Am I Really A Nasty Bastard?

… Or Is It Just A Man’s Way Of Trying To Do The Right Thing

So let me set this up for you.

A few weeks ago my “woman” (we will call her M Cool for now) got up in the morning and was acting all pissy. I asked what was wrong. She looked at me and gruffly said, ”nothing.” I backed off a bit to see if she just needed some space.

About an hour later, after no change, I, tenderly, approached her again to ask what was wrong. Her head whipped around (kind of Exorcist-esc) and with glaring eyes she informed me that she was a shitty mother and a lazy piece of poo (but she used the S word.) I jumped back, not knowing what to expect, and asked why she felt like that. She told me that she hates waking up late and not being able to see the kids off to school. It makes her feel like a pile of steamy dog poo.

From that point on I have been making a point to set our alarm so that we have time to get up and spend some time with the kids before they leave.
OK…I am almost there.
Anyway, M Cool is ….how should I put it?....NOT A MORNING PERSON!
Now, as the alarm is on my side, it is my job to turn it off and make sure that Mrs. Cool gets up. This is one tough job. After weeks of trial and error, this morning I turned over onto my side, scooched myself into her until she reached around me so that we are in a loving spooning position. Then I proceed to work some of my “inner magic” and push out a nice, loud, morning toot. Eyes still closed, I felt the stabbing sensation of an elbow connecting with my ribs followed by what sounded like snapping bone, while instantaneously leaping from the bed repeating, “You NASTY, DISGUSTING BASTARD. You are so nasty and gross.” I stayed in bed…trying to take back my gases by saying that I was kidding and was just trying to get her out of bed like she wanted.
After coming out of the bathroom, she threw me a glare calling me nasty again and then abruptly left the room.

After pondering my decision and weighing the pain and insults, I have decided that I will go back to the drawing board.