Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Am I Really A Nasty Bastard?

… Or Is It Just A Man’s Way Of Trying To Do The Right Thing

So let me set this up for you.

A few weeks ago my “woman” (we will call her M Cool for now) got up in the morning and was acting all pissy. I asked what was wrong. She looked at me and gruffly said, ”nothing.” I backed off a bit to see if she just needed some space.

About an hour later, after no change, I, tenderly, approached her again to ask what was wrong. Her head whipped around (kind of Exorcist-esc) and with glaring eyes she informed me that she was a shitty mother and a lazy piece of poo (but she used the S word.) I jumped back, not knowing what to expect, and asked why she felt like that. She told me that she hates waking up late and not being able to see the kids off to school. It makes her feel like a pile of steamy dog poo.

From that point on I have been making a point to set our alarm so that we have time to get up and spend some time with the kids before they leave.
OK…I am almost there.
Anyway, M Cool is ….how should I put it?....NOT A MORNING PERSON!
Now, as the alarm is on my side, it is my job to turn it off and make sure that Mrs. Cool gets up. This is one tough job. After weeks of trial and error, this morning I turned over onto my side, scooched myself into her until she reached around me so that we are in a loving spooning position. Then I proceed to work some of my “inner magic” and push out a nice, loud, morning toot. Eyes still closed, I felt the stabbing sensation of an elbow connecting with my ribs followed by what sounded like snapping bone, while instantaneously leaping from the bed repeating, “You NASTY, DISGUSTING BASTARD. You are so nasty and gross.” I stayed in bed…trying to take back my gases by saying that I was kidding and was just trying to get her out of bed like she wanted.
After coming out of the bathroom, she threw me a glare calling me nasty again and then abruptly left the room.

After pondering my decision and weighing the pain and insults, I have decided that I will go back to the drawing board.

31 Comments:

insane mama said...

yea, he does do that! Cause I am Mrs.C and M cool and Insane Mama
I'll explain tomorrow and I hope I broke your ribs.. Dear....

Natalie said...

Whoa... you guys are together and posting on each others blog? Weird and kinda sexy

Jared said...

You are a sick bastard, but hey, she wanted to wake up early. Alarm or fart...

Whatever said...

This could get good, the two of you posting all over the place and dissing each other up. I'm excited

buffalodickdy said...

My wife is not a morning person, but better than she used to be. She taught me her being vertical did not consitute being "awake"...Talking to her about anything you don't want a lucid answer to must happen before she drinks coffee... I explained to her the sun came up every morning without my permission, please don't blame me daily for this...etc.

K8E said...

LOL. My hubby toots in bed...I react similarly. Maybe you could just turn off the alarm, get out of bed, and get her a cup of coffee. That would be nicer. :)

TentCamper said...

Trust me. I have tried everything. I have tried, the cup of coffee, turning on the news an talking to her, rubbing her back and even sending our 9 year old up into the bed. The farts are the only things so far that will actually get her to "remove" herself from the bed.

TentCamper said...

oh.. and I can....and will DIS HER UP!!!!! :)

Molly said...

Nice one! I remember when I was married a long time ago that we used to do that to each other and it was always a competition to see who could do it first! M Cool, you just have to get him back for that!

Blarney said...

I'd totally fart back then got back to sleep.
So does this mean I have to be nicer to men on my blog now? Nah ... Thanks for stopping by!

SherE1 said...

That is prety gnarly. My hubby toots in bed but not actually ON me. (LOL!) It cracks me up when he does. I'm easily amused!

Karen said...

At least you didn't fart then throw the covers over her head!!!

Lisa said...

OMG! I have now read every post and have laughed at EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. I am definitely adding you to my "Daily Rounds". And I love the title of your blog.

Kat said...

I told Rhea about your shock and awe on the comments.

Kat said...

She is feeling compelled to challenge you.

Kat said...

Of course, instead of commenting on your blog...I should be over on hers.

Kat said...

Regaining the title that you took from me.

Kat said...

The one that I should rightly have.

Kat said...

Just like IM should have the title on this one.

Kat said...

But I hear that Rhea did a comment dump here.

Kat said...

Right after you bombed her site.

Kat said...

Cause we are juvenile like that.

Kat said...

I figure I can at least aim for the #2 spot.

Kat said...

I can do that here. And then head over to Rhea's.

Kat said...

Where I can take you down for that top spot.

Kat said...

Or am I in for another shock and awe from you later today as you officially challenge Rhea for the top spot?

Kat said...

Are you doing this to every blog that has the top commenter widget?

Kat said...

Or did I just get lucky in capturing your attention?

Kat said...

Or perhaps this is how you are now going to spend your time.

Kat said...

Since you are not reading Black Hockey Jesus anymore.

Kat said...

But I am not sure that I can even compare.

 

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