you fat, lazy, beer drinking, TV watching old man

I have always been a sports fan…not fanatic, but a fan none the less. I played a lot of sports as a kid, but since high school it has mostly just been recreational skiing, swimming and stuff like that. I, as an adult, never got into any organized sport or workout/exercise routine I love watching sports; football, soccer, hockey, boxing and in the late 80s, got into watching kickboxing.

When I moved to LA from Boston, in 1994, I had not done any kind of sport or regular workout for close to a decade (what a lame ass I am.) Then, through my work, I met a woman who was the publicist for a kickboxing trainer. She asked me if I’d like her to set me up with him…to work out and train at his gym. When I asked her what his name was she said that I most likely did not now him but his name was Benny Urquidez. I was floored! Of course I knew who he was…only the greatest kickboxer in the world! Benny “The Jet” Urquidez!!! I had idolized him since I started following the sport and was mad that he had retired a handful of years earlier. I quickly said that I’d love to train with him…”Where do I sign?”

Once she brought me out to meet Benny I knew that I would be his newest, subservient little ball of clay…to mold into a super warrior…like himself. On my first day at the gym…after peeing and pooing all over myself …out of pure fear…Benny explaind a bit about his history, the gym and its rules and what he teaches. I kind of just sat there in awe. I mean this guy is a legend. He started competing in amature kickboxing competitions at 5 years old, competed around the world, held championship belts in 4 weight divisions for more than 25 years and then, after retiring, came out of retirement at the age of 42 to fight the 25 year old Japanese world title holder…and won. Benny had NEVER lost a professional fight in his life.

I, an out of shape guy in my late 20’s, was scared. I told Benny that I wanted to train as a workout…to keep in shape …and know how to kick some ass! He corrected me and said…”workout …yes, kick ass…no…but I WILL teach you how to ‘defend’ yourself.” And that is where it started. I was at the gym 3 days a week (from freakin 6:30AM to 9 AM) It went slow at first…and they were some of the hardest workouts that I could ever imagine. He would get me to that point…where the puke is right around the corner and then he’d say, “NOW we can start training.” He explained that if our bodies were tired…we would not over-think the technique…he’s knows best.

It was not long before I started noticing that I was, indeed, getting into shape and was beginning to ‘float’ around the gym…hitting the bags right…and hard while whipping through the stretching and cardio parts of the workouts. That is when he sat me down and said that he was going to include me in his Saturday morning “Breakfast Bunch.” I was quick to ask for an explanation. He said that it was just a bunch of guys that he trains…who get together on Saturday mornings to spar. SPAR….are you fucking kidding me? I about vomited all over him. But…how could I say no?

So when we all met at the gym on Saturday morning I asked Benny if he really thought that I was ready for this or not. His response to me was, “Well, we’ll see. I have to see how you react …under pressure.” What the fuck? He wants to see me get my ass kicked. Talk about the butterflies…kicking the shit out of my stomach. Then after the butterflies get done with me…this group of guys that have been training with him for years...get to have their way with me. It ended up being ok. I found my confidence and held my own…from that point on…I loved Saturday mornings.

For the next several year I worked out with him and had the pleasure of becoming very close with his family. At the gym I worked out with many other fighters (amateur and professional) as well as celebrities. As Benny is a fight choreographer and fight instructor for the movie industry, there were many days that the gym seemed to be more of a celeb-fest than a kickboxing gym. From rock stars to movie actors…they all praised and adored “Sensei.” The best day was when he told me to meet him at another location and that I’d be working out with someone else. He did not say who…just gave the address as to where to meet him. When I got there, Benny showed me in and I almost shit myself…right on the floor of…John Cusack’s private gym. Benny made the introductions …and then “Johnny” proceeded to kick my ass. I did not realize that he was 6’4” and weighed about 220 lbs. He is a big guy. Anyway…that was quite the experience.

Close to the end of my marriage…in 2003…there was so much going on that I had to stop going to the gym. I was quite sad. I was in the best shape of my life, had more self confidence than I’ve ever had …and knew that I could indeed kick some ass.

I miss Benny. I miss my workouts. I miss my fucking, rock hard abs and sub 10% body fat.

DAMN!!!!!!!! Exceeding 40 and not working out can really fuck with a guy!

Fuck you, you fat, lazy, beer drinking, TV watching old man!!!!!

having my shit together

I am going to start by saying that I am a firm believer in organization, preparedness and all around just having my shit together.

Now that school has started up and Summer has come to an end, I thought that I’d get back into the swing of our ‘school year schedule.’ The kids are gone from 8AM until about 4 every day and we finally have time to get things done. Well… at least that is what is supposed to happen. Between our work, after school sports, homework, play dates and our (collectively) new addiction to the blogosphere, shit is still slipping through the cracks.

While grocery shopping the other day, I seem to have forgotten to buy cereal. When I noticed this last night, I went into “the back up storage” to fetch a box to put into the kitchen pantry. Smiling to myself, I was pleased with my preparedness…I actually HAD back-up. I rock…and the kids will eat some tasty Kellogg’s Honey Smacks!!!

13 year old Cody walked into the kitchen this morning to grab some cereal for breakfast and then he looked over at me and said, “ Um…I think this cereal is…a bit old.” I looked over at him, expecting to explain that they are NOT old and that if he wants breakfast…just to eat them. I did not say that…All I could do was laugh. Actually I burst into laughter…after spitting a bit of coffee across the room.

This is what Cody showed me.

Right...that cereal is OUT OF ITS BAG.

I guess one needs to be careful in what items go into the “back-up storage.”

What a great start to my day!!!!

Tropical Storm In My Coochie

OK….Fuck it….I’m just going to get it out in the open.

Maybe it is the overcast day, maybe I am the first guy to get his ‘period’, maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed…but I am a bit …ruffled.

I will begin by saying that I blog for personal therapy, to share my life experiences and to get honest feedback from people about what I go through and what I’ve been through. I am typically not a “hater” and am not very concerned with my blog numbers. What I do care about is the blogging community’s etiquette and bloggers’ respect for each other.

Now I may make some enemies here and, as stated above…I could really NOT give a shit.

Where do I start? I am fairly new to blogging…I started blogging in July and this will be my 103 post. I do my best at networking to find a group of people who like to read what I write…and who I enjoy reading. Not that we need to like everything that each of us writes…but enough so that we visit each other’s blogs and comment on a regular basis.

As far as I am concerned, I do not think that just because I like you…or I have linked to you…that means you need to like me. BUT, out of respect, thanks, etiquette…or whatever…if I visit, read and comment on your blog every day…don’t you think that maybe you could swing by once in a while to leave a “thanks for the visits” comment…just for the sake of it? I am getting really turned off by the people who don’t do that…or can’t find the time to pull their heads out of Dooce’s vagina to drop a thank you to their loyal readers. That makes me think a few things: 1. That they are pompous ass holes that care nothing about their readers…only their numbers. 2. That what they write is over-prepared and lacking in the “this is me” arena. 3. That they are too wrapped up in themselves to remember what being polite means.

I don’t really mean to point fingers here, and I know that the blog/person that I am about to mention is not the only one…but it is one that I have had this very experience with.

OK…To set this up properly, the thing that gets to me is when you read and post on someone and they read and post on your blog…on a regular/daily basis…and then their comments stop while yours continue. Now I know that people loose readers all the time, but in cases like these, it feels more like some of these bloggers think that they’ve risen above the rest of us…that their ‘blogshit’ doesn’t stink and that they are too good for the regular folks. Topping that off, when I see posts on their blogs about their blogging powers, boasting about the number of readers that they have, making a run for the super-popular bloggers and writing made up, fantasy-esc stories about their families (when they claim that their blog is about them and their life)…I feel like kicking them …right in their Analytics!

Yes…I am speaking of Black Hockey Jesus – the guy with Hot Air In HIS Vagina. I have had him on my blogroll for 3 months. I, from the start commented daily. He did the same. I got comments from him on a regular basis. NOW…he has not left a comment since he went on his crusade to ‘beat’ Dooce. I continued reading him and …he is still on my blogroll. I hope that he comes back down to earth. I love his writing and think that he is funny as shit…but He is showing his uncaring, pompous, arrogant side these days. His blogroll only consists of people that get in excess of like 1,000 visits a day and those seem to be the only people that he comments on. Now, with the 30+ comments that he’s gotten so far on the post he put up today…my guess is that about 5 will receive comments from him. That is kind of FUCKED!!!!

Why did he stop commenting on my blog? Have I change my writing style or what I write about lately? NO! Did I bash him or stop reading or commenting on his site? NO! What is it? From what I can piece together…it is solely that his comments on my site will not bring him any new or additional traffic. That is fucked and I hope that when he reads this he can at least take a minute to understand where I am coming from …and maybe leave a comment to tell me why he no longer reads/comments on my blog.

Phew…… Glad I got that off my chest.

Again…he is NOT the only one. There are many mommy and daddy bloggers who are doing the same exact thing…I just saw it most clearly with him.


Shit….I hope he does not track me down and … challenge me to a trampoline contest…or …talk shit to the dead about me.

You all have any thoughts on this subject?

Let "ME" The F Out!!

Dear (10 year old) TentCamper,

I am writing to you today to tell you that no matter how you might feel right now…things WILL change. I know that you are only in fourth grade and that people pick on you, call you names and beat you up, only because your skin is darker than theirs. You need to trust me, I have been exactly where you are right now and if you stay strong and show everyone that you are a nice, likeable boy, you will be fine.

When I was your age the same thing happened to me. I was scared to go to school most days and knew that I was going to be beat up by groups of bigger kids. The butterflies in my stomach were so bad most of the time that I threw up or just went straight into the nurse’s office to hide. I used to fight back, the best I could, but for the most part…I tried to be invisible. I did not want anyone to notice me. I stayed to myself, did not make waves and ALWAYS wanted to be alone. I was very lonely and wanted the other kids to like me…but I was too scared to take any chances.

Do you feel ‘hollow’ like I did? I hope not. It is a horrible way to feel. If you can, take only this advice; be yourself. Let everyone know just how funny, nice, cool and smart you really are. Tear down that wall that you have put up around you. Crawl out of that hole. Open your heart to others…even if you think that they won’t care. There will be no way that they won’t like you. I will tell you - that worked for me.

I was always a very kind, gentle, caring, funny, personable and sensitive child, but I never let other people know …only because I was scared of them. They never saw who I really was. Not until I was in 5th grade…that is when I let ‘ME’ out. And from that point on…not even my skin color could drag away some of the great friends that I’d made.

The last thing that I’d like to say to you…and you can believe me or not…You are going to have a great life. You are going to be important in the lives of many people and the happiness that you are going to bring them will change them forever.

My heart is with you.

TentCamper Sr.

For more great stories , check out Mama's Losin It

Camping At The Gate

So, today is the first day of school for our kids. We have one in Kindergarten, one in Second, one in Fourth, one in Sixth, one in Eighth and one a Junior in High School. Yes…we have our hands full. Between the afterschool sports, Swimming, rock climbing, soccer, lacrosse, karate, homework help, making dinners and lunches…we barely have time to do anything.

I, wanting to step in and help out (be involved) offered both Insane Mama and myself to volunteer at the middle school twice a week for a few hours each day. We will be at the front gate checking people in. Now…I know…what was I thinking?…taking more of our time to sit at the school…we barely have enough time to buy groceries, clean the house, etc.

Now…I don’t know about you, but where we live…there are some VERY difficult parents. The city that we live in is a funny mix of people. Minus the elderly and homeless populations the city is split between, very laid back, cool, beach-going folks who just want to have their kids get a good education and enjoy life….and the very wealthy, snooty, obnoxious, controlling, uptight people who won’t let their kids be kids and who feel the need to get(DEEP) into everyone else’s shit (business).

Last year we did one day at the gate and had a good time. We played Scrabble and had an opportunity to “parent watch.” It was a blast sometimes, watching these ridiculous parents strolling in thinking that rules don’t apply to them and that their kids were the only ones who mattered. Not to mention what some of these freaks wore. It is scary when you see that mother of a 7th grader waltz into the school dressed like a mix between a hooker and a high school slut. How embarrassing is that for the kid? Anyway…we see all kinds and have gotten a kick out of it.

This year…I am having second thoughts…I want to participate with the school (NO PTA for me!!!!) but don’t know if 6 hours a week at the school will drive me insane or not. I guess, more that dressing like a slut…me peeing on people as they enter the school…might embarrass our two kids there.

Well, I have to go soon….and think that if all goes as planned…I will not pee on anyone but will have some decent content to post …twice a week.

Who's In My Tent??????

So…just to tell you all up front, this post is solely out of …nothing else to write…and I think that it is kind of an interesting topic.

Now I will not, formally, say that it has been a topic of discussion or that we’ve done it…or that we’ve even fantasized about it, but I will say that my topic today is something that I think a lot of people talk about, think about and now…there is even a really good TV show (kind of) about it.

This post is going to be about threesomes. Can you safely have them? Will they destroy a relationship? Do one or both partners in the relationship always get jealous? These are my questions.

I will not speak of my past…young TentCamper was a bit of a player and …well…we’ll just keep it at that and go from where my head is and has been recently.

The thought of having a threesome is kind of hot. (Not admitting to waking up…hard as a pillar at Stonehenge at the though) I’d like to think that having threesomes would be a great way to add spice or something different to the mix in the bedroom, but then…what if it ruins a perfectly good relationship? I love Insane Mama and would not want to do anything to ruin that. Now I know that she finds certain women hot…not saying that she follows them around or tries to bed them down…but …we talk. That makes me think that this option is one that could be open to us.

The thought of her fooling around with another hottie in our bed…then both of them turning their attention to me (hold on…typing with one hand is getting ‘hard.’) Anyway…I know that it would not be far fetched for us to give it a shot…but do we even want to go there? What if she wanted me and another guy?

I will speak about me here.
1. I feel that I would have some serious ‘issues’ with another naked man in my bed (see I Am Homophobic)
2. I feel that I would get jealous of another man with her
3. Seeing her with another woman would be…how do you guys say it? HHHHAAAAWWWWTTT (or something like that)
4. Having two women using and abusing me would be nothing that I’d complain about.
BUT
5. I would not want to do anything to make IM jealous or feel hurt.
6. I do want to try new things and have fun…but don’t know if rocking the boat would be a good idea.

We’ve sat and watched Swingers and commented talked about how fun it could be…what a great, open relationship the main swinging couple has and so on. We’ve bee out at bars and, while sitting at the bar or a table…pointed out hot girls and guys to one another.

We do have a very good relationship and , I think, can talk about anything with each other. We have a great sex life (ups and downs…but mostly ups.) We have fun together and enjoy all of the time that we spend together.

“If it ain’t broke…don’t fix it” comes to mind…but so does “Life is not worth living, unless you LIVE it.”