Insanely Peeing In The Wind - Part 3

Now, remember, at this point I was…well shit, still am... married. I did not really want to do anything out of spite, revenge or anything to worsen an already bad situation. BUT… there was no getting around this one. I knew that the feelings that I had, the lust in our eyes and our rendezvous were in several ways, the wrong thing to do…but on the other hand, hiding and subduing my feelings was something that I was at the hospital trying to overcome..

I tried several time…not to like her, but every time I saw her, spoke with her, touched her, and even looked at her…I completely melted inside. I could see in her eyes, her intense honesty, genuine care for me but I also saw that she felt bad, in a way, about what was happening. I knew that she did not want to be any part of my marriage not working out, she told me so. I am sure that this was very hard for her as I knew how she felt, yet she told me several times that we should stop and step away from one another. I knew that I had to be sure about the future of my marriage… as I also did not want a salvageable marriage to be destroyed by …. An intense, lustful relationship centered within the walls of a “loony bin.”

Insane Mama and I spent the next 4 or five days almost solely talking about our marriages, past relationships, what we want in a partner and what we felt that we was missing in our lives. I NEVER thought that I could/would have these conversations with any woman (besides a professional.) I think that goes back to my past, “sub-adult,” relationships with girls where I was the cool guy and they were the pretty girl (that’s all it was.) Also, my wife was not one to listen to feelings or one that would accept that there are importannt things in life that men need …that some women don’t understand. Over the years, I learned to just keep it all inside.

Crap…where am I going with this? Oh yeah…I finally had someone that actually listened, understood, cared, did not judge and could relate to so much of my life. I honestly thought, at points, that she was an angel (well maybe not an angel, but rather a…force(?), an incarnation of GOOD.) No matter what we said to one another or what we did together, the common feeling was honest and genuine caring. I had been able to talk with guy friends in the past and talk with my mother (a psychotherapist) and siblings to an extent, but nothing like this. I could not shock her with my insane past. I could not make her run with my… “issues.” And thankfully, I could not scare her off with bold lustfulness towards her.

As we sat in trauma group sessions, talking about horrific times in our lives, I saddened, to my innermost core (tears flooding the inside of my body) listening to her talk of the ways in which she had been cheated out of aspects of happiness in her life that I knew she deserved. In some of the other group sessions, there was some note passing, winks, smile and attempts at fantasy mind reading. Meals, we always sat together…and if one of us was not there…the other would prepare a plate for them to put aside. Breaks and free time …we were inseparable…except when I had phone calls from my wife. She would give me my space to handle family issues. But as soon as I hung up, she was there to see if there was anything she could do for me…or just to offer an ear. (I know that she heard me yelling, screaming and crying on the phone.)

I think that what “sealed the deal” between her and I was my mastery of a few certain things, that she witnessed (and I am sure could not get out of her mind:) playing cards (poker and spades,) farting and burping on command (with complete tone control,) and especially my unmatched skills on the wiffel ball diamond.

As each of us was to be there for 30 days, and I got there a week before her, I knew that I would be leaving before she did. This thought terrified me. I did not want to leave her. I didn’t know if we would ever see each other again after this place. I was sick to my stomach with these thoughts…I actually tried to convince the doctors that I was not ready to leave…so that I could stay with her. My last week there was filled with nightmares. I did not know that to do. I also remember telling her to just come with me…for her to check herself out with me and that we would just run off together.

As we approached my last days, our time was filled with tears, hugs, prayers and letters to one another, so that we could always have each others thoughts and feelings close. The day I left…

To be continued…