Birth Mom Dumped Me For the Second F'ing Time!

Ok everyone. It has now been 33 days since I met my birth mother. As I stated in my last posts on this subject…The meeting seemed to go very well and we parted with me feeling great and that we’d stay in touch. (get up to date)

http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/06/vomit-call.html
http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/06/vomit-call-continued.html
http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/06/nothing-like-little-monday-morning.html
http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/06/meeting-my-birth-mother-for-first-time.html http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/06/meeting-my-birth-mother-part-2-0f-2.html
http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/06/no-matter-how-brief.html
http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/07/abandoned-for-second-time.html

YEAH……RIGHT!!!! I AM REALLY FUCKING PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW!

I have not heard a word since her one line email, sent on the day we met, stating that she was happy that I came and she would write more later. I did not think that she was saying later as in a few months from then. I have sent her two emails since our meeting and have heard NOTHING in return.

I am soooooo pissed off. I mean…she emailed me before her trip to CA, asking if Id make the drive to go meet her. She was very excited and called me to confirm, etc. Now….nothing! I guess I just don’t get it. I think I need to get / have some sort of closure on this issue as I’ve been driving myself crazy with the shit-ass thinking that now I’ve been dumped by this lady….TWICE!!!!

I feel like a freakin pinball…thoughts bouncing all over the place. Did she close “that chapter” in her life? She checked it off her list and is now moving on? If so…fine…just tell me so. I could then at least know what the heck is going on. Is she sick…unable to call or email? Should I be worried? Should I call her? Did I do something at the visit that made her not like me?

I think that I’ve been through enough in life to be able to handle whatever it is, but…I just need to be told. If you don’t like me…tell me. If you do…tell me. If you just want to exchange emails once a year…tell me. If you want me in ...or out of your life…tell me. I could, at this point, give a shit. I have gone 40 years not knowing her and going back and forth about wanting to meet her. I can go the next 40 without her in my life. I’ve met her, know the story, etc…so…just give me SOMETHING!!!!!

I guess that the part that really gets to me is the fact that at the meeting (which Insane Mama was at too) everything seemed fine and it seemed like she wanted us to get together again. She talked about me and my half brother getting together (he only lives 2 hours away.)

The thing that I am scared of is closing the door, getting my closure and then having her call or email. I can’t go back and forth. At the same time…I can’t leave things as is and go on continuing to not know where she stands.

Maybe I’ll just send her a link to this blog so that she knows the hell that I am feeling. I don’t know.

Insanely Peeing In The Wind - Part 4

The day I left was complete and utter misery. We were both crying. I continued my lame attempts at negotiation with the doctors to keep me just one more week. They told me that there was no way that I could stay because of insurance issues.

Now, all in all, I felt mentally pretty good. I had my head on straight, was making progress on dealing with many of the things that had landed me there and I had identified the things in my life that needed to change. On the other hand, the one person that I felt closest to and who had been one of the biggest reasons for me getting to that mental state would soon be far too distant for me to swallow.

That morning I had breakfast with her and we exchanged numbers and emails…along with our fears and thoughts. It was one of the hardest mornings I’d had. After breakfast, I had to go to a session with my therapist who wanted to go over all of the discharge things and what my plans were when I went home. My mind was preoccupied with other things at that point and all I could muster to say was, “I don’t want to go home with her.” That was it. The therapist continued to talk as my soul floated away. After my session, I went looking for Insane Mama. I could not find her anywhere. I started to freak out. There were so many more things that I wanted to talk with her about. We needed to make plans for “us” on the outside and spend as much time together as possible before I had to go. I’m sure that I seemed like I was jonesing for drugs, just plain looney or like a psychopathic stalker…the way I was running around, basically yelling at people to tell me where she was. I was a complete lunatic.

I had about given up and was sitting on a bench with my head in my hands. Then I saw her walking down the path towards me. I felt like a child that has just been give a free trip to the moon. My face ignited and I leaped up from the bench and ran to her (kind of like one of those stupid beach commercials about Viagra or something). Our embrace was overwhelming. It was like we just melted into one another. We spent the next 30 minutes together, during which time she told me that she was hiding out because she knew how hard this goodbye would be. We held each other, cried and made out plans for down the road.

It was then that we heard over the loud speaker that I was to report to my room to collect my things and then report to admitting. We stood up, still holding hands, then we hugged and kissed for what we feared would be the last time. I felt every inch of her seeping into me. I knew that If I could keep this feeling and vision inside me…I could make it through anything until we were together again.

Our hands slipped apart as I started down the path to my room. I did the best I could to hide the tears and feelings of dread while on the drive home with my wife. The hard part was enduring the hour ride home hearing her complain about the cost and how much of a waste of time and money it was.

Double Update

This, my dear friends, is, I’m sure going to shock you. I am going to write TWO, SHORT, updates in one post. Now mind you, this is something that I’ve never tried before…and I urge you not to try this at home…unless I am successful – then everyone should do it.

Crap, off–base again. Sorry.

Ok, the first topic of my double-header is my birthmother. Now most of you know the situation, but if not please catch up on all seven posts.
1. http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/06/vomit-call.html
2. http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/06/vomit-call-continued.html
3. http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/06/nothing-like-little-monday-morning.html
4. http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/06/meeting-my-birth-mother-for-first-time.html
5. http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/06/meeting-my-birth-mother-part-2-0f-2.html
6. http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/06/no-matter-how-brief.html
7. http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/07/abandoned-for-second-time.html

Now, I took all of your advice and sent her another email on Tuesday the 8th ….and have yet to receive any reply. I have talked with Insane Mama about it and at first she reiterated some of the things that you guys said; maybe she is digesting, maybe she needs some time, maybe she is dealing with other important things, etc. I understand that…BUT…If you reunite with your birth child and then you get (not one but) two emails from him…wouldn’t you at least reply with something like, “I need a bit of time …I will contact you when I can.” Or something like that. The NO RESPONSE is what is killing me…not the does she want to stay in contact stuff. I can deal with rejection…it is the being ignored part that hurts.


The second subject of this post is my step father. I wanted (and wanted to give you) an update on my stepfather’s progress after his operations (see below prior posts if you came to this party late)
1. http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/06/dad-number-3-not-natural-or.html
2. http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/07/dad-number-3-update.html

Now I have called two days in a row to get an update and have not gotten any response. What the fuck? Now both mothers are dissing me?

I will give you an update as soon as I get one.

Abandoned For The Second Time

I do not really know what to say right now…except that I am thoroughly confused. Back on June 16th, I made a trip to meet my birthmother. The meeting went very well…I thought, and we parted with tears, smiles and plans on keeping in touch.

As soon as I got home I immediately sat down and sent her an email – Thanking her for the opportunity to meet her. I also mentioned that I did want to keep in touch and that I hoped to see her again and to meet my ….? (natural half brother.)

I did receive one brief email from her saying that she did not have much time to write, but that she wanted to thank me for the visit and that she would write more soon.

Now it has been almost a month and I have not heard anything else from her. What the fuck? I don’t even know what to think. Was she revolted by me and just pretended during the visit? Did she check off, on her list, that she had met me…and now she can move on to other things? Has something happed to her?

I am very confused and I am not sure if I should put the whole thing on the back burner for now…If she wants to back away…who am I to impose myself on her?

I am hurt, confused, curious and worried all at the same time. I hate feeling like this.
I am going to send one more brief email to her and then … I guess…make some attempt at closure.