Friday, July 11, 2008

Insanely Peeing In The Wind - Part 4

The day I left was complete and utter misery. We were both crying. I continued my lame attempts at negotiation with the doctors to keep me just one more week. They told me that there was no way that I could stay because of insurance issues.

Now, all in all, I felt mentally pretty good. I had my head on straight, was making progress on dealing with many of the things that had landed me there and I had identified the things in my life that needed to change. On the other hand, the one person that I felt closest to and who had been one of the biggest reasons for me getting to that mental state would soon be far too distant for me to swallow.

That morning I had breakfast with her and we exchanged numbers and emails…along with our fears and thoughts. It was one of the hardest mornings I’d had. After breakfast, I had to go to a session with my therapist who wanted to go over all of the discharge things and what my plans were when I went home. My mind was preoccupied with other things at that point and all I could muster to say was, “I don’t want to go home with her.” That was it. The therapist continued to talk as my soul floated away. After my session, I went looking for Insane Mama. I could not find her anywhere. I started to freak out. There were so many more things that I wanted to talk with her about. We needed to make plans for “us” on the outside and spend as much time together as possible before I had to go. I’m sure that I seemed like I was jonesing for drugs, just plain looney or like a psychopathic stalker…the way I was running around, basically yelling at people to tell me where she was. I was a complete lunatic.

I had about given up and was sitting on a bench with my head in my hands. Then I saw her walking down the path towards me. I felt like a child that has just been give a free trip to the moon. My face ignited and I leaped up from the bench and ran to her (kind of like one of those stupid beach commercials about Viagra or something). Our embrace was overwhelming. It was like we just melted into one another. We spent the next 30 minutes together, during which time she told me that she was hiding out because she knew how hard this goodbye would be. We held each other, cried and made out plans for down the road.

It was then that we heard over the loud speaker that I was to report to my room to collect my things and then report to admitting. We stood up, still holding hands, then we hugged and kissed for what we feared would be the last time. I felt every inch of her seeping into me. I knew that If I could keep this feeling and vision inside me…I could make it through anything until we were together again.

Our hands slipped apart as I started down the path to my room. I did the best I could to hide the tears and feelings of dread while on the drive home with my wife. The hard part was enduring the hour ride home hearing her complain about the cost and how much of a waste of time and money it was.

12 Comments:

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Rhea said...

What a way to end your time at the hospital...having someone complain about the money and waste of it all, which that was clearly so the opposite!!

Not a very supportive sounding wife. Why haven't you gotten a divorce yet?!! Sorry, that was a very personal question, but I guess I felt like I could ask after reading such a personal story. :o)

Candid Carrie said...

I am not used to being rendered speechless. I hate that you have the power over me.

Will InMa let you have a Plan B, like if anything happens to her and you are still intact and functioning as a real man. I have one Plan B involving Jack Black, oh and I have another Plan B with my guy friend Tom, but I am still looking for a Plan B+ ... interested?

Jasper Mocks said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jasper Mocks said...

With so many bloggers (myself included) using humor to draw in their readers, its nice to see someone keeping it real. Your honesty is sometimes overwhelming. Wow!

Stephanie said...

What a story...

Anonymous said...

Keeping it real would mean not deleting honest comments.

Insane Mama said...

Comment Trolls can go away now before I call the authorities! Thank you very much!
Now, back to my comment: It was the hardest goodbye in the history of goodbyes... We really didn't have any plans to see each other again, and we doubted we would even talk again. Your words are beautiful as always

TentCamper said...

Just so that everyone knows: The first comment deleted and - Anonymous said...
Keeping it real would mean not deleting honest comments.
- are comments from my ex. as you can see....she still loves me!!! :)

mominla said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Insane Mama said...

Sure is alot of deleting by author going on in here

christie said...

sigh. That's all I can do. Seriously, this is a tough time you went through. You're so very brave to share it.

 

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