Confucius Vs. Dr. Phil

I don’t know about you but recently I have been having some issues with the sayings like, “Money can’t buy love.” and “Money doesn’t equal happiness."

I know that literally they are true, but at the core of what they mean….I have always thought it to be… without the ‘pad’ of money, it is much easier to feel/experience what love really is.

Now…Philosophers and ‘wise men’ may say these things, while at the same time, psychologists and socioeconomic studies say the complete opposite. “The lack of money and financial hard times are proven to be the root of a great deal of divorce, break ups, and household dysfunction.”

WTF!?

With the economy, lack of work and rising costs of having 6 kids (schools, groceries, movies, ice cream, birthday gifts, etc., etc.) The ‘lack of funds’ is proving to have a devastating effect on our whole house.

Mariah and I worry about ‘making it’ through the month, while the kids, increasingly, need things - and we don't need the kids worrying about our money situation. Continually telling the kids that we can’t afford it or that it will have t wait kind of puts a damper on their day and makes them wonder how stable our family really is. Meanwhile, Mariah and my stress levels rise and it tends to come out in the form of a cold, angry, or unhappy attitude…which then equates to the Gods pissing on our ‘flame.’

I love Mariah. I love all of the kids. I love the time we are able to spend together. I love what we have. But these days it seems that, whether it is Mariah and I or one of us with one of ( or a group of ) the kids…tempers are short, attitudes uneasy and the lovey, cuddly sides of us all are pushed aside from the stress. I feel like at any given time…someone in the house is in a foul mood…and does everyone else have the right to be cheery and happy?

I miss the constant smiles that we all once shared. I miss the spontaneous love making. I miss the luxury of being able to take Mariah out for an evening.

I want it all back!

I know that it is all part of being an adult, being a parent, being out of work and struggling through hard times…but it is plaguing me and I fucking hate it!!!!

Peeing in a Tornado

OK….What gives?

Let’s just say that reflecting on things…sitting or lying down trying to assess my current situation… has become quite the nightmare of a task.

Basic summary:

I am unemployed.

I have been looking for work for about a year and have literally come up dry. I won’t say that I have been out on the streets banging on doors every day, but I have sent my resume to thousands of people and still….nothing.

I know that the economy and the current job market suck right now…and that huge numbers of people are out of work…which just makes it that much harder.

There seem to be many reasons that I am not finding work:
Over-qualified
No experience
Felony record

Now, over the past 25 years, I have done the following for work; Restaurant (dishwasher, server, bar back, assistant manager), Construction (roofer, grunt for wood framing contractor), Mental Health (worker and then manager for 2 different group homes for mentally handicapped adults), Public Relations (in-house for House of Blues, then started a PR firm which I ran for 8 years), Internet/Magazines (co-founded 2 successful online magazines and acted as Executive Editor for another), Professional (General administration and then promoted to Operations Manager for an LA based financial consulting firm.)

When I apply to PR/marketing companies…I usually get, “too qualified” or “we found someone who better matches our needs.”
When I apply to offices for Admin jobs…I did not work in that field long enough or I am over qualified (what the fuck does that mean?...both over and under????)
When I apply at McDonalds and grocery stores (which I have) I get turned away upon them seeing a felony record.
When I apply for general labor jobs, I do not have current experience…15 years ago does not seem to count.
…WHATEVER… The point is, I CAN”T FIND A FUCKING GOOD JOB!
(**if you know of anything…feel free to let me know)

Am I going to have to move to freakin Greece and become a fisherman? Try out for Deadliest Catch, leverage everything I can and give it a shot as a professional poker player?

What?...you ask what my dream job is? I would start as a crew member and then an owner of a sportfishing charter…fishing the big boys off southern Baja. Shit…I’d take cleaning the docks in Marina Del Rey.

AND THEN…..My (pending) divorce…
This case has been going on for more than 3.5 years. She has a (well she is on her 5th) lawyer and I (since the start) can’t afford one and did not think that there was enough to argue about to really need one. MY BAD! So, I am still not, technically, divorced (although the judge granted the dissolution more than a year ago.) All I want is to have fair / standard time with my boys. I suppose that if I got a job, I could hire an attorney and get this whole thing over with…but scroll back to the top.

With 6 kids – it is hard not to feel like a total fucking loser. The situation is absolutely Maddening!

Well…..enough of this pity / venting shit and back to actually feeling like shit.

Time Travel...To The 70s and 80s

A bit random…but I am just going to throw it out there…

Is it only me or do any of you with you could just go back in time to the late 70s or early 80s?

I loved that time…I mean sure…I got into some trouble and drove my parents absolutely insane…but I was a boy growing up in rural New Hampshire and there were no video games, addicting TV shows, cell phones to distract us.

I loved cruising around with my friends, hanging out, causing trouble and having good old fashion boy fun.

These days things are so much more complicated…yes, I know that much of that comes from being a father to 6 kids, but even when I put myself in any of their shoes…with the texting and Internet shit that they get into, the drama with all of the cliques in schools, the gangs, teens driving all over creation, etc. it is enough to drive a man nuts!

We just grounded our 12 year old and she has absolutely no clue what to do. She can’t go hang out with friends and can’t use her cell phone. We told her that she could use the house phone to call and talk to her friends and she said, “No thanks…I don’t want to talk to them…I want to text them.”

How fucking impersonal are cell phones and IMing, email and all of the other Internet communications making our kids?

We just allowed her to use AIM and she has been at the computer for 3 hours and counting….WTF!?

Now I guess we will have to limit her use. I know that kids don’t have the self control that we wished they did…shit I don’t have the self control that I wished I did…but the fact of the matter is that ….when I was a kid, and none of that stuff was around…life just seemed much more innocent, fun and …shit….easier.

Talk About A Complete Woman

The first time I saw her, sitting across the room from me, I was in awe. Her very presence threw me off balance. Thinking of what to say to her was futile. I could not get words to pass my lips. I sat there, hypnotized by her.

After a day of continuous thoughts and dreams, I took the leap and uttered a string of words to her that to this day I have no recollection. Something happened. I did not have to think of what to say …the words just flowed out. Talking to this stranger was the easiest thing I had ever done.

We bonded very quickly and talked about everything. We shared our secrets, likes, dislikes, histories…our entire lives. After only a few days, it was as if we’d known each other since birth. The number of things that we have in common is absolutely amazing.

This was 3 ½ years ago. Today I feel the same way. We are very similar, but even with our differences…we balance each other in the most perfect way.

In this woman…with her; old man fetishes, quirky weirdness, yearning to ‘rescue’ any and all animals to keep as pets…her love for religion and her uncontrollable and overwhelming tendency to emotionally be sucked into ANYONE’S misfortune…..I have found the woman that I’d do anything for…that I will be with til the end of time…that makes me strive to be better every day…that STILL makes my heart beat faster in her presence.

This sexy, smart, funny, outgoing, loving and honest woman is the woman of my dreams.

**I wonder if she knows who she is.

Fake Fuckers, Exes and the Internet

I will start by throwing out a quick question….
Why the fuck has Blogging and Twitter become so cliquey?

I think it is stupid that people’s circles tend to grow by the number of noses that they can fit up their asses and how many bung holes they themselves can snuggle with.

I started blogging and using Twitter as they were good tools for throwing out your honest thoughts and feelings. I no longer feel this way. I am seeing all of these little cliques of people pretending to be people that they are not…gravitating towards the folks that have a bit of a following already. It is like being in high school all over again.

The fact that people can’t be comfortable just being themselves is beyond me. As you may have noticed, I have not posted anything in a while, have not been commenting and Twittering has been less frequent. I am about at a loss of words.

My ex Twitters and blogs and has seemingly gathered a little, mentally challenged, group of folks that she has convinced that I am some kind of devil and now these people follow my blogs and tweets as well as everything that Mariah writes.

Yes, I know…this post is morphing…but not that much off point.

Anyway, this woman, my ex, is soooooo not the person that she leads you to believe. (I will distribute email addresses for a handful of folks that know her quite well that can tell you ….if you are interested) She has sole legal and physical custody of my boys , yet has been evicted from 4 houses in 5 years for not paying rent. She has been booted from several banks for being fraudulent, has had my boys switch schools cuz she does not pay the tuition, etc, etc.

I’d be fine with her doing whatever she wants but now I am having my boys complain to me about having to live with their friends …and having to move…AGAIN.

She and her lawyers (who she is on number 4 now…yes…unpaid bills) have done a pretty good job convincing the judge that I am not a capable father(…yet am side by side with Mariah, raising her 4 children) and a drug addict (yet I’ve passed every urine and hair follicle test thrown at me.

I don’t know…this whole thing is making me sick and I wish people could just be real, say what is on their mind and not worry so much about what the fuck other people think about them.

People who are friends with my ex….unfollow me and and Mariah and mind your fucking business! You don’t know us and have never met us...(with the exception of one back-stabbing fucker...who knows who he is.)

Those of you who just need to belong to a popular clique…I hope you grow up…for your families’ sake.

Guess that is enough for now…

I will undoubtedly lose some followers from this one!!!! I could care less.

AND IT TOOK LESS THAN AN HOUR TO GET THESE TWO EMAILS FROM THE TIME i POSTED THIS...

You lying son of a bitch. I've switched schools bc of tuition!? Our sons were in PUBLIC school and I switched them to private. I've been evicted 5 times? You're a lying sob and I'm filing for a restraining order as (My lawyer) already said I should. Especially since I've been told you said you'd commit homicide if you were here. I think that's the 3rd time you've said that? (And yes, people got screen shots before you deleted that tweet)

You don't know the truth but are lying about me. Yet you have no job, fraudulently claim the kids on your taxes, neglect the kids. You are in for the biggest shitstorm of your life. You owe me tens of thousands in child support, our children witness prostitutes with you, you don't properly care for our kids, I could go on. I have kept quiet for the sake of (The Boys), but since you don't care about them, I guess it is time to stoop to your level. I didn't before but I'm done.

And then you attack Jim? He knows who you are. He's a real man. He is an amazing dad. You are a pathetic, lazy, drug addict, liar who would rather focus on me because that's easier than looking at your own flaws.

Real smart to do this right before we're headed to court and I've gotten an earful from some of your "friends" already in Chicago.

Off to mingle with more of your 'friends'

…

And then…

Oh - and about the address. Mail any supposed check to (My Lawyer’s) office. We're telling the court about your recent actions including helping someone who has been stalking us and threatening homicide yourself, so in addition to a restraining order we are seeking to limit your visitation and prevent you from knowing where I live.

Please do not email me anymore. All communication needs to go through my lawyer (and no, he's not my 4th lawyer), since you are harassing me.

A Better Man

Conflicted, twisted, can’t get it straight
Feelings of uselessness invade the mind
Is there a better man for them?
A candle flickering, the sun peaking through clouds
Fighting off the self disgust
Jealousy, insecurity...the stabbing pain
Is there a better man for them?
Doing my best…not nearly enough
Happy but hating
Loving and loved…but is it enough
Things can’t go on in the manner they are
Is there a better man for them?
The scale teeters, weight on both sides
What is for the best – love or money
Clutching to a thread, unable to choose
I had better be right, I’ve got everything to lose

Am I helping or hurting?

Manic TentCamping Road Trip

As most of you already know, Manic Mariah and I are going on a road trip. We are driving from Santa Monica to northern Georgia on June 23rd and will be leaving Georgia around the 6th of July and going from Georgia to Mammoth, CA for a few more days.

We would love to meet any of you guys and would also like suggestions on where to go, what to see and where to eat along our route. If any of you live (anywhere) along our route and are interested in grabbing a drink or giving us some tips on things to do…PLEASE LET US KNOW.

Below is a map (with a link to an interactive map) of our route…Please check it out and hook up with us along our drive.

‘Normal’ childhood? – Part Two - Fork Dinner

Be sure to read part one before this one

We were all sitting around our gi-freaking-normous dinner table one night and B1 and S2 were sitting at the head and the foot of the table. It was the usual banter, bickering and chaos that it had always been and our parents had grown fond of eating their dinner at the kitchen bar.

At the table, something B1 said to S2 made her pissed. I, to this day do not know what it was but she was furious. The tone between them became more like Carrie and Freddy Kruger going at it and the rest of us just sat there staring at the two of them…it was actually getting pretty good….until, out of nowhere, S2 picked up her fork and (as if she’d been secretly studying with Ninjas) threw her fork across the table with such precision that it stuck, squarely in my brother’s forehead. (The fork mind you, sticking straight out of his head, was about an inch above but directly between his eyebrows)…held there by the 3 prongs that neatly wedged themselves ever so slightly into his forehead.

All of us just sat there …mouths on the floor, eyes open wide with amazement…but nobody said a word…not even the two of them. Our parents, not hearing any more yelling, instantly KNEW something had gone awry, came running in to see what had happened. Both of them stopped abruptly when the saw the fork, that was protruding from B1’s head, drop to the table with a loud clanking sound.

They then ran to him and checked his head and proceeded to load him into the car and off to the emergency room.

After all was said and done, and my brother had no serious injury (except for the line of three dots in the middle of his forehead that were visible for about a year) that story has been told by us all, parents included, with a smile.

Stay tuned for the next glimpse into my childhood… The Bat and the Broom

Parents are F'ing Up Their Kids

When I think back to my childhood and what TV shows I watched. I find it funny how different things are today…with the ratings, parental controls and people lobbying against shit that really would not make a difference if kids had better parenting.

Overall…I think it is all about the parenting…not what kids see or watch on TV.

When I was a kid, I watched:
Cartoons including; Underdog, The Shmoos, Scooby Doo, The Flinstones, Bugs Bunny Road Runner Hour and Sylvester and Tweety
As well as; the A-Team, Land of the Lost, Eight is Enough, Hawaii Five-O, Hardcastle and McCormick, Beretta, CHIPS, Dukes of Hazard, Planet of the Apes, Starsky and Hutch, etc.

These days…I don’t know that parents (in general) would allow young kids to watch those shows….well, with the exception of Eight is Enough and a few of the cartoons. I saw something years ago that named the Bugs Bunny Road Runner Hour and Sylvester and Tweety two of the most violent shows on TV. WTF?!

I guess I just don’t know why parents are not taking responsibility for their kids…and are just throwing the blame for their fucked up kids on TV and the entertainment industry. My feeling is that a kid (for the most part) can watch whatever …as long as the parents do their job teaching the child right and wrong, respect, and that they can talk with them about anything…the kid will be fine.

We don’t (again…for the most part) sensor anything that the kids watch and if they are watching something that is disturbing to them or that they don’t understand…we are there to openly discuss it with them.

I think that it is the kids that can’t (for whatever reason) talk to their parents and are left home in front of a TV with nobody teaching them about life…or the kids who's parents are so over protective that they can't do shit without mommy hovering and making all of the decisions...those are the ones who end up with the big problems.

PARENTS!!!!!! Schools don’t teach kids respect, honor, right and wrong and morals. They don’t reinforce the ‘family first’ mentality that I think all people should be taught. They don’t teach about peer pressure, gangs, the laws, how to communicate with parents.
THAT IS YOUR JOB!!!!

Stop blaming everyone else for your inability to spend quality time with your kids, communicate with them and teach them what they need to know to have a good life.

I propose we put a ban on sheltering children and fine parents who blame others for their kids fucking up or being complete sissies!

Nothing Neighborly About My Hood

I will start by saying that I live in a very nice, safe and …sort of upscale neighborhood and love our proximity to the ocean (7 blocks.) This is great and good for the kids. They can walk to the beach, shopping, schools…and we have no need to worry about their safety.

The one thing that has lodged itself beneath my skin is how different this neighborhood is from the one that I grew up in. As a kid, I remember knowing everyone in the neighborhood. My parents knew everyone and got together for dinner or drinks with them regularly. We, as kids, would cruise around and go door to door hanging out with each other. It was a very comfortable feeling…one of community and friendliness.

Here on the other hand, no matter how hard we try, our neighbors SUCK!!!! Even on our block…nobody hangs outside. Nobody is invited to anyone’s BBQs or get-togethers. There is not even a “hello” while walking down the street. We may get a little head nod, but I just don’t get it.

This is a house that Mariah grew up in and her family has been here for more than 25 years…still nothing. There are a few kids on the block that are the same age as our kids…yet none of them play together. Some of the adults are our age, yet socializing is unheard of. What the fuck?!

The only neighbor that is friendly and eager to talk and be involved is the family directly next door…but they barely speak English. They are Chinese and the language barrier is more of a brick wall than a barrier. Mr. Neighbor does come over when he sees me outside, to spark up random little conversations (which is nice and I do appreciate the effort) but often I think that we both get a bit frustrated with our inability to communicate effectively.

As an example (because it just happened) he asked me and I had to try to explain about TPing. (Some girls who have a crush on our son snuck over the other night and did their best to cover our hedge and tree out front with toilet paper.) Mr. Neighbor was concerned, so I had to explain that it was all in fun and that it was something that young teens do as a sign of affection and playfulness. This conversation was one that lasted at least 30 minutes and was primarily me talking and him nodding with a blank look on his face.

Anyway…we have been seriously considering moving. We love the area we are in but this un-neighborly neighborhood that we are in is a shitty feeling that is too hard to shake. I would, quite frankly, rather live in a trailer park in tornado alley with neighbors who hung out together, looked after one another and were just plain neighborly.

Enough venting for me…for now…I have to pee!

the good old days

Scary but good…how far we’ve come since “the good old days.”

Back then they were the good old days, now…as an adult looking back…how the fuck am I not completely fucked up and locked away somewhere?

My parents got divorce when I was in first grade and we (the kids) spent the school year with our mom and the summers with our father. I remember loving the summer. When asked what my fondest and happiest childhood memory is…it is from one of those summers. NOW, my emotions are very conflicted. Within the same summer…I had my fondest as well as my most devastating childhood experiences.

We were living at the house overlooking the ocean in Maine. I look back and can see how I would have loved it as a kid…but now, as an adult…who the fuck were these people?

It was my step-grandmother’s house and my sister and I lived there with my father, step-mother, her brother and sister and their mother. WTF right there.

I would go out to my uncle’s (the detached guest house) and hang with him for a few hours. Not only would he let me rummage through his endless stacks of Playboys, but he also taught me how to smoke marijuana. I thought I was the coolest kid on the block. Porn, weed, hanging with a guy 15 years older than me…Life was good.

Now looking back on that…a 12 year old boy sitting around smoking pot and looking at porno mags with a 30 year old guy…not so good. Kind of creepy and …shit just not right.

Also that infamous summer…I, on more than one occasion, proceeded to go into my aunt’s (my step-mother’s sister) room when she was in the bath tub. This family was very open, free-loving and…not shy.

She told me that it was ok to come in, which I did. She started by asking what I wanted her for. I was at a loss – especially after watching her soapy boobs bobbing around in the water. I tried to act like I was unaffected but I think that my inability to avert my eyes from the first set of real boobs. My aunt humorously assured me that naked bodies are normal, natural and nothing to be ashamed of and it was ok to look. I have to say that although I felt a bit weird…I took her up on the offer – I was a 12 year old boy you know.

After the second ‘bath conversation’ (yes…there were …a few) I was becoming more comfortable just sitting and talking to her and less and less just staring at her boobs. At one point during one of our chats, she asked me to rub soap on her back. I obliged, without even thinking about it. It was not until my increasingly confused mind started wondering what would happen if I touched the sides of her boos while I was rubbing soap on her back….what the fuck is wrong with me? That is my aunt! Wait a minute…What the fuck is wrong with her?!

Anyway…I think you get the gist of what I am saying and how a 12 year old boy could have seen these times as the times of his life. But, at the same time…How fucked was all of that? If anything like that happened these days…everyone would be locked up and under psychiatric care.

big ass needles and cutting tools

I think that I hide it pretty well, but I have to say that I’ve been living with quite a debilitating fear…poking around in my head lately.

I have recently been granted more time with my 2 boys and I feel that Mariah’s kids all love me and see me as a reliable and permanent fixture in their lives. Those two things make me the happiest man on Earth.

The scary part is that I have been feeling run down. Back problems, eyes get a bit discolored, ears clog daily along with recent throat problems, always fatigued, my ‘waste management’ department does not seem to be running smoothly (although…that could just be in my head.)

I have been to the doctor and had physicals and stuff, but I don’t over-dramatize all of these symptoms to the doctor. I don’t want to be a complainer or whiner. I suck it up and power on. It is just that these days I can’t help but to feel like something serious is going on every time I start to feel something ‘off.’

My throat has been killing me for 2 days now and it does not seem like a normal sore throat…instantly I start thinking…’it is throat cancer and I am FUCKED!’ Then I have a day when my bowel movements just don’t seem right…and I pee every 5 minutes…followed by feeling like I need to pee and just can’t...and I smoke and drink.

It is driving me crazy…but I do not say anything…I know Mariah is going to kick my ass and march me into a doctor after she reads this. I don’t want her to worry or freak out, and I genuinely fear going to a doctor with everything and having him say that I am FUCKED!

On the other hand…I am 41, I run around and play, wrestle and horse around with the kids all day. I (think) look much younger than I am. I am strong and have never had any medical problems. All of this shit could just be a figment of my imagination.

I need to be here for Mariah and all of our kids, but doctors and their frequent misdiagnosis, over medicating, treating things that are really not ‘things’ and …big ass needles and cutting tools.

I have never had surgery, never actually spent a night in a hospital…and I hate to admit, as a man, that Hospitals and all that cutting shit, scares the crap out of me. I can’t fathom the idea of me having to go in for some surgery or something. I could see myself skipping the country and living out my days on a beach in Costa Rica before checking into a hospital.

Maybe I just need to stop watching House and get some medical marajuana or something...and just chill!
Mariah…take it easy on me and …really….I’m ok.

3 Fucking Years!!!!!!

You ever have something that you really want to do (for many reasons) and you just can’t seem to get it done…no matter how hard you try?

Well that is MY LIFE!

As you all know…I married the wrong bitch-ass, cunt, troll, psycho person the first time around. We separated in September of 2005 and the divorce proceedings started shortly afterward.

Now…3 FUCKING YEARS LATER…I still can’t seem to get the freakin troll off my back!

I love my two young boys (who live with their motherfucker) to death…but I want the legal issues to be finalized so that there is no more back and forth and we can all move on.
I fell in love with Mariah (Insane Mama) and her kids…I want to marry her, but I can’t until my divorce is finalized.
I want to be able to get along ok with mongoloid cunt…but she is a nasty, backstabbing piece of shit…and I have to say that I’ve had some pretty evil thoughts about her…and her well being…and continue to find myself smiling after each thought.

How can a divorce case last more than 3 years when there is no fight over money or property? Well…let me tell you:

She has ‘changed’ lawyers 4 times…each time the new one would be granted a continuance.
She has come to every court appearance with long lists of accusations, which the judge (by law) has to examine.
She makes a point to state at every opportunity that she will not agree to, but is willing to ‘discuss’ overnight visits down the road…knowing that that is what I want…so we have to go back to court and fight again.

On another note….but about as frustrating…I had this throat problem since last December, where I irritatingly clear my throat every 5 minutes or so…EVERY DAY!!! At first I thought that I was just a bit sick, then tried some random over the counter meds that by reading them I thought might work. Then I went to see my Dr. who told me that it must be an allergy….although the allergist and blood work up that I had done said that I am not allergic to anything. My doc put me on Zyrtec D and the shit stopped…after about 2 weeks…but in the meantime…I got a cold and now, although not clearing my throat…I can’t get rid of my hacking cough. Just another thing that I just can’t seem to have ‘closure’ with.

TALK ABOUT PEEING IN THE WIND!

TentCampress And His Moon

I may have to see some sort of doctor…or scientists or something. Why you ask? Well, as most of you know, I live with Insane Mama and her 3 daughters and her son. The women in the house are 9, 11, 16 and, well, Insane Mama is in her 30’s.

I know that when women/girls who live together often start to ‘synchronize’ with their periods (or ‘moons’ as we call it here in the house of insanity.)

Now the reason that I may be in need of some sort of specialist is because I think that I may be….’synchronizing’. Right around the time that Insane Mama and 16 year old Amanda are entering into their spell of Pre Moon Syndrome (PMS), I start to crave ALL food, I get cranky, short tempered, I get cramps (from gas) and nothing that goes on in my life (for that week span) is ever right…or good enough.

I am scared! I say that cuz…what is next? I fear that I’ll wake up one morning lying in a pool of my own blood. Where will I bleed from? Shit that scares me!

With all of the others in the house…my irritability is irrational. It makes no sense. There is no logical reason for my MOODS and I have no way of explaining what is happening. I try to equate it with men’s sympathy pains during pregnancies…but that does not fly around here. When the two eldest females of the house are…irrational…I am the one who is supposed to be there to hold down the fort.

Now I don’t want any of you to feel bold enough to say something like, “maybe you are part woman and you actually GET PMS.” Or, “that maybe I am turning into a woman. That shit don’t fly on my blog!

Anyway…I don’t know if I need a doctor, a scientist/researcher or a freaking shrink.

PLEASE HELP ME!!!

Notes From The Planet EX

The following is a sampling of some of the recent emails that I’ve gotten from the EX.
I am convinced that she is COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL...what do you think?


Chris,

We already know how it will go based on past experience and I know what is best for my boys who I am with everyday. I am the one that has to deal with them not getting up for school and being cranky the next AM.
I was hoping you would finally work with me but if I have to go to court to have visitation amended, I will since you are being unreasonable and unwilling to make a small change that is in the boys best interest. I'm sure the judge will agree as usual. .

But I guess I shouldn't expect cooperation from people who let 11 year olds operate motor craft and don't call 911 when someone overdoses to protect them from CPS. I suppose its my obligation to report such issues and concerns too. Good thing I grabbed screen shots about the not calling 911 and fear of CPS before that was removed.

I owe my lawyer $20000 thanks to having to go to court with your unfit self, so I had to cut him loose. I can't afford his bills when I am raising the boys. But he will finish the work he was retained for and he referred me to another great but more affordable lawyer to take over from here.
-----

Hi -

I know we agreed to 930a - 530p this Sunday but is there any way you can come earlier just this Sunday? You can still bring them back @ 530p but my plans got moved around a bit so it would make a huge difference if you could help me out by picking them up as early as possible.

I know you're probably not inclined to help me, but perhaps we can finally put all the craziness aside and this could be a first step in trying to help each other instead of working against each other? My friend, Kim, who you met at Jack's school has such a good relationship with he ex-husband (and his new wife) despite some very similar issues they went through, and I'd like for us all to get in a similar place someday and just put the past aside. I think I finally see that you have the boys' best interests at heart and wouldn't do anything to hurt/damage them, and I'd just like to move forward. All this drama is exhausting.

Let me know what you think.
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I know you emailed Jim too.

And I'm sorry that it is sad for you, I really am, but these are people that are VERY ACTIVE -- as in almost daily -- in our lives. We go on vacations with Jim and his family, he's like an uncle to the boys and has become like my brother over the past few years. He has really been there for us. And you know already that Linda and I are very close.

I will leave it up to them but I just think its very hard. -- especially because these two men are so close to me.

I too am happy that we seem to be getting along better and I hope we can keep it that way, but Eric and Jim have been huge parts of my support system during the very bad times and I think that it will be very hard to maintain active friendships.

I really don't want you to think I'm being intentionally mean, territorial or anything. I also don't want to speak for them...I just wanted to relay that Jim and Eric and very important people in our lives and it will be very weird -- for all -- to try to reconstruct what you had with them before.
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Jaden's camp counselor just told me that he said something about going to the beach with you and the waves had carried him far off to the side and he couldn't see you (? Not sure exactly what he means) and he couldn't see you. Apparently she asked who was with him and he said no one, that the adults weren't in the water.

I haven't talked to Jaden yet, but the boys have just learned how to swim literally this summer and don't go to the beach often, so I would feel much more comfortable if you could stay close to them if possible. We also know someone whose 6 year old just died a couple of months ago (drowned in a pool and his parents were literally right there...and he could swim -- it was because of it that I pit the boys in a 10 day intensive swim class) so I'm extra sensitive about it.
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I know…he has been lying a lot about little things and it has been going on for some time. I address it with him and his therapist has been working on it. And, yes, he has a lot of anger and jealously about Mariah and her kids that he hasn’t told me about but that does come up with his therapist. She has been working with him on it. But, I really don’t think he would steal anything…maybe intentionally hide it.

I also recently started seeing someone pretty seriously who he’s not happy about either. He has been acting out more again and we think it’s about that, even though he hasn’t met him yet but he knows of him. I was actually supposed to go away with him this weekend but cancelled my trip because Jaden was so unhappy / acting out. His behavior has been a problem and we’re working hard on it. I think it really is just a product of everything that has gone on…Jack was so young but Jaden had to deal with a lot.

Anyway, we’re working on it and I will let you know if I can find out anything about the iPod.
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I’m still so pissed off about this. Jaden says he didn’t touch it and I believe him. YOU, as his FATHER, should believe him. He admitted to scribbling on Megan’s book. He told me about it too. He is angry and he is a CHILD. He acts out. The fact that you are accusing him of doing something to someone in your new family without being sensitive to the child that put up with so much trauma because of YOU and because of MARIAH and that you are sticking up for those kids and throwing yours under a bus is so sad.

I have been trying to take the high road lately and brush all the crap that has gone on, the crap that I read about that makes me want to keep my boys far away from you and Mariah, the crap that others tell me, the fact that you don’t support your own children and all you get $10,000 checks for doing nothing from Mariah’s family while I work my tail off to support the kids you also brought into this world… I have been trying to forget all that just to civil for the sake of Jaden and Jack.

But this really pushed me over the edge. That, combined with Mariah’s evil comments about MY CHILDREN.
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Things were going well
...and then you and Mariah decided to accuse Jaden of something he didn’t do. And now posting half-truths about me on her blog. Why did I send you the emails I did? Because I am defending MY AMAZING SON that you and she judged.

Everything was FINE until you guys accused Jaden of stealing and then MARIAH posted about Jaden on Twitter. Even if it’s gone now, I saw it and grabbed a screenshot and it was WRONG.YOU and MARIAH are the ones that decided to get nasty – not with me, but with MY SON.

This isn’t about me – I don’t care WHAT you think about me. And, all of the friends you miss so much want nothing to do with you – they are still my friends…even “RM, the actor” – he didn’t get famous and fall out of the circle, he was also disgusted by you.

The reason I am mad is because you turned on your OWN SON and Mariah, who has NO RIGHT TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT JADEN decided to get nasty about him.

And boy, was that a mistake because I am about to use every freaking bit of ammunition I have been holding back in court again. I will NOT have my boys around people like her who don’t treat them the way they should be treated. If my boyfriend treated the boys badly or said evil things about them, you wouldn’t be happy either. Of course, I would never be with someone like that.
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In the morning.

I would have Mariah quit bad mouthing me on Twitter and talking about something she doesn’t know about. Isn’t it bad enough that your son hates you? Bad mouthing their mother isn’t going to help.
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We have a conflict on 9/21 so unfortunately you will have to miss the visit that day.

Also - we will need to go back to court to discuss visitation in light of some serious issues that have been brought up - including that Jaden was injured at your home on his last visit because you allowed him and Jack to jump out of a window multiple times, my concerns about your drinking as well as the stability of the others in your household and their influence on Jaden and Jack.

You will receive notice of the court date via mail.
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MY LAST EMAIL TO HER SAID THAT I DO NOT WANT HER TO EMAIL ME ANYMORE.

I can not deal with her BS anymore!

I wish I were a Jason Bourne-like sniper

As my first ‘Private’ post, I thought it proper of me to offer up some sort of explanation as to my desire to pee a bit more stealthily.

WARNING: This post WILL contain VULGAR language and TRAMATIC imagery.

As many of you know, I took my blog ‘private’ because my (soon to be) ex wife and her friends have been reading it…and using much of what I write against me.

I will give you all a bit of background and will do my best to get you up to date on where things stand as of today.

About 4 years ago, I realized that the woman that I fell in love with 18 years ago…was not the same woman that I married…actually, she was not a woman at all (not the way some of you sick, twisted fuckers are thinking) she was actually a psychotic, self-centered, fake-as-shit, fat, ugly, deceitful, non-sexual, nasty, egotistical, loud-mouth, fucking bitch of a person…but she IS…my baby’s mama. Even to this day...every time see or talk to her...it takes every inch of my will power not to vomit or poke her eyes out, knock her down and piss all over her.

It was September of 2005 when I finally had had enough of her and all of the shit that she dished out to me. Leaving was a very hard decision. I had two small boys, 4 and 1 1/2 , I knew though, that staying would be misery for us all.

The divorce proceedings began in December of 2005 and are STILL looming over my head. I am here, lingering in some divorce court limbo with that demon I was married to jabbing me in the face with her pitchfork at every opportunity.

Now, I understand her being upset with me…and I understand her general dislike for Insane Mama, but her tactics are so out of control that …. Well, let’s just say that I’ve had dreams that include; blood, severed body parts, ripped out intestines, wild animal attacks…well…I guess you know what I am getting at.

I will just name a few of the things that CUNT has done in her attempts to attack both Insane Mama and myself:
1. Refused to let me see or talk to my boys for almost a year
2. Insisted, in court, that a professional monitor must accompany me on all visits with the boys
3. Accused me of being an uncontrollable drug addict
4. Filed (and received) a restraining order against Insane Mama (provided fraudulent documents in court)
5. Changed lawyers every 6 months (for 3 years now) to slow the whole court process down
6. Schedules family trips and doctor appointments on my visitation days and does not offer opportunity for me to make up the visits
6.When I call the boys (every night) she puts the phone on speaker and monitors every word
7. Tells the boys to say things to me on the phone when we talk (i.e. “mommy wanted me to tell you about my play again…she said that maybe your were drunk or something and forgot.”
8. Is accusing me in court of neglect because my 7 year old got a scratch on his knee
9. Spends her free time trolling my and Insane Mama’s blogs for content that she thinks she can use in court against me
10. Published a whole blog to trash me and disparage my blog and my name
11. Continually threatens to call CPS on Insane Mama

12. Emails me stating how fucked up Insane Mama and her kids are...that they are nasty, white trash, uneducated losers.

Well…the list goes on…but I will spare you the additional 1,000 words.

Please catch up with: the backstory...an the backstory 2

Now...Everyone sing with me

(in the tune of the old Oscar Meyer commercials)

"Oh, I wish I were a Jason Bourne-like sniper...I'd be rid of nasty bitch, and finally free.

There's nothing she could do to make me like her...All I want to do is vomit and pee!"

As this story has...a lot of…substance…I will have to say that this post is…
TO BE CONTINUED…

My Pine Forest

I grew up in a small town in southeastern New Hampshire. That is where I developed my love for the outdoors. As there was not much to do, I (with my brothers and sisters…and friends) spent a lot of time exploring. I loved running around in the woods, playing in fields, climbing trees and just sitting and watching animals ‘doing their thing’ in the forest.

When I look back at my past, I will say that my fondest memory would be at the age of 9, at my grandmother’s house in Newcastle, ME.

She had a large house on a private road. The house sat on a cliff, overlooking the Atlantic and bordered on two sides by a forest of large pine trees. I did love sitting out in the yard, looking out over the beautiful beach and watching the waves crash on the rocks below. My siblings and I had a great time climbing up and down the 50 foot cliff and playing at ‘our beach.’ But most of all…when thinking about this time…I can…still to this day, close my eyes and transport myself back to the pine forest surrounding the house.
I inhale and can smell the soothing aroma of pine. I walk barefoot on the ‘featherbed’ of pine needles that line the floor of the forest. The gentle crackling of the dried needles beneath my bare feet send tingles up my spine. I lie down, feeling the softness of the forest floor. Looking up, the tall pines shelter me on all sides. Large pine cones are scattered, as if sprinkles on a cupcake. I could sit there for days, walking, sitting and staring at the glimpses of sky through the tall bushy trees, rolling around…getting the needles stuck in my clothing and in my big head of hair. It is pure delight.

My love for that little forest of mine was enhanced by the constant smell of salt in the gentle ocean breeze, along with the feeling of being completely safe and secure in ‘My Pine Forest.’

having my shit together

I am going to start by saying that I am a firm believer in organization, preparedness and all around just having my shit together.

Now that school has started up and Summer has come to an end, I thought that I’d get back into the swing of our ‘school year schedule.’ The kids are gone from 8AM until about 4 every day and we finally have time to get things done. Well… at least that is what is supposed to happen. Between our work, after school sports, homework, play dates and our (collectively) new addiction to the blogosphere, shit is still slipping through the cracks.

While grocery shopping the other day, I seem to have forgotten to buy cereal. When I noticed this last night, I went into “the back up storage” to fetch a box to put into the kitchen pantry. Smiling to myself, I was pleased with my preparedness…I actually HAD back-up. I rock…and the kids will eat some tasty Kellogg’s Honey Smacks!!!

13 year old Cody walked into the kitchen this morning to grab some cereal for breakfast and then he looked over at me and said, “ Um…I think this cereal is…a bit old.” I looked over at him, expecting to explain that they are NOT old and that if he wants breakfast…just to eat them. I did not say that…All I could do was laugh. Actually I burst into laughter…after spitting a bit of coffee across the room.

This is what Cody showed me.

Right...that cereal is OUT OF ITS BAG.

I guess one needs to be careful in what items go into the “back-up storage.”

What a great start to my day!!!!

Camping At The Gate

So, today is the first day of school for our kids. We have one in Kindergarten, one in Second, one in Fourth, one in Sixth, one in Eighth and one a Junior in High School. Yes…we have our hands full. Between the afterschool sports, Swimming, rock climbing, soccer, lacrosse, karate, homework help, making dinners and lunches…we barely have time to do anything.

I, wanting to step in and help out (be involved) offered both Insane Mama and myself to volunteer at the middle school twice a week for a few hours each day. We will be at the front gate checking people in. Now…I know…what was I thinking?…taking more of our time to sit at the school…we barely have enough time to buy groceries, clean the house, etc.

Now…I don’t know about you, but where we live…there are some VERY difficult parents. The city that we live in is a funny mix of people. Minus the elderly and homeless populations the city is split between, very laid back, cool, beach-going folks who just want to have their kids get a good education and enjoy life….and the very wealthy, snooty, obnoxious, controlling, uptight people who won’t let their kids be kids and who feel the need to get(DEEP) into everyone else’s shit (business).

Last year we did one day at the gate and had a good time. We played Scrabble and had an opportunity to “parent watch.” It was a blast sometimes, watching these ridiculous parents strolling in thinking that rules don’t apply to them and that their kids were the only ones who mattered. Not to mention what some of these freaks wore. It is scary when you see that mother of a 7th grader waltz into the school dressed like a mix between a hooker and a high school slut. How embarrassing is that for the kid? Anyway…we see all kinds and have gotten a kick out of it.

This year…I am having second thoughts…I want to participate with the school (NO PTA for me!!!!) but don’t know if 6 hours a week at the school will drive me insane or not. I guess, more that dressing like a slut…me peeing on people as they enter the school…might embarrass our two kids there.

Well, I have to go soon….and think that if all goes as planned…I will not pee on anyone but will have some decent content to post …twice a week.

To Pee...Or Not To Pee

Keeping up with the pace of life has proven to be quite the task for me these days. I know that in general, my life is a quite simple one…but that does not mean that the round object attached to my neck sees it that way.

My waking hours, each day, tend to be divided into 4 distinct mindsets…my only, involuntary, choices are the following:
tired and very unmotivated…(basically drained of life.)
short tempered and grumpy
playful and happy…actually more like childish
unfocussed and blurred…mind spinning, thoughts blurred and finding it hard to concentrate

When I sit, to ponder life…(who the heck am I?…Confucius?) I can’t help but to feel kind of stuck. Not in a way like I am going to give up or something…more like …when you really need to pee but you are in public and there are no bathrooms around and no bushes…or wind to pee into.

Now, by now, many of you know a bit about my past and know the basics of my current life. I will now take you for a dip in the swirling bubbles in my head…or as I like to call it…”my Jacuzzi.” Please be sure to pay attention and please…try to keep up.

I have a schedule and many things that need to get done each day. I get through those just fine…it is the ‘down time’ when my thoughts make even me think that I should be wearing a helmet and riding on the short bus.

An example of the string of unconnected and random thoughts that stream though the vastness of my cranium during these moments include;
-I will randomly bust out the first verse or two of Mary Had A Little Lamb (or some other nonsensical kid tune)
-Often times I can be heard barking like a large dog (while driving or walking down the street) mostly to watch the people around me looking for the beast about to attack them and finding nothing.
-I, out of nowhere, will recite a random grouping of numbers i.e. “3, 47, 25, 93, 62, 1, 7” and then act as if I had said nothing (while people give me odd looks.)
-I have moments when I will have vivid thoughts of planets, flying, war, chewing gum, pens, pizza and ants…all one directly after the other…and not knowing why I had any of these thoughts…and why my head would group such a random selection of seemingly unimportant things.
-I am known for my ‘What ifs”…what if a bird actually lived on my head? What if I could balance on my nose…without breaking it? What if I was a bee and I was scared of myself? What if clothing was never invented and everyone just walked around naked? Etc.

You may be whispering to yourself, “This guy is off his fucking rocker.” Or wondering why I am not locked up securely somewhere…or how I can make it through a day.

I think the same thing sometimes…believe me. I guess that I have just become used to the nonsense that trickles through my noggin from time to time. It used to scare me, but now…shit…it still scares me.

I know that I am not insane and often convince myself that everyone does that stuff…they just don’t admit it…or have some handy medication which makes them think that they did not have the thoughts.

Now I know that I’ve got some …’issues’ but I love my life (for the most part). I love my kids, I love my family, I love Insane Mama and her gaggle of beautiful offspring. I love the fact that I feel no fear in expressing myself. I love the fact that people love me.

So…to sum up…a Jacuzzi can be a confusing mess of jumbled thoughts…or it can be a fine place to take your clothes off, relax and enjoy life. It’s a nice mix.