Thursday, August 7, 2008

Bears, Balls & Sex

Last night I had a horrendous nightmare…well, I guess it was kind of funny too.

So, Insane Mama and I are going camping up in the Sequoias next week. We are going for 5 nights and it will just be the two of us. Now I have never been there and Insane Mama has been telling me about the bears and that EVERYTHING needs to go into the bear boxes. That the bears will go after pretty much anything; sun block, lotion, food…and the list goes on.

Anyway, my dream last night was one that had me waking up in a cold sweat and clutching my …privates.

So since we are going alone on this little getaway, I know that there will be a bit of beer, a glass or two of wine and...I imagine…a whole lot of sex. We have planned it out where we will be bringing our BIG tent and a queen sized air mattress (we usually camp without the Aero bed, but we plan on doing some bouncing!) We have also decided to bring along our “travel bag”…you know….the one that holds our “adult” gear.

Oh yeah…back to my dream. So, without getting into too much detail. I was wondering if bears would be attracted to “SEX.” The juices, the odor, the taste… (I know for a fact that dogs are…is there a big difference?)

My dream brought me to a horrific place...I woke up in the morning, after a long night of counting money, to find a huge black bear gnawing on my penis and with his claws holding me down by my balls. From deep within my mind I heard this big black monstrosity lean towards me and say, “Just lay there bitch…I’m not done.” Like something out of a bad prison movie.

Then after Butch, the Black Bear was done violating me, I crawled, clutching my genitals (or what was left of them) out of the huge hole in the tent to see a little baby bear cub prancing out of the campground with Insane Mama’s favorite vibrator dangling from its mouth.

PLEASE…IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT BEARS BEING ATTRACTED TO THE SCENT OF SEX…PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

18 Comments:

Molly said...

Are you on the same anti depressants as me because I have the weirdest dreams too!

I do not believe you will attract any bears with your non stop humping and if you do, just play dead!

preTzel said...

Hell if I know but I had a dream about you and IM last night that had me waking up scared shitless. I dare not share it because it was B.A.D. If I told Mr. he might try to find you. I have very vivid dreams - always in color - and they're either hilarious, completely insane, totally sad, or all about sex. The one I had last night? Was all of that and more. I think I need to stop reading you and IM so much because I might just freaking lose my mind. LOLOL!

Always Smiling said...

I'm sorry, but I am LMAO. I have no clue about bears and sex, but I wish you a bear free camping experience.

I have crazy dreams sometimes, the two most recent ones were when someone stole my van and then the following night I let someone else drive the van and they wrecked it.

The Mom said...

I just read your 'blogging bullshit' post in bloglines, but i don't see it here....sorry to offend, I think i've done all of your annoyances probably in the last week.

That's just me.

Insane Mama said...

If the baby bear steals my vibrator you beter chase him down and get it, bloody balls and all.

Tami said...

So sorry but THAT has got to be the weirdest dream I have ever heard.....and the funniest!

Teri said...

I can honestly say that I don't know anything about what attracts bears. Just hope it won't be you two this weekend! Have fun and watch out!

Jennifer and Sandi said...

I have no clue...maybe we can ask
CHRIS THE WEATHER MOOSE!!

Have a wonderful and safe camping trip!

- Jennifer

Mom2FiveBratz said...

I just have to know, what do you do for a living to be able to vacation so much? My husband never has a day off! (might be because he makes gasoline and there is a shortage)

TentCamper said...

Mom2FiveBratz - Insane Mama and I run an online magazine about outdoor activities. Doing what we love!!!!

motherbumper said...

Wow, we used to camp a lot and that was not a nightmare I ever had. My worries always revolved around human, zombie, and clown attacks on the campsite but now I've got to worry about the bears. Great.

buffalodickdy said...

Dude, cut back on the medication! Bear boinking? Whoa!

T said...

Dang dude! That is one hell of a dream!!

I know about the dog thing. The dog the ex and I had couldn't stand it when we had sex.

I love Insane Mama's comment. She cracks me up!

Google it TC! Google knows everything...

Raging Dad said...

That may be one of the most profoundly disturbing dreams I've ever heard about. I better send you the number for my therapist!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Oh it's absolutely true, as soon as the whiff of a hump hits the forest air, you're done for!

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

Are you going to Kings Canyon too? Which camp grounds??

I worked in Kings Canyon in the 90's - SO beautiful! I'm sojealous!!!

dadshouse said...

Dude, this is a funny dream! Okay, you cross-posted form my backyard sex post, so I'll cross-post you back:

http://dadshouseblog.com/2009/03/10/backyard-sex-wild-animal-edition/

Wild outdoor sex is awesome!

Indian Escorts from Dubai said...

wow! great idea for a wild outside from home Sex trip is awesome

 

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