My Balls

As a stay at home dad, I do have a lot of the same concerns, issues and interactions as many of the mommy bloggers out there….BUT…I also have balls…these balls that sway between my thighs send messages to my brain on a continual basis that help me to realize that things such as shopping, cute baby pictures, shoes, malls, brunch with friends and movies like ‘The Notebook’ or “when Harry Met Sally’ are just NOT what I should be blogging or worrying about.

My Balls tell me to pay a bit more attention to; love, sex, hot women, fast cars, fishing, camping, the NFL, poker, action movies (with lots of guns), being ‘king’ of my world, protecting and caring for my family, ….oh…..and beer!

Twisted as women think men are…we, as parents, strive for the same things (I think). It is just that we travel differing paths to get there. Men, well….shit….I’ll talk for myself. I seem to take the most difficult, but exciting paths…anything to add adventure and adrenaline to my journey. Women on the other hand, generally tend to take that meandering, path that moves slowly past the flowers and the pretty houses.

So, all in all…don’t be haters ladies. Love us for the end goals…not the path that we take to get there. Remember it is not us that chooses the path…it is our balls. The balls that provide you with pleasure and children…I assure you…you would hate us without them!

Super Powers

I have two simple questions for you all today…

If you were invisible for one 24 hour period…what are the top three things you would do?

I chose invisible because out of all ‘super powers’ that is the one that I would most like to have. (FYI…I am secretly honing my skills and practicing to harness the power of invisibility, so if you ever feel a tap on your shoulder and nobody is there…it might just be me.)

If not invisible…what super power would you most like to have?

If I were invisible, I would; secretly walk onto flights so I could visit all of the cities around the world that I yearn to go to, I’d be on the sets of my favorite TV shows…and maybe mess with people there, I’d have to at least do a walk through of the Playboy mansion and lastly I’d see what REALLY goes on in the Oval Office and the ‘Situation Room’.

The Mind, Body and Shit

Well - I think that the majority of you know how I sometimes throw out some major randomness and how speaking my mind is not something that I am worried about doing….so here goes another edition of TentCamper’s Random Thoughts.

I know that it is something that everyone has thought about and even most likely had in depth discussions about….Yawning.

How is yawning so contagious? Why isn’t sneezing, coughing or clearing your throat? It is only yawning. Why does the brain only fuck with us on the yawning thing? I mean, you can see someone across a room yawning and …there you go a big yawn and you are not even tired. It could be someone talking about yawning or yawning right next to you. Even someone writing about yawning can make our dumb-ass brains think that we need to yawn.

What is the point of a yawn anyway? Is there any medical or biological purpose for yawns…or was this our creator’s way of fucking with us?

(How many times did YOU yawn while reading that?)

What about sneezing? Why can’t we sneeze with our eyes open? In follow up…I kind of think that those folks out there with severe allergies, who sneeze a lot….maybe should not be allowed to drive during allergy season.

Lastly, why are women's boobs considered 'privates' and men's are not? I think that my nipples are bust as sensitive as a woman's. If the reasoning is that they are considered a sexual organ....what about mouths? Should we cover those too? Shit...even hands can be quite the sexual organ. I say that we all pe-TIT-ion to have the requirement for women to wear shirt lifted. Men and women....equal! (Fine....some women should remain clothed...but the same goes for men... I guess I think that it should be a person's personal choice.) Let's get this done people!

Why has nobody developed an in the bowl vent for toilets? (I claim this as my idea so back the F up!)

Many (if not most) bathrooms are equipped with exhaust fans in the ceiling. This is indeed a helpful product. BUT what it essentially does is take the looming odor, which is directly under you, and pull it straight up your body, across your face and then up to the vent. Why not have a vent built-in (or even an ‘aftermarket’ product) that would take the emissions from one’s stink pickle and whisk it away…BEFORE one has to hold their breath as the vapors cross the facial area?!

To Pee Or Not To Pee

As you may be able to tell from the name of my blog, I have a tendency to pee into the wind. But that is not the only thing about pee that I like….I grew up in the northeast and spent many a winter producing creative ‘art’ on my white snow canvas. I peed on my brother after my other brother and I tied him up. I have (I am man enough to admit it) peed myself …as a grown man. I pee outdoors at every opportunity…bushes, behind trees, alleys, fields, off boats, in streams…you know…pretty much anywhere. In addition to all of that, I have a small bladder, so I go pretty much all the time.

As a 41 year old man, with all of the aforementioned experience, I do consider myself an expert…or urinary master extraordinaire…as I have been referred to from time to time.

With that said, I have considered writing books on the subject…things like Taking the Piss (The History of PEE) for the guys and How to Pee Standing Up for all of you ladies…who want to let loose and pee in the wind with me.

Maybe I am talking about pee too much or maybe just sharing too much about myself personally, but I really don’t care.

I love to pee. You know when you have to pee really bad?...no when holding it hurts so much that you actually start to laugh. When you finally let go…it is complete ecstasy… A ‘peegasm’ if you will. Or when you (knowing how big or small your own bladder is) pee for so long that you wonder if something is wrong…then you just get that little smile on your face…you’ve actually impressed your own self. What about when ….oh never mind…you get my point.

Lastly, I got a bit upset when I saw this. Who do theses asses think they are anyways?

Vanity - A Nationwide Illness

One of Mariah and my favorite things to do while driving around is …well…besides dissing up people’s outfits and driving skills and pointing out and laughing at the nose pickers, seat dancers and singers…vanity plates. There are tons out there, some foolish and some that make no freaking sense whatsoever.

For the ones that are evident, we read them and then try to get a good look at the driver to see if it is a good fit or not…usually NOT.

Then there are the more difficult ones…the ones that must be vanity plates, but that could just be a coincidence with the mix of letters and numbers.

Anyway, I thought I’d share with you all a few that were quite evident. I would have loved to get a good look at these drivers!!!!

What the hell are people thinking getting shit like this on their cars?!

Corn and the Mysteries of the World

WARNING! This post might be a bit on the crude side, but it is an honest, random thought that has drifted through my mind a time or two.

*AND I am trying to weed out my sissy-ass, prude and generally boring readers. (PLEASE leave an honest comment...It will help me in the weeding department.)

What is the nutritional value of corn? How much of it is taken in by the body?

I ask because I know that when I have a healthy serving of corn with a meal…pretty much the same amount comes out in my …movements.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not bashing corn…I love corn and will eat it as long as I have teeth.

I am just curious as to its nutritional value and how much of the corn the body ingests.

I know that with one kernel of corn, inside the ‘skin’ is a mushy center…is that all that is consumed by the body? I also know that the outer skin is what is…’left behind.’ What the hell kind of alien food is eaten but the body refuses to or cannot break it down?

Feel free to check out the evidence here if you dare.

If you have crazy Yoda-like corn knowledge and can enlighten the rest of the world…Please do. I’d put this mystery up there with Bigfoot, Amelia Earhart and the Loch Ness Sea Monster.

Peeing All Over The Place

Just thought I’d throw something up here since it has been a few days. As most of you know I also run another blog (Hot Dads). Please feel free to check out a few of my recent posts over there…including the one about Stinky Feet or my Birthday Bike post…or one about Imaginations or maybe you agree with me about the English language.

Don’t worry…I will be posting here regularly.

Feet, Baby Birds and Briefs

Per the request of @Sweet_Life at The Sweet Life, this post will be an overview of my thoughts on a few random subjects that she threw out to me. The subjects that I’ve been asked to elaborate on are; Stinky feet. Baby birds learning to fly. Girl Scout cookies. Black socks and sandals. Boxers vs briefs vs boxer briefs.

With my vast knowledge and expertise about pretty much everything, I will try to dumb it up a bit and use laymen’s terms so that you all can follow what I have to say.

Stinky feet – I’ll get straight to the point on this one…I HATE stinky feet! I am an all around kind of anti-foot kind of guy. I don’t like touching feet, don’t like people touching my feet…so a stinky foot, to me is revolting. Shit even writing about it…thinking about some stinky dirty feet is bringing me to the edge of vomiting. NASTY! Don’t get me wrong, I can look at feet (if they are cleaned up and pleasant) but I see no logical reason to touch them.

Baby birds learning to fly – In general, I have no dislike for birds (bats – I HATE) I have always kind of liked birds…excluding; pigeons, crows and vultures. I have, for the most part, been quite intrigued with many birds (Falcons, Eagles, Hummingbirds, Hawks, etc.) I remember as a child, sitting up in our neighborhood trees watching mother birds feed their babies just after hatching. It was even cooler when I got to see mommy nudge them out of the nest for their first ‘attempted’ flight. I was in awe…and yes, I was careful not to get too close or touch the nest. Now we have two birds. I HATE FREAKING BIRDS NOW!!!! They are noisy. They make a mess with their food. There are feathers and bird shit all over the house. As pets, their wings are clipped so that they can’t fly…so they can be poked, prodded, pulled, tweaked, held, squeezed and yes, showered with. I feel bad for these birds…but they have made me not like birds anymore.

Girl Scout cookies – I absolutely love the taste of almost all Girl Scout cookies…BUT…I have come to the conclusion that the whole cookie thing is an illegal scam that will be shut down by the DEA or Homeland Security one day. I am convinced that the cookies have cocaine or some other kind of addicting drug in them…by the frantic nature of how people act as soon as they hear that the cookies are on sale. Beyond that, hordes of 10 to 12 year old girls work the streets, go door to door, standing on street corners to sell their goods. I don’t know what is worse…sending these young girls out onto the streets and teaching them how to swindle people out of money (like national cookie sweat shops) or little girls pushing seemingly drug-laced baked goods in our faces.

Black socks with sandals – Northeastern Europe…AKA German people. I am not a fan of that fashion statement…and really do not understand the point. Maybe they don’t make white socks in Germany…maybe it never gets warm enough to wear sandals on bare feet where they come from. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT! It goes into the same book as the men in Speedos at the beach, ‘big’ girls in spandex and belly shirts, black and Mexican men always wearing t-shirts to swim at the beach and people buying and putting clothing on their pets.

Boxers vs. briefs vs. boxer briefs – This one is simple:
Boxers – teenage boys
Briefs – gay men, body builders, cowboys and men who think that they are ‘all that’.
Boxer briefs – normal men who need a bit of support whilst not jamming one’s nuts up into their pelvis.

"Weight! ...I'm Going To A Vegas Buffet!"

The saying... "everything is big in Texas" is wrong...check out the Vegas buffets.

I’ll start off by saying that I am, by no means, a skinny guy. I am not big…but do have a bit of a…round mid-section.

Now I have nothing against the ‘larger breed’ but after being in Las Vegas over the weekend, and doing my best to make up for losses at the all you can eat buffets…I am simply amazed at the number of severely obese people camped out at their tables with huge plates of greasy food laid out in front of them.

I do admit that I pride myself on how much I can eat. I do make a point of loading up at buffets and am not scared to have more than one plate in front of me. That being said, I usually have a big plate of salad and then a plate of meat and starches...and maybe a veggie or two.

Walking around the buffet at the casino, I could not help but to stare in amazement at the tables of ‘large’ people and the foods that were piled high on their plates. Mounds of fried chicken and shrimp, huge cuts of fatty prime rib and mountains of buttery mashed potatoes and then there were assortments of cakes, pies and ice creams filled the center of many of the tables.

I don’t know if it is just me, but I could not help but to think that if I were as big as some of those people, I’d have a hard time feeling ok with piling it up the way that I witnessed. That...along with the tables with very large parents and seriously obese children...kind of made me mad. What are the parents thinking?

Maybe it has something to do with ‘the numbers’ – trying to offset the cost of the rooms and how much they gambled. Maybe it is more of an uncontrollable urge. Maybe it is just me…judging…since I am not that big…yet.

I don’t know. I seemed to only see these huge people in and around the buffets…never at the gaming tables and rarely at the slots. Why do they come to Vegas? It can’t be to walk around and explore the city. I could barely walk a block without the need to towel off all of the sweat in the sweltering neon city.

I know that this post makes me out to be quite the judgmental ass hole, but I can assure you that I do not dislike obese people…I may not understand their thinking at times, but I have some obese people that I am very close with and they are some of the most genuine and loving people in my life.

Well……..If you think you hate me now….just wait til my next post…I am sure that I will outdo myself and once again dig a big hole to dive into.

Memorial Day Long Weekend

So, over the past week I have had the luxury of spending some quality time with all of the kids and just about every one of them has amazed me…in one way or the other.

On a drive home I was asked, “oh, is that your news building?” as we passed the FOX building. I replied, “Yes, I think it is.” Then “Oh, yep…it is…I can see the satellites on the roof” billowed from the back seat. Immediately following that came, “Who invented the Internet?” I responded with “I think it was a group of guys…” Not allowing me to even finish the statement I was hit over the head with, “yeah…the old TVs you had to touch…the new ones you use a remote.”
Being that I could not piece together the thought process behind this string on random statements that came out as a conversation…I just sat there and nodded (with a confused look on my face.)

Next…at a Caribbean restaurant, while we were waiting for our food, I was asked….”Are you getting the corn on the cock?” I quickly replied, “Corn on the COB? Yes. I did order corn on the cob. (I could barely hold in the laughter.)

I was also told, in the not so distant past, that with our new FiOS TV service, that we can ‘INCESTaneously’ get movies for free. (I believe that she was trying to say instantaneously.)

Well….the list goes on and on…I’m sure you get why I question the Santa Monica school system.

I am a wood slut

Ok…so if you haven’t guessed yet…I have a slight problem. You see, we are a family that loves the outdoors and we tend to camp a lot and we also take advantage of the great weather here in Southern California and sit out by our fire pit several nights a week.

The problem is that I have gotten to that place where I refuse to buy that stupid freakin ‘balsa’ fire wood that the local grocery stores sell for $6.00 per bundle of 5 logs. I am also unwilling to spend $50 per load of wood from the local firewood yard.

My thing is that I drive around town and stop at lumber yards and construction sites, ask them for any of their scrap wood. It works perfectly for camping and our fire pit…and it is free. I can load up the back of the car and have a week’s worth of wood with only a little bit of cutting with my saw.

I’m sure that this does not sound so bad right now, but it has gotten bad…I could be compared to a drug addict, on a quest for my next fix. I have been known to slam on the breaks, with a car full of people, throw the car in reverse…just to check out a new construction site. Driving down the street, I crane my neck as I pass by lucrative site, to see if there is any junk wood. When I start getting low on wood, I make a point of dedicating a 2 hour window of my day to troll the streets for my pot of gold.

Given the above…Mariah and the kids have all begun calling me; “Wood Slut”, “Wood Whore”, “Scrap Addict”, “Scrap Junkie” and other derogatory names. At first I did not mind, but ….an I sick? Do I need help? Is there a 12-step support group for this?

Well…I gotta run. It is Friday and I need wood for the weekend!

HOW DUMB ARE PEOPLE?

Why don’t printing companies use spell check and have someone who proofs their work?

I see it all the time but just recently I came across two instances where I just can’t believe that someone actually printed thousands of pages with fucked up things on them.

I was at a restaurant the other day (in a snooty part of town) and was looking at the menu when I noticed potato spelled P-O-T-A-T-O and P-O-T-A-T-O-E. I quickly brought it to Mariah’s attention. We exchanged weird looks and the proceeded to continue scrutinizing the menu, at which point we found the same issue with the word tomato…spelled with and without an E at the end.

Then yesterday, I was looking through some of the store circulars in the Los Angeles Times and came across this 4 page, full color ad for a store that is closing a location and has a huge sale going on….but nowhere in the ad does it say the name of the store or an address….WTF?! The funny part is that Mariah and I were very interested in going to the store to get some stuff...but we have no clue what it is ...or where it is.

By the way...why are the weekly store ads called circulars? English is stupid!

Who the fuck at the paper or the store’s marketing department…or the restaurant’s printer is there to ensure that everything reads well? Obviously nobody. I don’t know why this gets under my skin so much…but it does!!!

The English language pisses me off enough…now, on top of that I have to come across shit like this ….HOW DUMB ARE PEOPLE?

The English Language Sucks!

I know that it has been a while since I last posted, but there has just been a lot going on in my life lately. Not to mention my latest issue.

The kids are off visiting with their father and the house is virtually empty. These are the times that I reserve to get some shit done around the house. The project at the top of my list right now, though not a huge one, is the cause for both anxiety and deep thought.

The project itself is simple…repair the leak in our shower. Remove the shower knob. Remove and replace worn inner part(s). Re-attach knob and seal. Simple…yes, I know.

The issue is as follows: I have no caulk. (No…I did not say COCK…I said caulk.) This is where the anxiety comes in. I hate the fact that I have to walk into my local hardware store and ask the burly guy that runs the place if he has caulk. What do you say? “Excuse me…I am looking for caulk.” “Do you have caulk?” “Where can I find caulk?” “Do you have light brown caulk? My wife does not want white caulk.”

What the fuck is wrong with the guy who invented and named caulk? Wouldn’t you think that he’d know how it sounds and that the majority of people buying it would be plumbers, builders, DIY “manly men” and the such? He could have just named it; goop or sealer or even sticky shit. (Although there may be similar issues with “sticky shit.”

So basically, I have not started my project and have a feeling that before I do, I will be down at the hardware store scanning the aisles for the caulk display as so this manly mo fo will not need to inquire with anyone about caulk.

I even thought about sending Mariah to make the purchase…but I know her. She would have too much fun with it and would be all, “Excuse me big boy….can you show me your caulk? I need some very badly.” OH HELL NO….I ain’t with all that!

MILF = Hot Boobs or Great Ass?

As with all living things…we as humans have types. By type I mean that thing we say when describing qualities that attract us to one another. Let me rephrase that…”I am an ass man.” I say that because saying “I am a lips man” or “I am an eyes man” sounds kind of …un manly. Those are, in fact, the three physical attributes in a woman that can make me come to attention…so to speak.

*To Mariah: You have incredible eyes and lips and if I go more than a few hours without inappropriately staring at your ass…or giving it a good slap…I get the shakes and go into withdrawals.

OK…back to my pre-disclaimer thought. I think that I’d say I like butts and lips evenly and eyes come in a close second. If you have all three (like my baby) consider yourself special. Don’t get me wrong ladies, I know that what is on the inside is more important and looks only get you so far…yada yada. I am NOT talking about love…nor even wanting to strike up a conversation with anyone. Just that thing that catches your eye at first glimpse. You ladies have it too…buff chest, six pack abs…a large bulge in the pants, etc. You know…that thing that lets us know that we are still alive.

I am not sure, nation-wide…or world wide where I’d fit in the percentages…Are there more ass men than boob men? Speaking of boob men…they are kind of funny. The boob men that I know are like scavengers, in my book. It seems that they look at every set that walks by. Big, small, real, fake, firm and perky, droopy and low…all of them. Maybe some guys become boob men because it is the easiest part of a woman’s body to see. To get a good read on an ass takes the right angle, the right outfit…and even then you sometimes never know.

**another disclaimer – after checking out Google Analytics, it seems that the terms Boobs, Hot boobs and MILF tend to send a lot of traffic my way.

Anyway, with asses it is different, at least for me. I don’t like NOR LOOK AT; XL, inverted, slanty, extra wide, too high or too low butts. I like a butt with some meat…making it a nice ‘round mound of fun’ I’d post a picture of Mariah’s sexy ass for you to all check out but Webster’s has a copyright of the image for their new dictionary.

See what kind of nonsense looking at Analytics can make people write?

Who Is The REAL TentCamper? Answers!!!!

So if you thought that you were smart...think again.

I have BOLDED the FALSE facts.


Favorite cartoon growing up was the Bugs Bunny / Road Runner Hour
First time I was ‘in love’ was in 6th grade
I am an exhibitionist
I am self conscious about my breath
I am trained in martial arts
I burp and fart in public…and loud
I coach a youth sports team
I grew up in New Hampshire
I had sex for the first time at 13 years old
I have 2 brothers and 4 sisters
I have 3 fathers and 3 mothers
I have an average sized penis
I have an obsession with hula girls
I have, combined, spent more than a year in county jails
I joined the military in the 90’s
I like kids more than adults
I like the taste of blood
I moved into a fraternity house when I was 16
I never finished college
I used drugs and alcohol for the first time when I was 10
I was a regional track and field star in middle and high school
I was adopted
I was raped as an adult
I wish I was a teen in the 40’s
I’ve been shot at by several people at once
I’ve been snow skiing since the age of 2
I’ve gotten only one woman pregnant in my 40 years of life
I’ve held a person while they were beaten and killed
I’ve lived in 9 different states
I’ve watched someone commit suicide
My favorite animal is the Silverback Gorilla
My favorite game at a casino is craps
my favorite hard alcohol is Jack Daniels
My favorite hobby is fishing
My favorite movies of all time are; Goodfellas, Shawshank Redemption & The Godfather
My favorite music is Blues and Jazz
My favorite NFL team is the New York Giants
My favorite parts of a woman’s body are (in order); eyes, ass, lips
The last music CD I bought was in 2001
Three music genres that I can’t stand are; opera, heavy metal and musicals


Which three are NOT TRUE?

one with the cart...one with the coupons

The domesticated, mature, sensible, man that I am….I do make runs to the grocery store. I like to go with Insane Mama. We work well as a team. One with the cart, one with the coupons…and both people watching.

Walking into the store, we have our mission and the plan of attack is simple. It seems though that after poking, prodding and squeezing everything in the first aisle (produce of course) we tend to get a bit bored. Not that grocery shopping for a gaggle of children is supposed to be fun…but yes…we get bored.

That is when we usually split up…not saying anything to each other…but both of us know what is coming. Insane Mama heads for the woman’s “personal feminine products” and I do a bee line for the beloved selection of condoms, lubes and such. After loading our cart with a nice assortment of “unmentionables” we head back to begin rummaging through the second aisle.

Why did we collect such an assortment of ‘goodies’ you ask? I’ll explain why this has become one of our favorite shopping pastimes.

You see…about 2 years ago…while at the grocery store. We were strolling along when this couple walked by…they were obviously in a bit of a tiff. Both glaring at one another and exchanging nasty comments. I thought it would be funny to, ‘stealthly’ drop a tube of “Tingly K-Y Jelly” into their basket when they were not looking. We followed them around the store until IT happened. The woman saw the K-Y and freaked on him. She was mortified…and the guy seemed to not know how to hold back a smile…while denying putting it into the cart.

We got a kick out of it and it has become a …shopping tradition.

Tampons for gay men, condoms for gay women, sex lube for snooty women and couples, lube for college kids, personal 'massagers' for prude looking women, extra large condoms for couples…and 65+ men, etc.

It tends to be the funniest if they don’t realize that the products are there until that are loading everything onto the register belt thingy. The looks on their faces are priceless. They always look at the cashier and the people right behind them to see who saw.

Anyway, I am SURE that the security personnel (the people watching the camera monitors) talk about us in their national corporate meetings.

Am I…are we…TOO CHILDISH?

Blogging Bullshit!

Ok peeps!

I want to start by saying that I do not want to offend anyone…That is not my intention at all with this post. Maybe I just need to understand a few things at a more in-depth level...while I am on vacation

If any of you can clear some of this up for me…PLEASE use the comments to do so.

Is it me…or are these random awards that are going around a stupid waste of time? OK, I’ve received a few and I appreciate the gestures…I really do…but I really think that if you like a blog…put it on your blogroll, or post something about why you like them on your blog.

As for TAG…oh…for the love of Pete! Come on! I totally don’t get it

Guest Bloggers…This kind of ticks me off…I mean, I go to your blogs to read YOU…not some other person…that if I liked said person...I would go to their blog. If your are going away…post something saying so and that you will fill everyone in when you get back.

With regard to most of the blogs that I read…I like to read you because you are (seemingly) honest and talk about your life in an interesting way. When you claim to use your blog to vent and “journal” yet you fill your blog, on a daily basis with photos or links to other bloggers…I just don’t get it. If you have nothing to vent or journal about…shit…make something up or post something from your past. To me…that would be better than clicking over to find Makeover Monday, Time Out Tuesday, Wordless Wednesday, Thoughtless Thursday, Photo Friday, etc. (Not that I don't like these... I guess I would rather just HEAR from YOU)

I do get that people want traffic and I understand that not everyone has something that they feel is important to say every day…I sure as hell don’t, but I LIKE YOU ALL and want to hear about you and your life, no matter how small.

I think that most of you would agree with me that even if we did not all post everyday, that if they were honest posts about our lives…the readers would be there.

As you can see from your stats and/or my comments…I visit you all every day. I will continue doing so as long as I’m able to read the impressive postings that I have found on all of your blogs.

Now…I am not trying to kill MY traffic or offend anyone, but I just don’t get it sometimes. Please help me understand. SCHOOL ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Fork In The Eye

This post will be another fine example of TentCamper’s ability to pee into the wind…or at least an example of my inane ability to attract bad luck. Now this ability is not something that I was born with, it is a skill that was honed. Proof that there is a warrior within this big-bladdered tenter.

Since I started blogging, I’ve not only had a continuous string of comments and the ever-present Insane Mama sticking forks in my eyes about my horrendous spelling and grammar mistakes on both my posts and the comments that I leave for others. For the most part I shrug and don’t really care if someone thinks my spelling sucks, but it is when I write something and it is SO wrong that people don’t have any clue what I am trying to say. Well…that and the constant twists of that fork in my eye are getting quite irritating.

Now, I have never professed to be good at spelling…or grammar for that matter, but within the walls of this post I will offer you the reasoning behind these child-like errors.

At first I thought that it was just me and my making stupid, careless errors…and not re-reading my posts before hitting that infamous Publish button, but then I noticed that certain keys on my keyboard just did not work right. Since you all know Insane Mama, I’m sure that you believe that when I would cuss and flip off my keyboard, she would roll her eyes and say, “yeah…ok…it’s your keyboard.” And then whisper something derogatory about me and my typing skills under her breath. Her love never ceases to amaze me.

Anyway, my cheap ass finally got fed up and ventured off to Best Buy for a new keyboard. First of all I did not expect there to be like 5 million different keyboards to choose from…and also did not expect that some of them exceeded $100 freakin bucks. After milling around the computer area for about 15 minutes, looking for the best, basic keyboard, I turned to the sales guy and said, “can you just get me a basic keyboard? And I won’t spend more than $30 on it.” The guy gave me a “Cheap Ass” look and in about a minute was back in front of me with a keyboard that looked pretty sweet to me. It had some sort of extra buttons on the sides for quick access to things like internet, email, volume, etc. I grabbed the box from the guy and headed to the check out area.

After getting home, I bee lined it to my computer, whipped out the keyboard and plugged her in. I was ready for the test drive!!!!

I opened Word and typed and typed…seemingly for hours (I think it was closer to 5 minutes though.) HOLY SHIT….NO mistakes!!!!! I was thoroughly impressed with my purchase and had a sort of scholarly feel come over me…I even sat up straight in my chair as I opened Blogger and started drafting my first post with my new baby.

I got done writing the post and decided to copy and paste it over to Word…just to check on how things went. As I pasted into Word….WORD FLIPPED ME OFF!!! There was a big middle finger on the screen and below it there were words that read, “You fucking stupid ass. Learn how to type. I can’t even figure out what you are trying to say in the document.”

My face dropped. I had no idea what had happened. A minute ago everything was fine…now it seems that I am in worse shape than before. I started a new Word document and slowly started typing…then I saw it…letters changed and flipped around in the words as I was writing…Auto-Correct was on! No wonder I thought the new keyboard was so great. Shit. What now….Sylvan Learning Institute?

I shrunk back into my worthless, 3rd grade English writing, taking abuse and insults from everyone shell…until…..Insane Mama had to use my computer the other day. She had to write something to print and I am hooked to the printer. When I got home she walked up to me, slugged me in the stomach and yelled, “YOUR KEYBOARD SUCKS ASS!!!!!!!!!!!” Then she hugged me and apologized for the tap in the gut and proceeded to attempt to “take back” all of the nasty things that she had said about my writing. Finally removing that freaking fork from my eye.

Now what? FUCK keyboards!
I need voice recognition dictation software….I’ll go ultra high tech!!!!!

And The Winner Is....Tinkle In My Tent

Thank you all for helping me with the name.

As a first installment...

So as you can see, my ex is still on my ass. she has been commenting here, has created her own blog just to trash me, has been recording phone conversations between me and my boys, is having them relay messages to me (getting them in the middle of adult issues) and is threatening Insane Mama and I with calling CPS on us. What the F??? It is non-stop.

9 year old is walking around the house using the vacuum as a stroller for her dolls.

13 year old cam home from boy scout camp to announce that bugs LOVE biting him and that he no longer likes hot dogs.

11 year old slept until noon today since her cousin went back to Texas this morning. They had been conducting some LATE nights playing computer games in bed and spending all day - every day at the beach.

16 year old ... well who knows.

Still no word from Birth Mother...

Insane Mama still rocks!!!!

Pee Is Everywhere

Since everyone has their little bloggy things that they do, photo days, random vents, kiddie quotes, yada yada. I thought that it would be a good idea for me to have a little sumpin sumpin too.

You will start seeing a new title on my blog that is just going to be random thought and tid bits of things that I just need to get out of my head. These will all be short little “tinkles” and should NOT be mistaken for a “regular” post.

There is a lot of weird shit that goes through my head everyday and where I live…I tend to see and hear some …out there stuff. The place where you will find these random notes will be…now this took a long time to decide on what to call it (and if anyone has issues with the title..please call customer service.) Finally, I came up with a few possible titles…Please tell me which one you think I should use.

Random Bursts of Urine
Random Bursts of Pee
Tinkle in My Tent
Bladder Leakage
Pee Is Everywhere

Thank you in advance for helping me name this very important addition to my blog.