I Am SOOOOOOOOOOO DEAD!!!!!!!!

I am completely freaked the fuck out right now!!! I woke up about 30 minutes ago from a horrifying nightmare. I don’t know where I was but I was being attacked by birds. They kept swooping down and pecking at my head and face. It was all that I could do to swat them away. I was able to catch a few as they came in, and would just twist their heads around until I felt them snap. After taking out a half dozen or so, I saw a huge flock flying in….and that is when I woke up.

But when I did…I found Mariah’s bird Sammy…dead….in a crumpled pile next to me.

WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO? Mariah is out back with her grandmother and has been since early this morning….she must have brought the bird up to our room earlier and…. OH SHIT! I don’t know what I am going to say to her when she gets in. SHIT FUCK!!!!!



APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Terrets In My Tent

So, all of these years that I am thinking that I am crazy….I figure I can find out right away by posting some shit right here.

I sometimes (a lot) have these random, fragmented thoughts…sometimes just in my head…and sometimes I feel the need to just blurt them out. NO….I do not have turrets.

I can just be sitting around with people or alone and say, “24, 16, 9, 7, 46, 18, turtle, banana, ocean, five times fast.” or something like, "oh, I wish I were an Oscar Myer wiener..." while walking around the house.

That is no exaggeration. I mean it does not go on all the time and it is not an every day thing, but regularly enough where Mariah has started finishing those ‘sentences’ for me….How fucked is THAT?

Does anyone else do this? Am I the only one? Do I need professional help?

3 Fucking Years!!!!!!

You ever have something that you really want to do (for many reasons) and you just can’t seem to get it done…no matter how hard you try?

Well that is MY LIFE!

As you all know…I married the wrong bitch-ass, cunt, troll, psycho person the first time around. We separated in September of 2005 and the divorce proceedings started shortly afterward.

Now…3 FUCKING YEARS LATER…I still can’t seem to get the freakin troll off my back!

I love my two young boys (who live with their motherfucker) to death…but I want the legal issues to be finalized so that there is no more back and forth and we can all move on.
I fell in love with Mariah (Insane Mama) and her kids…I want to marry her, but I can’t until my divorce is finalized.
I want to be able to get along ok with mongoloid cunt…but she is a nasty, backstabbing piece of shit…and I have to say that I’ve had some pretty evil thoughts about her…and her well being…and continue to find myself smiling after each thought.

How can a divorce case last more than 3 years when there is no fight over money or property? Well…let me tell you:

She has ‘changed’ lawyers 4 times…each time the new one would be granted a continuance.
She has come to every court appearance with long lists of accusations, which the judge (by law) has to examine.
She makes a point to state at every opportunity that she will not agree to, but is willing to ‘discuss’ overnight visits down the road…knowing that that is what I want…so we have to go back to court and fight again.

On another note….but about as frustrating…I had this throat problem since last December, where I irritatingly clear my throat every 5 minutes or so…EVERY DAY!!! At first I thought that I was just a bit sick, then tried some random over the counter meds that by reading them I thought might work. Then I went to see my Dr. who told me that it must be an allergy….although the allergist and blood work up that I had done said that I am not allergic to anything. My doc put me on Zyrtec D and the shit stopped…after about 2 weeks…but in the meantime…I got a cold and now, although not clearing my throat…I can’t get rid of my hacking cough. Just another thing that I just can’t seem to have ‘closure’ with.

TALK ABOUT PEEING IN THE WIND!

I Am Alive !!!!

Hello everyone. Sorry for the long absence. Yes...the tent has been empty for the past month. I just needed to take some time to get my head on right and get the "tent" in order.

Believe me...I have saved up some extra special pee for you all. I will get some stuff typed up and posted for yu guys very soon.

For a minute...I thought that there was only room for one Super Blogger in my tent....but I suppose...together...we have some insane pee to spray on you all.

Hold tight for my visits and posts

TentCampress And His Moon

I may have to see some sort of doctor…or scientists or something. Why you ask? Well, as most of you know, I live with Insane Mama and her 3 daughters and her son. The women in the house are 9, 11, 16 and, well, Insane Mama is in her 30’s.

I know that when women/girls who live together often start to ‘synchronize’ with their periods (or ‘moons’ as we call it here in the house of insanity.)

Now the reason that I may be in need of some sort of specialist is because I think that I may be….’synchronizing’. Right around the time that Insane Mama and 16 year old Amanda are entering into their spell of Pre Moon Syndrome (PMS), I start to crave ALL food, I get cranky, short tempered, I get cramps (from gas) and nothing that goes on in my life (for that week span) is ever right…or good enough.

I am scared! I say that cuz…what is next? I fear that I’ll wake up one morning lying in a pool of my own blood. Where will I bleed from? Shit that scares me!

With all of the others in the house…my irritability is irrational. It makes no sense. There is no logical reason for my MOODS and I have no way of explaining what is happening. I try to equate it with men’s sympathy pains during pregnancies…but that does not fly around here. When the two eldest females of the house are…irrational…I am the one who is supposed to be there to hold down the fort.

Now I don’t want any of you to feel bold enough to say something like, “maybe you are part woman and you actually GET PMS.” Or, “that maybe I am turning into a woman. That shit don’t fly on my blog!

Anyway…I don’t know if I need a doctor, a scientist/researcher or a freaking shrink.

PLEASE HELP ME!!!

Remote Fun - Continued

We hung out there for a little bit…then we started talking to some of the people playing darts. It was obvious to us that they had seen how we were groping one another by the way they were inconspicuously watching every one of our hand movements. We …kind of liked that. We continued our playfulness…not trying to hide any of it. It seemed to be turning the other couple on a bit and …we liked having that effect on them. The few times that I ‘buzzed’ her while talking with the other couple. I saw Mariah move her hand to her nether region while letting out a slight moan. I knew that the other woman had put two and two together and offered up a slight smile and approving nod to Mariah.

After another drink, Mariah and I moved back over to the bar area and squeezed onto two empty bar stools. This gave me the ‘access’ that I had been wanting. She sat facing me…with her legs slightly spread. I watched as they opened and closed every time I hit my little secret button. We sat, making small talk while I worked one of my hands up her thigh…to her incredibly wet panties. Her thighs clenched around my hand…keeping it in place. Rubbing her in small circles, I felt her rocking back and forth on her stool…pushing herself into my roaming fingers. My hand felt as if I’d been soaking it in hot, sweet massage oil. I slowly pulled my hand back, careful to keep all of her sweetness on my fingers. I began raising my hand, to my mouth when she quickly grabbed me by the wrist and pulled my soaking fingers to her lips. Not caring who was watching, she began licking and sucking on each of my wet fingers. I was rock hard. I raised my glass, indicated a toast and downed the rest of my beer…she followed in suit. I jumped up from my stool, realizing that both my pants had an obvious bulge in them and she had left an unmistakable wet spot on the stool that she had just jumped off. I led her by the hand to the front door of the bar. Once outside, I pulled her around the corner into the alley. It only took a second for my trained eyes to find a slightly dark spot for us to slide into. ‘Our spot’ was not completely out of sight…but enough for us. Being seen…was a bit exciting.


TO BE CONTINUED…….

Remote Fun

I give My Love the sexy new panties, with a remote controlled vibrator built-in, that I just found at our local ‘adult store.’ I tell her that we are going to go out for a drink. As we walk up to the door of our favorite English Pub, I turn to her and tell her that I want to see her squirm. She gives me a sweet smile, accompanied by a look that you would get from a puppy dog who saw the big piece of steak that you were holding behind your back.

We walk in and I tell her that I am going to run into the bathroom and that she should order us a few beers. As I come out of the bathroom, I see that she has wiggled her way up to the busy bar…and she was trying to get the attention of the bartender.

Wedged between a cluster of people, all trying to refill their drinks, I thought that it would be a good time to test the range of our new toy. With the press of a button, from inside my pocket, I instantly saw her jump a bit and then look around…expecting me to be right behind her. I was still about 25 feet away and blocked by a group of people playing darts.

I moved a bit closer and, leaning up against a post, gave her another quick little buzzzzz. She quickly turned her head, not seeing me…but smiling intently anyway. As the bartender approached her and I saw her begin to order…I hit her again…this time…I made it last a few seconds. I could see that while I was pressing that little special button in my pocket, it was as if I pressed the ‘pause’ button. She froze for a few seconds…mouth gaping…and eyes twinkling.

I approached her from behind and put my hand on the small of her back while pressing the button again….on…then off, on…the off… She turned to me and asked me how in the hell was she going to be able to order our drinks if I kept doing that. I smiled and just told her how hot she looked while getting a love jolt while trying to order drinks.

We stood there, in the middle of a big group of bar patrons…waiting to get our beers. I asked her how her new little ‘treat’ was. She smiled and responded with, “I hope to hell this thing is water proof.” I moved in close to her and gently slid my hand between her thighs…slowly moving up her skirt. Pressing the button again, I felt the vibration through her hot, wet panties.

Keeping the button pressed, I wet my fingers with her sweet, hot juice. After bringing my fingers up to my mouth and licking them clean, I smiled and winked at her and then grabbed her face and kissed her. I could tell that she could taste herself…the way that her tongue wiped mine clean. She looked me in the eyes and said, “I think I’m kind of liking this.”

We grabbed our drinks and made our way through the crowded room and found a little spot near the dart boards where we could put our drinks down and continue people watching, watching dart games and …our little sexual exchange. Off and on, I had been pressing the button…watching her miss a step and stutter a bit. I slid my hand under her skirt once more…this time I felt her juices literally dripping down her upper thighs. I looked down at the floor…expecting to see a small pool of ‘love’…then I caressed every part of her body with my eyes, until we made eye contact. She just nodded and said, “Oh yeah.”

Her hands then started wandering…brushing over the front of my pants…finding me completely hard…she gave me a gentle squeeze. I gave her a little buzz…in return I got a slight stroke. I liked this give and take. We kissed again. Grinding on her…I could feel the vibrating in my groin…oh…this is good.


TO BE CONTINUED - PART 2

Notes From The Planet EX

The following is a sampling of some of the recent emails that I’ve gotten from the EX.
I am convinced that she is COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL...what do you think?


Chris,

We already know how it will go based on past experience and I know what is best for my boys who I am with everyday. I am the one that has to deal with them not getting up for school and being cranky the next AM.
I was hoping you would finally work with me but if I have to go to court to have visitation amended, I will since you are being unreasonable and unwilling to make a small change that is in the boys best interest. I'm sure the judge will agree as usual. .

But I guess I shouldn't expect cooperation from people who let 11 year olds operate motor craft and don't call 911 when someone overdoses to protect them from CPS. I suppose its my obligation to report such issues and concerns too. Good thing I grabbed screen shots about the not calling 911 and fear of CPS before that was removed.

I owe my lawyer $20000 thanks to having to go to court with your unfit self, so I had to cut him loose. I can't afford his bills when I am raising the boys. But he will finish the work he was retained for and he referred me to another great but more affordable lawyer to take over from here.
-----

Hi -

I know we agreed to 930a - 530p this Sunday but is there any way you can come earlier just this Sunday? You can still bring them back @ 530p but my plans got moved around a bit so it would make a huge difference if you could help me out by picking them up as early as possible.

I know you're probably not inclined to help me, but perhaps we can finally put all the craziness aside and this could be a first step in trying to help each other instead of working against each other? My friend, Kim, who you met at Jack's school has such a good relationship with he ex-husband (and his new wife) despite some very similar issues they went through, and I'd like for us all to get in a similar place someday and just put the past aside. I think I finally see that you have the boys' best interests at heart and wouldn't do anything to hurt/damage them, and I'd just like to move forward. All this drama is exhausting.

Let me know what you think.
-----

I know you emailed Jim too.

And I'm sorry that it is sad for you, I really am, but these are people that are VERY ACTIVE -- as in almost daily -- in our lives. We go on vacations with Jim and his family, he's like an uncle to the boys and has become like my brother over the past few years. He has really been there for us. And you know already that Linda and I are very close.

I will leave it up to them but I just think its very hard. -- especially because these two men are so close to me.

I too am happy that we seem to be getting along better and I hope we can keep it that way, but Eric and Jim have been huge parts of my support system during the very bad times and I think that it will be very hard to maintain active friendships.

I really don't want you to think I'm being intentionally mean, territorial or anything. I also don't want to speak for them...I just wanted to relay that Jim and Eric and very important people in our lives and it will be very weird -- for all -- to try to reconstruct what you had with them before.
-----

Jaden's camp counselor just told me that he said something about going to the beach with you and the waves had carried him far off to the side and he couldn't see you (? Not sure exactly what he means) and he couldn't see you. Apparently she asked who was with him and he said no one, that the adults weren't in the water.

I haven't talked to Jaden yet, but the boys have just learned how to swim literally this summer and don't go to the beach often, so I would feel much more comfortable if you could stay close to them if possible. We also know someone whose 6 year old just died a couple of months ago (drowned in a pool and his parents were literally right there...and he could swim -- it was because of it that I pit the boys in a 10 day intensive swim class) so I'm extra sensitive about it.
-----

I know…he has been lying a lot about little things and it has been going on for some time. I address it with him and his therapist has been working on it. And, yes, he has a lot of anger and jealously about Mariah and her kids that he hasn’t told me about but that does come up with his therapist. She has been working with him on it. But, I really don’t think he would steal anything…maybe intentionally hide it.

I also recently started seeing someone pretty seriously who he’s not happy about either. He has been acting out more again and we think it’s about that, even though he hasn’t met him yet but he knows of him. I was actually supposed to go away with him this weekend but cancelled my trip because Jaden was so unhappy / acting out. His behavior has been a problem and we’re working hard on it. I think it really is just a product of everything that has gone on…Jack was so young but Jaden had to deal with a lot.

Anyway, we’re working on it and I will let you know if I can find out anything about the iPod.
-----

I’m still so pissed off about this. Jaden says he didn’t touch it and I believe him. YOU, as his FATHER, should believe him. He admitted to scribbling on Megan’s book. He told me about it too. He is angry and he is a CHILD. He acts out. The fact that you are accusing him of doing something to someone in your new family without being sensitive to the child that put up with so much trauma because of YOU and because of MARIAH and that you are sticking up for those kids and throwing yours under a bus is so sad.

I have been trying to take the high road lately and brush all the crap that has gone on, the crap that I read about that makes me want to keep my boys far away from you and Mariah, the crap that others tell me, the fact that you don’t support your own children and all you get $10,000 checks for doing nothing from Mariah’s family while I work my tail off to support the kids you also brought into this world… I have been trying to forget all that just to civil for the sake of Jaden and Jack.

But this really pushed me over the edge. That, combined with Mariah’s evil comments about MY CHILDREN.
-----

Things were going well
...and then you and Mariah decided to accuse Jaden of something he didn’t do. And now posting half-truths about me on her blog. Why did I send you the emails I did? Because I am defending MY AMAZING SON that you and she judged.

Everything was FINE until you guys accused Jaden of stealing and then MARIAH posted about Jaden on Twitter. Even if it’s gone now, I saw it and grabbed a screenshot and it was WRONG.YOU and MARIAH are the ones that decided to get nasty – not with me, but with MY SON.

This isn’t about me – I don’t care WHAT you think about me. And, all of the friends you miss so much want nothing to do with you – they are still my friends…even “RM, the actor” – he didn’t get famous and fall out of the circle, he was also disgusted by you.

The reason I am mad is because you turned on your OWN SON and Mariah, who has NO RIGHT TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT JADEN decided to get nasty about him.

And boy, was that a mistake because I am about to use every freaking bit of ammunition I have been holding back in court again. I will NOT have my boys around people like her who don’t treat them the way they should be treated. If my boyfriend treated the boys badly or said evil things about them, you wouldn’t be happy either. Of course, I would never be with someone like that.
-----

In the morning.

I would have Mariah quit bad mouthing me on Twitter and talking about something she doesn’t know about. Isn’t it bad enough that your son hates you? Bad mouthing their mother isn’t going to help.
-----

We have a conflict on 9/21 so unfortunately you will have to miss the visit that day.

Also - we will need to go back to court to discuss visitation in light of some serious issues that have been brought up - including that Jaden was injured at your home on his last visit because you allowed him and Jack to jump out of a window multiple times, my concerns about your drinking as well as the stability of the others in your household and their influence on Jaden and Jack.

You will receive notice of the court date via mail.
-----

MY LAST EMAIL TO HER SAID THAT I DO NOT WANT HER TO EMAIL ME ANYMORE.

I can not deal with her BS anymore!

I wish I were a Jason Bourne-like sniper

As my first ‘Private’ post, I thought it proper of me to offer up some sort of explanation as to my desire to pee a bit more stealthily.

WARNING: This post WILL contain VULGAR language and TRAMATIC imagery.

As many of you know, I took my blog ‘private’ because my (soon to be) ex wife and her friends have been reading it…and using much of what I write against me.

I will give you all a bit of background and will do my best to get you up to date on where things stand as of today.

About 4 years ago, I realized that the woman that I fell in love with 18 years ago…was not the same woman that I married…actually, she was not a woman at all (not the way some of you sick, twisted fuckers are thinking) she was actually a psychotic, self-centered, fake-as-shit, fat, ugly, deceitful, non-sexual, nasty, egotistical, loud-mouth, fucking bitch of a person…but she IS…my baby’s mama. Even to this day...every time see or talk to her...it takes every inch of my will power not to vomit or poke her eyes out, knock her down and piss all over her.

It was September of 2005 when I finally had had enough of her and all of the shit that she dished out to me. Leaving was a very hard decision. I had two small boys, 4 and 1 1/2 , I knew though, that staying would be misery for us all.

The divorce proceedings began in December of 2005 and are STILL looming over my head. I am here, lingering in some divorce court limbo with that demon I was married to jabbing me in the face with her pitchfork at every opportunity.

Now, I understand her being upset with me…and I understand her general dislike for Insane Mama, but her tactics are so out of control that …. Well, let’s just say that I’ve had dreams that include; blood, severed body parts, ripped out intestines, wild animal attacks…well…I guess you know what I am getting at.

I will just name a few of the things that CUNT has done in her attempts to attack both Insane Mama and myself:
1. Refused to let me see or talk to my boys for almost a year
2. Insisted, in court, that a professional monitor must accompany me on all visits with the boys
3. Accused me of being an uncontrollable drug addict
4. Filed (and received) a restraining order against Insane Mama (provided fraudulent documents in court)
5. Changed lawyers every 6 months (for 3 years now) to slow the whole court process down
6. Schedules family trips and doctor appointments on my visitation days and does not offer opportunity for me to make up the visits
6.When I call the boys (every night) she puts the phone on speaker and monitors every word
7. Tells the boys to say things to me on the phone when we talk (i.e. “mommy wanted me to tell you about my play again…she said that maybe your were drunk or something and forgot.”
8. Is accusing me in court of neglect because my 7 year old got a scratch on his knee
9. Spends her free time trolling my and Insane Mama’s blogs for content that she thinks she can use in court against me
10. Published a whole blog to trash me and disparage my blog and my name
11. Continually threatens to call CPS on Insane Mama

12. Emails me stating how fucked up Insane Mama and her kids are...that they are nasty, white trash, uneducated losers.

Well…the list goes on…but I will spare you the additional 1,000 words.

Please catch up with: the backstory...an the backstory 2

Now...Everyone sing with me

(in the tune of the old Oscar Meyer commercials)

"Oh, I wish I were a Jason Bourne-like sniper...I'd be rid of nasty bitch, and finally free.

There's nothing she could do to make me like her...All I want to do is vomit and pee!"

As this story has...a lot of…substance…I will have to say that this post is…
TO BE CONTINUED…

one with the cart...one with the coupons

The domesticated, mature, sensible, man that I am….I do make runs to the grocery store. I like to go with Insane Mama. We work well as a team. One with the cart, one with the coupons…and both people watching.

Walking into the store, we have our mission and the plan of attack is simple. It seems though that after poking, prodding and squeezing everything in the first aisle (produce of course) we tend to get a bit bored. Not that grocery shopping for a gaggle of children is supposed to be fun…but yes…we get bored.

That is when we usually split up…not saying anything to each other…but both of us know what is coming. Insane Mama heads for the woman’s “personal feminine products” and I do a bee line for the beloved selection of condoms, lubes and such. After loading our cart with a nice assortment of “unmentionables” we head back to begin rummaging through the second aisle.

Why did we collect such an assortment of ‘goodies’ you ask? I’ll explain why this has become one of our favorite shopping pastimes.

You see…about 2 years ago…while at the grocery store. We were strolling along when this couple walked by…they were obviously in a bit of a tiff. Both glaring at one another and exchanging nasty comments. I thought it would be funny to, ‘stealthly’ drop a tube of “Tingly K-Y Jelly” into their basket when they were not looking. We followed them around the store until IT happened. The woman saw the K-Y and freaked on him. She was mortified…and the guy seemed to not know how to hold back a smile…while denying putting it into the cart.

We got a kick out of it and it has become a …shopping tradition.

Tampons for gay men, condoms for gay women, sex lube for snooty women and couples, lube for college kids, personal 'massagers' for prude looking women, extra large condoms for couples…and 65+ men, etc.

It tends to be the funniest if they don’t realize that the products are there until that are loading everything onto the register belt thingy. The looks on their faces are priceless. They always look at the cashier and the people right behind them to see who saw.

Anyway, I am SURE that the security personnel (the people watching the camera monitors) talk about us in their national corporate meetings.

Am I…are we…TOO CHILDISH?

Camping At The Gate

So, today is the first day of school for our kids. We have one in Kindergarten, one in Second, one in Fourth, one in Sixth, one in Eighth and one a Junior in High School. Yes…we have our hands full. Between the afterschool sports, Swimming, rock climbing, soccer, lacrosse, karate, homework help, making dinners and lunches…we barely have time to do anything.

I, wanting to step in and help out (be involved) offered both Insane Mama and myself to volunteer at the middle school twice a week for a few hours each day. We will be at the front gate checking people in. Now…I know…what was I thinking?…taking more of our time to sit at the school…we barely have enough time to buy groceries, clean the house, etc.

Now…I don’t know about you, but where we live…there are some VERY difficult parents. The city that we live in is a funny mix of people. Minus the elderly and homeless populations the city is split between, very laid back, cool, beach-going folks who just want to have their kids get a good education and enjoy life….and the very wealthy, snooty, obnoxious, controlling, uptight people who won’t let their kids be kids and who feel the need to get(DEEP) into everyone else’s shit (business).

Last year we did one day at the gate and had a good time. We played Scrabble and had an opportunity to “parent watch.” It was a blast sometimes, watching these ridiculous parents strolling in thinking that rules don’t apply to them and that their kids were the only ones who mattered. Not to mention what some of these freaks wore. It is scary when you see that mother of a 7th grader waltz into the school dressed like a mix between a hooker and a high school slut. How embarrassing is that for the kid? Anyway…we see all kinds and have gotten a kick out of it.

This year…I am having second thoughts…I want to participate with the school (NO PTA for me!!!!) but don’t know if 6 hours a week at the school will drive me insane or not. I guess, more that dressing like a slut…me peeing on people as they enter the school…might embarrass our two kids there.

Well, I have to go soon….and think that if all goes as planned…I will not pee on anyone but will have some decent content to post …twice a week.

Who's In My Tent??????

So…just to tell you all up front, this post is solely out of …nothing else to write…and I think that it is kind of an interesting topic.

Now I will not, formally, say that it has been a topic of discussion or that we’ve done it…or that we’ve even fantasized about it, but I will say that my topic today is something that I think a lot of people talk about, think about and now…there is even a really good TV show (kind of) about it.

This post is going to be about threesomes. Can you safely have them? Will they destroy a relationship? Do one or both partners in the relationship always get jealous? These are my questions.

I will not speak of my past…young TentCamper was a bit of a player and …well…we’ll just keep it at that and go from where my head is and has been recently.

The thought of having a threesome is kind of hot. (Not admitting to waking up…hard as a pillar at Stonehenge at the though) I’d like to think that having threesomes would be a great way to add spice or something different to the mix in the bedroom, but then…what if it ruins a perfectly good relationship? I love Insane Mama and would not want to do anything to ruin that. Now I know that she finds certain women hot…not saying that she follows them around or tries to bed them down…but …we talk. That makes me think that this option is one that could be open to us.

The thought of her fooling around with another hottie in our bed…then both of them turning their attention to me (hold on…typing with one hand is getting ‘hard.’) Anyway…I know that it would not be far fetched for us to give it a shot…but do we even want to go there? What if she wanted me and another guy?

I will speak about me here.
1. I feel that I would have some serious ‘issues’ with another naked man in my bed (see I Am Homophobic)
2. I feel that I would get jealous of another man with her
3. Seeing her with another woman would be…how do you guys say it? HHHHAAAAWWWWTTT (or something like that)
4. Having two women using and abusing me would be nothing that I’d complain about.
BUT
5. I would not want to do anything to make IM jealous or feel hurt.
6. I do want to try new things and have fun…but don’t know if rocking the boat would be a good idea.

We’ve sat and watched Swingers and commented talked about how fun it could be…what a great, open relationship the main swinging couple has and so on. We’ve bee out at bars and, while sitting at the bar or a table…pointed out hot girls and guys to one another.

We do have a very good relationship and , I think, can talk about anything with each other. We have a great sex life (ups and downs…but mostly ups.) We have fun together and enjoy all of the time that we spend together.

“If it ain’t broke…don’t fix it” comes to mind…but so does “Life is not worth living, unless you LIVE it.”

A Love Affair

In the absence of coming up with something interesting and pertinent to write about today, I thought that I’d come clean on a very sensitive relationship issue. I know that this may cause some waves here at home, but…you know me….I Pee In The Wind.

Well, without beating around the bush…I’ll just come right out and say it.

I am having two love affairs! There …I said it. I don’t want you all to think that I am a bad person…or a foolish man for saying this where I know that Insane Mama will read all about it. I think that she already has some suspicions. I know that she sees me staring and smiling at them. She hears the discrete words of affection that drift from my mouth. And I’m sure that she does not miss the fireworks that go off within my eyes when I see them.

I don’t really try to hide these yearnings and strong emotions…and Insane Mama has hinted that she may be willing to share me with these two other loves. Now one of them has been my mistress for more than ten years and since that has been going so well, I picked up my newest love just a few years ago. Combined, their mix of beauty, sex appeal, no strings relationships…the fact that they will go anywhere with me and that…tingly feeling that I get inside when with them…is something that I don’t want to let go of.

When you read this Insane Mama…please know that YOU come first…always…But I do think that a foursome (all of us together) would be a great way for us to explore new things together.





That being said….I’d like you all to meet my mistresses.








The smooth refreshing wave of chilly goodness that flows from a bottle of Boston’s Samuel Adams Boston Lager mixed with the sexy wiggle of my collection of hula bobble dancers…makes me smile…every time I see them.

Wow….that was not as hard as I had thought.

…..Are you allowed to do that?

Walking through the aisles of our local drug store, Insane Mama was sifting through the hordes of face creams, lotions and conditioners…shit that I know NOTHING about…Irish Spring does everything that I need. Anyway, as I wandered around the store…I just happened to find myself in front of “the goods.” Yes…by ”the goods” I mean…the section with all of the lubes, condoms…and “personal massagers.” I have no idea how I got there…I was NOT looking for them.

So, back to my story. I found it amusing to play with some of the sample “massagers” that they had out. Went from one to the next, examining them, turning them on…I NEVER touched any of then to the front of my pants! As I was having my fun checking them all out….I let out a frightened scream, “BBBBLLLLLAAAAAAAHHHHHH! Which I’m sure could have been heard all over the store.

All the sudden, Mariah came running around the corner and asked me what I was yelling about. So I explained to her what I had been doing…and then showed her what had frightened me. As I delicately picked up one of the banana shaped “personal massagers” and lifted it into the light, I pointed with my finger to the large black pubic hair caught in a seam on the ‘business end’ of the little vibrating thing.

As I threw it back on the shelf, we both looked at each other, internally puked and proceeded to remark how gross that was…while engaging in fits of uncontrollable laughter.

Did someone actually come into the store turn that thing on and stuff it down their pants?
…..Are you allowed to do that?

Tinkle on a Tourist

As someone who is pretty straight forward and an avid People Watcher, I don’t think that I’ve mentioned to you all – until now – that “tourists” really get under my skin. Now, I know that pretty much everyone, including me, has been a tourist at one point or another, but…come on…if you are going to be a tourist, don’t act or dress like one. The strength that it is taking me now to hold back the burst of laughter (accompanied by indiscrete finger pointing) or the barely controllable urges to vomit is getting out of control.

I guess that it is the combination of many “tourist attributes” that get to me:
What they wear – black socks with sandals, fanny packs, camera around shoulder, clothing that is obviously NOT appropriate for where they are, etc.
How they talk – usually VERY loud, not in English, etc.
How they act – 9 times out of ten not polite, as if they are more important than any of us, disrespectful to people and the local environment

I don’t know…I mean I know that if I were visiting China, I would not be speaking Chinese or wearing a big sun hat or a Bruce Lee outfit, but I would try to fit in. I would show respect and do what I could to blend in. That being said, I have a hard time justifying my irritation towards tourists, but it still thrives. Maybe I am just a bad person…maybe I need to relax and just accept them as who they are. Fuck that! They annoy the shit out of me.

On our recent trip to the Sequoia National Forest, Insane Mama and I found ourselves utterly in awe of the immense number of tourists visiting form countries all over the world. It kind of makes me think of how lucky we are to live somewhere that everyone wants to visit, but at the same time….DO NOT come to my country and into MY FOREST and push me or walk in front of me while I am taking a picture. DO NOT show up with your family of 7 for a .5 mile FLAT hike with EVERYONE carrying brand new, telescoping walking sticks!(….even the freaking children). DO NOT Pass me on a hike without saying hello. DO NOT wear high heels and a dress for a hike through the woods. DO NOT skip looking in the mirror, at your outfit, if you are going somewhere. DO NOT allow your 4 children to run down to jump, scream and splash around in a river – right where 2 adults are trying to enjoy a quiet moment together. IT IS A BIG FUCKING RIVER!

NO…It was not just this trip. My last trips to water parks, amusement parks, beaches…..even the freaking GAP…all the same. Can we post some rules, basic ethics, manners, code of conduct….or whatever AT EVERY international airport so that sensitive (that is what I will call it) people, like me, can enjoy our nation’s visitors? Maybe we could start a Tourist Patrol...like he borde patrol...to monitor and correct improper behaviors.

PLEASE know that I am in NO WAY racist or have anything against foreigners….it IS the TOURIST mentality that I pee upon.

Ansel TentCamper

I know that you all think that I am some kind of rambling, psychotic, uncaring, maniac, sexaholic who just walks around and pees all over the place…but I am not...not all of the time.

I can honestly say that while camping in the Sequoia’s…I found …the softer side of TentCamper.

I also found …….. MY NEW BLOGGER ICON (PICTURE) !!!!!!!!!!!

Well...........WAHT DO YOU THINK?

Tent Camping With Black Bears

First off, I’d like to say that this trip to the Sequoia National Forest was to be my first encounter with Black Bears. Before leaving, as most of you know, Insane Mama (and many other people) told me all of their stories about bear encounters up there and I have to admit that as excited as I was, I was a bit nervous.

After our first night camping, I woke to no signs (or stories from other campers) about bears having been in the campground that night. Believe me…I asked just about everyone. I was a bit disappointed and quite honestly…a bit scared to come back to you all with no bear stories. On our second night there, after sitting by the fire and carving a large stick that I’d found into the ‘world’s best bear spear’…to protect us from our impending encounter, we actually opened a big can of baked bean and left them on the table at the site next to ours (nobody was there…we are not that cruel) to see if we could attract a nice big bear that would enjoy this friendly offering. Again with NOTHING! Anyway, we spent two nights at that campground (full post to come) and then decided that maybe we should head deeper into the forest…”where the bears live” for a few nights.

At our second campground, which was DEEP into the National Forest, the campground was a bit on the empty side and we ended up with a pretty cool site, in the woods right on the edge of the Kings River. We drove around the campground until we had found the site that bears would like the most. Again…NOTHING! I got a bit pissed and started “accidentally” dropping food around our site…and even calling into the woods, “bears….oh bears….come out and play”…Along with other ridiculous absurdities. At the site right next to us, there were 2 guys and a woman who were from another country and obviously did not know that being nice…and social with the campers around you was the proper thing to do. We did not like them…for that reason…UNTIL…on the second night, I heard one of the guys from that site yell, “BEAR!” and then start banging on a pan with a rock that he’d picked up. My eyes widened (out of excitement, not fear) and I jumped out of my chair. I turned and called for Insane Mama, who was in the tent …putzing around, to get her ass out of the tent. I grabbed my bear spear and basically threw it at Mariah while I snatched up our camera and ran to catch up with our neighbor, who was trailing the bear, warning the campers ahead of him.

When I reached him (in like 2 seconds), I asked him where the bear was and he pointed ….I saw it! In the dark I saw the outline of a fairly big bear. I had to get closer. I was going to get a picture of this beast. Armed only with my little digital camera, I darted toward the big black outline as he (or she) made it onto a campsite across the way. The bear stopped at the picnic table (where some idiots had left out trail mix and dried dates…I will thank them later.) The bear stood up and cleared things from the table and grabbed what it wanted. Meanwhile, people were yelling, throwing rocks and sticks at the ground near it, banging pans and blowing whistles…all of this while crept forward until I was about 15 feet from it. I started snapping pictures. They were coming out all black…not enough light. I fidgeted with all of the settings, snapping as I went…not really paying any attention to the 500 pound bear who could have reached my position in about 3 seconds if it wanted to. Seeing the bear only through the camera’s viewfinder, I took about 15 pictures before the bear started to move on towards the next loop of campsites. I did not care what the others were doing…I HAD to get a good shot. I trailed the bear into the woods. Once I came to the next campsite, where a large Chinese family was camping, I warned them and asked the dad if he’d seen the bear. I then heard an young voice from inside the tent a young boy’s voice frantically say, “Is it going to eat us? Are we going to DIE?” I, noticing that the bear was gone…and I was the only one who had followed it into the woods, decided to tell the family that they’d be fine and then I turned back through the woods.

As I got back to the site where thee bear took the food, I heard the woman yelling at her ??? husband that he had better get them packed and the hell out of there within the next few minutes. This lady really meant what she was saying. I did not stop, and when I got back to our site, Mariah was sitting by the fire awaiting my triumphant bear story and pictures (although her face said something like this, “ok…what happened? Oooohh….you saw a bear?...wow…want a medal? You really are my hero….NOT!”

Anyway I told her about the “chase” after she informed me that as soon as I tossed my “Bear Spear” to her…she just returned to our site for a glass of wine. I guess seeing a bear was not such a big deal for her. She swiped the camera from my hands and started going through the last bunch of images taken and then looked up at me, shaking her head and said, “there is nothing here…it’s all black.” I told her that with the magic of Photoshop…I could get them to come out.

Here is what I have to show for all of my efforts.

OH....and by the way...bear are NOT attracted to the sweet smell of sex!

In tent, at the river on the rocks, on hiing trails, etc. No problems there!

I Peed In The Sequoias !!!!

Ok Folks….No need to worry…Insane Mama and I are back from Sequoia and King’s Canyon.

I have to say that it was one of the most incredible camping trips that I have ever been on. We stayed at 3 different campgrounds, saw some HUGE-ASS trees, frolicked in streams and rivers, hiked to waterfalls and famous meadows, made friends with forest creatures (mostly Insane Mama), tracked rampaging bears at night ….and lastly, saved the Sequoias from burning down today.

Posts on all of the above will be forthcoming and I hope that the post I had up whilst away did not turn any of you into ‘haters.’

I have to run and help IM unpack the car….damn!

I’ll be catching up with you all this evening.

Tinkle In My Tent

I don’t have much time to write this morning as I have to get 4 kids off to the airport and then get on the road to go camping with Insane Mama.

We will be camping in the Sequoia National Forest for the nest 5 or 6 days and I, being a kind of spur of the moment kind of guy, do not have anything written to schedule for while I am away. That being said…you will not see any new posts from me…other than the one that I will put up shortly.

Please keep your eye on the news for anything on bear attacks, gunmen on the loose, forest fires or any other random violent happenings in the Sequoia National Forest.

We will return (I hope) with lots of pictures and material to post for your enjoyment, next week.

A Fork In The Eye

This post will be another fine example of TentCamper’s ability to pee into the wind…or at least an example of my inane ability to attract bad luck. Now this ability is not something that I was born with, it is a skill that was honed. Proof that there is a warrior within this big-bladdered tenter.

Since I started blogging, I’ve not only had a continuous string of comments and the ever-present Insane Mama sticking forks in my eyes about my horrendous spelling and grammar mistakes on both my posts and the comments that I leave for others. For the most part I shrug and don’t really care if someone thinks my spelling sucks, but it is when I write something and it is SO wrong that people don’t have any clue what I am trying to say. Well…that and the constant twists of that fork in my eye are getting quite irritating.

Now, I have never professed to be good at spelling…or grammar for that matter, but within the walls of this post I will offer you the reasoning behind these child-like errors.

At first I thought that it was just me and my making stupid, careless errors…and not re-reading my posts before hitting that infamous Publish button, but then I noticed that certain keys on my keyboard just did not work right. Since you all know Insane Mama, I’m sure that you believe that when I would cuss and flip off my keyboard, she would roll her eyes and say, “yeah…ok…it’s your keyboard.” And then whisper something derogatory about me and my typing skills under her breath. Her love never ceases to amaze me.

Anyway, my cheap ass finally got fed up and ventured off to Best Buy for a new keyboard. First of all I did not expect there to be like 5 million different keyboards to choose from…and also did not expect that some of them exceeded $100 freakin bucks. After milling around the computer area for about 15 minutes, looking for the best, basic keyboard, I turned to the sales guy and said, “can you just get me a basic keyboard? And I won’t spend more than $30 on it.” The guy gave me a “Cheap Ass” look and in about a minute was back in front of me with a keyboard that looked pretty sweet to me. It had some sort of extra buttons on the sides for quick access to things like internet, email, volume, etc. I grabbed the box from the guy and headed to the check out area.

After getting home, I bee lined it to my computer, whipped out the keyboard and plugged her in. I was ready for the test drive!!!!

I opened Word and typed and typed…seemingly for hours (I think it was closer to 5 minutes though.) HOLY SHIT….NO mistakes!!!!! I was thoroughly impressed with my purchase and had a sort of scholarly feel come over me…I even sat up straight in my chair as I opened Blogger and started drafting my first post with my new baby.

I got done writing the post and decided to copy and paste it over to Word…just to check on how things went. As I pasted into Word….WORD FLIPPED ME OFF!!! There was a big middle finger on the screen and below it there were words that read, “You fucking stupid ass. Learn how to type. I can’t even figure out what you are trying to say in the document.”

My face dropped. I had no idea what had happened. A minute ago everything was fine…now it seems that I am in worse shape than before. I started a new Word document and slowly started typing…then I saw it…letters changed and flipped around in the words as I was writing…Auto-Correct was on! No wonder I thought the new keyboard was so great. Shit. What now….Sylvan Learning Institute?

I shrunk back into my worthless, 3rd grade English writing, taking abuse and insults from everyone shell…until…..Insane Mama had to use my computer the other day. She had to write something to print and I am hooked to the printer. When I got home she walked up to me, slugged me in the stomach and yelled, “YOUR KEYBOARD SUCKS ASS!!!!!!!!!!!” Then she hugged me and apologized for the tap in the gut and proceeded to attempt to “take back” all of the nasty things that she had said about my writing. Finally removing that freaking fork from my eye.

Now what? FUCK keyboards!
I need voice recognition dictation software….I’ll go ultra high tech!!!!!