Divorce Court - Part 3 Of A Gazillion

As I explained everything to IM, we headed up to the courtroom. As we entered the courtroom, we saw IBM and her lawyer up in the front row whispering to one another. My stomach knotted up and head started to spin, thinking of all of the things that I wanted to say/do.

I walked up to the clerk to check in while IM found us some seats a few rows behind IBM and her trusty attorney. I then joined IM and took a sip of water, since my mouth had suddenly been stripped of every drop of fluid. While listening to the first few cases, I rummaged through my files, pulling out what I thought I might need.

All of the sudden, I got a poke in the ribs from IM who, pointing at IBM, said , “look.” I peered past the heads of a few people fidgeting in their seats awaiting their turns to be in the “hot seat” and saw what IM was referring to…a printout of my blog. I almost burst into laughter as I knew she would try to use it against me. She (IBM) whispered a few things to her attorney while smugly smiling and chuckling under her breath. Then…up it came…a print out of IM’s blog. We looked at one another and just smiled. I was smiling and thinking that IBM was just digging and trying to use anything she could to hurt me and my chances of seeing my boys….but at the same time my brain was franticly trying to think of anything that I may have said that COULD be used against me. (yeah, I have some mal feelings about her and have stated that in my blog. Yeah I do think that she is just being malicious and vengeful, but I don’t recall EVER making any accusations about her or attacking her in any way. In my head, at least, my blog was just a digital, out there for people to read, diary.

Anyway, as we waited, I wrote down all of the things that I wanted to make sure got addressed;

Finalize divorce (order for final judgment)

Inform the judge that IBM has not adhered to the same order that she is saying that I did not adhere to

Reinstate my visitation request

Offer the court my reasoning for not going to the drug test

As I was listening to the judge, making rulings and discussing cases with the people ahead of us, I noticed that he did not seem to be in any mood for any crap that day. I hesitantly pushed everything out of my head and thought it best just to go up there with nothing prepared and just answer his questions the best way that I could. (MISTAKE)

Finally, we were called. IM squeezed my arm and wished me luck. I made my way to the front table throwing up, crying and wetting myself all at the same time (on the inside.) After being sworn in, I realized that I had no clue what the best way for me to explain my side of things was. I suppose that is one of the major obstacles in a divorce when the other side has a Nasty-Ass attorney and you have none. I could tell that things were about to go wrong when I had the out-of-body experience where I floated up and over to the judge’s chair and looked at me sitting at the table with the look of a retarded, uneducated, vagabond who had no business speaking to a judge, let alone representing himself in a bitter divorce. As I floated back into myself, and wiped the vomit from my lower lip, I tried to shake off the feeling that I was beaten before things even got started.

After reading the OSC request, the judge asked IBM and her attorney for confirmation and reasoning for their request for supervised visitation. Among the things that her attorney rambled on about, the one thing that caught the judge’s attention was that I failed to show up for a drug test. The look in the judge’s eyes told me that he was not pleased. I decided to not try to make excuses for it and reiterate to him that “I DID miss it but that I did appeal to IBM and her sidekick right after we all got back from our Christmas vacations, that I would be happy to go in for the hair follicle testing” (it goes back 3 months – I had not and have not been doing anything that I needed to hide.) They refused saying that I violated the order and that we’d have to go back to court.

As IBM’s attorney was throwing out accusations, legal jargon and snide remarks, my brain …got a flat. At that point, all that I could do was to sit there and take the beating. I felt like a piñata being pounded on by a horde of teenaged boys.

…More to come…

People In Glass Feathers Don’t Fall Far From The Goats

I am going to take you all on a short journey through time. You ready? Seat belts on?

About a year ago, Insane Mama and I were sitting at our favorite coffee shop enjoying a fun game of Scrabble (There will be a post on Scrabble) while eavesdropping on everyone around us. Now, I have to say that what the eavesdropping sparked was a long and drawn out competitive yet collaborative venture that we enjoyed for months to come.

At the coffee shop that day, we heard some of the most ridiculous pick up lines, witnessed horrifying first dates and a plethora of odd people having conversations with their, clothed, dogs. But the funny thing was that what caught both of our attention was when a woman, sitting with her friend made a comment regarding it “raining cats and dogs” and if that was not enough, she followed that, a few minutes later by saying something about a goose and a gander.

Insane Mama and I, at the same moment decided that it was extremely important to put together a list of all of the sayings that really “got our goats.”

As we began this list, we attempted to not only figure out what some of them meant, but why they became sayings and what their origin was.

Our list was somewhere between 50 and 100 …..and now I can’t find the list. All that time, effort and “important” research …down the drain.

So here is what I am asking of you.

Please post a comment with a saying that really “gets under your skin”, why it bugs you and what you think the origin is.

Cool, Creepy, Scary...I don't know

As IM and I were walking on the sidewalk in front of our house, we paused to look up at the big spider web that we have been passing for the last week. Every day, the web was getting a little bigger, but we never saw the spider. I am...not so into spiders, but in this house…you do NOT kill (or even “relocate”) spiders. (more on that…see Insane Mama.)

Tonight, there it was….a monster! Simultaneously, we both jumped back, as if we were in “Attack of the Killer Spiders” and the thing was going to jump onto our faces and suck our brains out through our noses. We stepped back and I knew I’d have to photograph this one. I ran inside to get the camera…and of course our 9 year old. Christie is one of those….nutty, animal-freak kids. We remove “unwanted” critters from her room on a daily basis. Snails, lady bugs, worms, rollie pollies…anything she can catch. Christie is that girl who would need therapy if she (even by accident) stepped on an ant.

I asked her if she wanted to go see the big spider while I took pictures. She was out the front door before I had a chance to turn around. We walked up to where the spider was, I pointed, she looked up and (with her mouth gaping open said, …”Oh My.” I started taking pictures (knowing I had to get the perfect shot for you all. Once I had about 5 shoots, I showed them to Christie who responded to me with…”Wow! He’s HUGE!”...(then I got to a good close up) she looked at the picture and then turned to me and said, “That’s sep-spatula…I mean scepatula…um….slaptulaR. Wait, what is that word?” I responded “spec tac u lar”
“Yeah! That’s it!”

Then I said…...”Hey, let’s go check out the one on the other side of the house.” We trotted down the driveway to the side of the house, Christie chanting under her breath, “spectacular, sptcatipillar, ...UH… do you think this one is gonna be as big?”

Chuckling, I said, “Hold on to your britches Little One….we’re about to find out.”
As we turned the corner, we looked up to the web (that we had really only seen from far away …until now. We (both of us with jaws dragging the floor) stared and as I said, “Holy Mackerel” she barked (like an army sergeant), “That thing is a...MONSTER!”

I clicked away and now, even though I have some cool photos, I don’t even know what kind of spiders these are. I kinda hope that one of these super-sized, creepy-assed spiders bites me. I'd be the ultimate Spider-Man!!!!!!

But...since all of you seem to think that IM kicked my butt…..can I at least kick Carrie’s Toad’s ass with “My Spider Invaders?”

FRIDAY PHOTO FUN

Dear Carrie - Here is my subision for Phriday Photo Phinish Phiesta! Hope you like it!

DAMN IT MAMA!.... YOU HAD BETTER TEACH ME HOW TO TWITTER....TODAY!!!!!

...AND WHO ELSE SAID THEY LIKE YOUR BOOBS?

NEXT TIME I TELL YOU TO CALL ME MASTER.....DO IT!!!!