Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Meeting My Birth Mother - Part 2 0f 2

…As the door slowly opened…I instantly freaked out! Was I supposed to hug her? kiss her cheek? shake her hand? ..show her my ass? ….what!? As the sunlight hit her face I saw HER for the very first time. She looked nothing like what I had imagined. She did not look super-human…where did I get my powers?

An anxiety filled smile came across her face as a single tear ran down her cheek. SHIT! What do I do? Her lips opened and all that came out was a quivering, “oh my god.” Then she reached out to give me a hug. Our brief embrace was one filled with meaning. She then dabbed the tear from her face and asked us to come in. I moved through the door and as ManicMariah entered, she too was the recipient of a BM “power hug.” She showed us into the living room. Meanwhile, I still had no idea of what to say. (Nice planning Dude!)

We all sat down, she asked if we would like anything to drink. I responded, “how bout a shot of something strong?” we all chuckled for a second and then the room became quite again. Then;
Me – um, ah
BM – so….
Me – Not really sure where to start
BM – I just can’t believe you are really here
Me – I know, this is incredible
BM – you are so beautiful
Me – thank you
BM – I….
Me – I guess I will start by saying that I have no bad feelings about you or anything. From what I know about the situation back then and why things happened the way they did….I am ok with it. I know that for a lot of adopted children, their main fears are rejection and confusion (why did they not want me?). I don’t have these fears. I am really ok with it and I don’t blame or hate you for giving me up. (WOW WHAT AN ICE-BREAKER!)
BM – ---jaw on the floor, and teary-eyed
Me – I had a good life and now can check off on the list that we have met.
BM – this is just amazing
Me – I know that you did what you did out of love…and I was raised in a great, loving family
BM – Yes I did. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done
Me – I brought some pictures for you to look at
BM – oh…that is great. I’d love to see them.

IM went out to the car and brought in the laptop. Not mentioning the technical difficulties, I got the slide show set up and we sat on the couch together to go through the pictures. I put together 15-20 family pictures going back to about 1975. She was pretty much speechless as I went through the images and narrated who was in each one. I then talked a bit about my adoptive parents and siblings and my two boys, ManicMariah's family and kids and where everyone was…spread around the country.

With my 6 siblings, my parents, ManicMariah's immediate family and myself – we “represent”; CA (northern, central and southern, TX, OH, PA, FL, NY, ME, NH & GA.
We then talked about my natural father (NF) her and her family. BM & NF were never married, they dated while he was in the Air Force and her family lived on base (due to her father.) He was shipped out to Japan and was gone when she found out that she was pregnant. He did not know about the pregnancy or adoption until a year later.

Please picture the situation… 17 year old daughter of an Air Force officer, 19 year old BLACK Air Force GI, 1966-7, pregnant girl, forbidding mother, military police…

After she told NF what had happened, he offered help in any way he could, asked why she did it all alone and told her that she should have told him and gone to live with his parents (she knew that that would not have worked.) They did not speak after that day until I re-connected with BM. She contacted him and then gave me his email address. (another story)

A few years after she gave me up, she met, fell in love with and married a man. They had one son (my half brother) together (he had two from another woman). They lived together and raised their 3 sons for the next 15 years, until their divorce.

We then all got up to go out to lunch. That was the plan as long as things were going well. The ride was a bit quite (a lot of digesting going on I guess) but I talked a bit about my parents and step parents and the relationships that I have with them. Once we got to the restaurant and got seated, BM began telling us stories from back in the late 60’s (my NF and her parents) she also indicated that when she was 6, she had a very serious illness that paralyzed her from the shoulders down for 6 month. She talked of her travels (being a military brat) and all about the close relationship she had with her father.

We briefly discussed the tension that we felt and experienced in dealing with bi-racial issues in the late 60s and how my mother’s parents and BM’s mother were …not so accepting.

About my BM; she is very sweet, personable, funny, down to earth, very in touch with her feelings and surroundings, filled with love and cherishes family. Even though I was and still am all twisted inside…I would not trade that visit for anything in the world.

Anyway…the reunion went VERY WELL!!!!!!!!! (All 211 minutes of it.) There was so much more talked about, we played with my half brother’s dog, took some pictures and talked of another visit down the road.

As we were about to leave, she grabbed me and gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek and then turned to ManicMariah and did the same, and whispered, “thank you for that phone call.”
(another story)

We walked back out to the car, pausing to look over our shoulders to wave and smile…and then got into the car and headed off.

The first few minutes, we spoke about our thoughts of her and how we were feeling. Then I called my mother to fill her in. She was very excited for me and eager to hear all about the visit. Once she was filled in, I told ManicMariah that I was going to try to sleep for a few minutes…I think I was in overload.

Now, I know that women are more chatty than guys are and they tend to explain things a bit better sometimes, so I have asked ManicMariah to post her views of the visit/meeting. Keep an eye out for her rendition.

Thanks for listening/reading.


Always Smiling said...

Just found your site the other day. I'm glad the meeting with your BM went well. Also, I would like to add that I hope divorce court ended alright. Good Luck on all fronts.

Deb said...

Wow Chris. That is an amazing and beautiful story. I hope you can continue to forge a relationship with your BM. I am so happy for you that everything went so well.
And you didn't even throw up on her once! Awesome!

insane mama said...

Babe, my rendition is different, but you explained this very very well. Congrats on not vomitting

ugagirl30 said...

Goodness, I can only imagine the level of anxiety exploded as the door opened. You were so gracious in explaining to her upfront that there were no hard feelings. She was probably dreading the hatred that she thought would ooze from your pores. And I, too, think you did a fabulous job explaining it. Thanks for sharing.

Judy Haley said...

wow! what a big day. Thats a wonderful story. I'm glad you got to meet her.

Candid Carrie said...

Go rest, it has been a very long day. Maybe count the money with InMa tonight. It will help you sleep. You can tell her I said she should. ;)

Lori said...

I am SO glad that things went well!!

~Billie~ said...

It gave me goosebumps. I am so happy for you. I hope you can meet again very soon. What a beautiful thing. I second IM, congrats on the not barfing. LOL!

TentCamper said...

Thank you all. I guess I did ok. I will count the coins but I will have to rest tomrrow I just got back from another day on the road. Hair folicle testig to satisfy you know who. But now I can see my BOYS!!!!!

EmBee said...

Congratulations on what must surely have been one of the most gut wrenching experiences of your life.

My husband and I have a saying for facing difficult situations, it goes something like this:

When you have to eat a toad, you don't want to have to look at that sucker for too long... Just belly up and take a bite!

That moment when you expressed your feelings of standing at the door and preparing to run or ring the bell... Well, congratulations on the bellying up! How fantastic also that the toad ended up tasting SO good! :-D

leezee52 said...

I'll I can say is that I needed a couple of tissues!!! Boy I don't know if I could have handled it the way you did. I hope everything goes well with your Birth Mother and you two can be in each other lives.

Blarney said...

I know your BM was scared as hell, dare I say more scared than you. You were brave, smart, human and wonderful.

buffalodickdy said...

I glad that all went well for you-really..... You know, between you and the Insane One, I think there is a script or a soap opera pilot in your lives somewhere...

doggybloggy said...

I read hers first and yours second and yours is way better.....it gave me goosebumps....you are a good man.

SherE1 said...

That's a great story! So glad the meeting went well. Thanks for sharing!


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