Sunday, July 20, 2008

Birth Mom Dumped Me For the Second F'ing Time!

Ok everyone. It has now been 33 days since I met my birth mother. As I stated in my last posts on this subject…The meeting seemed to go very well and we parted with me feeling great and that we’d stay in touch. (get up to date)

http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/06/vomit-call.html
http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/06/vomit-call-continued.html
http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/06/nothing-like-little-monday-morning.html
http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/06/meeting-my-birth-mother-for-first-time.html http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/06/meeting-my-birth-mother-part-2-0f-2.html
http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/06/no-matter-how-brief.html
http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/07/abandoned-for-second-time.html

YEAH……RIGHT!!!! I AM REALLY FUCKING PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW!

I have not heard a word since her one line email, sent on the day we met, stating that she was happy that I came and she would write more later. I did not think that she was saying later as in a few months from then. I have sent her two emails since our meeting and have heard NOTHING in return.

I am soooooo pissed off. I mean…she emailed me before her trip to CA, asking if Id make the drive to go meet her. She was very excited and called me to confirm, etc. Now….nothing! I guess I just don’t get it. I think I need to get / have some sort of closure on this issue as I’ve been driving myself crazy with the shit-ass thinking that now I’ve been dumped by this lady….TWICE!!!!

I feel like a freakin pinball…thoughts bouncing all over the place. Did she close “that chapter” in her life? She checked it off her list and is now moving on? If so…fine…just tell me so. I could then at least know what the heck is going on. Is she sick…unable to call or email? Should I be worried? Should I call her? Did I do something at the visit that made her not like me?

I think that I’ve been through enough in life to be able to handle whatever it is, but…I just need to be told. If you don’t like me…tell me. If you do…tell me. If you just want to exchange emails once a year…tell me. If you want me in ...or out of your life…tell me. I could, at this point, give a shit. I have gone 40 years not knowing her and going back and forth about wanting to meet her. I can go the next 40 without her in my life. I’ve met her, know the story, etc…so…just give me SOMETHING!!!!!

I guess that the part that really gets to me is the fact that at the meeting (which Insane Mama was at too) everything seemed fine and it seemed like she wanted us to get together again. She talked about me and my half brother getting together (he only lives 2 hours away.)

The thing that I am scared of is closing the door, getting my closure and then having her call or email. I can’t go back and forth. At the same time…I can’t leave things as is and go on continuing to not know where she stands.

Maybe I’ll just send her a link to this blog so that she knows the hell that I am feeling. I don’t know.

22 Comments:

Mom Taxi Julie said...

Maybe she is feeling confused?

Rhea said...

I'm so sorry. Who knows what's going on with her?! It's hard to know.

I say go with your gut here. Are you always going to regret something later if you don't do it? LIke sending her the link to your blog...Will you regret NOT doing that? Or will you regret doing it? Do what feels right, so that you can live with yourself feeling like you tried and did the best you could. That's important.

She missing out. I barely know you, but you seem so real and fun and interesting, and she is worse for not knowing the real you.

Insane Mama said...

Babe, since I was there, I can say that nothing went wrong. You didn't do anything wrong. Perhaps an email to her asking her if this is closure for her, does she need more time? Because then you will know how she feels and what she wants. Don't hint or beat around the bush. Ask straight, honest clear questions. You don't need to go back and forth forever, it's not fair to you.

Karen said...

I'm sorry that things are not working out the way you wanted.

There may be a reasonable explanation for her silence .. illness, whatever.

She may also be needing some time to figure out how she feels. A situation like this can be very overwhelming for some people.

As Rhea says, maybe you need to go with your gut feeling.

Maybe at the moment it might be a good thing to just place it on the back burner for awhile and concentrate on all that;s good in your life...IM, your kids and the family you're making with her...

Stephanie said...

I think you should tell her exactly how you feel. I cannot begin to imagine her position/feelings or yours, but I can see that there doesn't need to be any new pain added into this mix. It is emotional enough, and so I think you need to let her know where you stand. I'm so sorry this isn't happening as you'd like it to, or as you thought it would. I wish you the best; I hope you end up receiving the outcome you'd like.
Best,
Stephaie

Stephanie said...

It seems I have forgotten how to spell my own name. Let me give it one more go.

AAAAhem!

Best,
StephaNie

Lula! said...

I'd totally steer her towards your blog...then she can read what you're feeling. 'Cause she needs to know. But that's just my two cents.

Keep us posted. And I agree with Rhea here...go with your gut. Seriously.

The Mom said...

I wish I knew what to say.

Write to her one last time. "Do you need more time?" "Does this really work for you?" "I need to know." "I hurt too."

Thinking about you!

preTzel said...

Do not give her the link to your blog. While you want her to know how you're feeling with regards to her and what is going on do you want her to read everything?

Honestly? I think you need to be direct and honest with her and tell her exactly how you are feeling.

This part is really good:

I feel like a freakin pinball…thoughts bouncing all over the place. Did she close “that chapter” in her life? She checked it off her list and is now moving on? If so…fine…just tell me so. I could then at least know what the heck is going on. Is she sick…unable to call or email? Should I be worried? Should I call her? Did I do something at the visit that made her not like me?

I think that I’ve been through enough in life to be able to handle whatever it is, but…I just need to be told. If you don’t like me…tell me. If you do…tell me. If you just want to exchange emails once a year…tell me. If you want me in ...or out of your life…tell me.

The thing that I am scared of is closing the door, getting my closure and then having her call or email. I can’t go back and forth. At the same time…I can’t leave things as is and go on continuing to not know where she stands.


I think it's important that you either do this in a snail mail letter that is certified or call her. Electronic mail is great but if she couldn't afford her bill or was disconnected for some reason then that could explain what is going on.

Either way I think *you* need to take the step and contact her and ask her, point blank, if she wants to continue having a relationship or if she would feel more comfortable if you backed off and let her take the reins for awhile.

I'm sorry you're going through this and sorry it's been so tough on you. You do *not* deserve to be held in limbo anymore. Contact her and deal with her answers so that you are able to move on with your life whatever her decision may be.

buffalodickdy said...

Did she seem kind of flakey when you met her? Some people just don't like alot of contact. Were your expectations about going forward discussed? I'm just asking. I depend alot on face to face meetings to get a feel for the person. 80% of what a person is telling you isn't with words...

Candid Carrie said...

Can't imagine any of these feelings. You've been through more in three months than most people go through in a lifetime.

Molly said...

That's horrible for you, but she may have a legitimate reason so please don't jump the gun and close the door on her now. She may be overcome with guilt, she may have been given a hard time by other family members or she may not have told them yet because she doesn't know how to. I know this is hard on you but it is probably just as hard on her too. Think things through before you contact her again. Is there any way you can drive over and meet her in person again? Sometimes face to face talks are better than the phone or email.

that girl said...

I know it's not because she didn't like you..insane mama's right about the back and forth though. I think I would write her a letter. Lay out what you need and expect and if she chooses to say no, then it's done.

TentCamper said...

Mom taxi - If she i...a brief email from her saying that would be fi with me.

rhea - It would be hard to go with my gut, due to the fact that it is pure vomit right now. Thanks for your kind words.

IM - Maybe I will send a letter or email....I love you.

Karen - I have thought about back burnering it...but it still floods into my mind.

Stephanie - I think you are right about ...being direct with her.

Lula - I have told her (via email) pretty much EVERYTHING about my life so I don't fear showing her my blog, but I'd worry about the (sometimes insensative) way that I phrase things.

The Mom & Pretzel- I am leaning more and more towards another letter.

Bufalodickdy - She did not seem flaky. Bot insane mama both read her the same way. We did talk about staying in touch and future get togethers...and meeting my half brother.

Carrie - Thank you and I know!

Molly - She did tell everyone in her family and said that they all supported the meeting and would love to meet me. She lives 2000 miles away from me.

That girl - Thank you so much for the comments ... a letter it is ....I guess.

Karen said...

Don't let it consume you though.

And I really do know that it is easier said than done.

I let what my Mum did to me, get in the way of so many things and it took me a long time to realise that.

Writing a letter is a good idea. I'd also send it 'return receipt requested' ... that way you will at least know that it was delivered.

Deb said...

oh chris, i hate that this is not turning out as you had hoped. do try one more letter, but DO NOT think you did anything wrong. if she does not respond, then just let it go with the knowledge that you did everything you could and that will have to be YOUR closure.

good luck

pita-woman said...

I agree w/preTzel. She may have a valid excuse for not replying to your email, such as her computer crashing... we've all been there & lived with that haven't we? Or, if she's got a free account, such as Yahoo, maybe your email to her has gone into her Spam folder & she hasn't seen it... God knows enough of my intended emails end up there & I have to go hunt for them daily.
Give her the benefit of the doubt & make a phone call or send the certified letter.

ugagirl30 said...

I really feel for you. My son is only 8 and he is going through the struggle with his real dad. One day he wants to be a dad, that lasts for a few months, and then he disappears again. I certainly would send her this blog. She needs to know what she is doing to you. Then you'll know what kind of woman she is.

Robin said...

Wow tent...I didn't catch up on the birth mom email...but I will. I'm adopted as well (and 40) and have thought often of locating my birth mother....something always holds me back...because you never know what you're gonna get AND, you wonder, when they think of you and dream of you...in their mind, when you track them down...you're at least a brain surgeon or something, their "sacrifice" meant something! So you're probably as afraid they'll be disappointed in you as you are of them! It's scary and weird and I admire you for jumping off and doing it.

I have the mindset, "I'm not looking for anything I don't already have...I just want to know...." and I won't be heartbroken if she's a broken down crack whore in Vegas or an upper level exec in NY who just didn't want a kid....but you never know!

Let's face it Tent, we were born in 1968...I, in TExas, an unwed preggo MOm in 1968 in TX was still taboo (and I do know she was the third daughter of a baptist minister..hello, hell?) and I feel she did it out of love, for me. I have that thought and it feels right...what if I tracked her down and was wrong?

Could go either way and though I'm a gambler, not ready. But I may wait until it's too late? Would you do it over again now?

TentCamper said...

Thanks for that Robin. Yes. I would do it again...but would have left the meeting with an uderstanding of what would follow.
I fund hr ..just to know. I was not looking for anything...just to turn off the I don't know in my head. I now know why she did it and what she's been feeling for the last 40 years. But her leaving me hanging again...just sucks!

Deb said...

hey chris there is a little suttin suttin waiting for you over at my blog.

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

As someone who has tried to connect to a parent let me tell you that I have been there, where you are, too many times. Don't get mad...you don't know what's going on with her...if you get mad, you may lash out, and say/do something you don't mean, which will put the relationship back instead of forward.
She said she wanted to see you again, talk to you more, and that's what you need to believe. Just because you need more up to date information, doesn't mean that she does, or that she knows that...Ok, this could get really long...but the bottom line is NOT to draw conclusions...you have emailed...give some space and time...there could be a very good reason she hasn't contacted back...

 

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