am a week into weaning down my smoking and am at less than half of what I smoked up until now. If you have quit or know someone who has…you’ll know that the first thing you want to do is EAT! Problem number 1….I can’t fucking eat! Salads and nuts just don’t cut the ‘quit smoking cravings.’ In addition to the food aspect, my loving doc prescribed Wellbutrin (an anti anxiety drug) to help along the weaning process. The thought is good, but after reading the below ‘known’ side effects….What The Fuck?

Wellbutrin

All medicines may cause side effects, but many people have no, or minor, side effects. Check with your doctor if any of these most COMMON side effects persist or become bothersome when using Wellbutrin:

Constipation (everyone knows that a cup of coffee and a cigarette are like bowel draino); dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; headache (the smoker’s cure for any pain or ailment….smoking); increased sweating; loss of appetite(when I am not able to eat anything…I am going to get sick from mal nutrition); nausea; nervousness (again…smoking calms the system); restlessness (for this and the last one….mind you, this is an anti anxiety drug!); taste changes; trouble sleeping(can’t sleep….have a smoke…or eat…WTF?); vomiting (who doesn’t have a smoke after a good puke?); weight changes.

(I will not even get into the following SEVERE side effects.)

Seek medical attention right away if any of these SEVERE side effects occur when using Wellbutrin:

Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue); chest pain; confusion; dark urine; delusions; fainting; fast or irregular heartbeat; fever, chills, or sore throat; hallucinations; hearing problems; menstrual changes; new or worsening mental or mood changes (eg, concentration problems, panic attacks, aggressiveness, agitation, anxiety, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility, exaggerated feeling of well-being, inability to sit still); red, swollen, blistered, or peeling skin; seizures; severe headache or dizziness; severe or persistent joint or muscle pain; severe or persistent nausea, vomiting, or stomach pain; severe or persistent nervousness, restlessness, or trouble sleeping; shortness of breath; suicidal thoughts or attempts; tremor; unusual swelling; vision changes; worsening depression; yellowing of the skin or eyes.

So….here I am, smoking less, wanting to eat, not being able to eat, suffering from side effects that make me want to smoke, but can’t smoke more, needing to exercise more, but lacking the nutritional energy to do so….basically making myself nuts.

Lastly…I may be wrong, or it may just be a smoker’s mind trick, but haven’t I heard somewhere that the worst time to quit smoking is when you are under a lot of stress? (i.e. out of work, struggling financially, going through divorce, etc….all of which apply to me at the moment! And my doctor knows this.)

Is my doctor a quack? Or is this my withdrawals from nicotine and fatty foods?

Annual Physical Update - Lab Results

I don’t know…you tell me…Is there a better way to really fuck up someone’s day than to have the doctor’s office call and leave you a message that the doctor would like you to come in to discuss the lab results in person? (see below for the post about the physical)

WTF!?

The only thing that they hinted about was elevated cholesterol, but that the doc wanted to go over ALL of the results with me. Now…the earliest I can be seen to talk to the doctor is tomorrow morning.

Now I get to sit here and do one of two things….worry all night and be a mess…or…Drink heavily until tomorrow morning.

HMMMMMMM……

I had better go get a lot of Sam Adams!...just in case.

Annual Physical Update

So, this morning I woke up at about 7AM to birds squawking outside my bedroom window and the looming memory that I have a physical and can’t have any coffee. Pissed off I slam the window shut and yank the covers back up over my head. I did not want to get up until 15 minutes before seeing the doc.

Per the norm, our 10 year old honored us with a visit every 3 or 4 minutes…for one thing after the next…but 5th grade picture day is a special day….so…I reach under my pillow for the remote and on goes the news. (yes…I sleep with the remote under my pillow…don’t ask)

So there I was, laying there under the blankets, half tuning out both the child and the news, grumpy about not being able to have coffee and anxious about the doctor appointment. I guess my state was obvious because with only a few across the pillow glances, I felt Mariah’s hand moving up my thigh and coming to rest on my…package.

My guess is that the wonderful morning romp in the sheets was an attempt at elevating my mood (I am quite OK with that.) But what may have happened is that while breaking my foulness…she pumped up my blood pressure enough so that the doctor had questions for me.

Now on to my appointment. After filling out all of the stupid and redundant forms I was called in to start the exam. The first stop was height and weight…my weight was about 165ish…normal, but what the fuck is with my height? I made the nurse measure me 3 times…I am fucking shrinking!!!!! A year ago….and since I was like 18 I was 5’9” (borderline 5’10”) TODAY I AM 5 fucking foot 8”.

Ok, then I was shown into the exam room, told to undress, put on a gown and have a seat. After changing, the nurse came back in and took my temp and blood pressure (which was high’ish 138/89 - due to sex, nicotine, anxiety and no coffee.)

Then in comes the doc. Long hair, low cut v-neck top…my kind of doctor. Not good looking…but strides ahead of the fat, wrinkly old men that I’d been used to. Anyway, she proceeds to assault me with health related questions, lashing at me about smoking at every opportunity and then begins her exam.

First was checking the ears, eyes and throat with that little mini magnifying flashlight deal. She made no comments, so I felt safe. Then it was on to breathing. She whipped out her stethoscope and listened to my chest from the front and then the back while instructing me to breathe heavily (sounds kind of …adult – but it was far from that.). Then my heart, a few seconds to listen and she backed away from me.

At that point the gloves went on and she asked me to stand up. Flashes of my late night conversation with Mariah flooded my head. (I’ve been doing some recent ‘manscaping’ ….to the point of …well, I believe that I had about the same amount of hair down there when I was born. Tool and jewels…bare as a babies bottom! I told Mariah last night that I was nervous about that if the doc wanted to do a hernia test…but then I thought about it and had not had a hernia test in like 15 years. Mariah laughed for about 15 minutes, but I felt assured that our secret was safe.) Anyway, the doc grabbed the bottom of my gown and told me to hoist it up. And there it was…my clean shaven manhood dangling about a foot from her face. Luckily the doctor (who is also our kids’ doctor – freaking great) was pretty professional and only shot one inquisitive look up at me.

After coughing as instructed, while she tried to cram my balls up into my stomach, she asked me to turn around. I paused and fearfully looked at her as she squeezed about a third of a tube of KY onto her fingers. I looked at her with my best sad puppy dog eyes and said, “Really? I just had a prostate check last year.” She responded with “You are over 40….it comes with the physical now.” I indicated to her that it would be fine if she wanted to use MORE KY…to no avail. I turned around, leaned over, grabbed the sides of the table and WHAM! No warning, no gentle pat on the back…not even a brief reach around. She pulled out (shit that sounds weird) and told me that things were in order and I could get dressed before the nurse comes back to take blood.

HOW LUCKY AM I TODAY!?

I got dressed, waited for the nurse, quickly filled a few vials with my red man juice and was about to leave when Dr. KY came back and handed me a slip that I was to bring to another office….to get a chest x-ray, then she slipped out the door and out of sight.

Curious if she wanted the chest x-ray because she noticed something that she failed to tell me about or just as a routine part of the physical…I don’t know.

I left, went to get the x-ray and now am sitting home awaiting her call to discus the results of the blood tests and the chest x-ray. OH JOY!!!!!

Pee...for you and me!!!!!!

OK, I am not going to get into any detail about how this conversation got started…or why it lasted so long, but Mariah and I found ourselves talking about pee…and its existent or non-existent health benefits. Although most of you think I am all about the pee…I think it is pretty gross and would only use it in the case of a jelly fish sting.

Anyway, she was telling me that people swear by first morning pee…that they use it to wash their faces, drink it, etc. Just plain foul!!!

I decided to do a bit of research. Here is what I have found.

Urine consists mostly of watern with small amount of urea (a substance that can be harmful if it enters the blood stream) and excreted enzymes, minerals and hormones--which many believe can be beneficial to the body. Urine therapy involves using one's own urine to address a number of illnesses and conditions. In addition to helping maintain general health, urine therapy has been shown to be a beneficial part of skin care.

For best results, allow the urine to dry on your skin as you massage it in….

For larger problem areas or areas that are sore or sensitive to the touch like large acne outbreaks, eczema patches or large scars or blemishes, apply a compress. With a large urine sample, soak a small washcloth or rag in the urine, then lay the rag on the area. Leave it there for up to ten minutes…

…put urine in a clean spray bottle and spray it onto your skin, then let it dry there like a body mist…..

The middle stream of fresh, warm, morning urine is the most potent, and drinking it mixed with freshly squeezed orange juice is probably the fastest way to accomplish this task, although it is best not to mix urine with other foods or drinks or to take it within an hour before or after eating.

Oral drops of fresh urine can be placed directly under the tongue. Urine therapists suggest their patients start with 5 drops of fresh morning urine on the first day, increase to 5 or 10 drops on the second day, and take 10 drops on the morning of the third day and the same amount that evening before going to bed.
Self-urine may be used as eye drops and ear drops, in foot baths and even as effective enemas. Nose drops can help loosen mucus and clear up blocked nasal passages. Gargling with it is helpful for a sore throat, and inhaling it relieves sinus and respiratory congestion. Taken internally, it has a laxative and diuretic effect, as it cleanses the digestive tract.

it also works as an excellent cosmetic for moisturizing and healing skin blemishes, burns and scar tissue. However, for this usage, it is preferable to use urine that is 4 - 8 days old.

Anyway, this is quite disturbing to me. Who the F is gonna sit there, groggily piss into a cup and then rub it on their face, followed by a nice big swig…to get their morning going?!

Absolute shit I say.

Oh, but did you know that eating a pound of carrots can make you see in the dark? And if you masturbate you palms will grow hair? (not sure what happens to women.)

Please be honest and let me know if I am missing the pee boat…cuz you know…pee is what I do.

Do any of you do this? Know anyone who does? Believe in it?

To Pee Or Not To Pee

As you may be able to tell from the name of my blog, I have a tendency to pee into the wind. But that is not the only thing about pee that I like….I grew up in the northeast and spent many a winter producing creative ‘art’ on my white snow canvas. I peed on my brother after my other brother and I tied him up. I have (I am man enough to admit it) peed myself …as a grown man. I pee outdoors at every opportunity…bushes, behind trees, alleys, fields, off boats, in streams…you know…pretty much anywhere. In addition to all of that, I have a small bladder, so I go pretty much all the time.

As a 41 year old man, with all of the aforementioned experience, I do consider myself an expert…or urinary master extraordinaire…as I have been referred to from time to time.

With that said, I have considered writing books on the subject…things like Taking the Piss (The History of PEE) for the guys and How to Pee Standing Up for all of you ladies…who want to let loose and pee in the wind with me.

Maybe I am talking about pee too much or maybe just sharing too much about myself personally, but I really don’t care.

I love to pee. You know when you have to pee really bad?...no when holding it hurts so much that you actually start to laugh. When you finally let go…it is complete ecstasy… A ‘peegasm’ if you will. Or when you (knowing how big or small your own bladder is) pee for so long that you wonder if something is wrong…then you just get that little smile on your face…you’ve actually impressed your own self. What about when ….oh never mind…you get my point.

Lastly, I got a bit upset when I saw this. Who do theses asses think they are anyways?

Vanity - A Nationwide Illness

One of Mariah and my favorite things to do while driving around is …well…besides dissing up people’s outfits and driving skills and pointing out and laughing at the nose pickers, seat dancers and singers…vanity plates. There are tons out there, some foolish and some that make no freaking sense whatsoever.

For the ones that are evident, we read them and then try to get a good look at the driver to see if it is a good fit or not…usually NOT.

Then there are the more difficult ones…the ones that must be vanity plates, but that could just be a coincidence with the mix of letters and numbers.

Anyway, I thought I’d share with you all a few that were quite evident. I would have loved to get a good look at these drivers!!!!

What the hell are people thinking getting shit like this on their cars?!

Confucius Vs. Dr. Phil

I don’t know about you but recently I have been having some issues with the sayings like, “Money can’t buy love.” and “Money doesn’t equal happiness."

I know that literally they are true, but at the core of what they mean….I have always thought it to be… without the ‘pad’ of money, it is much easier to feel/experience what love really is.

Now…Philosophers and ‘wise men’ may say these things, while at the same time, psychologists and socioeconomic studies say the complete opposite. “The lack of money and financial hard times are proven to be the root of a great deal of divorce, break ups, and household dysfunction.”

WTF!?

With the economy, lack of work and rising costs of having 6 kids (schools, groceries, movies, ice cream, birthday gifts, etc., etc.) The ‘lack of funds’ is proving to have a devastating effect on our whole house.

Mariah and I worry about ‘making it’ through the month, while the kids, increasingly, need things - and we don't need the kids worrying about our money situation. Continually telling the kids that we can’t afford it or that it will have t wait kind of puts a damper on their day and makes them wonder how stable our family really is. Meanwhile, Mariah and my stress levels rise and it tends to come out in the form of a cold, angry, or unhappy attitude…which then equates to the Gods pissing on our ‘flame.’

I love Mariah. I love all of the kids. I love the time we are able to spend together. I love what we have. But these days it seems that, whether it is Mariah and I or one of us with one of ( or a group of ) the kids…tempers are short, attitudes uneasy and the lovey, cuddly sides of us all are pushed aside from the stress. I feel like at any given time…someone in the house is in a foul mood…and does everyone else have the right to be cheery and happy?

I miss the constant smiles that we all once shared. I miss the spontaneous love making. I miss the luxury of being able to take Mariah out for an evening.

I want it all back!

I know that it is all part of being an adult, being a parent, being out of work and struggling through hard times…but it is plaguing me and I fucking hate it!!!!

Peeing in a Tornado

OK….What gives?

Let’s just say that reflecting on things…sitting or lying down trying to assess my current situation… has become quite the nightmare of a task.

Basic summary:

I am unemployed.

I have been looking for work for about a year and have literally come up dry. I won’t say that I have been out on the streets banging on doors every day, but I have sent my resume to thousands of people and still….nothing.

I know that the economy and the current job market suck right now…and that huge numbers of people are out of work…which just makes it that much harder.

There seem to be many reasons that I am not finding work:
Over-qualified
No experience
Felony record

Now, over the past 25 years, I have done the following for work; Restaurant (dishwasher, server, bar back, assistant manager), Construction (roofer, grunt for wood framing contractor), Mental Health (worker and then manager for 2 different group homes for mentally handicapped adults), Public Relations (in-house for House of Blues, then started a PR firm which I ran for 8 years), Internet/Magazines (co-founded 2 successful online magazines and acted as Executive Editor for another), Professional (General administration and then promoted to Operations Manager for an LA based financial consulting firm.)

When I apply to PR/marketing companies…I usually get, “too qualified” or “we found someone who better matches our needs.”
When I apply to offices for Admin jobs…I did not work in that field long enough or I am over qualified (what the fuck does that mean?...both over and under????)
When I apply at McDonalds and grocery stores (which I have) I get turned away upon them seeing a felony record.
When I apply for general labor jobs, I do not have current experience…15 years ago does not seem to count.
…WHATEVER… The point is, I CAN”T FIND A FUCKING GOOD JOB!
(**if you know of anything…feel free to let me know)

Am I going to have to move to freakin Greece and become a fisherman? Try out for Deadliest Catch, leverage everything I can and give it a shot as a professional poker player?

What?...you ask what my dream job is? I would start as a crew member and then an owner of a sportfishing charter…fishing the big boys off southern Baja. Shit…I’d take cleaning the docks in Marina Del Rey.

AND THEN…..My (pending) divorce…
This case has been going on for more than 3.5 years. She has a (well she is on her 5th) lawyer and I (since the start) can’t afford one and did not think that there was enough to argue about to really need one. MY BAD! So, I am still not, technically, divorced (although the judge granted the dissolution more than a year ago.) All I want is to have fair / standard time with my boys. I suppose that if I got a job, I could hire an attorney and get this whole thing over with…but scroll back to the top.

With 6 kids – it is hard not to feel like a total fucking loser. The situation is absolutely Maddening!

Well…..enough of this pity / venting shit and back to actually feeling like shit.

Corn and the Mysteries of the World

WARNING! This post might be a bit on the crude side, but it is an honest, random thought that has drifted through my mind a time or two.

*AND I am trying to weed out my sissy-ass, prude and generally boring readers. (PLEASE leave an honest comment...It will help me in the weeding department.)

What is the nutritional value of corn? How much of it is taken in by the body?

I ask because I know that when I have a healthy serving of corn with a meal…pretty much the same amount comes out in my …movements.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not bashing corn…I love corn and will eat it as long as I have teeth.

I am just curious as to its nutritional value and how much of the corn the body ingests.

I know that with one kernel of corn, inside the ‘skin’ is a mushy center…is that all that is consumed by the body? I also know that the outer skin is what is…’left behind.’ What the hell kind of alien food is eaten but the body refuses to or cannot break it down?

Feel free to check out the evidence here if you dare.

If you have crazy Yoda-like corn knowledge and can enlighten the rest of the world…Please do. I’d put this mystery up there with Bigfoot, Amelia Earhart and the Loch Ness Sea Monster.

Normal Chilhood - Military Training

We gathered at the edge of the woods as the sounds of clanking dishes filled the air. Full from the dinners we had all just finished, we sat and waited for the last two members of our squad.

All dressed in our fatigues (or as close as we could get) we had our briefing. The seven of us agreed that minimal talking/noise …and of course only using our code names would be the only way to keep our top secret mission intact.

We spread out slightly as we entered the woods. For the next ten minutes all we could hear was the faint crackling of pine needles beneath out boots and a random twig snapping as we pushed our way through the trees to our hide-out.

The air was still, breezes blocked by the acres of pine trees on all sides. We entered our 2 story fort one at a time, without making a sound. Once we were all inside, we began planning our day’s activities. In low, but commanding, whispers we discussed the three traps we were going to set along the paths to our hideaway.

*We’d seen enough Vietnam and random other war movies to know the best ones to ensnare the mistaken or intentional intruders.

Over the next 5 hours all seven of us worked diligently to perfect our military works of art. We split up into 3 groups; Pain, Sniper and Grunt worked on the bungee pit, Hammer, Red and Cap worked on the spring snare while Gunny, Top, Nuke and Camo perfected the suspended log (or mace trap).

**I will not tell you which of the above my code name was.

We regrouped as it began to get late in the day and began rounds to check out all of the work that had been done. All of the traps were set…satisfied with our ingenious success, we all headed home for dinner.

Around 8PM, we got back together, armed with flashlights to inspect our newly crafted traps…and to make sure that they were still in place.

The bungee pit was the first that we got to. It was just fine…a 4 foot deep ditch, which spanned the width of the path, covered with branches, twigs and leaves – hiding the bounty of sharpened wooden spikes that were positioned at the bottom, awaiting their first prey.


The spring snare was next. It was set with a young white birch tree, pulled back with a very sensitive network of ropes, a large slip knot and trip wire. We had high hopes for this one. We tripped it a few times and were thoroughly impressed.


Lastly we came to the mace trap. This was the hardest to set as the log, suspended 20 feet in the air, had to have weighed at least 100 pounds. Held in place only by a small stick attached to the rope acting as the trip wire…this was a sensitive one and we were all very careful not to trip it by accident.


Stay tuned to the ending of this story…in my next post.

(until then...go read the first, second and third installments about my childhood)

Feet, Baby Birds and Briefs

Per the request of @Sweet_Life at The Sweet Life, this post will be an overview of my thoughts on a few random subjects that she threw out to me. The subjects that I’ve been asked to elaborate on are; Stinky feet. Baby birds learning to fly. Girl Scout cookies. Black socks and sandals. Boxers vs briefs vs boxer briefs.

With my vast knowledge and expertise about pretty much everything, I will try to dumb it up a bit and use laymen’s terms so that you all can follow what I have to say.

Stinky feet – I’ll get straight to the point on this one…I HATE stinky feet! I am an all around kind of anti-foot kind of guy. I don’t like touching feet, don’t like people touching my feet…so a stinky foot, to me is revolting. Shit even writing about it…thinking about some stinky dirty feet is bringing me to the edge of vomiting. NASTY! Don’t get me wrong, I can look at feet (if they are cleaned up and pleasant) but I see no logical reason to touch them.

Baby birds learning to fly – In general, I have no dislike for birds (bats – I HATE) I have always kind of liked birds…excluding; pigeons, crows and vultures. I have, for the most part, been quite intrigued with many birds (Falcons, Eagles, Hummingbirds, Hawks, etc.) I remember as a child, sitting up in our neighborhood trees watching mother birds feed their babies just after hatching. It was even cooler when I got to see mommy nudge them out of the nest for their first ‘attempted’ flight. I was in awe…and yes, I was careful not to get too close or touch the nest. Now we have two birds. I HATE FREAKING BIRDS NOW!!!! They are noisy. They make a mess with their food. There are feathers and bird shit all over the house. As pets, their wings are clipped so that they can’t fly…so they can be poked, prodded, pulled, tweaked, held, squeezed and yes, showered with. I feel bad for these birds…but they have made me not like birds anymore.

Girl Scout cookies – I absolutely love the taste of almost all Girl Scout cookies…BUT…I have come to the conclusion that the whole cookie thing is an illegal scam that will be shut down by the DEA or Homeland Security one day. I am convinced that the cookies have cocaine or some other kind of addicting drug in them…by the frantic nature of how people act as soon as they hear that the cookies are on sale. Beyond that, hordes of 10 to 12 year old girls work the streets, go door to door, standing on street corners to sell their goods. I don’t know what is worse…sending these young girls out onto the streets and teaching them how to swindle people out of money (like national cookie sweat shops) or little girls pushing seemingly drug-laced baked goods in our faces.

Black socks with sandals – Northeastern Europe…AKA German people. I am not a fan of that fashion statement…and really do not understand the point. Maybe they don’t make white socks in Germany…maybe it never gets warm enough to wear sandals on bare feet where they come from. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT! It goes into the same book as the men in Speedos at the beach, ‘big’ girls in spandex and belly shirts, black and Mexican men always wearing t-shirts to swim at the beach and people buying and putting clothing on their pets.

Boxers vs. briefs vs. boxer briefs – This one is simple:
Boxers – teenage boys
Briefs – gay men, body builders, cowboys and men who think that they are ‘all that’.
Boxer briefs – normal men who need a bit of support whilst not jamming one’s nuts up into their pelvis.

Time Travel...To The 70s and 80s

A bit random…but I am just going to throw it out there…

Is it only me or do any of you with you could just go back in time to the late 70s or early 80s?

I loved that time…I mean sure…I got into some trouble and drove my parents absolutely insane…but I was a boy growing up in rural New Hampshire and there were no video games, addicting TV shows, cell phones to distract us.

I loved cruising around with my friends, hanging out, causing trouble and having good old fashion boy fun.

These days things are so much more complicated…yes, I know that much of that comes from being a father to 6 kids, but even when I put myself in any of their shoes…with the texting and Internet shit that they get into, the drama with all of the cliques in schools, the gangs, teens driving all over creation, etc. it is enough to drive a man nuts!

We just grounded our 12 year old and she has absolutely no clue what to do. She can’t go hang out with friends and can’t use her cell phone. We told her that she could use the house phone to call and talk to her friends and she said, “No thanks…I don’t want to talk to them…I want to text them.”

How fucking impersonal are cell phones and IMing, email and all of the other Internet communications making our kids?

We just allowed her to use AIM and she has been at the computer for 3 hours and counting….WTF!?

Now I guess we will have to limit her use. I know that kids don’t have the self control that we wished they did…shit I don’t have the self control that I wished I did…but the fact of the matter is that ….when I was a kid, and none of that stuff was around…life just seemed much more innocent, fun and …shit….easier.