Insanely Peeing In The Wind - Part 4

The day I left was complete and utter misery. We were both crying. I continued my lame attempts at negotiation with the doctors to keep me just one more week. They told me that there was no way that I could stay because of insurance issues.

Now, all in all, I felt mentally pretty good. I had my head on straight, was making progress on dealing with many of the things that had landed me there and I had identified the things in my life that needed to change. On the other hand, the one person that I felt closest to and who had been one of the biggest reasons for me getting to that mental state would soon be far too distant for me to swallow.

That morning I had breakfast with her and we exchanged numbers and emails…along with our fears and thoughts. It was one of the hardest mornings I’d had. After breakfast, I had to go to a session with my therapist who wanted to go over all of the discharge things and what my plans were when I went home. My mind was preoccupied with other things at that point and all I could muster to say was, “I don’t want to go home with her.” That was it. The therapist continued to talk as my soul floated away. After my session, I went looking for Insane Mama. I could not find her anywhere. I started to freak out. There were so many more things that I wanted to talk with her about. We needed to make plans for “us” on the outside and spend as much time together as possible before I had to go. I’m sure that I seemed like I was jonesing for drugs, just plain looney or like a psychopathic stalker…the way I was running around, basically yelling at people to tell me where she was. I was a complete lunatic.

I had about given up and was sitting on a bench with my head in my hands. Then I saw her walking down the path towards me. I felt like a child that has just been give a free trip to the moon. My face ignited and I leaped up from the bench and ran to her (kind of like one of those stupid beach commercials about Viagra or something). Our embrace was overwhelming. It was like we just melted into one another. We spent the next 30 minutes together, during which time she told me that she was hiding out because she knew how hard this goodbye would be. We held each other, cried and made out plans for down the road.

It was then that we heard over the loud speaker that I was to report to my room to collect my things and then report to admitting. We stood up, still holding hands, then we hugged and kissed for what we feared would be the last time. I felt every inch of her seeping into me. I knew that If I could keep this feeling and vision inside me…I could make it through anything until we were together again.

Our hands slipped apart as I started down the path to my room. I did the best I could to hide the tears and feelings of dread while on the drive home with my wife. The hard part was enduring the hour ride home hearing her complain about the cost and how much of a waste of time and money it was.