Into The Depths Of Hell

So the other day, Insane Mama, 11 year old Megan, 9 year old Christie, some kids from our day camp and I decided to head out to Malibu for a leisurely hike.

We got out to the state park around 11:30AM. The parking lot was full of trucks and movie trailers. I was worried that after getting all the way there that it would be closed off for some dumb movie being filmed. Luckily, it was open and we watched as both general visitors and crew members from the set were walking into the park.

After parking and gathering the “boat-load” of “things” everyone thought we’d need…we headed down the trail. None of us had been there for quite some time…so it was a bit unfamiliar to us all. I was holding a bunch of stuff but I did not mind cuz from what I remembered…It would not be far until we got to a really cool grotto with trees, a waterfall and a swimming hole.

It was about 95 degrees and I was tiring quickly. As we rounded a corner of the trail, we caught a glimpse of a small airplane in the bushes. Nearing it, we realized that it was a prop for the filming and was a staged plane crash. I stopped and asked the security guard what they were filming (hoping for 24, Prison Break, LOST…or something cool like that.) He told us that it was for the show NUMBERS. We watch that show and thought that it could be cool to see a little behind the scenes…action.

As we moved on (with the 40 year old slug) …oh…I mean me, losing uumph, we had to stop to re-distribute all of the “stuff” that we, so badly, needed to bring. Looking around, we saw no picnic areas, no streams, no waterfalls and no swimming holes. Everything was DRY! The trail stretched out in front of us, for what seemed to be 100 miles. After the next corner, we saw a small visitor’s center with picnic tables out front. The VC was closed, but we decided to stop for lunch there. Cold drinks, sandwiches, etc…you know…re-fueling. Right then my phone rang. It was 16 year old Amanda…calling from the beach. “Did you feel the earthquake?!?” I had not clue. She filled me in on the 5.4 quake that had just happened. Either the walking or my already shaking bones made me unable to feel the quake. The center of the quake was about 30 miles away. Freaked out by the size of the quake…could be a precursor for something much bigger…we decided to get a move on…at least get in a quick swim before the end of the world.

As we were finishing up, a truck with a ranger came by. I asked if there was a cool place for us to sit, eat and play in the water. He pointed down a trail and said that it was another 5 minutes or so. We happily and enthusiastically packed up our stuff and did a bee line to the trail. Around the first turn, we bumped into the crew for the show. It was kind of cool seeing everything up close…but I did not see "Agent Don Epps" or "Professor Epps". As hot as it was, we moved on quickly…wanting to get into the shade up ahead…and find the magical waterfall that I had been spouting off about.

After about a mile and a half hike (from the parking lot) we came to the swimming hole. There was no waterfall (too dry this time of the year) but there were about 7 billion bees. Now, I don’t want to come across as some sort of sissy, but I HATE BEES. I always have. The last time I was stung…my arm swelled to the size of a baseball. I went over to the picnic table to put down my cargo and noticed that there were bees everywhere. I started to back away slowly…then burst into a run. From about 50 yards away, I …yelled…to Insane Mama that there were too many bees for me. As she smiled, acknowledging my fear…I mean…allergy…Christie and Megan started to poke fun at me. Typically…I poke fun, they poke fun, it’s all good…but today, 8 billion bees, heat stroke, a sore neck (from the night before…TY baby) and …oh...did I mention all of the fucking bees? I did not want to hear any crap from the little peanut gallery.

I started a very strategic attempt to get up to the swimming hole that all of them were now in. I’d scan small areas, one at a time…if there were no bees, I’d move into that spot….and so on until I was up to the water’s edge. YEAH RIGHT!!!!!! Those little flying pricks wanted me DEAD!!!!!! I know it. They easily backed me out of the entire area. I was watching IM and the kids swim from about 100 yards away. Everyone kept saying to just get in the water…there were no bees out there. Yeah, well I know that as soon as I started to get undressed…I’d have a gang of bees up my shorts …stinging my nethers! Real freakin fun! Maybe it was the beginning of the end…instead of locusts…they sent bees…just for me. With the heat, the bees, the earthquake, the bees, the hike, the bees, the troop of kids nagging me, and the bees…..oh boy….good times were had!!!!!!

Standing in the hot sun…on high alert for bees for about 45 minutes… Thanks Insane Mama and kids for coming to say hi once in a while!...oh….they didn’t! Finally, I heard IM tell the kids that it was time to pack it up…that we had to go. I quickly did a 180 and said that I’d meet them up the trail a bit. Happy to get out of the freakin hive…I started to relax. About a minute later, they all caught up to me…and what do you think the first thing out of the kid’s mouths was? Yup…”you’re afraid of bees, you’re afraid of bees!” Oh just fuck yourselves! (at least that’s what I was thinking as I smiled and explained that If I had been stung a bunch of times and lived…I’d be a nasty, unreasonably angry, grumpy ogre of a man…and would they want that? The conversation luckily ended there. I smirked as we hightailed it the mile and a half back. Just before we hit the parking lot…we did see a van pass by with “Don Epps” in his FBI garb speeding down the little dirt road to where they were filming. At least that gave me some happiness.