Monday, August 18, 2008

Tent Camping With Black Bears

First off, I’d like to say that this trip to the Sequoia National Forest was to be my first encounter with Black Bears. Before leaving, as most of you know, Insane Mama (and many other people) told me all of their stories about bear encounters up there and I have to admit that as excited as I was, I was a bit nervous.

After our first night camping, I woke to no signs (or stories from other campers) about bears having been in the campground that night. Believe me…I asked just about everyone. I was a bit disappointed and quite honestly…a bit scared to come back to you all with no bear stories. On our second night there, after sitting by the fire and carving a large stick that I’d found into the ‘world’s best bear spear’…to protect us from our impending encounter, we actually opened a big can of baked bean and left them on the table at the site next to ours (nobody was there…we are not that cruel) to see if we could attract a nice big bear that would enjoy this friendly offering. Again with NOTHING! Anyway, we spent two nights at that campground (full post to come) and then decided that maybe we should head deeper into the forest…”where the bears live” for a few nights.

At our second campground, which was DEEP into the National Forest, the campground was a bit on the empty side and we ended up with a pretty cool site, in the woods right on the edge of the Kings River. We drove around the campground until we had found the site that bears would like the most. Again…NOTHING! I got a bit pissed and started “accidentally” dropping food around our site…and even calling into the woods, “bears….oh bears….come out and play”…Along with other ridiculous absurdities. At the site right next to us, there were 2 guys and a woman who were from another country and obviously did not know that being nice…and social with the campers around you was the proper thing to do. We did not like them…for that reason…UNTIL…on the second night, I heard one of the guys from that site yell, “BEAR!” and then start banging on a pan with a rock that he’d picked up. My eyes widened (out of excitement, not fear) and I jumped out of my chair. I turned and called for Insane Mama, who was in the tent …putzing around, to get her ass out of the tent. I grabbed my bear spear and basically threw it at Mariah while I snatched up our camera and ran to catch up with our neighbor, who was trailing the bear, warning the campers ahead of him.

When I reached him (in like 2 seconds), I asked him where the bear was and he pointed ….I saw it! In the dark I saw the outline of a fairly big bear. I had to get closer. I was going to get a picture of this beast. Armed only with my little digital camera, I darted toward the big black outline as he (or she) made it onto a campsite across the way. The bear stopped at the picnic table (where some idiots had left out trail mix and dried dates…I will thank them later.) The bear stood up and cleared things from the table and grabbed what it wanted. Meanwhile, people were yelling, throwing rocks and sticks at the ground near it, banging pans and blowing whistles…all of this while crept forward until I was about 15 feet from it. I started snapping pictures. They were coming out all black…not enough light. I fidgeted with all of the settings, snapping as I went…not really paying any attention to the 500 pound bear who could have reached my position in about 3 seconds if it wanted to. Seeing the bear only through the camera’s viewfinder, I took about 15 pictures before the bear started to move on towards the next loop of campsites. I did not care what the others were doing…I HAD to get a good shot. I trailed the bear into the woods. Once I came to the next campsite, where a large Chinese family was camping, I warned them and asked the dad if he’d seen the bear. I then heard an young voice from inside the tent a young boy’s voice frantically say, “Is it going to eat us? Are we going to DIE?” I, noticing that the bear was gone…and I was the only one who had followed it into the woods, decided to tell the family that they’d be fine and then I turned back through the woods.

As I got back to the site where thee bear took the food, I heard the woman yelling at her ??? husband that he had better get them packed and the hell out of there within the next few minutes. This lady really meant what she was saying. I did not stop, and when I got back to our site, Mariah was sitting by the fire awaiting my triumphant bear story and pictures (although her face said something like this, “ok…what happened? Oooohh….you saw a bear?...wow…want a medal? You really are my hero….NOT!”

Anyway I told her about the “chase” after she informed me that as soon as I tossed my “Bear Spear” to her…she just returned to our site for a glass of wine. I guess seeing a bear was not such a big deal for her. She swiped the camera from my hands and started going through the last bunch of images taken and then looked up at me, shaking her head and said, “there is nothing here…it’s all black.” I told her that with the magic of Photoshop…I could get them to come out.

Here is what I have to show for all of my efforts.


OH....and by the way...bear are NOT attracted to the sweet smell of sex!

In tent, at the river on the rocks, on hiing trails, etc. No problems there!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Tinkle In My Tent

I don’t have much time to write this morning as I have to get 4 kids off to the airport and then get on the road to go camping with Insane Mama.

We will be camping in the Sequoia National Forest for the nest 5 or 6 days and I, being a kind of spur of the moment kind of guy, do not have anything written to schedule for while I am away. That being said…you will not see any new posts from me…other than the one that I will put up shortly.

Please keep your eye on the news for anything on bear attacks, gunmen on the loose, forest fires or any other random violent happenings in the Sequoia National Forest.

We will return (I hope) with lots of pictures and material to post for your enjoyment, next week.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Bears, Balls & Sex

Last night I had a horrendous nightmare…well, I guess it was kind of funny too.

So, Insane Mama and I are going camping up in the Sequoias next week. We are going for 5 nights and it will just be the two of us. Now I have never been there and Insane Mama has been telling me about the bears and that EVERYTHING needs to go into the bear boxes. That the bears will go after pretty much anything; sun block, lotion, food…and the list goes on.

Anyway, my dream last night was one that had me waking up in a cold sweat and clutching my …privates.

So since we are going alone on this little getaway, I know that there will be a bit of beer, a glass or two of wine and...I imagine…a whole lot of sex. We have planned it out where we will be bringing our BIG tent and a queen sized air mattress (we usually camp without the Aero bed, but we plan on doing some bouncing!) We have also decided to bring along our “travel bag”…you know….the one that holds our “adult” gear.

Oh yeah…back to my dream. So, without getting into too much detail. I was wondering if bears would be attracted to “SEX.” The juices, the odor, the taste… (I know for a fact that dogs are…is there a big difference?)

My dream brought me to a horrific place...I woke up in the morning, after a long night of counting money, to find a huge black bear gnawing on my penis and with his claws holding me down by my balls. From deep within my mind I heard this big black monstrosity lean towards me and say, “Just lay there bitch…I’m not done.” Like something out of a bad prison movie.

Then after Butch, the Black Bear was done violating me, I crawled, clutching my genitals (or what was left of them) out of the huge hole in the tent to see a little baby bear cub prancing out of the campground with Insane Mama’s favorite vibrator dangling from its mouth.

PLEASE…IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT BEARS BEING ATTRACTED TO THE SCENT OF SEX…PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

 

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