Friday, March 20, 2009

big ass needles and cutting tools

I think that I hide it pretty well, but I have to say that I’ve been living with quite a debilitating fear…poking around in my head lately.

I have recently been granted more time with my 2 boys and I feel that Mariah’s kids all love me and see me as a reliable and permanent fixture in their lives. Those two things make me the happiest man on Earth.

The scary part is that I have been feeling run down. Back problems, eyes get a bit discolored, ears clog daily along with recent throat problems, always fatigued, my ‘waste management’ department does not seem to be running smoothly (although…that could just be in my head.)

I have been to the doctor and had physicals and stuff, but I don’t over-dramatize all of these symptoms to the doctor. I don’t want to be a complainer or whiner. I suck it up and power on. It is just that these days I can’t help but to feel like something serious is going on every time I start to feel something ‘off.’

My throat has been killing me for 2 days now and it does not seem like a normal sore throat…instantly I start thinking…’it is throat cancer and I am FUCKED!’ Then I have a day when my bowel movements just don’t seem right…and I pee every 5 minutes…followed by feeling like I need to pee and just can’t...and I smoke and drink.

It is driving me crazy…but I do not say anything…I know Mariah is going to kick my ass and march me into a doctor after she reads this. I don’t want her to worry or freak out, and I genuinely fear going to a doctor with everything and having him say that I am FUCKED!

On the other hand…I am 41, I run around and play, wrestle and horse around with the kids all day. I (think) look much younger than I am. I am strong and have never had any medical problems. All of this shit could just be a figment of my imagination.

I need to be here for Mariah and all of our kids, but doctors and their frequent misdiagnosis, over medicating, treating things that are really not ‘things’ and …big ass needles and cutting tools.

I have never had surgery, never actually spent a night in a hospital…and I hate to admit, as a man, that Hospitals and all that cutting shit, scares the crap out of me. I can’t fathom the idea of me having to go in for some surgery or something. I could see myself skipping the country and living out my days on a beach in Costa Rica before checking into a hospital.

Maybe I just need to stop watching House and get some medical marajuana or something...and just chill!
Mariah…take it easy on me and …really….I’m ok.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Education and Food

You really have to have faith in our educational system…

Sitting with 3 girls, (10, 12 and 14 years old) and I decided to throw out some random fact questions…Here is how it went:

Me - What state is known for oranges?
Them – California, Georgia and… Mexico

Me - Grapes?
Them – Seattle, Florida and yummy!

Me - Beef?
Them – Farms, Australia and… Montana

Me - Blueberries?
Them – California, Indiana and I don’t know

Me - Lobster?
Them – Hawaii, Florida and California

Me - Cheese?
Them – England, Detroit and… finally, Wisconsin

Me - Corn?
Them – India, Arkansas and California

I think I might have to go have a talk with the schools about what the hell they are teaching our kids…or what they are NOT teaching.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

What Is A Dad To Do?

Is it just me or does the way that people dress really get under your skin too? I was going to write this post as after seeing some freakingly jacked up outfits…on grown women today.

I don’t understand it. Do people not own mirrors? Are they so stupid that they honestly think that wearing shit that makes people stare…is going to make them some sort of trend setter or fashion guru? I guess part of it is where I live, but I can honestly tell you that I feel the vomit lurching its way up into the back of my mouth just from driving down the street.

My subject today will be the fashion of today’s teenager. FUCK, SHIT, ASS, PUKE…fuck…I just peed on myself.

First of all, when it comes to boys, I can’t stand sagging! It is the stupidest thing that I’ve ever seen. And what the fuck is with boys wearing skinny jeans? Are they trying to look like girls? Do they want to carry a purse?....cuz there is no freaking way they can get shit into any of the pockets of those ridiculous creations….even if they got some change in the pocket…they’d have to strip down to pull anything out.

Now…Girls…WTF? Are girls everywhere dressing like they do here?
Ugg boots
Short shorts (so short that if they don’t continually pull at the leg holes…their privates start finding their freedom.)
Tight, open top shirts that show their belly piercings while molding around their developing breasts.

Now in these outfits; they cannot jump, run, squat, climb stairs or sit down…without all of their ‘junk’ waving to the world…in all of its teenybopper glory.
Not to mention the fucking glitter!!!! Damn…I just puked on my desk.

I would not mind if it were just a few random sluts…whatever…but it is EVERYFUCKINGONE! Girls with serious boyfriends, the jocks, the loners, even the freakin preacher’s daughters.

Then…they walk down the street, prancing like flock (?) of fucking gazelle…and get pissed when all of the teen boys stare and gesture for their attention.

Yes…It gets worse. I, as a (Hot Dad) father of a teenage girl, have to walk like the new guy in prison…or a white boy with a fancy car in the middle of South Central. I see the way that people look at her, old men, young boys, even the disapproving looks from women. At any minute I feel that I might have to throw down with random strangers.

I HATE the way she/they dress and I know her…not a slut, has a serious boyfriend, responsible, good student, respectful and respected…but this new found fashion for these girls makes me ill. Why do it? There is no need for it. I have throw away clothing that I could no longer stomach…but it was soon replaced by something worse.
And they get it from impecable role ...

Barring hiring a security guard to walk with her at all times…or forcing her to wear overalls everyday…what is a dad to do?

HELP ME!!!!!!!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Sidelines, Soccer Moms and Blood

Standing at the sidelines feeling completely “in” the game. I watch every movement by the players on both sides. My arms, legs and body move and twitch with the game involuntarily. As I pace up and down the sideline with the action, I tune out the clusters of chatty moms that seem to surround me.

My voice overpowers that of both coaches and the rest of the parents combined. I shout out moves and plays to the player with the ball. I bark at players to ‘open up’ and call for the ball. Forgetting about the scores of sibling children buzzing up and down the sidelines…and the moms cheering for their sons to play well. Here I am…shouting at the top of my lungs, “Take him down!” “Use your body!” “Flatten him!” I call out to my son as loud as I can, “Cody….take that kid out!”

Now I know that my voice carries and I am sure that everyone at the field can hear my aggressive and brutal orders. After catching disapproving glances from parents…on both teams, I tone it down a notch. I continue pacing up and down the field…intent on mot missing a beat. As I pass by a group of moms, sitting in their little folding chairs…talking about a sale at Macy’s or the latest debacle at the grocery store….I can’t help but to stop and say something crass…or at least uncalled for. Today it was, “Um, you are at a Lacrosse game…not the nail salon. Enough gossip…Watch the game.”

I know, I know…these are the parents of the other kids on the team and people that I spend a lot of time with. I really do not mean to be offensive, but how dare they not be as into the game as I am? I have secretly gone over to the players at halftime and broke out a wad of cash while announcing that I will pay $5 for every opponent that they take out of the game and $3 to see blood oozing out of anyone on the other team.

I know that some of the parents…and the coach have heard me…I am now starting to fear that everyone thinks that I am completely psychotic. Yes, I have been warned by referees before and almost been asked to leave games.

Yes, these are 12 and 13 year old boys. Yes, this is a team sport. Yes, the coaches are working hard to have the kids learn sportsmanship and to advance their skill with their sticks. I just can’t help myself…if you can’t outmaneuver your opponent…take his ass out!

It seems obvious that…I am in my own little sideline world, mostly due to the fact that when I go to games now and get my chair set up…the rest of the parents set up about 15 yards down the field from me. I suppose my pacing up and down, screaming at the top of my lungs for blood may interfere with the moms just wanting to see little Johnny get his first goal.


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